This has NEVER happened before..

DancingGirl, you need to go at your own pace. It's ok that you haven't been able to tell your husband yet. Change is never easy and the unknown is always scary. You'll find your courage, you won't be in the closet forever. Don't put so much pressure on yourself

 

thanks. I just feel I have been hiding so long. You all have been so wonderful.

 

Hi ladies, this is my very first post although I've been hanging around reading threads since last Christmas! This thread has encouraged me to register and start posting at last as I could identify sooooo much with each of you. I'm married, with children and have a massive crush on an acquaintance, though since I've come out to myself I'm crushing on nearly every female that comes my way, it's ridiculous . Anyway just wanted to say how much all of you that have contributed to this thread have helped me in understanding my feelings and especially that I'm not alone in feeling like this. I was not in a good place yesterday and when I read this I felt so much better, so thanks to you all

 

Mocha, welcome to our group. I'm happy that we have been able to help. Completely understand the crushing on every female you see Once you come out to yourself you see the world in a very different way. Feel free to share any thoughts/feelings you are experiencing We're happy to have you here.

DancingGirl, don't think of it as hiding. The closet may be uncomfortable and painful, but it's also safe and that's why go there and why it's difficult to come out.

 

Welcome Mocha. So glad you have found the comfort you need in our little group here. Please feel free to share your feelings, fears and thoughts with us. I felt so much better since I come out to myself and have realized my crush was just a stepping stone.
HTBO, you always seem to know the words I need to hear. Thanks.

 

Thank you so much for the warm welcome, it's nice just to get some things out, as my head has been swimming these last few days. And yeah this crushing on every female is crazy lol! Everywhere I go I'm eyeing up the ladies, even just driving the car, just since I came out to myself. And it made me realise that I've never checked men out like that before, ever and still don't. Though I "test" myself all the time - like when out somewhere I'll look around at men and women to see who I like and it's never any men ever! But I'll instantly be crushing on all the females . I feel like a teenage boy and yet my husband thinks I have zero sex drive, which is not true at all, it's of course just where he's concerned unfortunately.

I won't see my crush over the summer, not till September and I thought my feelings would calm, but they haven't. She lives in the same village and I saw her unexpectedly last week walking her dog and I nearly had a panic attack . Nothing will come of it as she's straight, married etc and I can barely form the words to converse with her - when I see her she literally takes my breath away and I go tongue tied (very unusual!) . It's craziness, I've never ever lusted after someone at first sight, but it was instant with her and just won't let up! I'm dying to see her again but I'm also hoping I won't see her at all till September in the hope that the distance will calm my feelings. I'm doubtful it will though.

 

Hi Mocha,
Welcome to our group. If your head is swimming you definitely meet the criteria to join us. when I think back over the last few years I can admit that I would check females out without realising. I guess warning bells were ringing but I ignored them, until I met my crush. Then I didn't have a choice, what I felt couldn't be ignored. Hope you find the support you need here, I'm sure you will.

 

that all sounds so familiar. I used to 'test' myself all the time, and never noticed men. It gets worse, lol. Now not only do I notice women everywhere, I think they're all gay Ok, I know they're not, but in my head they are. Never had any feeling like this for my ex, and yes, he thought I had no sex drive either.
It does get easier if you don't see your crush for a bit, haven't seen mine since April and won't until September and I don't think of her as much. Of course, there's someone else so that probably has something to do with it :icon_bigg women!

 

I feel the same way! Since I came out to myself I realize not only do I look at women in a whole new way but I unashamedly flirt with them and I think I always have! I just never realized what I was doing until now. I actually hated when men looked at me. I always felt uncomfortable about it, and never enjoyed the attention….. I just never realized why.
I test myself all the time and the tests all have the same conclusion, What an enlightening and at the same time frightening experience it is, to suddenly realize what made you tick all these years!
I wish I had understood and not repressed my real desire decades ago….
I can remember many years ago, watching a lesbian couple as one comforted the other in a time of need. My husband was standing beside me and said to me at the time " I just don't get it. " I remember thinking " Really? because I SO get it! " Even then I didn't realize what a revelation that should have been to me. Now I look back and think how could I have been fooling myself all these years?
Sorry for the rant but there have been so many things that I reflect back on now and can't believe I didn't know until I fell in love with the most amazing woman in the world!
Life is good….sometimes it takes some very unexpected twists and turns and by doing this presents us with challenges that sometimes seem to be unconquerable. When I think this, all I have to do is think about her and I know somehow I will overcome all of the obstacles if it means I can be with her. It is the only time I am truly and completely happy!

 

Waterfall, it's best not to think 'what if'. I do the same thing and wish I had realized sooner, but we can't go back and change it, only move forward. And the future does look sweet I love flirting with women! I agree with the men looking at me, and it's even more frustrating now because I know i have no interest in men, yet I'm feminine looking so still get primarily male attention. I think the thing that surprised me the most was the emotions. I guess before when I'd thought about sexual orientation, I considered it was relational to who one was sexually attracted, I never considered the emotional aspect until it knocked me over. Wow! Who knew I could feel like that, it was overwhelming and definitely never occurred with men. I think I like it

 

HTBO -I am so with you when you say "who knew I could feel like that". I know this sounds like a stupid question but it reflects just how foreign these overwhelming emotions were to me before her……
Do heterosexual woman feel this way about men? Or is this strictly an aspect of lesbian feelings towards another woman?

 

That is a very good question. I would think they would feel it towards men and men towards women. It just comes a surprise to us because we never felt that way. I'm pretty sure my ex husband felt that way about me because when I came out to him he said that he hoped now I could find someone to love in a way that I would do anything for them and that movies and songs will make sense. I never understood all of that before and he was always insulted by it and couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. Apparently there wasn't anything wrong with him, it was me

 

That's something I've been thinking about too, as I've often wondered why I get butterflies and intense feelings around women I find attractive and have never had these for a man, not even my husband, not even in the beginning.

I'm out for a posh lunch and drinks on sat as it's my birthday the following week so I thought later on after a couple of drinks, I'm gonna ask my two besties if they feel like that about their (male) partners.

---------- Post added 6th Aug 2014 at 04:35 PM ----------

Yeah I think that is likely the case and that we just didn't / don't feel that way towards men

---------- Post added 6th Aug 2014 at 04:42 PM ----------

Oh crikey, it gets worse?! it's definitely been getting more intense and I do like the feelings, they just get a bit full on. Funnily enough I also think that all the women i notice could be gay . Only because I seem straight but am definitely not, so I think that perhaps they could also be like me.

 

I think it's a matter of learning how to manage these feelings. They are new and a little overwhelming, but at the same time very good. It seemed to get worse for me, but I used to dismiss any thoughts I used to have about women and I was so good at it that I didn't notice I did it until I caught myself. Then I realized how often I told myself not to think that way. Once I realized that then I began to notice every time I dismissed and then told myself I can think that way if I want. yes, apparently I have been arguing with myself That is when it became worse. Now that I no longer dismiss any thoughts and let them flow freely....life is good.

 

Ugh. I just spent 20 min writing a post and then lost it. How frustrating. I hate that I have to do all this on my phone. No computer.
Anyway. I feel there is a surge of teenage hormones that comes after the gay realization. I just want to make out with every girl I find cute. But then not really. I really want to meet someone special to share my life with. I only got married the first time to a man because that was what you did. I never really saw myself getting married. After meeting my crush I had those feelings. I wanted to spend my life with her. I saw it and felt it. That has since changed but I know I will meet a special lady someday.

 

DancingGirl, I completely agree with you. On the one hand I feel like a teenager, but all I really want is to find someone special. I married a man because it was expected and never experienced anything with him like I did my crush. Even though I've been married, I feel like I haven't because it wasn't right. He's the wrong sex and I settled because he loved me even though we had nothing in common. You will meet someone special, she's waiting for you. Maybe this is why it took us so long for to realize, we were waiting for our special ladies

 

And I agree with you both . Definitely like a teenager and wanting to make out with every female I see lol, but what I really want is that special someone that makes me feel like my crush does and that hopefully feels like that about me. I wouldn't change what's gone before but I did settle with my husband too young before I had really explored myself. He was my first real boyfriend - I'd had a few before him but they never lasted more than a week or so as it just didn't feel right. I never connected with any of them, like maybe 5 or 6 guys through my teens and I hated kissing them. I knew my husband through work and we had mutual friends but I never crushed on him or had the feelings that I had for women, but at the time I didn't recognise what my feelings for women were. Me and him hit it off one night, we got on really well and it went from there. We've been through a lot together and been married 11 yrs now, so I'm so reluctant to end things or even tell him how I feel now. And apart from anything, I don't want to tear my children's lives apart, they're all so young and at the moment I couldn't support us all, so I don't feel like I can do anything at the moment. And that's a problem as I really want to be with a woman . I don't want to cheat and never have but I know if the opportunity arose I possibly would and I don't want that. But then again, I've never even kissed another woman so how do I even know it's going to be everything I think it is. Much confusion this morning and don't know if that even makes any sense lol!

 

Mocha, it all makes perfect sense. I was in your same position until about 5 months ago. I thought many of the same things you did. I had no experience either and it seemed crazy to break up my family for what I thought was a 'feeling' I had towards women and I was determined it was worth it for me to be miserable so everyone else could be happy. It didn't work out that way thankfully. I eventually did tell him because it was more painful not to and I realized I don't need experience to know, I just know. It was a matter of accepting that rather than experimenting. Some things are not easy to accept especially when it will turn our whole world around, but the feelings were always there, I had repressed them. Everyone is much happier now and I don't regret coming out, I actually wish I had done it earlier. I was the same with cheating; I had never done it nor considered it until my crush came along and if the opportunity had presented itself I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

 

HTBO - thank you . I've felt the same, thinking I should keep the family together for my children and me just being miserable, at least until they're a bit older. My oldest is 9 and youngest 3, with two more in the middle, so it's a huge thing I feel for us to split, in terms of the responsibility of four children that will mainly fall to me. But it is getting to the point, as I think it anecdotally does for all of us, where it is becoming more painful not to do something about it.

I keep wondering though that when the time comes, whether I come out to him and others, or just wait until I have a reason to come out, ie when I meet someone. I just don't think that he and his family are going to believe I didn't know before we married and I don't think he will take it well at all. He doesn't have much capacity for empathy generally, so I think even if I was really upset that he would still be angry with me.

I think it's great, HTBO that you and your ex can be room mates for the meantime. That is something that would work for us while the kids are so young, but I have no idea how to approach that in practical terms.

 

I think if you wait until there is someone else to tell him, it will make it so much worse because then not only are you telling him you are gay but also that you cheated. It may not be physically, but at the least it would be emotionally. My ex was upset that I waited to tell him, he thinks I should have said something when I first began questioning. He doesn't understand how difficult this process was and that to tell him when I wasn't even sure myself would have been a bad idea. The fact that I'm gay he was completely supportive about and had suspicions. He did have moments when he said I wasted 10 years of his life and that I always knew on some level, but that was him being hurt and I understood that. Yes, I admitted that there were signs but I denied and made excuses for them and that I truly did not know I was gay, which is true, it was a very big surprise. I never expected he would take it as well as he did, he can be very narrow minded sometimes, but he said 'you are who you are'. It's also important to remember that his initial reaction may be anger, but he will need time to process this just as you needed time to process. Don't lose hope if it doesn't go well at first.
If you choose not to tell others until you meet someone then I don't think that would be a problem. You do have to remember, however, that once you tell your husband, he may tell others. I think up to this point my ex has told more people than I have, which is fine with me because it's not a secret anymore, but it's something to consider in making the decision when to tell him. Make sure you are emotionally and mentally prepared for any outcome and you will be ok. If you don't think you can deal with it yet, then wait until you can because once you come out you can't go back in and are forced to deal with whatever happens next. I don't want to scare you, it's more of a preparation statement I would never choose to go back in the closet, but I think some of my more difficult moments have been when I'm out. Once you do that, it's real and right now it may seem real but it's nothing compared to what it will be. I thought I was completely accepting of myself before and then I came out and I realized I wasn't. I am much more accepting now because I've worked towards that. There are still times I will be sitting in a lgbt venue or just be surrounded by lgbt people and think, wow, this really is who I am. I've used this analogy before, but it's like after someone dies. Once the funeral is over everyone else goes home and you are left to deal with everything else on your own. That is how it feels after you come out. I was very lost but I've begun to find my way and it has been a journey like no other and I wouldn't change any of it. I love the coming out process!! I'm volunteering at pride next week-end and excited but a little nervous. This will be the first time I'm not an observer, but a participant in our lgbt community.
As for the room mate thing, you never know, he may be receptive to it. It benefits everyone if it can be amicably arranged. It was actually my ex's suggestion