This has NEVER happened before..

Resurrecting this thread, though this is a question/viewpoint that is a bit different than this thread has been going--but thought you guys might be a good source for this.

I am 34, and have been questioning my sexuality on and off since I was 21 and freshly graduated from college. Throughout my HS and most of college, I just assumed I was straight. I had boy crushes, boyfriends etc, but never had sex. My boyfriend throughout HS I thought I was in love with, but sex never was on the table because his family was very Catholic and he didn't believe in sex before marriage. Personally it never crossed my mind to want to have sex with him, though I was devastated for a long time after we broke up right before college.

I briefly dated a guy my junior year of college, but he was super intense. He told me one night when we were on a date that he "wanted me" while he stared into my eyes. Internally I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and broke it off.

During my senior year, there was a freshman that just joined the rugby team, and one night we sat on the porch and talked for 3.5 hours. Felt like 5 minutes. From that point on, we were inseparable. We spent most of our time together, and after parties (we were the party house), she would spend the night in my bed--but it was us just passing out, nothing ever happened, nor did I ever think anything of it. We would walk home from the bars (drunk) holding hands, but still never thought anything of it.

She started acting different, more distant, and I had no idea what was going on. One night I was upstairs in my room (drunk..haha) and she came up and said she was ready to tell me what was going on. I said "Ok," and then she leaned in and kissed me. I was so surprised and just sort of sat there. After, she looked at me, waiting for my reaction, and I don't remember what I said, probably something like "I don't think of you like that." She ran downstairs, and I ran into my bed, and started hysterically crying.

For a month or so after that, it was awkward. I told her again, sober, that I just love to cuddle and never thought of her as more than a friend. She said that the connection we have seems more than that, but I just kept repeating what I said. Gradually, the awkwardness went away and we still remained very close, though she stopped sleeping in my bed after parties.

During all of this, I was breaking down during most parties, terrified of graduating college and leaving all of my friends. I was heading for a massive depressive break, I just didn't know it yet.

Fast forward to graduating school. I went home for the summer to find my mom hating me being home. She said some awful, awful things to me and told me I needed to move out. During that summer is also when I broke down. I cried every day, wished I was dead, didn't know what I wanted to do for a job, didn't know how to do a resume...terrible stuff. The only things that saved me was a friend from college who lived in the same city as me, calling me every single day to make sure I was ok, and my other friend who lived in a different city.

At some point during that summer, I realized that the only way I was making it through my days was knowing I was going home and getting on IM (i'm old!!) to talk to my friend (same one who kissed me). I somehow had the courage to call her and tell her I was confused and maybe did have more feelings for her than I realized, but also that I just couldn't handle it. It was all too much with my depression at that time.

The fall came, I had moved out, and my depression had lifted. She went back to school, and stopped talking to me. I was flabbergasted and so so devastated. I didn't understand what had happened. All she ever told me was that she realized our relationship was unhealthy. She said we could remain friends, but it never happened. When I went back to school to visit friends, she completely ignored me. It hurt. Bad. I mourned the loss of that relationship for years.

What this (REALLY) long story is getting to, is that she confused the shit out of me. I still don't know if I really did have feelings for her, or if I was just in so much pain and she was there for me so that is confusing. Why did she suddenly stop talking to me? My previous therapist said it was probably too painful for her to continue any relationship with me. I never really talked about it with her though, too scary.

You guys are sort of on the other end of it, so I was wondering what your thoughts were? I tried dating a guy friend a few months after I graduated. He was perfect: handsome, smart, same values of me, super sweet, never pushed me in anything. When I was drunk, I was totally fine with making out with him and "stuff," but could never do much more than that. Sober, i was terrified, so I broke it off. I have never dated since, and live a very isolated life where it is work, home and cat.

How do you even begin to work that out? I am seeing a new therapist, and have yet to bring this up to her--so I do know I need to do that. But, I don't ever go out, so its not like I can notice who I am attracted to, though I did use to play that game. I did notice the cute guys.

Ugh. Any thoughts would be so, so appreciated, and sorry for hte novel

 

This sounds like a really confusing situation. You mention that you notice guys. Do you ever notice women? Do you notice them in the same ways (like think the same thoughts)?

I'm sure it was fairly devastating and confusing for her to break off contact with you. It was probably really hard for her as well. Sometimes when we can't handle how someone is treating herself, it's hard to be there for her. I don't know just how deep you were in the depression, but I know that I distanced myself from my best friend during a time that I felt she was being really self destructive but refusing help. I loved her too much to watch her destroying herself. Thankfully, she ended up getting some help and many years later, we are back to being friends.

Can you talk more about what you mean that you don't ever go out? Do you have friends that you see socially? Would your friends/family be supportive if you were dating a woman?

 

She never really knew how bad my depression was. My other friend did, but that was because she lived in the same city as me and talked to me every day over the phone/I spent a lot of time at her parents house.

I have one friend in this city (that i've lived in for 11 years!), and its the same one I moved down here with (also the same friend that saved me after college). So, I am friends with her and her boyfriend, but that is it.

I am not sure that I do ever notice women. The only thing I can think of is when I went ziplining with my mom and her partner (that is a WHOLE 'nother story!), I was inextricably drawn to the ziplining instructor (female). I am afraid of heights, but I had been ziplining before, so it wasn't as terrifying as the first time, but I was still scared. ANYWAY, we get to this one tiny, tiny platform, and me and my mom are hugging the tree we are so scared, but the instructor asked if anyone wanted to ride tandem with her--that it would be more fun nad faster....and I said yes! I don't know what came over me.

But in the general world....no, but like I said I only go from home to work (as a preschool teacher) and back home--ocassionally to my friend's house.

Every once in awhile we'll go to a concert, but I am there with friends/to see a band, so I don't really notice other people--or ever, really. I truly don't know if I am so shut down so can't see all of this properly or what. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago because I was spiraling again in depression, and am starting to come out of it a bit.

---------- Post added 20th Aug 2015 at 03:26 PM ----------

Also--this friend from college that kissed me got married to a man last year, not that it really matters anymore, but I was a tiny bit sad it happened.

 

I can understand being a little sad about that possibility ending.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.

You sound like a bit of an introvert? I am, and I find it hard to meet people or know what to say to them. I watch extroverted people who seem to know everyone in a hallway (like at my kids' schools), and I am in awe.

What age do you teach? My daughter is 3, and she just started back to preschool. She loves it, and I'm super excited about her new teacher. She seems to really get that play can still be learning centered. Her 2 year old teacher let her spend pretty much all her time doing dress up, and she didn't really seem to learn a whole lot (including how to dress herself :/). I also have a 7 year old son who is in 2nd grade.

What do you like to do for fun? Are there any meet-up groups near you? Maybe you could find a book club or movie club to join.

 

I teach 2 year olds

I also am a hugeee introvert, so that plus living alone is not a great combination for me--plus depression.

I have looked into meet-up groups, but anxiety keeps me from ever actually doing any of them.

 

I totally hear you. I've worked a lot on getting over some of the same issues. I've signed up to get info on an glbt book club in town, but I haven't done anything with the info yet.

 

Newb to EC here, referred to this thread and ravenously read the entire thing! I thank all of you for your stories and words of wisdom!

I see so much of myself in all of you, but no matter what you choose to do for your lives, we are all different and my issue is that I don't know what is best for my life, nor do I trust my own feelings/emotions/judgement since falling for a woman at almost 40 years old.

Husband always said I was bi, I just laughed and went along, thinking my college frolics with women were immature empty-headed meanderings. He always said if I want to have sex with a woman I should, and he would not care. Well, one day I did want to. REALLY wanted to. Now she's all I think about. Wish I'd have read this thread before jumping in the water.

It's all sexy and hot when your wife wants to have sex with a woman on the side. It's not sexy and hot when she starts threatening to leave you.

Thing is, I had no problem with the marriage or my life before I met her. Now I really have to make an effort on a daily basis to not leave and throw my entire life away for her. I must take baby steps, as some of you wisely said.

I will be reading the EC forums a lot more. I just wanted to say thank you to y'all for posting your stories; it helps to know I'm not alone.

 

Welcome! Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

Yes! Totally! For my husband he thinks bringing another women into the bedroom will satisfy my needs/wants/desires. That's not it, he doesn't get it. Sure physical intimacy with a woman would be amazing but the emotional connection, that's what gets me. That longing, that desire to be with HER---I have never experienced that with a woman before like I have experienced with a woman. It's a completely different high, sigh, it's fantastic.