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This has NEVER happened before..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sugarskull, Jul 7, 2014.

  1. waterfall

    waterfall Guest

    I realize this is an old thread but I have to tell someone how much it meant to me to have this to read and re-read over the past few months. I too have been married for decades and fell in love with my best friend. It literally hit me like a bolt of lightning! I never expected it. The confusion, pain, fear and self realization that ensued brought me to realize what should have been obvious to me a long time ago. I spent my life wondering why I wasn't sexually attracted to any men and repressing any feelings that I had for women. This time was different though. The connection was already there and we were and are as close as two people can be. The amazing thing to me was discovering that I was even capable of such strong emotion. All of a sudden "takes my breath away" had a meaning. For awhile it was almost crippling….until I found EC and realized that I wasn't alone. I don't know yet where this relationship will end up but in some ways it really doesn't matter, we will always have each other, even if it never becomes more than the close and amazing friendship we share. I love her so much that I think, what if…what if I had gone through my entire life without experiencing what it feels like to really love someone? I am grateful for understanding why I always felt like an empty shell. It's too early to know what the future will bring, she is also married but feels the same way. So as you can see " it's complicated " It would have been so much easier if I could have felt this way about my husband. Sometimes I feel guilty for never feeling what I should have for him. He deserves more but I have learned that human emotions are not something you can turn on and off like a light switch….how simple life would be if that were possible.
     
  2. sugarskull

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    Welcome waterfall. As you can see, even though this is old, its become a venting station for all of us. We all feel the same way. The guilt, the joy, the confusion. But I feel the same, I love my boyfriend. He is my best friend...but I never stared at him in awe...I never felt like I would melt when he hugged me. I didn't think any of that stuff was possible. But it is. And it is so crazy.

    I want to just tell him so bad. Really, no time is going to be a good time. But I tried to talk to him last week about how I felt and instead of getting mad, hes become more clingy. Which really sucks LOL. Hes getting all mushy and talking about other kids we will have and getting married and all these future plans. While I sit here saying in my head "we are never going to get to that point"
    He knows I've been off (I've become really bad at showing my emotions) but oesn't know why.
    Where the Wizard of OZ to give me courage?
     
  3. stella99

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    Hi waterfall, this may be an old thread but im sure I speak for all the regulars when I say it means a lot to all of us in the support we get on here. Glad you've been helped reading it and welcome aboard. You sound as if you're well qualified to join in.

    Our situations present two issues in who we want to be with and who we are currently with. I dont know about you but my emotions can fly from one end of the spectrum to the other. Emotional rollercoaster is an understatement. For me, the pain of telling my partner and the heartache that would cause is too great. That may change in the future. I need to get to the mindset that im causing more pain by not telling him. Who knows when that will happen.
     
  4. DancingGirl

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    Welcome aboard Waterfall. Glad you found this thread enlightening and supportive. We are all at different stages in our crushes and hopefully you can find guidence and love here. I know I have. I feel so connected to the ladies who post here. Everyone understands and always has the words I seem to need.
    Share your travels with us. We would love to be by your side.
     
  5. waterfall

    waterfall Guest

    Thank you all so much for your support and understanding. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. The potential for so many lives to be hurt or even destroyed makes a decision almost impossible.
    At the same time the exhilaration, self discovery, the intense feelings that had never surfaced before in my entire life make me know that I don't ever want to stop feeling this way. Oh and yes Sugarskull, melting is the optimal way to describe the feeling I get just being around her….my god... sometimes just thinking about her!
    I was almost ready to believe I had lost my mind, until I came across this thread. I can't even tell you ( well I guess you already know ) how good it feels to know that there are others out there that have and are experiencing something you never thought was even possible.
    Thanks again for being there!
     
  6. HTBO

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    welcome waterfall to our virtual 'crush clutch'. We do know exactly how you are feeling and have been there. It is a wonderful experience to discover about yourself things that you never imagined possible. It's like having the light switch turned on and everything up to this point in your life finally makes sense. That's how it felt for me anyways. The decision and implications that come with that seem impossible, trust me, I know. But it may not be as bad as you expect, and it's not impossible. Everything always works out in the end and the way I try to look at it is that I only realized recently that i'm gay because now is when I'm able to deal with it and the consequences that come with the process
    I wish I had found this group when I was very deep into the crush situation and still not out to my ex-husband. I really needed somebody then, I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't even tell my friends at school about her because she is one of the profs there. But, it's still good to come here now and this is the thread I always look for first :slight_smile:
     
  7. DancingGirl

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    Me too. It miss all of you when we are too busy to type. I feel I have found someplace special. Where all my feelings make sense and nobody is rushing me to make a decision. Instead I find words of wisdom, encouragement and support. I had an emotional day. I saw her first thing this morning. At first it made me happy. But about an hour later I was back in a place of what ifs and whys and hows and some lusty thoughts. There are days I wish I would have not kissed her, held her against me and shared so much. I wish it would have been more just me having the crush and her knowing nothing about it. But no she had to have feelings too. And then decide that even though she is in love with me and has never felt like this about anyone, is going to stay in a relationship that gives her very little happiness. She cant even give me a good reason why. Ugh. And why should I care really? Its not like I am available. I am getting really close to telling my husband. I am not happy in any way. I just want ro be free of all of it. Her and him both. I am very scared and this isnt what I wanted for my life and my girls but it is just going to have to happen. I have most likely said these words before. But I am sad today. And just wish I could be happy.
     
  8. stella99

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    Hi DancingGirl, sorry you are having a sad day. I know exactly what you mean. All of my days used to be sad, thinking about her and the relationship we don't have. I used to think I would always feel like that. But I don't, already. There are definitely some days better than others where I feel I can function almost normally without her by my side. And then I still have days, like yesterday, where my stomach flips just because she's sitting beside me...I'm starting to be able to tell myself that when I have a bad 'missing her' day that I don't feel like this all the time now so it makes it easier to bear. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Stay strong, thinking of you. ( I really do, I sit at work beside her and think of things you have all said to try to help me, and wonder how you are all coping ).(*hug*)
     
  9. DancingGirl

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    Thanks. I do the same thing. When I want to email her or see her for lunch I remind myself I am better than that. I think of all of us and how far we have come and how far we have to go. I wonder throughout my day how you all are doing. Some times I wish we could have a big conference call. Talk about our achievements for the day. Like I managed to not flirt or for me I managed not to email her. But I am certainly better. I used to call, email, text and see her for lunch. Wow what a creeper I was. Not sure how she could even like me. Anyway...thx for your support. I always feel better after a little "crush clutch".
    Maybe one of us shoukd start a new thread title "crush clutch" :slight_smile:
     
  10. DancingGirl

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    Thanks. I do the same thing. When I want to email her or see her for lunch I remind myself I am better than that. I think of all of us and how far we have come and how far we have to go. I wonder throughout my day how you all are doing. Some times I wish we could have a big conference call. Talk about our achievements for the day. Like I managed to not flirt or for me I managed not to email her. But I am certainly better. I used to call, email, text and see her for lunch. Wow what a creeper I was. Not sure how she could even like me. Anyway...thx for your support. I always feel better after a little "crush clutch".
    Maybe one of us shoukd start a new thread title "crush clutch" :slight_smile:
     
  11. waterfall

    waterfall Guest

    HTBO-Since you speak in the past tense about your first crush, can I ask you if you have ever met anyone else, that you felt as strongly about? I spend half of my time worrying that if she ever decides she can't handle this, where will I be? Realizing that I am queer but never, to ever find another woman that I will ever love like her? It took this long to fall in love….this thought consumes me sometimes…..
     
  12. DancingGirl

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    Waterfall, I think about that alot. Will anyone ever fit like she did. In almost everyway. Again I wish it would have stayed at a crush level. Nope we had to fall in love. Have an emotional affair that seems fictional. And after all of that I will still be without her when I walk away from my marriage. But I try to have hope that there has to be someone out there. She was my eye opener. Thats all. She will be a fond memory someday. Sound confident? I wish I was as much as I sounded. Its gonna be scary. But we can do this.
     
  13. HTBO

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    Waterfall, I have two part answer to your question. My first crush I speak of in the past tense because it's summer and it's easy to distance myself from her when I don't see her or talk to her at all. When September comes, it may not be past tense anymore, but I think it will. Now to answer the second part, and I guess part of the reason most days I have been able to let trigger crush go is there's a new lady in town.
    So, yes, you will feel this again, except it will be so much better. With my trigger, she seemed like a fantasy, something that could never happen. I knew that, yet there was something in me that wanted to hold on to that. However, I have met another person. I haven't wanted to talk about her because it's worse, and I'm trying so hard not to think of her that way and I thought maybe if I don't talk about her then I won't have to deal with it!!! I'm beginning to think maybe we are not used to these types of emotions and when they occur it knocks us on our butts. This friend I have is someone who is only looking for friendship at the moment; she has a lot going on in her life, and I see that. I know there is no way she is ready for anything more than friends right now and that if we did go further, it would fail. It doesn't make it any easier, however :frowning2: She wasn't someone like my first crush who I just met one day and she smiled at me and I was lost (ok, a little more detailed, but you get the picture). This is someone who I've spent the last couple of months getting to know. I know a lot about her, and I understand her, and she understands me and I think this is part of the problem. My entire life I have been looking for that one person who may possibly understand how I work and how I think because no one else ever has. She does, and she has had the same problem, and I understand her because we think and work in very similar ways. Because of this, it draws us closer together, which makes it more difficult. Not only do we understand each other, I can see how amazing she is, and I'm not saying this in the same way as my first crush. I'm saying this based on what I know about her, and what I've witnessed. I have never met someone as caring, giving and selfless as her, and it seems everyday she does or says something else that amazes me even more. She always seems to know what I need when I need it. She will send me a text or email or will say something at the exact moment when I need to hear it, it's eerie in a way, and I'm the same way with her. We are very much in sync. And, unlike my trigger crush, I am very aware of her faults, I know they are there, and I have no problem with them. Not because I overlook them, but because I have thought about them and accept they are a part of who she is. I know I'm not perfect. Unfortunately, I see her as more than a friend, and I have been trying to fight it, and she knows this, and is very considerate when it comes to how I feel. Maybe I've been thinking of trigger to take my mind off my friend, What she needs is a friend, and in order to give her that, I need to focus on being her friend only. I know that there is the possibility that this may develop into more and it may not. I also know that she is important to me and I am important to her, and if all I can do is have her as a friend, then I will learn to deal with it. I'm so thankful that she came into my life, and showed me something that had been missing. It is very different from trigger crush, and I hope I've been able to portray the difference somewhat for you. To be honest, if the two of them were placed in front of me and I was told to choose, trigger crush would lose without a second thought. I NEVER thought a day would come that I would say that, yet here I am. I feel bad about not telling you guys about her, but it has been so much more difficult than dealing with trigger. My friend is a reality, not a fantasy and it's more painful to focus on the real thing than it is on the fantasy. I don't know how to deal with this. It's really confusing to feel like this and to actually put her needs ahead of mine and give her the friendship that she needs. I don't know what else to do. And so different from the trigger. We are both available, it's just life circumstances makes it an inopportune time. We don't work together, and have both admitted that neither of us expected this to happen. We pull back because we value our friendship and if we were to go further now, we would probably lose that, and neither of us wants that to happen.
    Did I answer your question :slight_smile:? Probably a little more detailed than you were expecting and unexpected for the rest of you. I guess tonight was the night to share this with you. Trigger is still there, but fading into the background, and what has recently evolved is even more powerful and amazing than trigger. Be strong guys, I'm learning it's not easy being gay. Friends are not just friends anymore, but so much more. Choose your friends wisely, based on who you are and what you are looking for and you will attract others who are similar. I don't wish these feelings away because they are wonderful. I just want to pause them for awhile until the time is right. To feel like this is something I never thought possible. It's not as overwhelming as trigger, but so much more powerful and fulfilling. Ok, so strong and resistant HTBO is gone, and I'm a smiling, happy mess:slight_smile:
     
    #113 HTBO, Jul 31, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2014
  14. No, neither of us are in relationships. I'll definitely try flirting with her directly, since I sort of already have.
    Thanks so much for the advice:slight_smile: honestly, I was really scared to come here, since i'm from a conservative, Christian house-which means i'm NOT supposed to be confused like this- but i'm really glad I decided to find you guys.
    I have a question- is it normal, if you like a girl or are questioning like me, for your attraction to the opposite sex to-pretty much- crawl in a hole and die?
    Thanks again for the help:slight_smile:
     
  15. HTBO

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    crawl in a hole and die is pretty accurate. Maybe more like scurry?
     
  16. Mikoto

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    You lot are lucky. I got rejected & people started flashing at me.Then again,I got ma bestie and all is well. My crush is anonymous.
     
  17. DancingGirl

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    HTBO- Wow! I got all excited for you. But then felt a trigger of pain. Everything you described about your new found crush, I had found in my trigger crush. I certainly hope you two find your place with each other. Trying to be friends is so hard. My crush and I are trying to do that, I fear it will never work for us. I fell in love with her that isn't going to change. So everyday I try really hard to put a alittle more distance there. But this last couple of days have been hard. I have regressed. Thinkimg about her. Needing her. She was ecerything to me and yesterday I needed that back for just a moment and found she had left for the day. I was so angry with her for not telling me she was leaving. Which led to an emotional email on my part. She probably thinks I am psycho now. It was stupid. Anyway...thanks for sharing with us. I didn't mean to get on a rant about her. With you both being available and talking about your needs right now I am sure your friendship will get stronger and hopefully you will find a place with each other for an amazing relationship based on the respect and love you have for each other now. Be well.

    pointofnoreturn- I agree with HTBO mine was a bit of a scurry too. Good luck.
     
  18. waterfall

    waterfall Guest

    HTBO-It sounds like this new relationship is so similar to to the one I'm involved in but without the complication of both of us being married…Ugh! I think you will find that a relationship based on true friendship first, is such a good foundation to build upon. When you said "she always seems to know what I need when I need it" hit hard! My friend always makes everything easier just by knowing me so well and knowing the exact right thing to say to make me smile, even laugh, when I feel like I am in an unmanageable crisis. The problem with this is, I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper in need of her. I don't ever want to get to the point that I feel I can't exist without her because even though we have been long time friends, I live in fear of becoming an emotional burden. Oh who am I kidding….I am such an emotional burden already! If she hasn't bailed already she probably never will. I truly believe that if we were both free to be together I would be the happiest, most fulfilled person on this earth! Instead I feel like I'm on--
    I think Stella66 said it best when she said an emotional roller coaster is an understatement!
     
  19. waterfall

    waterfall Guest

    HTBO-It sounds like this new relationship is so similar to to the one I'm involved in but without the complication of both of us being married…Ugh! I think you will find that a relationship based on true friendship first, is such a good foundation to build upon. When you said "she always seems to know what I need when I need it" hit hard! My friend always makes everything easier just by knowing me so well and knowing the exact right thing to say to make me smile, even laugh, when I feel like I am in an unmanageable crisis. The problem with this is, I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper in need of her. I don't ever want to get to the point that I feel I can't exist without her because even though we have been long time friends, I live in fear of becoming an emotional burden. Oh who am I kidding….I am such an emotional burden already! If she hasn't bailed already she probably never will. I truly believe that if we were both free to be together I would be the happiest, most fulfilled person on this earth! Instead I feel like I'm on--
    I think Stella66 said it best when she said an emotional roller coaster is an understatement!
     
  20. HTBO

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    DancingGirl- It is really good. It is painful as well, but it's worth it in a way. I don't want to distance myself because I have done that with every person in my life and since coming out I have begun to change that. Now I want to feel but I need to learn how to manage what I feel rather than push everything away. It really is a good feeling. It feels so strange to put someone else ahead of myself. I have never truly done that I don't think. With trigger I only cared about me, I didn't see it at the time. I didn't care about my ex, the fact that she was a prof and the effect it would have on her career or that she had a gf. Had the opportunity come, I would have taken it and caused so much damage. With my friend, she is the only thing I think about and I try to do what is best for her right now. It's hard, but it feels good to do that. I finally understand music, movies, romance, all of it. It makes sense. Trigger was a crush and I could relate to these things, but I wasn't thinking clearly then and as I said before it was a fantasy, yet with my friend, I get it. It also makes me feel really bad because I understand how my ex felt about me. I never felt this way about him even though I tried, and I'm beginning to truly understand how much I hurt him, not just in coming out to him, but during all those years that he loved me and saw me in every romantic song, movie, couple, etc. and how much he tried.


    Waterfall, I understand what you mean. I don't want to be an emotional burden either :frowning2: I've been trying to think about school and preparing for going back. I want to finish my master's this coming year and apply to the phd program so I'm focusing on that and doing some reading/research to occupy my mind a little more. I don't want to distance, but I need to focus on me so that I'm not completely focused on her and I can be what she needs me to be. Knowing what I need, it is so strange how it happens. For example, I work at night and one night I was really tired and a little cranky and I was trying hard not to be (I'm in charge of everyone and I like to be approachable). At the moment I was having difficulty doing this she sent me a text saying how amazed she was I was always so calm and never in a bad mood! She didn't know that I had been struggling with this that night, I hadn't talked to her in a few hours. It's like she knew. The other day she left for the month on a vacation and she was texting me right up until minutes before her flight left and I was thinking what if something happens, how will I know? I knew she would tell me when she was there and I didn't have to ask her, it's the type of person she is. Her last text to me that night was the details of her flight, the number, departure, arrival, etc. It was exactly what I needed. I could then check to reassure myself that she was ok. I don't know how she does it, but it's like she knows. I realize this sounds a little crazy but I have many examples, and it's not even what she does, it's the moment that she does it.