This has NEVER happened before..

pointofnoreturn: Becoming a Christian isn't going to change how you feel, in fact it may be worse depending on who you are around and whether they are accepting of the LGBT community. You have nothing to be ashamed of, how you feel is natural, and it's who you are. This is something to be proud of, not shameful. Rather than trying to run from it, work towards acceptance of yourself. You deserve to be happy, and denying who you are will not accomplish this. I think your name accurately depicts what happens once you realize you are gay, you can't go back to who you thought you were before because that's not really who you are. Acceptance can be a very slow process, and it does mean disagreements with yourself (yes, I know that sounds strange), but in the end once you do accept, you will be thankful that you stayed true to you.

Ruby Slippers: Of course you can join our club! Welcome I know what you mean about that connection, it's unreal, and wonderful, and scary and confusing all at the same time. I've never been in love before, not even with my ex-husband, and I didn't know that until it happened and wow!! Take your time with your feelings, if you are anything like me, they are new and foreign. I keep saying to myself 'where did they come from and what is this I feel'? It takes a little processing because it's overwhelming and words are not enough to describe it. It's great that the two of you both seem to want the same thing, and since you are now single, you have the freedom to explore this with just the two of you. You don't need to tell anyone else right now, just enjoy what you have and let yourself feel because it truly is an amazing feeling. Sorry I keep bringing it up, but it is so overwhelming! My friend is very guarded and has great difficulties with emotional attachment, so I'm being there for her and in the last few days, she's opened up to me a little more about her feelings which she carefully guards. I've tried to convince myself that I haven't fallen in love with her, it's only infatuation, and I decided to google the difference between the two to prove myself right (yes ladies, I admit, I did this), and I did not prove myself right. I even took a quiz! It said I was definitely in love. This makes it much more difficult to tell myself I'm infatuated and it won't last. In a way, I'm happy feeling this way, but it can be scary sometimes and I'd rather go hide from it than feel. To go all my life never having strong emotional attachments and never being in love to this is difficult to deal with some days. How did this turn into something about me?? Yes, back to our newest addition, don't worry about coming out until you are ready, nothing major is going to happen if you remain in the closet, especially while you try to figure out what is happening between the two of you

 

Thanks for this wonderful thread. It feels so much better to not be alone in this. I keep feeling like such an idiot to be coming out at almost 30, married with a child. It's like I had inclinations that this was true when I was younger but I just always chose not to process it and then (OF COURSE) someone came in to my life last year that completely forced me to come head on with these feelings I'd been stuffing down for years. It wasn't the first time a lesbian woman approached me and recognized my eye contact, gaydar or whatever (which i always would sort of curiously approach and then freak out and block them out of my life) but it was the first time I really took it in and became aware of my feelings. I am not out to my spouse but it's just too difficult right now. Fortunately my "trigger" lives in another state since we just moved a couple months ago, but I have all these feelings I need to process but instead I have them on ice until I can figure out what my next move is.

 

HTBO: I appreciate what you are saying, but I don't know for sure that I'm a lesbian; this is the first conscious time that I've liked a girl. By conscious, I mean that I've always been very aware of girls, and somewhat nervous around them- maybe because I'm shy, I don't know. I've never been in a relationship, but all my crushes and feelings up until now have been toward guys- even though I have always known I want to experiment. I have always thought that wanting to experiment is normal, though I might be wrong about that.
Just out of curiosity, what does your username mean?
Thanks so much for the help. You've been so incredibly supportive. It's nice to come here and be honest and not have to worry about looking over my shoulder all the time

 

FortunateSally: Don't feel bad, I'm 37 with 3 kids and I came out to myself in October. I was in complete shock, had no idea. I was very deep in the closet, yet once I did come out, I saw that there were signs everywhere that for some reason I chose to ignore. I didn't even realize that I had trained myself to dismiss any thoughts I had about women. Once I realized that I was doing it, I noticed how often, and it happened ALL the time. It's better to find out now than to never know.

pointofnoreturn: It's ok if you're not sure, but I still don't recommend becoming a Christian to repress anything. Try to figure out who you do like. Let go of your inhibitions, thoughts of shame, or any other preconceived notions you do have about homosexuality. Once you can let those inhibitions go, it'll be much easier for you to realize who you are. I don't really know if wanting to experiment is normal or if that's an excuse people make to help them deal with their sexual desires.
I honestly thought I was straight until about 10 months ago. I thought maybe I had a low sex drive and I was emotionally distant. I never considered the possibility that I wasn't attracted to men. It wasn't until my trigger crush occurred that I realized this wasn't true, but that it is women I like. At first I thought maybe I was bi because I had been married, but it didn't take long after realizing my interest in women that I realized I have no sexual or romantic interest in men. It wasn't until I accepted who I was for me to see this. All of this required me being very honest with myself and following my instincts. Even when i was younger, I always had much greater attachments to women, regardless of their age. I just thought it was a female thing, but now I think it may have been another sign which at the time I wouldn't have even noticed because I was from a very small town and that wasn't even considered a possibility at the time. You may not be a lesbian, and this could be a one time thing, but there is also the possibility that you are a lesbian. You owe it to yourself to find out.
HTBO means happy to be out (at least to those who matter)
I'm glad I have been helpful. Yes, it is good to have a place to come to and not to feel like you are alone. Being here has helped me a alot, sometimes just reading through threads is all I need to know that I am not alone.

 

This is such a wonderful, supportive group! I wish I had heeded the warning that consistently runs through this thread--- not to let myself become totally consumed by these new feelings! I did just that and was so hurt when my "trigger crush" decided to "distance" our relationship because she couldn't handle it, that I was having trouble even functioning. I was afraid I would lose my job if I didn't get a grip! I finally had to tell someone, so I told the only person I could trust...my wonderful husband! He was not shocked at all. He said he has suspected it for years and that the reason this all happened is that I just finally stopped repressing my feelings. I can't even tell you how good it felt to hear him say those words. He was sweet and kind and not one bit judgmental. I don't know what the future will bring but I am not afraid anymore…..

 

Waterfall, that is such wonderful news! My husband had also suspected it, which makes it much easier. He was insulted that I didn't feel like I could talk to him about it. I completely understand how you feel, the most difficult part is over and you can now begin with the rest of your life. Congratulations, and enjoy!!

 

Thanks for the welcome

You are so right about going slowly. After being in a relationship my whole adult life I feel compelled to figure out what this is and label it neatly but I keep finding that I can't do that. Sometimes that frustrates me but then I remember that this is not only new for me but for her too and I need to go slow

 

Welcome newcomers. Glad to have you aboard. I have been busy and missing my crush clutch. First I want to say congratulations to Waterfall. How wonderful for you. It gives me some encouragement that someday it will happen for me too.
To all who are questioning. I don't think anybody should have to label themselves. My crush has huge issues with the fact I will not label myself as a lesbian. When I replied that I don't believe that label fits me, she got all defensive. Like I wasn't good enough to be gay then because I was some man hating dyke. Then wanted to know if I was bi because she couldn't be with a bi girl. When I told her that label didn't fit either she said I needed to make up my mind. Why? I will love who I love. Yes I have come to find women more attractive, yes I believe a women is who I want to spend my life with, but I just don't feel this need to label it. Anyway....I didn't mean to get into a rant about that. I just think we love who we love. Let yourself explore it, especially if you are young. So many things can change for you. But I sometimes wish I would have just let those feelings do their thing.
Well I will be absent for a few more days. Taking my kids on their first camping trip. Wish I had more time to chat. The little ones have been keeping me busy.
In the end just keep moving forward. See ya ladies.

 

Seriously HTBO, the parts you have written about yourself, I could've written about me, all of it! It's very weird isn't it, when people in the real world don't have a clue about you and likely wouldn't understand if you told them, yet on here there are people who share almost your same back story! It's so good to know that we are not alone and this group, as Waterfall said, is wonderfully supportive

Waterfall - so happy for you being able to come out to your husband and for the reaction that you got. Let us know how you navigate through it all with him, definitely looking for inspiration! My husband, when the time comes to tell him is going to either be like that, or totally go off the deep end, I really have no idea which.

FortunateSally - definitely don't feel bad about not knowing! I didn't even have an inkling till I was 34, with 4 children, so you're definitely not alone there.

RubySlippers - you seem to be in a good place right now, it sounds wonderful . I had goosebumps reading your other thread when you said you didn't know intimacy could make you feel like you did.

DancingGirl - hope you and your kids enjoy your camping trip! Very brave . I'm not one for camping, could do one night, but enjoy home comforts too much x

 

I'm really, really afraid, guys. School starts in 2 weeks; we haven't had any contact since school let out. I'm terrified to face her, because I don't want this to ruin what is an already precarious friendship; I'm terrified that I'll say something stupid and alienate her, or worse, blurt out the truth and risk losing her forever. I'm afraid to be around her because it makes my feelings that much worse; it's like she's got me in a trance or something, and only after she goes to class or wherever do I wake up.
HTBO: I know you've told me not to be afraid or ashamed, but I can't help it. Every time somebody looks at me, I feel like they see it, like there's a big red Q on my forehead; it sounds stupid, I know, but I'm so anxious and worried about something I know in my heart isn't wrong...it can't be wrong because it's pure, it's innocent and true. So why does it feel wrong to me, in the sense that I've committed a crime or something?
Sorry to be so self absorbed; how are things with you?

 

Don't be afraid, everything will work out. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Try telling yourself that she is just a girl like all the others. I know it's not true, but a lot of what's going on is what your mind is telling you so try to take back control over it. I know it sounds strange, but it does work. When you see her, try to be casual, initiate conversation, become someone she trusts and she will open up. Be there for her and make sure she knows that you are and your relationship will become stronger. Just don't push anything or become over eager with her. I know it's difficult to be patient and to let things occur at their own pace (trust me, I'm having this same struggle), but I keep telling myself it will be worth it, and I do believe that.
I understand how difficult it is not to feel ashamed. It's ok to feel that way, it's not your fault, but it's the way society is. We are taught and raised to be heterosexual and when we feel something that does not conform to that we feel shame. No one can tell by looking at you what you are thinking or feeling, that's your insecurities speaking. When you are having these negative thoughts try to counteract them with positve thoughts. Remind yourself that you can't change who you are, and that you can love whoever you want, and that there is nothing wrong with how you feel or think. More importantly, remind yourself that it's not important what anyone else thinks about you, your opinion is the only one that matters. I realize this may be difficult to accept, but you will realize this one day. You will be so much happier when you do and when you live your life for you and not for anyone else. It's a lesson that took me 37 years to learn, but I am so much happier now. Be proud of who you are and don't try to change it.

 

Thanks HTBO; I will definitely try to take your advice to heart, luckily I only have about a year left until I can live my life for me my family is going to church tomorrow, so this should be interesting:lol:. I'm going to try to busy myself with finishing schoolwork, chores, etc. Hopefully that will help. Thanks again; if you ever need my advice on anything, I will do my best to help you. Best of luck with everything

 

Glad i was pointed to this thread. In the same boat as many of you. My "trigger crush" was when I was about 16 years old. Im 44 now and separated with 4 kids. My husband knows Im gay and a select few. My story is in the welcome section. I still think about my first girl crush often even though I havent seen her since high school. Its crazy because even tho i was always attracted to guys nothing hit me like it did with her. I didnt really even know her but was infatuated. I maybe spoke to her a couple times and only a few words. I think she is gay but not sure. She lives half way across the country so i doubt Ill ever see her again.

Anyway I'm only attracted to women now. Ive never really enjoyed sex with men and never understood why until now. Hopefully ill meet someone that will have the same effect on me as this girl did. Ive had crushes since and its always so strong never been that way with men. Anyway glad I found you all.

 

Welcome anniesims :smilewave
A lot of what you describe is much like myself. There do seem to be a lot of us in the same boat that's for sure.

 

Oh gosh, this thread! I can relate to some of it. My heart has been singing and crying at turns for you all while reading it. I just posted in the welcome subforum a little while ago; I'm new.

I also love the term 'trigger crush'! Last month I got a new cube neighbor at work. We hit it off right away and one day when she complimented my dress, my face caught fire and I realized I had a massive crush. I had never closed myself off to the idea of falling for a woman, but I had exclusively crushed on/dated men for years and been perfectly happy. When we became FB friends I stalked her profile looking for any clues that she was into women, but I still wasn't sure. I invited her out that weekend with two girlfriends of mine; they never showed up so it was just me, my crush, and another of our female coworkers she had invited.

Long story short, she came home with me at the end of the night, though we didn't do 'everything'. The physical intimacy has been progressive. At first I was nervous, but the mad attraction took care of that. She's unequivocally lesbian and she knows she's my 'first'; I think she gets a kick out of that. We are smitten with each other.

The big complication: The other week at work, she got promoted. Though I don't report to her, because she will occasionally have to evaluate me, we have to keep our relationship a total secret to anyone who works with us. We can't be open on FB or anything, and whenever we are out together we run the risk of colleagues, even management, spotting us and being found out anyway. Management can do whatever they want upon learning that we are romantically involved, up to and including transfers and termination. She really needs her position because she's working on gaining independence from her family (she's 23, still lives at home, doesn't have her own car, etc), while I've been independent for years (I'm 27, was in a cohabiting relationship for almost a year, then living on my own for the last 2+ years). We almost broke up the other day because of her paranoia over losing her job, but in the end we couldn't bear the thought of it and decided to stick together. So we're still a couple, in hiding, and we both hate that, but until I can get transferred to a different department or get another job altogether, that's the way it has to be.

As far as being 'out', I came out as bi to my closest family (parents, brother, great-aunt, a few close cousins) and friends, and they also know I am involved with a woman. Their love for me has not changed. I feel very, very fortunate in that regard. I do hope those of you who are struggling soon find peace.

 

Hello again Ladies,

Welcome to all the newcomers and congratulations to those who have progressed out of the closet in the past few weeks.

I have been keeping a low profile while I try to refocus my attention from my crush. I survived 2 weeks without her slightly easier than I thlought I would, probably due to the sudden realisation that it was conceivable that she could perceive me as coming on too strong and ask not to work with me..........can you imagine???

That thought made me pull right back and be totally concious of my actions. I was so focused on trying to let her know I was interested even though im married I started to wonder if I was going too far. I still feel the same about her although I believe now she does not feel the same. I dont know if ive convinced myself of this to make it easier, but it does. Convincing myself she is not interested allows me to put up a wall between us that helps me cope. I just keep thinking what if she asked to be transferred...i still have moments where my stomach flips when we are together but I know I have to control myself. We will be working together, although maybe not every day, until after christmas so i need to find a mind set to see this through and be professional. I am actually managing to be less jealous of her colleagues and friends and managing to think of her as only a friend. How im doing this I don't know. Its hard and it hurts but I know I have to if I dont want her to be so uncomfortable she takes action. In saying all this I cannot even say for sure if she is even aware of my thoughts and feelings for her. I guess im playing safe and trying to find a way to cope. Some days it is still really hard and my stomach is still in a knot.....

However, although I don't think we will ever be an item she has served a very important purpose in my life by showing me the emotional connection I can have with a woman. I appreciate I must deal with my marriage issues before I think of having a relationship with anyone else. That may take some time but I know there are issues there. Who knows how long I will need to address the situation but it will be in my time and at my own pace. Im not puting pressure on myself, ill know when im ready. I now know the feeling of a true emotional connection.

Just an aside, a woman started talking to me in the queue in the supermarket last week and I really felt a vibe I have not been aware of before. We chatted about mundane things then she walked off once she was done. I literally just stood and watched her go......it this what it's like??

 

Thank you for directing me to this post. My crush is my best friend, she is beautiful and pure and very very straight...she is very hands on however and loves to be held on the couch just because she needs the physical connection to another human. She has never been in a relationship and never had anybody but me tell her "I love you" and mean it aside from family. When ever I am near her my heart is both elated and crushed. I know that this addiction is unhealthy and that she does not return my feelings but this is not the first life time we have been drawn to each other and we both feel strongly that in a previous life time we were lovers. It makes things hard because I feel the residual feelings for her from then too. I am highly aware. In Utah I am surrounded with straight friends and none of them understand this rollercoaster of emotion I am on. I just came out to everyone important in my life and am dealing with the backlash of my parents reaction (rejection: you are welcome if you pretend to be normal) I sometimes feel like I am the only one out here that feels passionately about women and I need a new circle of friends maybe ones that aren't so straight since I fall in love with them

 

anniesims: completely understand about feelings for women being much stronger than men. It wasn't until my trigger crush that I realized how I felt about my husband was only a small fraction of what I could feel. I'm happy that I was able to eventually realize this.

Pulcharia: So unfortunate about the woman you are seeing. You actually have what you want but have to keep it a secret because of the work situation! At least you have each other for support, and I'm sure you will find a solution soon enough.

Islandof1: You are setting yourself up for a lot of pain with your friend. If she's straight, then you need to find a way to put a little distance between you. It would be different if she wasn't and you could build on that, but as you indicated, she's not. You are only torturing yourself by cuddling with her, and there will be a point you will need to pull away a little and you are only going to make it more difficult the longer you wait. I know reality is not easy to face, but unfortunately, it is going to happen. All of us on here know the pain of wanting someone you can't have and this is why I'm saying this to you. We know how difficult it is to accept reality, but it's better to do it on your own rather than have it forced on you when you are not ready. This will cause even greater pain.
Sorry to hear about your parents reaction, it's difficult when you don't receive the support you so desperately need. As far as finding others in your area, have you tried online dating? Not necessarily to date anyone, but just as a way of finding others who are also interested in women in your area. Chances are you are not the only person there, but if there are not many people around, it's just more difficult to find them and online dating is a good way to find those people. You may make some good friends doing this. I only suggest it because I have used it and I've made a couple of friends through online dating sites, and one of them has become very important to me

 

I'm so tired....tired of hiding and lying and pretending to be that same straight girl. tired of looking over my shoulder and of not being able to get her out of my head. I'm tired of a society that, if they knew, would shut me out even worse than they already have. And I'm tired of wanting her so damn bad, even though I can't act on it- not right now, and maybe never.
But I can't hate her; I can't just cut her out of my life. It's not her fault that she's so damn beautiful that she leaves me speechless, or that she's funny and sweet and kind, or that she's the only person I've ever known who took one look at me and saw ME, not my wheelchair.
But it is her fault that I'm so tired.

 

Sometimes I truly dream about just leaving my husband and child and escaping. It's a horrible thing to think and I know it would create a lot more issues but once you have that paradigm shift, it's so difficult to curb your enthusiasm in the name of stability. I know I need to get my work/schooling situation taken care of before I get out there, get my marriage situation taken care of, etc. I just feel so anxious and unhappy. Like I opened pandora's box and I can't stop all these huge feelings.