This has NEVER happened before..

I agree some days are better than others. FortunateSally, I used to think back and wonder why didn't I realize earlier and think about all the wasted years, but I realize there is no point in doing that to myself, it happened the way it did and I can't change that. After you tell your husband and everything has worked out, you will be glad you didn't cheat on him. I know I used to think about it all the time and in the end I didn't, and very happy I didn't because it made my coming out that much better. I can't imagine telling him not only that I was gay but that I cheated on him as well. Would have been terrible, but these things do happen and as we all know, we are not very rational especially with our trigger crushes.
Speaking of trigger, I had a moment of weakness kind of. Semester begins tomorrow so I sent her an email telling her if she needs help with anything to ask. I don't know if it was a moment of weakness or I'm trying to make contact with her first and control it before I see her. I do have little twinges, but not like before. I think I need to see her and talk to her so that I can close that chapter for good and form a professional relationship with her. Really, my heart belongs with my friend right now and not with trigger
As for coming out to more people, I think since I came out to my ex and my family and close friends, I don't make much of an effort anymore. I bring it up casually during conversation or if I'm with friends who know then they always bring up something about the 'ladies' and whoever is with us and not aware learns about it at that moment. Sometimes there is confusion on their face and sometimes they look like they already knew. I got tired of going around telling everyone, and now I'm trying to make it as just another part of me and no big deal.

 

I look forward to a time when I can be at that point. It sounds likes more peaceful headspace than the chaotic one I'm in now.

 

It was a very rocky journey to get to this point, but so worth it. Of course, now that I'm here and have the freedom to be who I really am, I have new problems Trying to deal with emotions about my crush before I came out was difficult, but at the same time knowing that I was married was kind of like a safety net; I knew I couldn't do anything about those feelings. Now, I'm forced to deal with them and they are incredibly scary but wonderful all at the same time. Some days I'm feeling wonderful, others I feel like going back to feeling nothing would be easier to deal with. However, recently my friend has been opening up a lot more, and I feel like she's getting closer to me which makes the feelings worth it. It's difficult to just let ourselves feel after feeling void for so long. It's like a burst of emotion that just keeps coming. Thankfully school begins tomorrow and I can return to my chaotic life with not enough time to think about anything but school. Maybe it will help me take my mind off her a little. The strange thing is that school has always been very high priority for me, primarily because I'm aiming for a phd so everyone else except my kids came after school, including my ex. My friend, however, I feel like I'm ready to give her high priority, along with school. I have never allowed that to happen before, and then that scares me. Emotions! and women!

---------- Post added 1st Sep 2014 at 01:02 PM ----------

by the way, I wouldn't change any of it. I love knowing who I am and that I can finally experience what everyone else does, and that songs and movies, and the whole world finally makes sense. I wouldn't change it or go back into the closet for anything. It truly is a wonderful feeling to be who you were meant to be, and you really do feel that way. It's difficult to explain, but once I came out, I had this feeling like I'm perceived as different anyways, so I may as well be who I want to be instead of who I'm expected. I've always been defined by something. I've been a mother since I was 17, a wife, a nurse, a student, I've never been able to discover who I really am without a label and I am finally doing that now and loving it. It's a liberating feeling and you will all be able to experience it one day and will hopefully love it the way I do. It'll give you something to look forward to. It does get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to get through that tunnel (or closet). What you are experiencing, and the pain you are going through will end and you will find a sense of peace and happiness that you never knew existed.

 

HTBO - thank you so much for sharing. Your posts always help me so much and I find so much perspective, wisdom and hope in them. I am rooting so much for you and your crush , you really deserve to find love and happiness and peace x

 

Saw my crush today, of course I thought the feelings had lessened slightly since I haven't seen her for six weeks, but no the second I saw her beautiful face i was flooded with feelings again and butterflies and breathlessness and arousal! Made more overwhelming when she smiled at me! It's ridiculous really, how can a simple smile elicit such powerful feelings! The affect she has on me is crazy, especially when we've barely even spoken!

 

It feels hopeless sometimes, doesn't it, Mocha? They are so beautiful and make you melt. And the smile, makes you weak and vulnerable and ready to do whatever they want. Yes, I understand completely. It's a wonderful feeling though, isn't it?

 

The smile, the eyes, the smell, they way they move and oh dear god I hope she doesn't say my name. That's the moment she has me and she knows it. Why must I be so weak. What is this power she has over me. Almost other worldly. Is she some kind of goddess to hold such? Oh and my heart, she holds it in her hand. I sure hope she is gentle with it, for it is brimming with emotions and may just explode.

Sorry ladies. I was having a moment and went with it. I love to write about her. I have notebooks full.

 

Its when we're laughing lots and her eyes crinkle up and shes looking at me for such a long time and im looking at her thinking....well im quite sure you all know what im thinking...i sometimes wonder how we can look each other in the eye so long. Its as if we've forgotten what we were laughing at and we just look at each other. Does she notice whem my eyes divert to her lips for a second..... I know what im thinking, I just wish I knew what she is thinking. Her eyes have a direct line of communication to my stomach... Its such a blessing that we can't read minds........Or is it?????

 

Hi everyone. This is a great thread. Having your first lesbian crush has so many intense feelings, happy and sad ones. It's natures way of telling us we are who we are. I had a few intense unreciprocated crushes which told me for sure I was gay. I came out at 31 and am still at 35 with my first lesbian partner of 7 years. I'm pleased I came out, it's great to be free - but then I didn't have the added aspect of children, husband, financial dependancy on someone. My advice is little positive steps. Don't over analyse spoken on unspoken gestures. True love will blossom. Don't waste time in your head or holding out in hope. Live your life and do things that make you a better a more fulfilled person.

I actually have a crush on a female co worker. She is getting divorced and has 2 children. We flirt. I don't know whether she is gay. I love her very much and have done since December 2012. I have finally decided to let her go as she's not out, doesn't tell me how she feels, she knows how I feel. I loved her so much, felt the emotions of those 'hello' hugs, saw the light in her eyes, wanted to make her happy as she's sad. You have to protect yourself first and free your heart to love others that want to love and be loved.

Good luck to all.

 

It's just hard when your in the point when you're trying to get your shit together... In my case finishing school so I can seek meaningful employment is what I absolutely have to do before I can come out enough to actually "get out there" in the world. So here I am living inside my head and desperately seeking quiet support since I have at least two years before it's possible to do anything. What's another year or two if it means I can be truly independent but it sure is hellacious waiting right now. I feel so much anger at myself for denying myself so much. Sometimes living in your headspace is the only thing keeping you sane.

 

Fortunate Sally, I'm in a similar boat in that I need to be sure of financial independence for my kids sake before I come out. It's so hard sometimes. Today feels like one of those days. Saw my crush again today - god she is so beautiful and I think I fall for her just a bit more whenever I see her. How's everyone getting on? X

 

Hi mocha, I thought I was over my crush but I'm not convinced. I have convinced myself she is not interested and try to keep reminding myself of that to make it easier. However, after not seeing her for a week, after she said, for the third time, " I thought of you last week when such and such happened "I couldn't stop myself saying I was getting worried about her thinking about me. She said she was getting worried too....then later in the day she told me I have very expressive eyes...and I wonder why I can't get over her! What is she playing at? My other colleagues have never noticed my 'expressive ' eyes before....

 

Hey Stella, she's definitely got feelings for you, she wouldn't say stuff like that otherwise. Have you thought about just telling her how you feel? Lol, it's understandable that you can't get over her! I'm having a better day today, was right down in the dumps about everything yesterday! Amazing what a good sleep does

 

I cannot tell her how I feel. She works for an external company so I have to be professional at all times. If I have got it wrong then she could lodge a complaint so I have to pull right back. But its really difficult when she comments on my eyes and how she often thinks of me when we are apart....is this expected behaviour for an external employee? My new mantra is 'she's not interested' 'shes not interested'....i try to take on board 'emotional loves' advice of 'dont waste time in your head or holding out in hope'. And then she tells me how she loves me - if, for example, ive proved her company wrong....but you cant say that to me. Not in my current mental state. I give up sometimes, i cant be strong forever. I cant get my head together when she's being so personal......

 

That must be really tough. Maybe she's thinking the same, that she can't cross the line, so is just flirting with you instead. No wonder though you can't get your head together! It'd drive me insane!

 

Why don't you invite this lady out for coffee. Settle for friendship. If things happen it will be natural. If in a few months time you feel you have got a new friend, but still want more tell her that you have feelings for her. Tell her as a friend not a co worker. She's being personal to you, saying that she thought about you, she loves you etc. These are not words normally spoken amongst colleagues. Perhaps she knows you love her, want her, perhaps she likes the attention, perhaps she feels the same. Open the book up, be honest, give her time to react. Crushing on someone for years is no joy. When you are crush free there are other lovely, gay, women out there, but however your crush may like you too. Be brave, be positive and live your life to the full.

 

Stella, I understand how you feel. There was a big boundary between me and my trigger crush, and one of the reasons I was able to eventually pull myself away. I knew I still had another year and I want to do my Phd at the same school, and since she was one of my profs and I was her TA, she's a good person for a reference. There were so many reasons I couldn't pursue. Ok, she also has a girlfriend...irrelevant at the time. How long will your crush be around for work? Is there a end in sight? It's so difficult when you analyze every word and gesture and makes it difficult to move on. I just want to say stop being so thoughtful, caring, funny, beautiful, etc. It does sound positive for you though I would be analyzing that in a good way.
Emotional Love: How do you just be friends with someone?! If you have any suggestions, or anyone else, I would be happy to hear them. I've tried to maintain a friendship boundary with my friend, but it's so difficult when I feel much more. I need to see her as a friend only, at least for now. She's not ready for anything more at the moment and I'm trying to focus on school but can only focus on her! We're becoming good friends and getting closer, but I need to get her out of my head, or at least not have her there all day. It's more difficult when she flirts with me, and because we understand each other so well, and when she says things that hint at a possible future. She takes a long time to make connections, emotional attachment is not easy for her so I know the best thing is to not have expectations so I'm not waiting in case it doesn't happen because she's too afraid (a big problem right now) and to be just friends. The problem is I know exactly what she feels, I understand the fear and the prefering feeling nothing to the possibility of feeling pain. That was me all my life, and this is the first time that I don't want to run from it and I want to see what happens even if it means not to my advantage. I'm finally ready to take that risk and I'm willing to wait but at the same time, I don't want to have her as my only focus. I need to continue living my life.

 

i'd also felt this way

 

Thanks guys. I will be working with my crush for a few months yet at least, probably more. So no end in sight in the near future. I have realised nothing can be said until we are not working together, so months away. In the meantime, tortur....

HTBO -I too would like some tips on thinking of someone as just a friend. I've managed to stop myself saying 'shes not interested, she's not interested ' out loud, so far....i hope it stays that way....you are lucky in that you have some positive feedback from your friend and can talk about your situation. But yes, how much time is healthy to spend thinking of another? I know how much it can take over your life.

Ive started looking for new interests (? cooking classes) to occupy my mind and to focus it elsewhere. This has the added advantage of meeting new people which opens up lots of opportunities too.......

 

I think one of the moms at my kids preschool is gay. She was doing the long eye contact and seems to have a pretty queer hair cut. I'm considering asking for her info since my kid doesn't have any friends in town yet. It might be nice to have a friend who understands what I'm going through. I guess assuming is bad but maybe she went through something similar since she also has a kid. I have a really hard time talking to her though because she's so attractive and nice and intense. I'm so used to women sort of averting their eyes unless you're good friends or coworkers. I find myself fumbling and. Acting like an awkward teenager every time she comes over to say hi to me when I drop my kid off. I don't have a crush on her or anything but let me just exclaim how weird it is feel this way. I shut it off for so long. I even went as far back in the day as feeling threatened by gay women talking to me and now I'm sort of dressing/ acting more out even if I'm not totally verbally out yet and it's just such a trip. I feel like I robbed myself of an adolescence but I guess better late than never! It's exhilarating to have people... Women make you feel like that even without a meaningful relationship. I feel almost human now instead of emotionally frigid.