This has NEVER happened before..

Thank you all for this thread. It has been really helpful reading through what everyone else has been thinking and doing.

I guess my journey started when I was about 16 and had my first female experience with my best friend. I was dating a guy at the time, and I really liked him, but she and I started messing around, and we continued on and off a few times over the next 2 years until I got more serious with my boyfriend. He knew about her, and it wasn't a big deal when it started (I guess I was experimenting), but it became a bigger deal as we got older. Throughout high school, my friends were very open to people being queer - all the girls kind of flirted and experimented (touching boobs, light petting, that sort of thing), but it never really seemed serious.

My best friend and I kind of lost contact as we got older and for a long time didn't really see/talk to each other. When I got married (to my high school boy friend), I invited her to the wedding, and she came even though we hadn't talked in a long time. She had gotten married for a really short time at 18, and then had relationships with mostly women since then. She brought a man with her to the wedding, whom she ended up marrying about 6 years ago.

In the past 8 years or so, she would come into town about once a year to visit family, and we would try to get dinner with all the high school friends who still live here. Never thought much about it, but it was pretty much only dinner.

This summer, we went out to our friend's (gay! - knew he was gay before he did ) wedding with our husbands and several other friends.

Long story, slightly shorter, I ended up realizing that I was still having feelings for her. I talked to my husband about it, and he pretty much said of course you do, you loved her in high school, and it was fine to have feelings but not act on them (yay for support but so hard to do), and I told her too. She asked me what I wanted from her, and rather lamely I told her that I wanted her to stay my friend. She replied that some kinds of love aren't compatible - what the H does that even mean? - but of course we would stay friends.

Since the trip, I'm thinking about her all the time, and having dreams about her, but we are talking and texting and emailing more. I'm kind of lonely - I work with my parents, and pretty much see them or my kids all day long - and it's been really good having someone else to talk to. Also, I did tell a friend of mine who also has kids. She caught me on an angst-ridden day after the trip and was worried about me. I told her that I'd let her know what was going on one time when we were alone without our kids around (totally not ready for that yet! plus they are young), and she was cool with it.

Unlike almost everyone on this thread, I'm not a lesbian, but I am coming to terms with being more that "bi curious in high school" which is how I had seen myself.

My husband and I are good. It's not like we don't love each other, and sex is great and everything, but I still feel like something is missing. I also feel really guilty for feeling like that.

Anyway, thought I'd stop mostly lurking and thank everyone for the support you didn't know you were giving.

 

I keep telling myself " you are too old to be so out of control all the time "-- but I am! It's like I am experiencing all the feelings and trials that should have been part of my youth.
I have started noticing one of the women in the office that I think is gay and I am attracted to. Every time I try to make conversation, I stumble and turn red and sound like an idiot. I can't even imagine what she could be thinking. What has happened to me? This is utterly unbelievable! I am just like a teenager going through all the angst that should have been part of my younger years. I never felt consumed by a man. I always felt nothing but ambivalence! I really feel your pain HTBO because I think we have to relearn everything. I am older than all of you, so this is NOT an easy task! I keep trying to get everything into perspective but all the new feelings are so overwhelming. I did learn from my trigger that you need to take each day as it comes, enjoy the friendship and stop trying to rush things…now if I can only apply the knowledge!
What a crazy, but wonderful new world I have entered! I have never felt so alive in my life!

 

I feel you. I'm 37, with 2 kids. I've been with my husband since high school. I've been feeling totally angst ridden since I realized I was more than "bi curious" which is how I had identified myself. I don't think I'd still be wanting to be with my HS best friend 20 years later if I were just curious. And there was the one other girl I really wanted to be with in college, but didn't pursue bc I was dating my now-husband.

 

Ah, yes. I have a crush. I actually dated him a while ago. The hair, the eyes, the smile, the laugh, the voice, the body. My, my. I hate it when he notices me though, because then I know he doesn't look at me as his girlfriend anymore. Now he looks at me as his crossdressing ex. There's this other one though. He really grabs my heart. But I'm not just gonna sit here and talk about my invisible love-life! I hope you and your crush get married and lots of babies together, Mocha! :laugh:

 

I came out to my mother by email tonight. I might start slowly coming out to a few close friends. I'm not sure yet. so scary. One part of me thinks I should jsut wait it out but I'm screaming inside.

 

I would like to know if anyone else is feeling the way that I do now? I have worked through the denial, shock, confusion and finally self acceptance. Now I am feeling more confident than I ever felt before in my life. I feel proud to know and be who I am! I can walk with my head held high, I have more tolerance for others, I even feel friendlier and kinder. WHY? This is totally unexpected! Nice, believe me, but not anything like what I thought I would feel like! Blows my mind!

 

Waterfall, I feel the same way! It is so wonderful to have this happiness and peace, to know and be happy with who you are. Go with it, it gets better

 

Ok ladies, if you knew someone had a crush on you and you were not interested would you continue to flirt and talk about going away together?

I honestly do believe my crush is not interested and also that she is aware of how I feel about her.

So why does she joke about us going on business trips together and what fun it would be. Is she playing me for a laugh, cos im certainly not laughing. I really do think she knows how I feel but she doesn't back off. She still leans against me when she can and stares at me until I melt. (and tease me about us going away together. Why would she do that when she knows how I feel? ive tried to putm yself in her position to think waht I would do if I knew someone had a crush on me and it doesn't make sense. I would keep them at arms length.

Im getting annoyed at her antics now. I hate to think she would tease me for fun...

By the same token, im not going to see her for 3 weeks and im ill at the thought and counting the days until I see her again....my stomach is in a knot:icon_sad:

---------- Post added 20th Sep 2014 at 07:33 AM ----------

Ok ladies, if you knew someone had a crush on you and you were not interested would you continue to flirt and talk about going away together?

I honestly do believe my crush is not interested and also that she is aware of how I feel about her.

So why does she joke about us going on business trips together and what fun it would be. Is she playing me for a laugh, cos im certainly not laughing. I really do think she knows how I feel but she doesn't back off. She still leans against me when she can and stares at me until I melt. (and tease me about us going away together.) Why would she do that when she knows how I feel? ive tried to put myself in her position to think what I would do if I knew someone had a crush on me and it doesn't make sense. I would keep them at arms length.

Im getting annoyed at her antics now. I hate to think she would tease me for fun...

By the same token, im not going to see her for 3 weeks and im ill at the thought and counting the days until I see her again....my stomach is in a knot:icon_sad:

 

I am so happy I was directed to this thread. All of your experiences sound so similar to mine, and it's a relief because nobody really knows the extent of my interest in women. I was feeling so ridiculously like an over dramatic teenager before reading what you have all written.

"Trigger crush." Such an appropriate term. My story is this: I am 32, married with a 1 1/2 year old son. I married the man who was my best friend...so I knew I wasn't "in love" with him, but even though I love the thought of true love, I didn't think it existed. At least not for me.

I work at a university supervising work study students. There is one girl there who I immediately connected with when she came to school. We just kind of hit it off, but only really ever communicated at work. I've always been interested in women visually, but have never considered the possibility that I might want to be with another woman. I am from a super conservative small town, and I've just never met a girl who I was attracted to enough that it would make me think twice.

My husband and I have been distant for a while, probably ever sense I realized maybe I was spending too much time looking at and talking to this girl. And I thought she might have a little crush on me, and thought it was sweet. One random day, she asked to borrow my chapstick. She stood in front of my desk and I swear to you my mouth dropped open and I did not move my eyes from her lips. It felt like it took hours for her to do it. Looking back, really, I'm sure she knew. But oh my word, that was the moment I knew I was in trouble.

The next time I saw her she tried to shake my hand. I refused to touch her, lol.

Right before the semester ended, I was exchanging contact information with some graduating students and she copied down my info. I told her it probably wouldnt be a good idea to cross the staff/student line, but she didn't listen, and I let her do it.

Over the summer, I guess 5 months ago now, she texted me the first time. After a few short, amusing conversations she told me that she liked me. That she had for a year and a half. And how she knew my life would have to change drastically for me to feel the same way, but she thought I should know - even though we are both otherwise involved.

I admitted the feelings were mutual and we spent the next four months making plans that didn't pan out, talking on the phone for up to 4 hours at a time. Texting constantly. Falling in love, I guess. The connection is unbelievable. Whenever I think of her I get butterflies. I'll be thinking about her and she'll call or text me in that instant, or we'll both text the same thing to each other at the same time. I guess we both feel like our souls are connected and intertwined. We've tried walking away, or to stop talking, but it's impossible, we always end up right back where we were. We just can't not communicate.

I told my husband right away. When I realized that this wasn't some passing thought, I told him I had fallen in love with someone else. And that it was a girl. He said something along the lines of "I should have seen this coming" but is unwilling to let me go. It's increasingly frustrating for him, because the last time I tried to let him be physical with me I broke down sobbing. I haven't been able to let him touch me since, but he thinks that things between me and the girl are over. And it's frustrating for me because I feel like I can't really be free.

She came back to school a few weeks ago. She came over, and I was thinking we would just see each other and it wouldn't be real. Maybe the connection was just because we wanted to hear those words, but in person it would be awkward and fade away. And it was awkward...for about 5 minutes. We spent the next few hours just kissing and holding one another. And the energy is real too. When we look at each other it's electric. The other day I was with my husband and son at the grocery store and I felt this rush of energy from behind me. I turned around and she was just walking in the door. I almost had a heart attack.

I see that some of you are holding back because of your families, or because you're not sure how your crush feels, or how you feel...

I decided early on that I was not going to hold back. I can't feel this way and not do something about it. She and I are the only ones who know that this is happening. But last weekend, after talking for 4 months and spending just a couple of hours face to face cuddling -- We went away for the weekend together.

I was again convinced that spending 48 hours in the company of someone that I barely know would be awkward. That when it came right down to it, maybe I wasn't really ready to go there.

It was beautiful. Perfect. She was perfect. We were that couple that you look at and wish you were part of. We held hands, and leaned into one another, and just walked and talked and stayed in bed all day. She thought I'd be shy about being with a girl in public, but Ive never felt happier in my life. And I would say clearly that she made things happen that have never happened before, physically, emotionally... Just everything.

So now we're back in our normal lives. And she's with her girlfriend, and I'm still trying to convince my husband to let me go. I just feel like I don't know where to go from here. Is it just her? Or is it women?

Sorry for being so long winded, I guess once I started being honest and sharing, everything just kind of seemed important and flooded out :icon_redf

 

Good luck, Snever2late! I hope your husband is able to come to terms with your desire for a different relationship. It doesn't sound like you are interested in remaining in your marriage. How did he feel about you going away for the weekend?

Has your "trigger crush" told her girlfriend?

 

Thank you bi2me. I hope so too. He doesn't know that I went with anyone, and she has not told her girlfriend. Clearly, despite being on kind of a love-high at the moment, we both have things to deal with. I have asked my husband to move out, so we are navigating that situation at the moment. My ?crush? has not told her girlfriend, and appears to be confused about what to do at the moment. Like she talks about our kids, and names them, and talks about where we are going to move to and all kinds of future things. At the same time, she worried about the karma involved in breaking up with one person for another - she's been talking about breaking up with her ever since I met her, not just since we've been talking. It's early days yet, and I guess for the time being I'm okay with exploring these feelings and just enjoying being all drunk in love with her. Eventually I know it won't be enough, and I guess we'll see what comes of it then, but I'm thinking long term so I can be a little patient.

 

I TOTALLY get what you're saying here! I feel quite different from before. Almost joyful? I think my sister might be wondering what's up with me. I've "advertised" to my family that I'm looking to develop my social life. Seems to have fooled them. ;}

Besides being more interested in people, I also have a new found interest in my personal grooming. Not to say I was anything other than clean and neat before but have taken a increased interest in keeping my skin, all over, nice and soft, for example. Small things.

 

I love when this thread picks up again!
stella: I feel for you It's so difficult to feel this way and then to feel like you are being teased. It does sound like she is interested and doesn't want to be direct about it, maybe trying to give you hints. Be patient

Snever2late: I posted on your thread but for convenience, I'll paste it here:
There is no point in thinking what if you'd known earlier or what you missed out on because you can't change it, just look towards the future.
And I know how you feel!! To fall in love with someone that way is unbelievable and feels so good and right. Go with it, it's what I'm doing and I have never been this happy. I was actually thinking today how I'm happy that I have never fallen in love before, and happy that the person I do love now is my first, I feel like I"ve been waiting and looking for her and finally found her. Anyways, that's me. My advice is embrace it, go for it and forget about what you missed out on because what's important is what you have right now

And just so you know, she also has 2 young children who without ever meeting them I am completely willing to accept because they are a part of her. Try not to overthink too much, life has a way of working itself out. I came out of a straight marriage because at 37 I realized I was gay and I have kids and it all began with an intense crush. I felt lost and confused and didn't know what to expect but what I found was more than I could ever have hoped for. We're friends at the moment, but she knows I love her. She is someone who needs time to process and to get to my level and I will wait for her to do that She's the one I want. When I first came out I used to think of all the possibilities and missed opportunities, etc., a whole new world. Now I don't care about any other possibilites or missed opportunities because there is only one person I want, and she is worth waiting for. Maybe this woman you love will work out and I hope for you it does, and if it doesn't, you will find what you are looking for, it does happen. Pay attention to others and pay attention and listen to yourself. Now that you know how you can feel about a woman, you won't forget that feeling.
My only advice is be careful. She has a girlfriend and even if she's thinking about leaving there is no guarantee. But I do hope it works out!

Really: yay, you joined the conversation! Thanks for all the referrals I know what you mean with personal grooming! It's not that I didn't do that before, but I pay much more attention to the small details. Even my diet has improved and I find this new interest in personal grooming makes me feel even better about myself and happier.

 

I love this thread too! I almost feel like it is a lifeline!
Snever2late It is wonderful that you have discovered what it feels like to be in love! Isn't it amazing when you realize what intense emotions you are capable of feeling? We are all here for you as your journey continues and hope we can be support for you.
Really--I have actually started dressing up for work and interested in clothes. I have never been all that interested in what I looked like. Whatever I had to do to get by…
someone at work actually asked me if I was having an affair! hahaha I want to tell the world, shout it from the rooftops and it takes every bit of sense I have left, to stop me from doing that! I live in the super conservative South and it would not help my career! So glad I can be me on EC!
Love you guys! xoxox

 

Thanks HTBO for "including" me. I don't feel qualified to contribute much as I don't have a husband vs. crush situation (or even a crush on its own) but once in a while someone writes something and it's like, "Exactly!" Just one more thing that makes me think I'm not imagining this.

Further to the self improvement kick stuff (which I previously only gave a passing nod to), I've also upped my working out with more running, stomach crunches and pushups so when those last few kilos come off, there's going to be a pretty badass set of abs waiting. Well… that's the plan, anyway.

Haha. That's funny about the affair question. When I used to dress up for work, people were all over that with "Do you have a job interview?". I probably did. I wish I had been doing it for your reason instead, though.

 

Ladies, ladies, ladies... Having been directed to this thread from my own (You've probably heard all this before...), it's taken me a week to read it all! (I have to grab time here on EC when my husband is not around.) Thank you to those who directed me to it. It’s like a real life soap opera and I can’t wait to read all the updates with everybody! I have wanted to make comments about lots of the events I've read about along the way, but of course, they are all long in the past for those of you involved!

To introduce myself, I'm married with children, like many of you. I first met my trigger crush at work 2 years ago. I didn't know she was gay at the time, but I remember feeling completely drawn to her. I didn't see her again until last month when she came to our office for the day. I engineered it so I could work along side her and I was absolutely smitten. We had lunch together and were talking about relationships etc. and she told me she was gay.

Since then, I have not been able to stop thinking about her. I am obsessed. She is single at the moment and we have had coffee a couple of times and are going out for dinner next week. I think she is attracted to me and I know I'm entering into dangerous territory by seeing her because if we stop playing at being just friends, and actually tell each other how we feel (if my crush is not unrequited), things will change. I feel I will have to keep her secret because my husband is my best friend and although our marriage has it's problems which has resulted in no physical intimacy for some time, I don’t want to hurt him. I am aware of the very selfish nature of this sort of secrecy, not only because of my husband, in that I would be cheating, but for her too, because if there is something between us (and I’m not just imagining things!) then I wouldn’t be able to have an ‘out’ relationship with her – even though I would love to.

I’ve never cheated before in a relationship but if an opportunity for a kiss presented itself, I just don’t think I would be able to resist because I have thought about kissing her since I met up with her again. I have never kissed a woman before and although I have quite fancied doing this ever since I can remember, the thought of going all the way with a woman is something I find quite difficult.

I hope I’m in the right place here, because although like many of you, I am only having these strong feelings for the first time in my early 40’s, but unlike all of your stories, I have had good relationships and an enjoyable active sex life with them in the past. It’s only when problems arise with men during the relationships, that my sex drive with them bottoms out. This seems to be how my ‘guard’ works.

Is it possible to become gay because you’ve become so disillusioned with men and because they’ve let you down time after time in your life? I don’t even know if I am becoming (?) gay or if it’s just this woman who has me so captivated. What I do know is that even before I met her again last month, I was saying to myself if my marriage did fail, I wouldn’t get married again. When I turned 40 last year, something happened in me. I gained a self-confidence that I’ve never had before. I finally realised who I was (or so I thought!!) and that I am quite good on my own! I have definitely become set in my ways and for the first time, I realised that I didn’t need to be married to be secure/have security in my life.

I just don’t know what’s going on with me at the moment, apart from the fact that I can’t think about anything else other than this woman right now. I find myself distracted at work and home, counting the days till I see her next and constantly checking to see if she’s messaged me. The description of feeling like a teenager that many of you describe is exactly what I’m going through. It’s ridiculous!

PS I also have been making sure I look my best whenever I know I'm going to see her - painting my nails, proper eye make-up (rather than just a quick eyeliner I usually go out with!!) along with the rest of my make-up and wearing my nicest work outfits.

PPS Just previewed this post before submitting and I apologise for the length of it!

 

Hi JB1973, welcome to our world!

OMG, So many of your comments could be mine - I am obsessed- if an opportunity for a kiss presented itself - counting the days until I see her next - I find myself distracted at work and home - I cant think of anything else other than this woman right now....you are me in another life. The work situation is really holding me back though. I have to be carefull.

I too have had a history of a good sex life with my husband in the early day and never had a thought of wanting to be with a woman at that point; I have also recently wondered if I found my trigger crush as a result of needing emotional connection to another person (and that person happened to be a woman) or because I can have the depth of connection I need at this stage in my life with a woman...however I can honestly say that over the past few years I have been aware of checking out females, and wondering...It really is as if my orientation has subtly been changing over the past few years and my trigger has opened the flood gates. Is it a coincidence that this has happened as the children have grown up and are not as dependant on their parents? (although they both still live at home.
Over the past year I have also beeen aware that I 'live' at home as if my husband is not there. That sounds wierd, but I realised I never ask him to do anything for me. Its almost as if I am practicing for being on my own without realising it.

And yes, I also have more confidence than ever. I feel as if im becoming the real me and I can stand on my own two feet. Ive challenged myself with the realisation
that I have taken a back seat in my marriage to keep the peace and now I am holding my own and. growing as a person. Realising I could love a woman has been an emotional rollercoaster but not one I ever considered I should fight/ignore. This experience has almost made me grow up (at 52!). By the same token, I have never felt more like a teenager who has a whole life yet to live!

Sorry about the heavy psychology stuff on a sunday, but I do find this whole situation fascinating and, as my ladies here know, I like to analyse things to the nth degree....

Whew, im done. Wish we could all discuss this in person, that would be a good one.

 

Something that I have found about myself that if you can relate it may help to consider this. I am a mature woman, that has been married for decades. I have managed to successfully raise 3 children, maintain a professional career and should have enough life experience to navigate through just about anything that presents itself in my life. However when I fell in love with a woman for the first time I was so naive and vulnerable that I ended up getting myself so hurt that it almost destroyed me. I managed to get through this somehow. Looking back I realize that my inexperience with actual romantic relationships allowed me to let myself be blindly consumed and obsessed with this woman. Kind of the same way teenagers react to their first love! I have so much to learn but I hope I can move forward and be more enlightened in the future. This was my trigger crush and had I known about EC when it began a few years ago I believe I would have been somewhat more rational. I too thought at first that it was only this woman that I was attracted to but after I realized I was gay, I started to appreciate other women. I know that everyone that is in their first crush thinks that this is the ONE and it may be... but for those of us that have survived the first I think we realize it is not the last.

(about the past)….the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it.
From "The Lion King"

 

Sorry about all the missing punctuation! My husband was coming into the room and I was trying to hurry…:icon_wink

 

This really hit home with me. I was the same way. All crazy in love and naive. I am proud to say ladies that I have made it past all the intense feelings for my crush. I was able to have a very adult conversation with her without thinking about us together.
I am concentrating on trying to get myself together and how to tell my husband. We have had alot of serious life changes around here. School starting, he got a new job with crazy hours and I started working different hours. But with all that I hardly see him. It has made me realize that I would be very happy alone with my kids. Just living our lives.
Anyway...just mostly wanted to check in and let those on this thread know that I feel victorious. I feel I have let her go. I still think about her now and again. But it isnt as intense and it is with hope that she is happy in the choice she made.
Take care and good luck all you wonderful ladies.