This has NEVER happened before..

Thanks again for the sound advice, HTBO . What I meant, not very clearly, was if we split and I wasn't seeing anyone, then say six months after the split I met someone, then I tell him. Thanks for the heads up on him telling people, I hadn't thought much about that. Your advice is so good - thank you . I'm definitely not ready to come out yet, think I need to do some preparation, like you say. I just hope while I'm doing it I can keep my feelings in check .

Based on what you said about your ex being upset that you'd waited to tell him, do you think if you could go back, you would've told him when you first started to realise? Just thinking about whether this is something I should consider.

And that must be so exciting volunteering at pride, I bet you have a fab weekend

 

You know your husband best so if you think he would handle the news well after you had split and began seeing someone then it would work. On the other hand, doing it that way may make it worse. He may see the entire separation and then your coming out as a big 'scheme'. I say that because I know that's what my ex would have said but he can be a little paranoid sometimes. Personally, I think when you do separate, and it sounds like you do plan on doing that sometime in the future, I would be honest then. If you had not been aware until after you separated that would be different, but knowing you're gay and not telling him may make it more difficult for you in the long term. You will have this information when you split and after as you try to decide how to proceed, etc. Of course, you know your situation better than anyone, I'm thinking about how I would have felt if I'd done it that way and I don't think I would have coped very well. My ex was actually very relieved once I told him, well, after a few days of processing. He had always thought there was something wrong with him or that he wasn't good enough and that was why I was never emotionally close to him and why I avoided him as much as possible. It was good in a way for his self-esteem whereas being married to me and not knowing I was gay wasn't. I don't know if that makes sense?
No, I never would have told him in the beginning. I remember when I first thought there was even a possibility I was not straight and how confusing and scary that time was, and then coming to realize that I was gay and learning to accept it enough so that I could come out. It was a very personal, confusing and stressful journey and there is no way I would have told him. One of the reasons is that he did tell people, his mother one of those people and he told her the same night I told him. Then after we talked to the kids about it, he pressured me into telling my parents because now he and the kids were lying to them (even though they didn't actually talk to them). If I had told him early, I have no doubt the same things would have happened and I would have been forced out at a time I was not ready to be, or even 100% sure that I was gay. This is one of the reasons I say to make sure you are prepared for anything.

 

My inlaws are the people I am most afraid to have know about all this. I love and respect them. It is going to be hardest on my father in law. Him and I have become friends and we talk pretty regularly. I actually talk to my husbands parents more than he does. So I feel I need to be the one to tell them.
When all this started I had told my husband I was attracted to my new friend and needed to understand why this was happening. At first he seemed ok and wanted to let me figure it out. But then one day he told me he couldn't stand the thought of me being with someone else and considered killing himself. So I have pushed back all these feelings. I even told him I wanted to stay and fix us. I felt we were worth fixing. And told him so, his response was that he wasn't so sure. And things have been weird and sad ever since. We I try to talk about our problems he just shuts down and won't talk to me. I have wanted to tell him so many times but I don't know how to tell a depressed possibly suicidal man. He tried counseling but only a few sessions. He is on antidepressants. There are so many things wrong right now and I don't know if me being gay is making it worse since I am not telling him. I just don't know how to proceed. My mother feels he is faking the suicidal thing to get me to stay. Maybe I don't know. It is all so scary.

 

That is a difficult situation to feel like someone else's life lies with you. I don't know your husband, but what he's doing is manipulative and controlling. Have you done counseling on your own to learn how to cope with your situation? Does he have a history of depression? This may sound cold but it's not your responsibility to make him happy. If he needs you to be happy and is potentially suicidal if you leave then there is much more going on with him. You need to live you life for you and not feel responsible for his thoughts and actions. Only he can be responsible for those.

 

I am in search of counseling right now. I have just recently become aware of his manipulative behavior. He is always talking about how he needs me, to the point of being angry at our children for taking my time. He is so absorbed in me that he doesn't even realize how wonderful our children are.
Thanks for the advice. I need to get help. And I need to hear strong words sometimes. You have been my light through some of this. I always look for your posts. You have a way of speaking that makes me want to be better but do what is best also. Thank you so much for being there for so many of us.

 

I know that experiance. I am living that! I am a substitute teacher and I had a teacher invite me out! It was me her roomate and her! It was fun! We had dinner! Well when we were done this teacher hugged me and I felt like I never wanted to let go! I had suspicions she was gay, but didn't get the courage to ask! A month later she invited me out to dinner just me and her! She confided in me that she is Gay! She is going through stuff and just wanted to hang out! Well by the end of the evening we had done what I didn't know was possible! It was after my experiance with her that I knew I was gay! A man will never do for me what she did and I never want to just go through the motions again! But where does that leave me now? Well I am finally finding myself! I can go into the world knowing who I am and feel good about it! I know what sexual attraction is now!!!!! It's still hard to know how to move forward but I now have the confidence and drive I need to do so! I hope the same for u!

 

DancingGirl, thank you, what you said means a lot to me

burninggold, it's good you've had such a positive experience. We all seem to be in different stages here and hopefully we will all have a good story to tell in the end like yours! It is great knowing who you are and feeling good about it. I feel the same way. Most days i haven't a clue what I'm doing or should be doing but I guess it's part of the experience.

 

You found someone you deeply like, yay for you. Happy dance time, buddy!! Best of luck

 

You're totally right, after thinking on this a bit I plan to tell him when the separation time comes, which will hopefully be at the same time that I am fully ready to come out. It must've been awful for you to be pressured to tell others when you weren't ready, so I will definitely take that on board. Thanks again for your many words of wisdom, HTBO

---------- Post added 10th Aug 2014 at 10:58 PM ----------

I will find it very hard telling in laws too, they do so much for me and the kids and I wouldn't want their relationship with the kids to be damaged in any way. I doubt I will come out unscathed!

You're obviously having g a really tough time and your husband is emotionally blackmailing you, but even so it must be very hard on you on top of what you're already processing. It doesn't seem like he's trying to improve things in your relationship, maybe he knows deep down it's already over? If it were me, I would just call his bluff on the emotional blackmail, which I know is really tough since you don't definitely know whether he's going to do anything. I just couldn't be controlled like that and I feel at the end of the day, I'm not responsible for another adult's decisions. I hope that doesn't come across really cold hearted but when my parents split up, my dad tried all that on my mum, had a knife saying he was gonna kill himself. She called his bluff at least a couple of times.

Hope you can work through all of this, just remember we are all here for support. Big hugs x

---------- Post added 10th Aug 2014 at 11:04 PM ----------

Wow, thanks for sharing

 

Burninggold, You don't say whether you had any previous suspicions about your sexual identity before this teacher. Did you feel comfortable being intimate for the first time with a woman? Was there any hesitation on your part? I am so worried about that since the opportunity hasn't presented but I feel it will…... if I would stop being so concerned about my first time and pulling back. I recently realized I have never been in love before and this is different! I want it to be right. Any advice?
I have been married and sexually active ( I said active, not satisfied ) for decades but I feel like a teenager again.

 

Neither of us are in relationships-which is good.
I'm definitely going to flirt with her once school gets back
I feel really guilty now about liking her. I just... feel like now I'm a liar, and everything I've believed about myself- everything I've let other people believe about me- is stained by this
and I hate the desire for her, the craving...it's really intense and horrible:
I want to get inside her head and figure her out. I want to make her laugh. I think all the time about kissing her and what that would be like. I want to hold her and be held by her and comfort her, protect her. I want to be the one person she can come to for anything and everything; she lights me up; that's the only way I can describe it
But I love the way she makes me feel too. (I totally agree with the music thing, by the way.) any advice on how to reign the desire in or control it somehow? does anyone else feel like this?

 

Yes, I feel like that every single day, and unfortunately no I have no idea how to control these feelings. I tried to control it, but decided not to. I decided to speak to one of my friends about how I feel and she said I should embrace it. I'm a little hesitant since my friend (the one I have feelings for) is all I can think about lately. But I was told even though feeling like this is scary, it's also wonderful. And I think she said something about welcome to the real world?? Yes, this is apparently what heterosexual people also feel (answer to an earlier question ). It is intense, but it's not horrible. It feels that way somedays, but think of how truly amazing it is to feel this way about another person, to want to put someone else's interests ahead of your own, to want to know everything there is to know about that person. It's not a bad thing I don't think. What's difficult is being so focused on them you can't think about anything else! Try and put your focus somewhere else so it's not as distracting thinking about her, and let yourself feel Don't feel guilty about liking her, there is nothing wrong with feeling this way.

---------- Post added 11th Aug 2014 at 07:30 AM ----------

By the way, it's felt so good to talk to someone about this and how I feel for my friend. I spoke with someone I completely trust, and she is a really good friend (who I don't have a crush on! ) I don't want everyone to know about it because then they will be asking me about her and want updates, etc. For now, it's between me and my crush, and now another friend. She said when I'm having a 'breakdown' i can send her a message and she'll give me all her attention Which is great because even though the friend I have a crush on knows how I feel and is absolutely amazing, it's sometimes easier to talk about her with someone that isn't her So, if there is someone you ladies know in your real worlds that you trust and are close to it may be worth talking to them about your crushes.

 

thanks so much for the help.
It's not like I obsess over her or anything- I'm very busy with school and life and stuff- but I do have trouble with both letting myself feel AND controlling my emotions.
I'll talk later, since I have to go. Thanks again.

 

Realize that this primarily a lesbian thread but boy this very close to what I experienced as I became aware of my homosexuality. Love the term "trigger crush" it is very much the proper term! I was divorced and dating my GF when at party I met my "TC". Up to that point hadn't really even concerned an attraction to men. Boy did that change. My crush was a more " typical" gay man and that is why I found the attraction so strange. Over the next few weeks I found every reason to be around him and get to know him socially. I felt like a teenager and couldn't really explain the huge attraction at that time. To make a long story short, we connected and from the first time I knew that this was what I wanted.From the first tentative kiss to our first lovemaking was beyond description for me.I had never felt that way about any woman I had ever been with. It was a stunning surprise to me. Within a short period after connecting I told my GF and broke up with her. She was crushed and I felt horrible but I knew our relationship was over. Just could pretend. My crush became my BF and for the first time I can truly say I was satisfied completely emotionally and sexually. It was the beginning of my transition to an openly gay man.
There are many words of wisdom in this thread from some awesome women, two that really hits home are being honest with your wife/husband/gf/bf if you feel your sexual orientation and interest shifting. It is the only honorable thing to do to help mitigate what certainly will be painful. While we might feel liberated our former partners will be devastated, we owe them honesty. In addition one comment said that her crush liberated her sexuality and she could never be straight again; I know the feeling, my crush opened the door to my true sexuality. I have no interest in and know I could not physically be heterosexual again. I don't miss anything about it, but wish I could have spared other people pain. Excellent thread.

 

When I said that my craving for her was horrible, I meant in the sense that nobody knows how strong my feelings are. Yeah, I've told a few people that I like her, but never to the extent that I told you guys- and she has no idea either; she said she would call, but she hasn't, and I don't have her number. I have no way to connect with her and validate my feelings, OR act on them and she looks at me like a friend. How, besides flirting, can I change that? I'm already jealous of her possible boyfriend, and I don't know if I'd be able to handle them getting together once school starts. I don't want to ruin our friendship, but it feels like we're barely friends; how can I be a good friend to her without betraying myself?

 

Just be careful! You ask how can you change that? You can't change someones sexual orientation. Just develop a true friendship and watch how it develops. If it is meant to be, time will take care of everything. In the meantime be a good and trusted friend without any hidden agendas. If she is straight, she really could be offended or uncomfortable by your feelings. Be patient it takes time and trust. If you realize that she will never return your romantic feelings... you will still have a friend.

 

She's bi, but I think she prefers guys more than girls... I don't know for sure though. The couple of times we've talked, it's been hard to be around her because I'm so aware of my feelings- I mean, she's not hard to be around except for the fact that she makes me really nervous and breathless; at the same time I feel like I can be real with her, which is weird.
How do I get her to open up to me? I already know that we're both former cutters, we both love Ed Sheeran... but that's about it. I'm in Honors and AP classes, really a very boring and quiet person- but she's quirky and friendly and fun; my total opposite, basically. I know she has family issues. So do I. I just can't stop wondering about her... I'm dying to know the real her.

 

getting someone to open up can be difficult. I wouldn't suggest focusing too much on negative aspects that you have in common, it's not necessarily bonding material. Try inviting her somewhere where it'll be only the two of you and take it from there. Hopefully the conversation will flow. Ask a lot of questions. I'm very shy and quiet until I'm comfortable around someone, and that's what I do, ask questions because first of all you are showing interest, and she will be doing most of the talking in answering them, and you have a little control over the conversation so that it can stay in a comfort zone for you. Just don't ask yes or no questions, that can make it awkward.

 

So... I've been feeling really guilty.
A few weeks ago, I drank- not enough to get smashed, but very buzzed- and I looked at lesbian porn. As disgusting as it was- because it was porn, not because of the details- it really, really turned me on.
So now I'm seriously considering becoming a Christian just so I won't feel so guilty and ashamed of that, and of how I feel about her.
Am I making the right decision?
Since that night, I've tried to avoid erotica/ masturbating, but I can't help it- girl-girl fantasies really turn me on-and...then I feel so disgusted and ashamed afterwards:'(
Please help me. I'm dying here. The guilt is killing me!:icon_sad:

 

Hi Ladies,
I feel like you are reading my mind. I came searching for people to show me that I wasn't alone in my feelings and I found this site and your messages...... Wow.... I want to join your club please

I have been married for 22 years. I have three teenage kids. I have felt unfulfilled in my marriage for a long time but I just figured that it was to be expected after being together for so long. I have felt that I am a sexual person but every time I was intimate with my husband I felt soooo yuck afterwards.... Dirty...bad. Just figured that was somewhat normal...
Last year I met a young woman online. We communicated by message originally. She has been going thru some hard times and I have been supporting her. We quickly became really close friends. I felt that there was something more but quickly dismissed it and me being happy that I was able to help her. Anyway my relationship with my husband deteriorated and we have separated 6 weeks ago. I finally told him that I wasn't in love with him anymore. He has done some things that have cemented the decision I've made and I'm happy that my life is moving in a different direction.
Anyway back to my trigger crush as you call it. Looking back I can identify an attraction to her even before we physically met. Sugarskull....reading you talk about that hug....OMG that was exactly what it felt like. She is amazing and beautiful and we have a connection that I've never felt with anyone before. She's single and has had bf before but always felt that's what she should do rather than wanting to be with them. Her experiences were all unfulfilling and she has been questioning her sexuality before I came along. We have been intimate and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. I never thought my body could feel like that. Neither of us want to come out at the moment and we both are struggling with the feelings that have been bought up. At this point I know that I love this woman and I want to be with her I just have no idea how or when it would be possible. When I'm with her the whole world just disappears and she make me feel like I can do anything.