This has NEVER happened before..

I pretty much agree with everything HTBO says. Since I am involved with my crush to a much greater degree than you right now I am realizing things about her. Things that are deal breakers. I really wouldn't want to be with her. But those things still haven't stopped the feelings. She is your crush. Nothing else right now. Mine broke my heart and I feel yours will do the same. If she is saying cool it . Cool it. Get yourself together. Decide what move you are making with your husband. Then meet someone else. There are others out there. I check this pretty often. I am always here if you need to talk.

 

I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents ....

I dont have the added complication of being in a relationship, but I can attest to the fact that the woman that I was initially attracted to has lost a lot of her luster as time has gone by. I've known her a year and the better I know her the less I can picture myself with her.

Idk, its kinda hard to explain. In some ways it doesnt really matter how I feel toward her, I'm just really happy that I know I am gay.

I'm probably somewhat different in that I'm not all that concerned about being in a relationship. If one happens to materialize I'm fine with it but its not something that I feel like I must have to be happy or fulfilled. Again I am just happy to begin the process of being honest with myself about who I am

 

Good. Keep it up. I really hope you two work it out. I wish my crush and I could have done that. At this point being friends isn't even an option. We got too involved too quickly and shared too much. So keep up the good work. I am happy to hear about this progress.

 

I keep making excuses for not taking time off work since December so that I can be with my crush. I try to convince myself that we wouldn't work but we get on so well I usually fail. We can work side by side for hours without a word said and its so comfortable, we finish each other sentences, we are so alike it scares me. But I don't want the mess of an affair and I don't want to hurt my husband like that. There have been a few occasions where she has mentioned in the conversation that she is not interested if a person is married, ( not referring to me, just general conversation). I don't know if that was a subtle message for my benefit or if I'm reading things where there's nothing. I really want to discuss my feelings with her even to acknowledge nothing will come of them. Just to know she feels the same. Some days I accept she will not always be with me every day all day and try to prepare myself and I'm quite focused, other days I dread when that time comes and feel sick at the thought. Even if we keep in touch I still won't see her that much as she lives over an hours drive away. Its as if I need to wean myself off her. Its an addiction. I'm an addict. I still do all I can to be with her.

 

Stella99- you, Sugarskull and myself sound like we need to start a "how to live without my crush" group. We have similar experiences. We all work with our crush. I am so glad we have each other. My crush always kinda made me feel like I wasn't really gay because I hadn't know since I was 10. I feel weird even calling her my crush. I wasnt crushing on her I was in love with her. Kinda still am. Whats bad is she still is with me too. We told each other that over a year ago and admitted we still felt that way a couple of months ago. We dont even really have any contact anymore. I can see her but dont interact as much. What a mess we are. Ladies we must stand strong. We are grown women. We can control ourselves. Yep that sounds strong but inside I sigh and say but once I see her that strength fades to mush and my heart melts.

Sorry kinda got lost in that. Just wanted to say I feel ya:icon_wink

 

You are right dancingirl, we need to be strong. And some days I do feel stronger than others. There was even a flash of anger one day that she makes me feel like this. Although, what you sugarskull and HTBO need is a ' how to survive with your crush' group, I'm going to need a how to survive without your crush group as I know mine will definitely be going eventually. From what you guys have said I think I might have it easier. When she goes in a few months it will either cure me or kill me. She will also gradually be with me fewer days per week so it really will be like getting weaned of her. I'm so lucky! Not.

She has shown me how my life is so devoid of emotion, and the strength of the emotional connection I can have with a female. Something I wasn't aware of until I met her. I don't know whether to be grateful or annoyed. Once she disappears I'm left with this shell of a marriage and the revelation that I'm gay. Good job trigger crush. (Its OK, I know I should be grateful, she has opened my eyes to the kind of emotion I could and should be living with. I don't have a heart of stone, I'm just with the wrong gender.)

I've noticed that I am more acceptable to the idea of not ending up with her now. That's a big step forward for me. What happens when she's gone I really don't know.

But, for now, I still do everything I can to be with her and think of her constantly when we are apart......

 

Stella99- I guess in a way it should be how the survive without. I mean I can see mine but I can't be with her. Even if I end my marriage she will still be off limits. I understand sll the emotions uou are having. I cycle through many of them. Sometime all within one day. I just feel mine in particular should have had better control of herself. I feel she knew all along she was staying with her gf. That She though I would I would eventually say what am I doing with this girl I am straight and then walk away. So she just enjoyed the attention while it was there cuz she wasnt getting it in her current relationship. Oh well. I will just meet someone better when all this is done.

 

"Oh well. I will just meet someone better when all this is done."
You will.
Maybe just thinking a bit about the kind of relationship and woman you want would help you along the way.... not overfantasizing but just using it as markers so you can recognize it when it comes along... it usually comes along in different ways than expected anyways .

 

Thanks for the encouragement Jay777. I have met a few ladies recently who make me realize that maybe I would like someone like that a bit more. Less into sports more into art, music and poetry for example

 

You know I had thought there was something wrong with me when I began having my crush. It seemed unreal to have such feelings for someone I didn't even know that well. You guys helped normalize it.
It is easier when you're away and I know I tell myself to be strong in September when I go back to school, but secretly I'm hoping she broke up with her girlfriend over the summer. Ok, she's still a professor, that won't change, but it's not like I'm an undergrad student Am I rationalizing?? Too bad we didn't live close by ladies, then we could have 'crush' meetings.

 

Wow! I was thinking that same thing. We could start a coffee clutch but call it our crush clutch. I too feel the same way. I kept thinkung this wilk pass. Who "becomes" gay after 10 years of marriage? Even though I had a boss that did it. But I guess it was because he said he always knew. Well I didn't. It just didnt work that way for me. So glad to have met all the wonderfu people here who make me feel that what I am going through is ok.

 

I had the same feeling with my "trigger crush"; all of a sudden I realized what had been missing from all my past relationships and my life in general, how much I had been pretending, how much I craved an emotional connection but was looking for it in the wrong places. I had talked about marriage with my ex-bf assuming it was as good as it would ever get; but with her I discovered something more.

I never entertained the idea of being together because she was straight and she was a classmate, so I had to move on even as I saw her every day. Sometimes I still wish she were interested in me back.

Someday though I want to tell her what she meant to me, that she opened my eyes. Maybe I shouldn't, but I think she'd be flattered and I kindof want to see that smile on her face, even if she's not into me at all.

 

I wish we could meet up too. How good would it be to have a real conversation with each other.

DancingGirl, you ask who becomes gay after 10 years of marriage? Try 20 years! I'm following the theory of fluidity _ I never had any doubts about my orientation until a few years ago. Even now I'm thinking I must be Bi, not that I'm desperate to label myself. I feel what I feel when I feel it. I hope your crush didn't really mess you about on purpose. Thinking of that possibility, I'm almost glad mine is reserved.

HTBO yes you are rationalising. What happened to 'I know we would never work'. :icon_wink I am interested in how you get on in September when you see your trigger again. I almost hope it works out for you to prove that it is possible and that will give me hope that mine will work out too. After me saying yesterday I'm more accepting to the idea of us never getting together. A new symptom I'm having now is great jealousy when she talks about friends or when I know she is emailing work colleagues when we are together. It is rediculous. I guess just another aspect of the whole situation.

 

DancingGirl, crush clutch, love it! I understand the feeling of wondering how you can be gay after being married. How could I not have known?? The signs were so obvious, and I had even been asked before if I was. I thought those people were crazy!

Wanderinggirl, you are correct about looking for an emotional connection in the wrong places. When I think back to my childhood, I remember always having such a strong connection to females, regardless of their age. I always wanted to be close to them, and I would miss them if they left. I didn't understand it then and just assumed it was because we were both female. Never had that kind of connection with males, not even my husband. Now I love being around women, straight or not, they're all good Actually I feel for you having a crush on a straight girl. At least those of us with crushes on other gay women can still have 'hope' but with a straight girl, not as much.

Stella99, I know we would never work, but I may be willing to overlook that?? I heard a song that she had played in class once; the class was about gender conformity. She played a parody video of the song 'blurred lines'. And as the class was laughing at it, I was watching her and she had this smirk on her face, and she was so beautiful, I can see it clearly. So when I heard the song, it made me think of her. I've already begun to try and think of excuses to go see her. Will this torture ever end??

 

Oh dear HTBO, your my positive control for dealing with a crush and being restrained and sensible. What hope have I got if you succumb to your desires?? :icon_bigg I dont know why but I genuinely hope it works for you. September is not that far away.....

 

My crush was the first person to officially know. But we were already pretty involved at that time. And of course she said she didn't really think I was gay. And I was just thinking that because I was unhappy in my marriage. And enjoyed the attention i was getting from her. So I tried to explain that the summer before I met my husband I was questioning my sexuality but couldn't seem to meet any other lesbians or the ones I did meet kinda scared me because they were all depressed and heavily into drugs and alcohol. I had made out with acouple of girls at concerts when i was younger. I really enjoyed it. And one night a really good friend of mine who is a lesbian ran smack into each other in my kitchen. It led to an amazing kiss and an awkward moment. We never spoke of it until recently while pouring my heart out to her. So anyway when i met my husband and we seemed to click I gave up the thoughts of girls. It was just easier. When my crush finally excepted that I really did like girls and I started referring to myself as queer was when she decided things had gotten to much for her and she wanted things between us to end and work on her ever failing relationship. So I am here working on opening that closet door, thinking about a possible divorce and trying to get over a broken heart. Not where I thought I would be at 38.

Not really sure where I was going with this post. But I feel good knowing my friends HTBO, Sugarskull, Stella99 and wanderinggirl will understand how for the most part how this feel. Thanks for listening ladies.

 

Stella99, most days I am restrained and sensible, but there are some days I don't care I've had a few more of those lately. I know it's not possible, but to dream...
I received an email today that tomorrow there will be some teaching assistant postings, and the first thing I thought is I wonder if her class is one of them? Probably not, but I have until tomorrow to hope. It would be nice to work out, but I'm much more realistic now than i was 4 months ago.

sugarskull, my crush was the first person I came out to. Since I was so infatuated with her it was easy to tell her. Her reaction was wonderful. She said that's great and congratulations, except with that beautiful smile and she was very positive about it and told me how wonderful it is to be gay. And she told me I can come talk to her anytime if I have questions or just needed to talk which I did take that opportunity. I don't regret that she was the first person I told, and if I had to do it again, I would make the same choice. Remembering her face, smile, and reaction gave me the courage I need everytime I tell someone else.

 

HTBO, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I made my coming out to her sound terrible, it wasn't. It just wasn't what I had thought it would be. She had said alot of things that I wouldn't have expected from a gay person. I thought I would receive more support. My best friend was the second person. Much more supportive. She never questioned it and said she always thought I would end up with a woman some day. I am actually here by her suggestion since she is straight she could only help so much. She is very glad I have found you all. (&&&)