This has NEVER happened before..

You can do nothing else now but embrace it. I was in the same boat as you once upon a time (more like last year...but anyways.) It was my first day of university and I took a seat in one of my lectures and this guy took a seat in the row in front of me. My life would never be the same again.

You should have seen him -- he was downright gorgeous. And this was back when I thought I was straight so this was obviously a complete shock to my system. He ended up being in most of my lectures for the entire semester but we only spoke once. It was during a lab when he asked me if he could compare his answer with mine (as I happened to be sitting the closest to him that particular day) and I literally sat there without breathing for a good minute. And just like you, my face got hot and I couldn't think straight at all (no pun intended :lol.

I give him credit for making me realize I was undeniably gay all along. Of course, he will never know that. :icon_bigg

 

I understand what you mean. But you are doing great, continue to be strong. When I look back, I am grateful that nothing happened. I would have had to tell my husband not only that I was gay, but that I also had an affair. If the first piece of news didn't destroy him, the second would have. It's not how I wanted my coming out to be remembered, and I know I would have went for it if I had the chance without considering my husband at all. It wasn't my strength that saved me but lack of opportunity. It can be very overwhelming, I remember too well.

 

Hi sugarskull,
As HTBO said, I am in the same predicament as you although a bit further down the line. I have been working with my trigger crush for 6 months and its taken over my life. I have been married for 20 years (to a guy) and falling for this female has knocked me for six and turned my world upside down. Reading your posts I am instantly jealous that you have both acknowledged there is something there. I haven't done that with my crush and its the one thing I want to do. I dont want an affair but yes, its so overwhelming, it would be hard not to if the opportunity arose. I try to lead with my head and not my heart and think how that would hurt my husband.

Even if nothing happens with my crush she will always get the credit for opening my eyes to the real me. I dont think there's any point in telling you to stop right now, its too late. Once youve had those feelings you can never erase them. I would say be carefull, pull back if you can. I have never felt such emotional pain in my whole life. It is actually physical pain some days as I miss her so much when we are apart. Thers also the issue of telling my husband/children, something I haven't had the courage to do yet.

Again, I am so jealous you can talk about it with her. Hopefully between the two of you you can actually plan a way forward together with sensible heads on. Bear in mind this way forward may result in you two not being together. I try to focus on what my crush has revealed to me and not the fact that she will be the love of my life and we will live happily ever after. Not because I dont want that but because my head tells me that may never happen so there is no point fixating on that idea. My heart on the other hand would run away with her tomorrow...and there are days when my heart rules my head. Those are the bad days, basically if I am not with her my gut is in a knot.

Try to be strong and think with your head not your heart. You will still have to deal with where you personally go with these new feelings but you may save yourself months or years of heartache.

You will get a lot of support on here. Good luckand be strong.

 

I am even farther then you. My trigger and I are now fighting our feelings for each other. While having to work side by side. She ultimately made the decision we should move on from each other. She is staying with her gf and I am trying to figure out how to tell my husband and family that I am now queer after 11 yrs of marriage. I get angry with her cuz I feel she brought out these feelings and now doesn't want to fight the fight with me. But most of the time understand that we shouldn't start this way and I need to find my place first.
After what I have gone through I recommend getting to all going through this to get your current life in order before starting to really explore any feelings for this other person in your life. It hurts if you share it all with them and then they get scared and walk away. I am not saying don't explore your sexuality. Just consider it without your trigger. Good luck to all. We have each other now and I have made so much progree with everyone wonderful word to help me along.

 

That's a good indicator that you are gay. I mean, even if the person that I hug is a straight guy friend, I don't go bonkers for them or in the way that you described. If I like the guy deep down, I will go crazy instead, similar to how you put it. Are there events in your past that you link together, kind of like filling in a jigsaw puzzle with pieces? Weird events that now you realize why they occurred?

 

Dancing girl we are in the same boat in that we have yet to come out to our husbands. I have tried to think things like, what if I hadnt been told my crush is a lesbian? Would it make a difference if I knew for a fact she has a gf? What if I had never met her, would I have carried on in questioning mode for the rest of my life? I dont have all the answers and sometimes my brain hurts trying to think it all through so I just try to stop thinking. I would hope (?naively)that myself and my crush could be level headed when we get to discuss anything. I've had long enough to come to terms with my feelings and see the bigger picture. At the moment she is in blissfull ignorance,. I think........

There have been moments when I thought if I had known she was straight I wouldn't feel the way I do about her. I would still want her as a friend, but a straight friend. She is the first lesbian (that I have been aware of) I have had such close contact with in my entire life; maybe that has something to do with me getting this far in life and not realising I should be with a woman. Does that sound silly? She does act differently towards me than other colleagues, much more in my personal space and an awful lot of eye contact for no apparent reason and leaning agianst me....

Your situation sounds very difficult and I can understand how you can be angry. That outcome does make me think twice about opening up to her. Maybe it would be best if she doesnt ever know, although how difficult that would be if we remain friends I dont know.

Are you two still friends?

 

I don't think it would have made a difference if my trigger crush was straight or lesbian. It just gave me hope knowing that she was. And I have a good friend that's a lesbian, yet never felt this way towards her, even though she used to flirt with me all the time when we were younger. I think it's finding that person that you feel a connection with that makes the difference. We have been used to relationships with men and even though we thought we had a connection with them, it's not the same as with women, but we didn't know this until it happened...that's my theory

 

that's adorable :icon_bigg i can't remember the last time someone made me feel that way, but it is really an amazing feeling

 

This is a perfect description of my feelings too. I have a lesbian friend who tried many times to "get with me" for lack of a better term. Her advances never took for me. I always had an odd fascination with lesbians but never really thought much of it. But with my tigger girl it was instant. I wanted to be around her constantly. It was never enough. It was confusing and wonderful. Scary and exciting. I had never had so many feelings. Amazing. Now that we are trying to move on from each other I am noticing other ladies and enjoying them more and more. Everything about them. After I finally come out to my husband I hope to meet someone who again who makes me feel as wonderful as she did.

 

We still talk. But only because we work together. We have been trying to put distance between us since Oct. We used to text alot before that. We had tried ending things between us several times, each time we add more "rules". Things we can't do. Neither of us are very happy in our current relationships, so her more than me worries that this is what makes us want to run to the other. I was unhappy before I met her. My husband isnt the most present man in mine and our kids' lives. She didnt know she was unhappy until she met me. So it has been a complicated road.
I just want to share this part of my journey with other later on lifers. I am hoping those of you just beginning something like this will do so more cautiously and be smarter than me. Step back for a minute. Make sure you dont over step bounderies like I did. It doesn't do you any good. I am walking away from her feeling betrayed but also mad at myself for blurring the lines of my marriage. Not cool. He is going to be hurt enough when I have to tell him I am a lesbian. So really stop and think about the commitment you made and tell him first before exploring this wonderful new world.

Remember this quote:
The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I have promises to keep

Good luck.

 

Hi there- been reading the thread but not had a chance to write anything! Anyway, just wanted to say hang in there guys, I don't envy how difficult it is having strong feelings like this only to be attached.

I can relate to the trigger crush thing - the loudest one was on my 30th birthday when I was very powerfully attracted to this charming woman I happened to meet on my birthday. I just remember her stroking my back in the bar and feeling intense lightning shocks as a result. It was then I thought "enough is enough, I can't ignore feelings towards women anymore". Unfortunately nothing came of it, but it was bit of an enlightenment and clarification to what I had been thinking around that time.

 

Have to agree the emotional connection is overwhelming and outwith our control. It is on a different level. Thats not something that can be forced or imagined.

 

This reminds me of of something that happened yeeeears ago. I used to work with a woman with whom I was friendly. We did totally separate functions in our department but when we had time, which was quite often if I remember correctly, we would take walks on our lunch hour. We were just easygoing work friends and she was older than me and recounted stories about her husband and adult son (20-ish) which I was perfectly happy to listen to. Anyway, one evening we went to the theatre together and after the show, as we were crossing the street to the parking, she put her hand on my back to guide me through the traffic. KAPPOW! What the H was that? Never having been a particularly touchy-feely person, this experience didn't compute for me. Needless to say, I was too clueless to even begin to put 2 and 2 together.

I guess I'm lucky that I was able to continue being her friend but it sure would have been nice to have figured this out sooner.

 

crazy and cruel is very accurate. It's painful and confusing, and frustrating. Sometimes I feel angry at society for imposing hetero-normative values and beliefs. If they weren't there then we would be free to follow our true selves when we first begin to recognize that we are not straight rather than repress and deny. Wouldn't it be wonderful to live in a world where we're considered as normal as heterosexuals and there wasn't a need for a closet? But we don't, and so we do live in closets and have to decide on whether to 'reveal' our sexuality and hurt the people we care about.
I know it's really difficult to pull back from the girl at work, but if you're still in a relationship, it's best to do it this way for now. It hurts a lot, I know too well. Even though I haven't seen my trigger crush since April and most days I think I'm good, there are still times I can picture her smiling or laughing, or talking, basically anything, and I remember how she makes me feel and I have to push her out of my mind. Not for the same reasons anymore since I'm out to my family and friends but she's someone who is 'forbidden'.

 

Maybe you should find something she does, some little tic or habit and convince yourself that it's disgusting. Might bring her down off the pedastal for you.

 

No, you're not crazy. We all do things just so we can be closer. I came up with so many ideas so I could be near mine. And it hurt to be so close, especially near the end of the winter semester. By this time we were getting closer, not in the way I would like, but she is a private person and doesn't talk a lot about herself, and she began to do this with me, yet, she had no idea about my crush on her. Even when she told me about her girlfriend I wasn't discouraged. I thought maybe they will break up. I was more concerned about her having a girlfriend than me being married with kids. It is very difficult to be rational in these situations, and I'm sure you as well as everyone else who as been in this situation knows, our crushes makes us very irrational and we behave in ways that are self-destructive. Try to change what you are thinking. I used to try and find something that I normally wouldn't like about her and focus on that. My crush is very moody and gets upset easily. Now, I did find that attractive because she looked adorable when she was in a bad mood, but in reality, it would have made me crazy and so I tried to remind myself that we wouldn't be compatible because she's too moody. In the end, that didn't work, and what did was I had to keep telling myself that it could never happen because I was married, and she was a prof, and she had a girlfriend, etc. It wasn't until I met another person who wanted to hear my coming out story that I began to let her go. When I told her about my trigger crush she said something about a crush being a crush and nothing more. They have a purpose, but are not meant to be acted on. I remembered thinking she was so wrong, that did not apply, however, the more I thought about it, the more I realized my crush and I would never work. She was the reason I realized I'm gay, and that was her purpose. It doesn't mean I'm completely over her, I do still think about her, but I also recognize her as a crush only. It's very difficult to distance yourself from her, but it's the only way you'll be able to move on and focus on your coming out process. You've obviously come out to yourself, but have you accepted it? There are many different emotions you'll experience (not all bad), but it can be an emotional time, and will require a lot of energy. As long as you focus primarily on her, you'll be stuck in this state, and trust me, the pain will not improve until you decide to remove yourself from the situation. Working together does make it much more difficult, but I'm sure you will find ways to deal with her.