I think I might have ruined things forever...my life is such a mess

Merry Christmas guys!

I told my other brother and my dad today, and neither of them reacted badly. My dad just hummed a bit and asked if I'm happy but other than that he didn't really say anything (I talked to mom about this and she thinks he's just a bit shocked). My brother was sort of pissed that I'd told both my mom and my other brother before he found out, lol. He asked me who I'm dating (he knows pretty much everyone I'm friends with) but I just told him I'm not ready to tell him that yet. He did ask me if I've known I'm gay for a long time and I told him I still don't know if I'm gay, which he had troubles understanding (since I can't say I'm bisexual, either). I told him labels don't really matter right now, and he agreed and apologized for being pushy.

I'm so glad I decided to tell them and I'm so relieved now that I've seen their reactions. I can't wait to tell Martin this since I hope it will calm him down a bit.

Thanks, WhiteShadows, this is actually a brilliant response! I was thinking of saying something along those lines too, so I think I'm going to go with that.

NoClue:
I feel awful even though it's not really my fault. I hope he won't get too angry :/

bingostring:
aaaaaaaaw

 

Hi guys! I'm back now (no internet for a week sucks!) and while I don't really have any updates, I'll see him tomorrow!

 

Aquaman

Aaaw, thanks! I'm so lucky to have him. And he is amazing. He really is.

I've thought a lot about what you said and I realize lots of what you said is true. I feel like an asshole now. I tried my best not to force him into doing things he wasn't ready for and yet it seems like I failed that, massively. In a way, I think I should have included him in decision when I decided when to come out to my family, but at the same time it is MY family and basically all I told them was that I was in love with a guy; I barely even mentioned my boyfriend (and definitely not by name). I sort of think that that should be my decision (and mine alone) to make. But I get what you're saying; me coming out to my family appears to have been a massive thing for him and I think he may have gotten the idea that I was trying to make him come out to his family, too (which definitely isn't something I would do!). Perhaps I should tell him this today; that I don't expect him to come out just because I came out. It's, like you said, his decision to make and it's up to him to know when he's ready to do that. It doesn't matter to me if he's ready to come out now or not. I definitely agree though that I was being too pushy when I talked him into coming out to Maria :/ I feel like I should apologize to him when I see him today. I remember thinking that maybe it would be easier for us and maybe he'd feel calmer about everything if we came out to someone. I think I need to take a step back and let him deal with things in his own time. God, I really do feel like a needy, selfish idiot now. It's definitely enough that he's with me and I don't need anything else. I just want to make him happy and right now it feels like I'm doing the opposite.

uniqueusername3:
I agree with you (and Aquaman). I've been trying to move things too quickly and I need to take a step back and let him decide what to do now.

I'm afraid he would do that too. He did show very obvious signs of that before but not so much, recently. I'm going to see how he reacts today when I tell him everything that's happened.

I don't think getting him to see a therapist is something he'd be into. He hates talking about himself and his feelings, and besides, I was depressed a couple of years ago and I've told him about all the shitty therapists I had to see back then, so I think I could have scared him off a bit :/

thanks for your comments, guys!

 

I was going to see him today but he called and said he wasn't feeling great so we canceled our plans. He sounded sort of tired and it sucks that he's apparently coming down with something now because I miss him like crazy I asked him if he wanted me to come over and cook for him or something, but he turned me down. He's going to give me a call tomorrow and if he's feeling better, we'll hang out.

Whiteshadows: aaaw (*hug*)

Scanner: merry belated Christmas to you too! I hope you had a good one. I agree, I think it would be really good if he could stop by and have dinner at my parents' place or something. That would require him being okay with me outing him to them, though. Well, since my mom knows and my dad doesn't.

Also I really got to read NoClue's thread soon! I've probably missed lots while I was away.

Aquaman:

Oh I definitely don't think that and I'm so sorry if I made it look like I'm accusing you of doing that :icon_redf. You made me think about my own behavior, which is really good because I need a wake up call from time to time! Seriously though, I am selfish and needy and never even consider that people might not agree with everything I think which gives me a tendency to run people over. I definitely feel like I've come really close to doing this now but thank god I managed to stop myself in time.

Your advice is actually really helpful and I love that it 'goes against' what other people say because that forces me to think about things from another perspective. I do agree with you; I won't mention coming out in a while, because I don't want to keep bugging him about that. We talked about lots of difficult things right before he went away and I feel like we need to get out and do something fun. Maybe go see a movie or have dinner at a restaurant or just hang out together without having serious conversations (we've had too many of them lately). What you said is actually really sweet and I think I need to work on giving him reasons to come to me.

I keep forgetting how early into this relationship we really are because it feels like we've been together for ages already. I think I need to remember that it's still early days more often than I do because I'm so afraid I'll mess this up.

 

Hi everyone!

Like I said somewhere above this post, I was going to see him on Saturday but he canceled on me. And then he was going to call me yesterday to tell me if he wanted to see me but he didn't, so I called him last night and he apologized for not getting in touch and said he'd been sleeping all day. not going to lie, I was a bit disappointed in him because I'd literally been waiting for him to call me all day and then he didn't (I didn't want to call or text him myself because I knew he'd be pissed if I woke him up).

Anyways, roll on today and he texted me and asked if I wanted to come over, which I did and so I went to his place. I'd really missed him but I noticed right away that he was in a weird mood (it's not unusual for him to get really grumpy when he's sick). He normally talks a lot and jokes around and stuff but he wasn't like that at all, instead he was pretty quiet. I didn't try to pressure him into talking about it, so I just tried to talk about normal things and told him how my trip was and asked him about Spain (we hadn't really talked much these past few weeks, except for a few texts every day). He answered my questions but didn't really say much else, which is unusual for him.

I cooked him lunch and he ate some of it and we cuddled and he fell asleep. When he woke up we watched some TV and he asked me about me coming out. I knew I had to tell him at some point that my mom knows about us but I hadn't really felt like bringing it up since he was already in a bad mood.

So I was like "look, first of all I want you to know that my family's been really supportive of me, especially my mom. When I told her I have a boyfriend, she immediately guessed it was you. I promise you I didn't mention your name, she figured it all out herself. She's cool with it and is really happy for us, and she's sworn she won't tell anyone.

He just went all pale and said 'fuck'. I could see him starting to panic so I told him it's okay and that no one will find out about it. He went "my mom will know. There's no way your mom can know without my parents finding it out" (his mom and my mom work at the same company and my mom was recently transferred to his mom's department and they talk...a lot). I kept trying to reassure him that nothing's going to happen because I know my mom won't tell his mom and I won't tell anyone either, and with the exception of Maria, we're the only ones that know about this.

At this point, he got really frustrated and told me that when he was in Spain, he'd been hit on by his cousins' neighbor's daughter and had turned her down (she's apparently really good looking), and when he'd done that his cousin made a gay joke about him and everyone got super uncomfortable. His uncle then said something like "well thank god Martin's not gay" and some people went yeah. That discussion then turned pretty homophobic. His parents didn't participate in it but that shows what his extended family is like :/

He talked about how he feels like he's let me down because I'm out to my family and he's so "far behind" (his words), i.e. that he feels like he's not ready to come out at all. I said that that doesn't matter to me at all and that I really really don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him to come out, that the decision to come out is his to make and that he should do it when he's ready etc.

He then said that he didn't want to think about this anymore, so we started talking about something else and by then he was acting like he normally does. He also said that he's not angry with me that my mom found out (I thought he was going to be) so I'm really relieved now.

So yeah, this obviously bothers him a lot still. I hope his parents don't turn out to be homophobic like his other family turned out to be. I think I get where he's coming from much better now, he's got a reason to fear coming out that I didn't understand before.

Anyways, my plans for us to do something fun instead of talking about serious stuff didn't work that well (obviously) so I asked him if he wants to do something fun tomorrow and he said yeah. We still haven't decided what to do though but I'm thinking going for a walk or something (if he's feeling better, he's had a pretty bad cold for a while now, hence why he didn't feel like doing something these past few days) because he hasn't left his apartment since Friday.

That's all I have for now.