I think I might have ruined things forever...my life is such a mess

He was in quite a bit of pain yesterday Him and his friends rescheduled their trip to London; they'll be going there in February instead of this weekend since there's no way he could go there now. And this also means I won't be going out anywhere this weekend.

Yeah, it sucks when people flirt with him. Especially when I'm there to witness it :/

You don't think I'll come off as crazy and a bit clingy if I tell him I don't feel comfortable with other people flirting with him? :/ I'm afraid he'll feel like I'm suffocating him if I tell him that.

I know that he wouldn't want to go because he's mentioned it before - that he won't ever go to gay clubs or gay bars, and that's fine by me. If it's not his scene, it just isn't. He already knows that Maria and I will be going there together and the way he talked about us going out, it seems like he's fine with me and Maria going to a regular club but not to a gay club.

I don't know if it's my scene either, I don't think it will be but I think I should at least try it before I say it isn't.

 

I would never want to, nor would I ever try to, stop him from seeing his friends. I read what I wrote and I realize it totally sounds like I meant that >.>. But honestly, I would never ask him to stop seeing his friends and I don't think I'd actually ask him to stop going out with them either. I might not like it, but I realize asking him not to do it is too clingy and controlling. I know being with them makes him happy and I think I need to learn not to feel jealous. He will hang out with people other than me, and it's really just as simple as that and I need to accept that.

AKTodd wrote

Oh no, they're definitely not encouraging him to do anything like that. He's mentioned it in passing that they've tried to set him up with some girl on a couple of occasions but that he's turned them down and they didn't even question his decision or anything. I don't really actively dislike them or anything and he seems to be really happy when he's with them, so it's just unfortunate that I don't really get along with them. But as much as I don't get along with them, I realize they are good friends and I'm just being jealous.

When I saw him turn down that girl, he just straight out told her that he wasn't looking for anyone at the moment. I get why he doesn't want to/can't tell the people who are hitting on him that he's taken but it still hurts. I know, it's me being jealous again. I don't know why I am so jealous because I know he wouldn't cheat on me. He and his ex GF broke up because she cheated on him with someone else and it really upset him and since he knows how bad it hurts, I doubt he'd do the same to me. Or rather, I know he wouldn't. It's definitely me just worrying too much.


I realize I need to let him see his friends. The thing is, he's got tons and tons of friends but I hardly have anyone except for him. He's a really social and friendly person and people tend to love him. I'm pretty shy and I don't really let people get close to me (totally my fault, I know and I'm working on letting my guard down). When I was in the last year of middle school (age 15/16, the school system in Sweden is different from the US) I got depressed. I started feeling bad in August of that year, and by Christmas I just wanted to die and hated myself and as a result of that, got pretty nasty to people. Up until that point, we'd been a group of four guys that always hung out together. When I got ill, I started pushing people away. I managed to finish middle school but ended up in an inpatient psychiatric ward in June of that year due to depression/suicidal thoughts/self harm/anxiety. I stayed there for about a month and then got to go back home. My parents, my psychologist and people at my high school decided that I should take a year off school because going to school would mean putting too much pressure on me.

A year went by and I got better. When fall came, I started school (a year later than I was supposed to). All my former friends from middle school were in the year above me and they weren't exactly my friends anymore. They had gotten their own set of friends and understandably didn't really want to hang out with me after how I had treated them (we've made up now though, but I don't talk to them at all nowadays. Most of them have moved away anyways. Seriously, two of them live abroad now). In high school I was really lonely during the first few months. I didn't feel great about myself and on top of that I couldn't make any friends. In Swedish high schools, you take pretty much all subjects together with the same people so you don't really get to meet new people the way you do in the US. Anyways, I eventually met a guy, let's call him Alex. We took the same classes and we were pretty good friends. In our second year, he dragged me along to a party, where I first met Martin. Martin and Alex had been friends since primary school and me and Martin immediately became really close friends. I remember talking to him for like five minutes and thinking "wow I really like this guy". As me and Martin started hanging out more, I only talked to Alex during/before/after class etc and we drifted apart (totally my fault, I regret doing this now). Alex and I see each other maybe a handful of times a year now so we're not exactly close. Maria was in my German class so that's how I got to know her. Of all people other than Martin, she's the person I'm closest with. Most people I hang out with otherwise - they're like a handful of people - are all Martin's friends (not the people I don't like, but other friends) and I only ever see them whenever I'm with him. There's also some acquaintances from uni but I rarely see/talk to them. Most of them don't even live around here. And then there are a couple of people from work, but I don't hang out with them often because they've worked together for a really long time and know each other really well, which makes me feel left out when all of us are together. So basically I don't have that many friends. It's never bothered me because I've always hung out with Martin and when we haven't been able to do that, we've always texted each other or talked on Facebook. I know it's not healthy for couples to hang out all the time and it'll benefit us as a couple if we take breaks from each other. The thing is that he can pick and choose from tons of friends who he wants to hang out with and there's always someone he can hang out with if he wants to whereas I have no one. I mean, if he wants to hang out with someone other than his boyfriend, there's always his other closest friends. If I want to hang out with someone other than my boyfriend, there's no one because my closest friend is my boyfriend. Maria rarely has time to hang out because she's so busy with work and school so I end up just hanging around at home, waiting for him to come back. I probably do sound really clingy now but I just want you to know why it's different for him than for me when we're not together. I totally get that he wants to hang out with other people and I would never try to stop him and I don't expect him to hang out with me all the time.

Scanner wrote

I know, that was totally unfair of me. It's just that it does hurt me when other people hit on him, for obvious reasons. I just need to learn how to deal with that because he's seriously being amazing about it - he immediately turns them down and does the right things when he's being hit on. So my jealousy isn't really based on anything.

I think I need to realize this. I've pretty much based my life around him and I don't do anything without him.

Aquaman wrote

I hadn't really thought about it in that way but wow, it's true! He could have chosen someone else but he didn't.

Aquaman, AKTodd and Scanner: thank you so much for your comments! you've really made me think about my own behavior and stopped me from doing things. thank you so much!

---------- Post added 16th Jan 2014 at 02:42 PM ----------

Mav: I know right? They're amazing and they've been so helpful to me.

 

Depression sucks! It's just all around horrible. The worst of my depression disappeared after like a year and a half but I still get depressive episodes, which last from days to weeks. They usually don't get that bad, though. I was on anti depressants until I was 19. I stopped self harming when I was 17, and I've only relapsed a couple of times; once a year ago and then a couple of times like a month ago. I still take medication for my anxiety when I need it. I hate how it never fully goes away (both my depression and my anxiety). Most of the time, I feel completely normal though

I don't think it's irrelevant at all; thinking back now, I realize I had a crush on a friend (one of the guys that now live abroad) when I was like 13. I remember going to his place to play computer games and he fell asleep next to me on the bed but I couldn't sleep because my stomach was full of butterflies, lol. I remember him touching my hands on one occasion and I enjoyed it far more than I should have, probably. I didn't realize I had a crush on him back then and I just thought we were really good friends.

Aaaw that sucks I have considered joining a football team. I used to play football until I was like 13 I think and it'd be fun to start playing it again. But that's actually a great idea!

(*hug*)

 

I’ve been busy with work lately so I haven’t been on here that much. I don't really have much to report anyway, because I've been too busy to see him.

To begin with, I’ve been thinking a lot about what Scanner, AKTodd and Aquaman said and the more I’ve thought about it, the more I realize all of it is true. I’ve always known I’m a jealous person but never to this extent. I’m not going to lie, seeing him do things with other people (not everyone, just certain people) makes me really jealous, especially if he decides to hang out with those people without me there. But I realize that both he and I need to be apart from each other sometimes and I try my best not to let my jealousy show. I’m trying to work on my jealousy. While I know he won’t cheat on me I still can’t help but worry about that. Which is ridiculous and stupid since I know he wouldn’t cheat and I need to make myself fully believe that my worry is unfounded and silly.

The more I thought about my own behavior, the more I realized I wasn’t giving him much space at all. I don’t know if I was being too clingy for his liking right now, because he seems to enjoy my company, but at the same time, like Scanner said, we have to spend time with other people too. Anyways, last week I decided to try and give him space. I’m normally the one to text him first or give him a call or suggest that he come over to my place. I wanted to let him decide if he wanted to talk to me or not. Like I felt that maybe I was more or less forcing him to constantly hang out with me or talk to me all the time. Like I said before, work was crazy last week (I work in logistics and our computer system crashed which meant we had to work overtime every single day, trying to fix everything) so I had an actual reason not to talk to him all that much which made things easier for me.

Last time I updated, it was Thursday (two weeks ago, almost). He stayed at my place until Saturday of that week, when he went back home to do laundry. We talked very briefly on Sunday but nothing more until Monday night. He texted me and asked if anything had happened, and I told him about work and he felt bad for me. During the rest of the week, he’d text me every now and then (he always initiated everything since I honestly didn’t have time to text him!) asking how everything was going and telling me about what he was doing etc. I saw on Facebook that he’d been to the gym with some friends from work (which is pretty stupid of him since he’s not supposed to exercise, due to his back injury…but then again, that’s so like him) and he went out with some friends on Wednesday to have beers and catch up a little. To be honest, that made me a little jealous. But it’s not like I had time to see him anyway and it’s great that he found time to see some friends he hadn’t seen in a long time. And I am/was in no way annoyed with him for doing that, but rather I was happy for him which is some sort of progress I think?

On Thursday night, he texted me “I miss you “ which to you guys must seem like it’s not that big a deal but for him, to text me something like that, is a huge deal. It’s the first time ever that he’s texted me to tell me he misses me, which I found really sweet. I texted him back and told him I missed him too and asked if he wanted to Skype, which he did. So we talked on Skype for a while and that was great. He told me he couldn’t wait until he got to see me again and we decided to see each other on Saturday (saying things like that is also pretty uncommon for him!). On Friday he was going out with some friends from work to celebrate someone’s birthday.

I decided to do something fun while he was out. So I went to one of my brothers’ place after work and we hung out and it was great seeing him. We used to be really close, well I guess we still are but we rarely see each other nowadays, and I’m glad I went there because we had a great time. I decided to stay the night at my brother’s place and woke up at three a.m. to Martin drunk calling me, asking if he could crash at my place. I had to turn him down since I wasn’t home but he didn’t seem too upset. He just went all “ah, bummer, see you tomorrow then”.

I did see him on Saturday and he wasn’t really being himself, in a super good way. He kept wanting to hug/touch me way more than he usually does and he told me again that he’d missed me. Seeing him was really good, we had dinner out with his friends (not the ones I don’t really get along with, but the bunch of friends I actually like!) and it was super nice. I talked a lot to a couple of girls and a guy and all of them wanted to get my number so that they can invite me to things even if Martin’s busy. I really hope they get in touch because they’re lovely. Anyways, we laughed a lot and just joked around. Someone mentioned that Martin’s Argentinian/Uruguayan and he told the other ones that I’m an even weirder mix of nationalities (Swedish/Finnish/Italian/Croatian…I know) and they started asking all these questions about me, lol. We left pretty early because I was so tired from working a lot. But all in all, I had a great time.

We didn’t do much of anything yesterday and he went home pretty early because he was meeting his parents for dinner.

So yeah, that was that! No drama and nothing bad happened. He’s going to London with his friends on Thursday and I doubt I’ll have time to see him before he leaves because work’s still crazy.

:smilewave

 

Whiteshadows:

Haha yeah I wish I could as well. And I wish I'd thought twice before naming this thread!

Yeah I know :3 Like I opened the door and he walked into my apartment, and without saying anything, just walked up to me, kissed me, gave me the longest and tightest hug ever and said 'I missed you so much'. That was the sweetest thing he's ever done. Haha I feel so cheesy for saying this, but he makes me so happy in a way I didn't even know another person could. I just love him so much and it's still hard for me to believe that all this's actually happened to me. Than there's an 'us' now.

Oh, now I'm jealous. I've never been to Central America (nor South America either, for that matter) but I've heard Costa Rica is lovely. I hope you'll have a great time

Thank you (*hug*)



KyleD: thank you! (*hug*)

 

He stopped by unannounced today because he wanted to see me one last time before he goes to London (he'll leave tomorrow early in the morning). Again, he was being really cuddly and super cute. He didn't really want to talk, he just wanted to be with me. That made me super happy and made me feel all mushy (thank you NoClue for providing me with the word I was looking for ). He went home like an hour ago and saying good bye was difficult, both for him and for me. We just kept hugging for the longest time, neither of us wanting to let go. I know it's probably a bit ridiculous since he'll come back home on Sunday, but I'm going to miss him. Not seeing him for a couple of days is easier when you know you could visit him at any time.

Aquaman:

Yeah, I mean he's the kind of person that rarely shows emotion to other people. He's gotten way more open about that - especially about straight-out saying what he's feeling, in these last couple of weeks, which feels sort of weird (in a good way) and also really awesome. He's said that he finds it really difficult to talk about his feelings and when he does, I'm going to take it as a sign that he trusts me .

Believe me, I did lol.

I feel like we're finally in a good place. I mean, I know we're going to have fights again but right now, everything's completely drama free, which is awesome!

NoClue:

Aaaaw, thanks. Whenever he says anything like that to me, I just melt lol.

Yeah I definitely will, but I think our (well, rather my) problem is that those things that I can improve on always get in the way of me being able to enjoy what I have with him. My jealously ruins practically everything...

Thanks for your comments everyone! Take care

 

Oh wow, that's impressive! It's gotten pretty long, haha.

Thank you so much :icon_redf when I first posted here, I thought I'd get like ten replies...tops. And look how wrong I was! It's so amazing that people want to read about my life.

Martin doesn't know about this place and I don't want him to find out about it either. He'd get so angry with me if he found out that I've written all these things on here. I don't think he'd take it that well, otherwise I would definitely suggest that he read this thread. He could use a place like this, I think.