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I think I might have ruined things forever...my life is such a mess

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by blueskies, Nov 7, 2013.

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  1. blueskies

    blueskies Guest

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    Sorry about the long post!

    so I don't really know how to begin this...I met my best friend in high school and we became really good friends. After high school, he started working immediately whereas I moved away to go to university. We remained close friends, despite only ever seeing each other a couple of times a year. I mean we texted each other and talked on Facebook and stuff, but it just isn't the same.

    Fast forward three years and I had just finished university and moved back home. I had found an apartment and gotten a job and being back home again, I started hanging out with my best friend again. I immediately found things between us to be different. There was this weird tension between us that simply just wasn't there when we first became friends. And I started to feel nervous and a bit funny around him. While I was away at uni, I dated a couple of girls but it never got more serious than that. My friend was still seeing his high school girlfriend at that time. Anyways, we started hanging out just like we did in high school...he would come over to watch movies, we'd be going to football (soccer) matches together etc etc. It took me six months to realize that those weird feelings I had been feeling around him were, indeed, romantic feelings for him and it took me even longer to accept it.

    In May this year, he broke up with his GF. The breakup was hard on him and I spent basically the whole summer trying to make him feel better while I myself was trying to deal with my crush on him.

    This summer, we both got really drunk and ended up kissing. When that happened, I knew for sure that I was into him because it felt a million times better than when I'd kissed a girl. We didn't talk about it and I didn't know if he even remembered it. A part of me wanted him to remember it I guess. One night, he came over to my place and we had a bit to drink. We were nowhere near drunk though, and we started messing around. We ended up giving each other hand jobs and afterwards he freaked and went home. Things were really awkward between us for a while but then he started coming over to my place again and acted like nothing had happened. Things were like that for a while and then we ended up in bed together again. We basically had sex a couple of times a week but we never spoke about it.

    Fast forward to October, when he decided to stay the night (this had never happened before). We had sex and cuddled afterwards and he slept in my bed and I held him as he slept and it was the most wonderful feeling. Up until this point, he'd never let me hold him or touch him or hug him, but he still didn't let me kiss him.

    After this I realized I was in love with him, it was just not a crush. I was also questioning myself...up until that point I always thought I was straight. I was so scared because I didn't want to be gay and just the thought of coming out scared me so bad but then I figured I could deal with all that if I could just get to be with him. I decided to sit him down and talk to him about it, so I asked him what we were doing, if he wanted this to be something serious or not, but he just avoided the question and went back to his place. The following weeks, he stayed over several nights a week and we ended up having sex and cuddling every single night he stayed here. I tried to ask him the same questions again but he refused to answer them. It started to kill me because I knew I was in love with him and also that I would like us to be together and it was also really annoying that he straight out refused to talk about us (and that he still refused to kiss me while sober...). It was like he was giving me a part of himself but not everything, if that makes sense.

    When last weekend came around, he came over to my place and stayed the night again and I felt like I had to tell him how I felt about him. On Sunday I tried to ask him the same questions again and again he refused to talk about it so I sort of lost it I guess and told him that I had feelings for him, that what I was feeling for him was real and that I needed to know what he felt for me. He basically started pacing the room and then he walked up to me and kissed me (our first sober kiss!). He then freaked out, started crying and left. I haven't heard from him since.

    So what do I do now? It's Thursday and I still haven't talked to him, and we usually talk to each other several times a day. I know for a fact that I'm in love with him, like I really really love him and I want to be with him but I'm so afraid I've ruined things between us forever now. I would do everything for this guy, I'm sure I could never find anyone like him. Maybe I shouldn't have confronted him at all. Do you guys think I messed up when I decided to talk to him about it? Were I too harsh on him? Do you guys think he actually likes me or do you think he just used me to get over his GF (since we basically started sleeping together right after he'd broken up with her)?

    I'm such a mess right now because I have to deal with this AND being confused about my sexuality at the same time. I still have no idea what I am and it's also really confusing and on top of that I'm afraid I've lost my best friend :frowning2: So yeah, help really is appreciated.
     
  2. bingostring

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    No, I think it is good that you confronted him. He is clearly conflicted inside and he needs to work through it one way or another. But I don't think you need worry about what you have done. He's got 'issues' but he may work it through. Good luck.
     
  3. GirlWhoWaited

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    It sounds to me like he's just scared. Maybe give him some time? If I were you, I'd be freaking out as well, but I think it's important to let him know you're there if he wants to talk about it, and that it's okay to need a little space to figure things out. I might also hold off on the ILY's until he's comfortable with everything else. It can be a lot to process, an some handle it better than others. Keep us posted, okay? (*hug*)
     
  4. Xochipilli

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    You guys shared a sober kiss! I don't think you messed things up.
    It took you a while to accept what you felt for him and it seems like he's going through the same thing.
    I agree with my fellow posters. He may just need time to process everything.
     
  5. blueskies

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    Yeah I mean, we've got so much to lose :/

    Yeah, I never really planned to tell him how I felt but it just slipped (thank god I said "I have feelings for you" and not actually "I love you" because that would have been so awkward. :/

    I sure will :grin:

    ---------- Post added 7th Nov 2013 at 06:13 PM ----------

    Thanks guys :slight_smile: I'm going to give him time and try to sort my head out while I wait for him. I realize now that it's probably a lot for him to take it
     
  6. bingostring

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    For me, as an outsider, it's a lovely and tantalising situation and I hope you can work something out.

    A delicate line between losing contact, and making enough contact to keep communication going ...

    Do let us know how it goes !!
     
  7. AKTodd

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    The others have already offered great advice so going to touch on a couple other bits here.

    First, that he kissed you sober probably says quite a lot about how he feels about you. The part he probably is struggling with may be much like what you're struggling with - accepting your feelings for each other and accepting that you can have those feelings for another guy.

    Second, I very much doubt he started having sex with you just to get over his girlfriend.

    Third, based on what I've seen on EC it seems to be possible for two otherwise straight people to develop a level of mutual feeling for each other to the point that the relationship becomes sexual. It may also be that you are both gay or bi and haven't acknowledged it up to this point, but the point is that things are not necessarily always simply either/or in these situations.

    Finally, you mention struggling with your own sexuality. What are you struggling with specifically? Perhaps we could help you a bit there which might lead to you helping him in time.

    Todd
     
  8. bluesky

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    first off, cool name!

    second...listen, i know how much you love the guy. moving away after high school then coming back later probably made you realize that you always had feelings for him. right now, i think you're doing a good job, it seems like you're accepting yourself even though this is new to you as much as it is to him. you aren't pushing him either which is also a very good sign to me.

    this whole story seems very lovely and romantic to me and i see it as such as beautiful thing you two have going on here. as of right now i think he needs time to sort out his feelings... even though he's doing all these physical things with you it shows that he cares for you too but is afraid to act up on it. right now, i think all you can do is wait for him and see what he wants because you already confronted him and put your feelings out there, so the ball is on his court now. that kiss to you sober, then crying after probably means that he loves you in the way that you love him...i see a kiss as something very meaningful...and if he's crying after that kiss with you i can be pretty sure that he felt that kiss. it probably struck him in a way that he never thought he could feel, especially for a guy.

    i really hope things turn out well for you, keep your head up...things like this always need time.
     
    #8 bluesky, Nov 7, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2013
  9. blueskies

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    Thank you, your comment makes so much sense :icon_bigg

    Yeah, I feel like such an idiot for not seeing that it's probably really difficult for him to deal with this - I mean it must be ever harder than it is for me since I've already accepted that I have feelings for him.

    I hope so too.

    Yeah, I agree it's much more complicated than that. I mean I've walked around thinking I was straight for as long as I remember and then this happened and now I doubt everything. I'm even more surprised that my friend apparently (or hopefully) likes men. We randomly discussed being gay a few years back and he was like 'I can't even imagine being gay because cuddling or kissing or having sex with a guy would be a huge turn off because men are too manly" (yup, these are the exact words he used).

    My biggest problem is probably that I have no idea what I am now. I used to think I was straight and then it turned into "well I'm not gay, at least" and now I can't even say that I'm certain I'm not gay because I honestly don't know. Until I started this thing with my best friend, I'd never even considered being with another man. I'd gone on dates with girls and while I sort of liked a few of them, my feelings for them were never this serious. I never slept with any of them, but when I think back on it, I don't think the idea of having sex with them (or with anyone, for that matter) excited me that much but I don't know if it was because I simply wasn't that interested in having sex back then or if it was because I wasn't interested in having sex with women. I mean I've reached the point now where I can look at a woman and am unable to judge whether she's good looking - I mean, I can't decide if *I* think she's good looking or if I find her good looking because I'm 'supposed' to find her good looking/know that other guys find her attractive (does that even make sense?). But the same thing goes for guys - I don't really fancy anyone except for that one guy. I have to be honest with you - I am so afraid of being. I live in a very accepting country where being gay is pretty accepted and if I were to come out, I'm pretty certain my friends wouldn't bat an eye and I don't think my mom would care much either, neither would my brothers. But for some reason I'm still afraid of being gay because I know that no matter how accepting this country is, my life would still be a little bit harder. :/

    ---------- Post added 7th Nov 2013 at 09:49 PM ----------

    Your name is pretty awesome too :thumbsup:

    I'm still pretty confused about my feelings - or more importantly my sexuality. I know I have feelings for him and I don't deny it and I totally accept it and I've actually been asking myself whether I used to have feelings for him before I moved away and to be honest, I don't know.

    Yeah, these physical things don't seem that hard to him and it's pretty clear that he enjoys doing it but it's the emotional part that I'm craving. Call me weird but I sort of like cuddling and kissing more than having sex atm. I know this must be really hard and confusing for him and that he needs time to deal with this but waiting is hard :/ (I'm so selfish -.-). I just wish he'd talk to me, because I'd be completely okay with it if he told me that he needed more time -it's just the fact that I don't know what's up that's difficult. I was so taken aback when he started crying - I've been friends with him for seven years and he's had to deal with some pretty hard stuff but I've never seen him cry before. It was really heartbreaking because he was pretty hysteric and I tried talking to him but it only made him even more hysteric.

    I guess I just need to be patient now.
     
  10. AKTodd

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    Just a suggestion: Rather than stressing out trying to figure out a label for yourself, perhaps consider the idea that labels are for soup cans and that you are simply yourself. A human being who has feelings for another human being (who we have reason to hope has feelings for you back). And that's a pretty fine thing in itself:slight_smile: That you happen to both have the same equipment between your legs is a minor matter.

    It's OK to be afraid (fear is a natural response to something new). But at the same time know that you don't have to be afraid. And that we're all here for you(&&&)

    Eventually the fear will pass and acceptance (or even happiness and contentment) can grow to take its place.

    As far as life as a gay man being harder. Life...is what you make of it. I live in Virginia, a state in the American South. Not a part of the country that is known for being particularly gay friendly. But I'm out to pretty much everybody, friends, family, and co-workers and no one cares (actually many who know my partner actively ask after him and I talk about our life when at work as casually as any of the straight people there). And I really like my life. Because I work to make it a life I really like. I don't really consider it easier or harder just because I like having sex with guys (besides sex with guys (or a guy these days since my partner and I are monogamous) is one of the things that makes my life so much fun:slight_smile: Sex with a dude is AWESOME (but then you know that already:slight_smile: ).

    Hang in there and give your friend some time (but also plan to reach out him and ask if he'd like to talk in a bit). And feel free to post here as much as you need when you need someone to talk to.

    Best

    Todd
     
  11. blueskies

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    "That you happen to both have the same equipment between your legs is a minor matter." that's the best line I've ever read, I think!

    Ugh that first line of the second quote is supposed to read "I'm so afraid of being gay" :eusa_doh: Don't type while tired, I guess.

    Yeah I know that my fears are pretty dumb because I know a couple of openly gay people IRL, both males and females, and their lives seem pretty 'normal' - I mean that as in 'not harder than straight people's lives'. They've talked to me and a couple of my friends about their partners and from what I remember, I didn't react any different than I would have if a straight person was talking about their boyfriend/girlfriend so I can't really see how it would be hard for me either but I'm still scared. :/

    Thanks for the help! I'm going to give him until Sunday and then I'll text him or something.
     
  12. WhiteShadows

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    Heyyy
    What you have is really really cute. And it seems like he's really finding it hard to come to terms with how he's feeling. I don't think anyone who is straight or doesn't have any attraction to guys would have sex with a friend just to get over a girlfriend... I think the best thing you can do is be there to support him if he needs it. Keep us posted :slight_smile:
    (*hug*)
     
  13. NoClue

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    Don't stress about lables and gay or straight. It's not like you HAVE to make a decision right away. Maybe you both just have feelings towards one another. No labels. Give him a couple of days and tell him that. There's no stress or hurry to label anything.
     
  14. blueskies

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    Yeah I get that it must be really difficult and probably also really scary for him so I'm just going to try to be patient and supportive if he wants my support. I definitely will keep you posted, once something happens. I haven't spoken to him since Sunday, I mean no texts no nothing and this is the longest I've ever gone without talking to him since I got to know him I think. It feels really weird but I completely understand why he wants to be alone right now. I talked to a mutual friend yesterday (who's been friends with my best friend since preschool basically) and he hadn't heard from my best friend since last week (and they normally talk pretty much every day) so maybe it's not just me that he's avoiding.

    ---------- Post added 8th Nov 2013 at 02:55 PM ----------

    Thanks for the tip, I guess I should try that the next time I see him if it seems appropriate. I don't know why I'm so hung up on labels; I think overestimate their importance really. :slight_smile:
     
  15. blueskies

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    UPDATE: I texted him.

    I wasn't going to do anything until Sunday but me being the clingy idiot that I am (>.>) I texted him last night. I told him that I just wanted to talk to him and that I'd really appreciate it if he could just text me back or give me a call or talk face to face if he preferred that. I also apologized for being a selfish idiot and pressuring him into things he obviously wasn't ready for. I texted him around five p.m. and a little after two a.m., he showed up outside my door and asked if he could come in. I said of course and let him in. We didn't really talk, he seemed distant and sort of sad/down and when I tried to talk to him it was obvious that he didn't want to talk. He asked me if he could spend the night and I said of course and he crashed in my bed while I slept on the sofa. I haven't been able to sleep one bit since he showed up but he's still asleep and I was thinking that when he wakes up, I'm going to try and talk to him.

    I'm so nervous, though because I am really afraid that I got too clingy last time and that I managed to scare him.

    I need some help guys, (if he wants to talk) what should I say to him that won't make me come off as too clingy? Please guys, I'm freaking out here. :|
     
  16. bluesky

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    If he showed up to your doorstep it obviously mean he knows you want to talk... you also mentioned it in your text and he came over still. I think you should start off by asking simple questions.. don't deal with labels or ask him about his sexuality. make him understand that it's two human beings loving each other. A lot of guys have a hard time understanding this because of their feelings for another GUY.

    Don't throw questions that target his sexuality, it will only confuse him more and it will come off as you pressuring him. I think you should stick to simple as " how are you feeling? i completely understand what you're going through because it's new to me too. But as long as I can be there for you that's all that matters to me." Try to show that you understand where he's coming from WITHOUT questioning his sexuality or what he wants.. does that make sense? keep it simple it's the only way to go about this right now because he is super confused... and so are you. and if he doesn't wanna talk about it then just stay with him. because it seems like although he didn't want to talk, he still wanted to be there with you... if that makes sense.

    good luck!!! keep us updated!
     
  17. WhiteShadows

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    If he showed up it means he still cares about you / wants your support.
    I guess go easy on him and give him as much support as you can without being in his face. He might just need a hug... sometimes that does all the necessary talking in itself... but equally he might not want physical contact.
    Is he usually an introverted person? What is he like socially?
     
  18. blueskies

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    Sorry about just disappearing like that!

    He woke up a couple of hours after I'd posted that last update and we had breakfast. Today we talked - not about us or about what happened - but just talked like we normally would. Things were less tense than last night but it was still pretty awkward. Just as he was beginning to relax a little, I asked him if he wanted to talk about the things that had happened between us (god, my timing is impeccable -.-) and he just sighed and said that we probably had to, but that he couldn't do it then because he'd made plans to meet up with his sister and he didn't want to cancel on her, so we didn't actually talk about us. He agreed to come back here once he'd seen his sister though! so he'll be coming over here tonight and I promised to cook him dinner, so I'm gonna go out and buy groceries in a bit and then get some sleep before he comes back here. so I guess (or at least hope) that we'll talk tonight. And I'm so nervous.

    ---------- Post added 9th Nov 2013 at 01:15 PM ----------

    yeah, I won't ask him any questions about his sexuality. I mean, thinking about my own sexuality is still very hard for me and then I've probably dealt with this issue way longer than he has so it must be even more confusing/terrifying for him. keeping it simple is a brilliant idea and definitely something i'm going to try. I understand what you mean and I'm going to try to show that I understand where he's coming from - because I totally do - and that I'm always there for him if he needs me. it makes sense! thanks for the advice, I will try to do this :slight_smile:

    thanks! and I will. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 9th Nov 2013 at 01:38 PM ----------

    I'm going to try and be the most supportive I can but being around him is sometimes almost like walking on eggshells...he's incredibly difficult getting close to. When you do something that he believes to be too intimate, he shuts you out.
    yeah, physical contact is probably out of the picture. he rarely touches people/wants to be touched and I can imagine he wants that even less now. :/
    He's not that introverted imo, he's much more outgoing than me. He's always been popular despite never hanging out with the cool people at school. He's got lots of acquaintances but only a few, what I would call, real friends. Those real friends would be me, a guy he's been friends with since preschool and a girl he grew up with. He hangs out with lots of different people all the time but rarely lets anyone get to know him properly and to see the real him. He's very talkative but doesn't really like talking about himself and especially not his feelings. He's opened up to me on a few occasions though. He's pretty extroverted but a very private person is a good description of him I think. He's super caring of others and really nice as well, but not that easy to get close to.
     
  19. PerryRob2008

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    So what happened?

    This story has me so intrigued and the situation is similar to how me and my ex met. I hope everything works out for you either way. Just know that everything happens for a reason and that you need to cherish the things that make you happy :slight_smile:
     
  20. AKTodd

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    So, due to the magic of time zones I'm coming rather late to the current situation but will throw in my 2c anyway.

    First off, totally agree with what has already been said about just being there for him and not asking questions targeting his sexuality and the like.

    Thinking about his reaction that you mentioned at the start of this thread (refusing to kiss you, then getting agitated and kissing you, then freaking out), I suspect that for him not kissing you has kept what you do together not fully 'real' or not fully acknowledged in his head. This despite the feelings that could be building up and saying that it is real or that want it to be real. When he finally kissed you sober, it was him overcoming that block (even if temporarily) and then getting hit with a bunch of emotional turmoil right up front. You mention not wanting to be gay or being afraid of being gay. He may very well feel the same way. Kissing you took things from 'the sex stuff is just sort of happening' to 'I'm actively and consciously engaging in an intimate act (based on intimate feelings) with a GUY!!!

    Beyond that, it might be helpful to give some thought to what he might be going through in his head with this. Some factors based on what I've seen people post about here on EC at various times:

    a) You mentioned that you live in a pretty accepting country and that you didn't think your friends and family would have a problem with you being 'not straight'. Do you have any idea how his family might react (figuring that you live in the same country and share a lot of the same friends)? Bear in mind that I've seen accounts here from folks who have openly LGBT relatives (incl brothers and sisters) who are totally accepted in their family and yet that person still struggles with accepting themselves or coming out because of fears about how their family will take it (fear isn't necessarily rational).

    b) You haven't mentioned what role (if any) that religion plays in your life or his. Any idea if he might have issues stemming from religious belief or upbringing?

    c) Some guys are afraid that accepting that they are not straight will mean that they must give up doing things they like to do or that their behavior will/must change in some fashion from how they are now. However, the truth of the mater is that there are no 'union rules' for being 'not straight'. The most that some guys may do is be more free about their behavior because they've been suppressing some of it because its not 'straight enough'. But that's pretty much the only thing.

    Right now there are soldiers, construction workers, police and firefighters, and any number of traditionally 'manly' guys out there who go to bed each night in the arms of their boyfriends or husbands, often after having sex with them. That they enjoy sex with another man, that they love holding/being held by another man, that they enjoy kissing/being kissed by another man - has nothing to do with and no impact on their ability to do their jobs, or what they like to do for fun.

    Most of straight culture tends to think of the 'stereotypical' not straight person (male or female) when thinking about this issue and assume that being not straight automatically means being the stereotype. While there are lots of people who fit the stereotype to one degree or another (they are acting naturally for them and should be respected as fellow humans), there are also lots who do not - they just aren't as visible.

    Anyway - just some factors that might be considered when thinking about your friend's situation. Or your situation for that matter.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
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