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I think I might have ruined things forever...my life is such a mess

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by blueskies, Nov 7, 2013.

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  1. uniqueusername3

    uniqueusername3 Guest

    I'm sorry - the stuff that happened in Spain sounds really difficult.

    The one thing to bear in mind (you may be able to relate this to your own experience) - is that when you're in the closet there is a tendency to see enemies everywhere. You can think of everything as the worst possible scenario. You interpret things people say in the way that fits what you want to think - and if you think that everyone you care about will reject you, you can find the evidence to fit that narrative.

    That's not to say there aren't genuinely homophobic people out there, or that people don't say terrible things - Just that it can be really difficult to take a balanced view of situations.

    I read somewhere (maybe on EC?) a great analogy of being closeted/coming out. Excuse my bad paraphrasing;

    It's like you've spent your whole life hanging onto a rope for dear life, convinced that if you release your grip you'll plunge to your death. It's only when you finally let go that you realise you were only ever 2ft off the ground.

    I don't know if that helps, and I don't really know what you can do to speed things up. Sometimes the only solution is to give it time.
     
    #141 uniqueusername3, Jan 6, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2014
  2. WhiteShadows

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    Hey Blueskies
    Yes, remind your mum. Maybe you should also explain why it's so important that she doesn't talk about it.

    Please give Martin lots of cuddles and assure him that everything will be ok :slight_smile:
     
    #142 WhiteShadows, Jan 6, 2014
  3. alex1170

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    Hey blueskies,

    I just finished reading your thread and I saw a lot of similarities with my own relationship. My boyfriend is much farther in the closet than I am and I am not even out to family. Todd mentioned a thread I update called "my story". It is rather long now but I went through a lot of the same things you have and much more (my boyfriend and I have been together for 2+ years now). If you have the time and energy I think it might serve as a good read for someone like you.

    As for right now, the advice I would give is to be very sensitive to your boyfriend's comfort level as far as liking guys and coming out is concerned. It might be frustrating at times that he is not ready to come out yet, and he may even feel bad about "being behind" you, but ultimately this is one thing he needs to come to terms with on his own. I learned that the hard way. There may be some things pretty deep inside him that trouble him about the possibility of being gay. All I am saying is try to be extra supportive and above all else enjoy. I remember the high of just starting out a first relationship with someone you actually love. It really is the best feeling ever.

    I wish you guys the best.

    P.S. you handled some of the hard parts really well IMO, so props dude.
     
    #143 alex1170, Jan 6, 2014
  4. NoClue

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    Hey blueskies,

    Sorry i havent been keeping up, my new job is killing me!

    I'm happy you told him what happened. How he react was understandable and so was his mood. It tells ke that he thinks about coming out. If he didn't, he wouldn't let his extended family's reaction affect him like it did. I'm glad he talked to you about it and you made sure to show him, it wasn't a big deal.

    For now, I agree with everyone, drop the subject. Obviously, he's been thinking about it and he'll come out when he's more confortable. Since he's new to this, anything can give him a reason to not come out let alone comments like that from his family.

    Ask your mom if shes spoken about you and martin to anyone. Tell her to keep this a secret for you while you and martin grow more comfortable within the relationship.

    I agree with just taking each day at a time and making the most of it with him. Hopefully soon he'll realize that as long as hes happy with you, thats all that matters. Do something fun and surprising, maybe show up with some cupcakes or whatever he likes, a small surprise that will make him feel better.

    Keep us posted! :icon_bigg
     
    #144 NoClue, Jan 6, 2014
  5. blueskies

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    Thank you guys so, so much for your comments! I really appreciate every single one of them.

    To everyone: when I came out to my mom, I made her promise she wouldn't tell anyone. I don't think she has done that, but I am going to call her tonight (because of other things) and I'm going to tell her that she can't tell anyone and tell her why she can't, just so that she understands how important this is.


    Mav:

    It's not just me that's putting pressure on him, but I don't think I am helping him either so I won't discuss it with him any further until he brings it up (I don't want to discuss it with him anymore, anyways. I got to come out to my family and to Maria, and that's more than enough for me.)

    I'm afraid I'll drive him away too. What we have is really fragile and ruining it forever would probably be pretty easy. I will definitely try to make every moment with him as positive as possible. He laughed a lot when I saw him today and seemed pretty upbeat which is great. :slight_smile:


    Aquaman:

    I know, it was horrible really. It gives me some comfort that it wasn't me who brought that up yesterday. I wasn't going to talk about that for the reasons you'd mentioned before and then he decides to bring it up and he acted like he wanted to talk about it and I felt like I couldn't not talk about it either, you know, since he brought it up. I'd only told him that I'd come out and that everything was okay through a text message when he was in Spain and he started asking me about the details yesterday, like what had my mom said etc, and then I felt like I couldn't not tell him that my mom knows about us. I know that was the reason why he got upset, but not telling him that my mom knows when I'd already told him the rest would be even worse because then I'd be lying to him. So I chose what I believed to be the lesser of two evils. Again, I wouldn't have brought it up if I hadn't believed it was absolutely necessary. But then again, it seems like what had happened in Spain was a burden for him (duh) and he seemed so relieved when he'd told me about it. I doubt he'd told me if I hadn't sort of initiated the discussion because he's not that kind of person. So something good came out of this mess. But yeah, I am totally going to avoid that topic of conversation (unless he brings it up).

    I definitely will. I'm thinking of things to do with him. We both love football (Soccer) and go to games together pretty often, but it's the winter break now so there are no matches. I'm definitely dragging him out this weekend to have some beers or something. We haven't really hung out like we used to before we became a couple in a while, and I think we definitely need it.

    uniqueusername3

    Yeah, I was absolutely shocked. It was awful, I feel so sorry for him.

    Wow, what you said about thinking everyone's your enemy is so true, at least when it comes to me. I honestly had moments when I thought my parents wouldn't ever accept me at all, and look how things turned out. I know now that his extended family is homophobic but chances are that his family isn't, and I really hope it's like that.

    That analogy is wonderful and really powerful.


    WhiteShadows

    I'm definitely working on it, especially that cuddling part :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:


    alex1170

    I remember when Todd recommended that thread to me and I bookmarked it then because I didn't have time to read it on that day, and then I forgot about it. I found the bookmark but I don't have time to read it today either but I definitely will tomorrow. I've heard lots of (good) things about your thread and I'm really looking forward to reading it. :grin: I think it would be really useful for me to read a thread like that because I honestly could use all help I could get.

    Thanks for your advice, I'm really going to let him decide the pace and I'm going to try to be as sensitive as I can because I really, really do not want to put pressure on him in any way.

    Thanks :grin:


    NoClue


    Aaaw, I hope it gets better for you soon with your new job. :slight_smile:

    It feels like telling him was the right decision because he deserved to find out, and the sooner the better.

    I hadn't thought about it that way before but I agree, it sounds like he's thinking about coming out. I don't think he will do so for a long time since he's obviously not comfortable in his own skin yet and since his family may not be that accepting, but I will try to be there for him and be as supportive as I can so that he knows he has my full support.

    A small surprise is perfect, actually. He loves sweet things and he loves my baking, so I am so going to bake him something! That's a great idea actually, thanks. :grin:
     
    #145 blueskies, Jan 7, 2014
  6. Colours

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    I haven't read all of the comments but this kind of sounds like what I've been through. My main advice is to give it time, let him know he can talk about what he's feeling and that you understand that he's having a hard time with these possibly new found feelings. Do not put any pressure on him whatsoever, it will only make it worse. I've learned that the hard way. My ex boyfriend was the same - the fact that he was having feelings and dating a guy was really hard for him. But I kind of took it for granted and gave him little space to and little help in accepting it, because he always played it off so cool. He never said he was having a hard time, all he'd say was "Never expected this of myself" and laugh, but I didn't take the time to read into what he was really trying to say. Instead of asking "How are you feeling about it?" or w/e I'd go and ask whether he had told his parents yet.

    Please don't do what I did. I was so happy that I could finally call him my own, I was blinded. I mean, after some thought he told me he reciprocated, we had had sex and he liked it, and he said he loved me during one of the first times, so I didn't think anything could go wrong. But it's not that simple.

    It sounds like you really care for this guy and I know how it feels and especially how it feels to be hurt in this situation if it does end bad (it took me months to get over him and I still struggle with feelings for him sometimes to this day - it's been a year and a half...) so I can't emphasize enough that you need to give him the space he needs. Treat him with caution because he's really fragile right now. Even if it might sometimes seem like he isn't.

    I wish you all the best.
     
    #146 Colours, Jan 7, 2014
  7. Aquaman

    Aquaman Guest

    Aaaaaand we have a winner! You have just had an epiphany! You two fell in love with each other while you were spending time together before you became a couple. After you became "official," everything has been serious conversations, and awkward moments, and drama. So, you must focus on making things the way they were before that first serious "sit down."
     
    #147 Aquaman, Jan 7, 2014
  8. blueskies

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    I just now realized I didn't tell you about what we did yesterday. He got off work early and I had the day off, so we met up and walked around pretty much the whole of Stockholm, just talking. We had dinner at a pizza place before he had to go home. We had to go back to our own places though, and it sucks that he couldn't spend the night at my place :frowning2: It was nice, just hanging out and talking about normal stuff without any drama.

    We'll see each other tonight though. He'll have dinner (and I've baked him something, as per NoClue's recommendation) at my place tonight and he'll stay here until Friday (the place he works at now is actually closer to where I live, so I guess he'll pretty much be living here for a couple of weeks now :grin:).


    Colours

    I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I'm definitely going to give him space and be as supportive as I can. The trouble is that he doesn't really talk about what's going on in his head so it's sort of hard for me to understand what he's going through (he's pretty great at hiding his emotions when he doesn't want them to show).


    Aquaman

    Yeah, everything's been a mess for quite a while now. I'm definitely going to work on getting things back to where they were. I sort of felt like what we did yesterday was pretty close to the things we used to do together when we were just friends. No more drama now, we've both had enough of that I think. I'm going to focus on making every moment with him as happy as possible because I think we both need it.
     
    #148 blueskies, Jan 8, 2014
  9. mermaid

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    Hej blueskies!
    Having followed your thread since the beginning without writing :icon_redf , I now have to tell you how happy I am how things have came out for you! Well done!:eusa_clap
    Just walking around talking about normal stuff can be very nice, too, :icon_bigg and you two seem to need some more stuff like this right now.

    I really enjoy strolling through Stockholm with my girlfriend her showing me all the nice places.


    Wish you two a nice time together!
     
    #149 mermaid, Jan 8, 2014
  10. mav96213

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    Hey Blueskies,

    In another thread (My Story by Alex1170, which I believe you've participated in, but not sure), anyway, there a lot of similarities with the guys involved who are new with having feelings for another guy, and struggling a bit with accepting themselves (and with how others will perceive them), as well as struggling with coming out or staying in the closet. Anyway, I really believe this one point is worth mentioning in your situation as well as in Alex's, and that is to reassure your boyfriend that he can talk to you and share ALL his feelings with you, and you'll do the same with him. Yeah we can always "assume" both parties know this, but it might a good time to reassure him.

    Here is part of the posting I added to Alex1170's thread, I think it's worth repeating in yours...

    ********************************
    "With regards to the communication with your boyfriend... to me I believe that having someone that you are so close to that you are "able" to share all your deepest thoughts, fears and concerns with, is a privilege, not a "duty". I'd remind your boyfriend that your are there for him, you "want" him to feel comfortable enough to "lean on you" so to speak, to know he can tell you anything without fear of rejection or judgment. When two people are really, and I mean really connected to each other, that is the level a relationship takes on.... and again, it's not a burden, it's something really special. It's' just "another" way that you "connect" with that other person.

    I'm sure your boyfriend is dealing with his own "walls" and it's hard for him to "let go" and be venerable to someone else, but you need to remind him that being venerable to some else, and knowing you can trust them, is indeed a very, very special thing. Also tell him that "you" want "him" to be that person in your life, the one whom you share "everything" with. Once you two can do that, it will take your relationship into an whole new level of closeness and special love."

    ********************************


    Good luck, hope things continue to move in a positive direction....!
     
    #150 mav96213, Jan 8, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2014
  11. Aquaman

    Aquaman Guest

    Yes! Good for you! Keep the momentum going, and just because you are a couple, it does not mean you have to stop being friends.
     
    #151 Aquaman, Jan 8, 2014
  12. blueskies

    blueskies Guest

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    Just realized I haven't been on here in days. I've been ridiculously busy these past few days...the boyfriend's asleep on the sofa now though so that's why I'm here lol.

    We've done lots of stuff these past few days...

    On Wednesday, I made him dinner and surprised him with a type of sponge cake that he loves and he got really happy, which was nice. :slight_smile: He loves my cooking.

    We went to the gym on Thursday when I'd gotten off work and just chilled the rest of the night.

    Remember when I told you guys that I'd drag him out for beers? Well that happened on Friday. We had a great time but we went home pretty early because he was really tired. Neither of us got drunk but we just joked around and talked and had a nice, fun night (we really needed that!).

    On Saturday his football(soccer) team played a match. He didn't play since he'd been ill but we went and watched the game and his team won :grin:. So afterwards, him and some guys from the team decided to go out to celebrate and he talked me into tagging along. Lots of guys on his team work together with him and I don't know, I'm not a big fan of the majority of them. They just get on my nerves but I decided to go out with them anyways and we ended up having Chinese food for dinner before we went to a night club. I didn't have that great a time because, like I said, I don't really like his friends. They just talk to each other all the time and tend to ignore me (I don't think they like me either, so at least the feeling's mutual) and I was sort of the fifth wheel the whole evening. Anyways, he had a great time and we danced a lot which was fun. Girls kept hitting on him and he turned them down but it still sucked that it happened right in front of me (I'm apparently a really jealous person). We left at one and on our way home he was like "you obviously didn't have a good time tonight" and I was like "that's not true, I just don't know your friends that well" (which also is true) but I could tell he was annoyed with me and then he was like "well you could have said you didn't want to come" and I was like "but I wanted to because I wanted to be with you" and then he got really annoyed. We made up later though, so we're fine now.

    Today he went to his place to pick some stuff up and I had coffee with Maria while he was gone. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but he's going to London with some friends from work next Thursday so he'll be gone over the weekend. Anyways, Maria talked me into going to a gay club with her next weekend. There's practically no gay clubs in Stockholm (or rather, there's practically no gay life here at all) but she knows a place where we can go and I'm actually pretty excited. I've never been to a gay club before so I just want to try it. Martin met up with us in town later and Maria told him about the club and he thought it sounded fun and he was glad she'd talked me into going with her. I know he would never go to a gay club, at least not now, and I'm really glad Maria managed to talk me into doing it too because I've been wanting to do that for a while now.

    So that's what I have for now. I'll keep you updated. :grin:

    ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2014 at 08:56 PM ----------

    right, just going to answer the comments too:

    mermaid
    Hallå!
    Aaaaw thanks :grin:
    I like Stockholm too, at least now when there's snow. Stockholm's really pretty in winter.

    Mav
    I haven't actually read that thread yet but I am definitely going to do that soon when I find time.

    Your comment is really helpful and I'll keep that in mind. :slight_smile:


    Aquaman
    I think we, or rather me, forgot that in the midst of us becoming a couple. We've done lots of fun stuff these past few days and that has been really nice. :slight_smile:
     
    #152 blueskies, Jan 12, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2014
  13. Maea96

    Maea96
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    No matter what you do, just think things through.
    (oh my god that rhymed xD)
    Set one day off of your calendar, where you approach him carefully, (sober ofc) alone in person, when he is not in stress (like the weekend) and bring up the situation you guys've been in for a long time. Talk about your feelings towards each other, your family situations, your dreams and goals, the bad and whatnot.

    Communication is key, and patience is golden.
    If he needs time, give him time. It's also imporant here, to look after yourself. Find the perfect moment, and jump!
     
    #153 Maea96, Jan 12, 2014
  14. mbanema

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    I read through this entire thread earlier today and just want to thank you for posting your story. This was really sweet and I commend you for how considerate you've been towards the way your boyfriend has felt throughout the process. I'm pulling for you! :thumbsup:
     
    #154 mbanema, Jan 12, 2014
  15. Aquaman

    Aquaman Guest

    Congratulations! This argument you two had makes you officially a normal couple! Every couple on the surface of this planet has had that exact same fight, with the exact same words, and the exact same outcome, so it is no reason to worry. That argument is pretty much a requirement in all healthy relationships.


    Great! Just keep the momentum going, and don't have too much fun at that gay club while he is away :eusa_naug haha!
     
    #155 Aquaman, Jan 12, 2014
  16. Mr Hubahuba

    Mr Hubahuba
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    I am really late lmao... I just found this and I can stop smiling in some parts... I would give you advice on things said early in this topic but all the advice you got is great so I'll just wait for the next updates and You'll try to give you the best advice

    ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2014 at 11:14 PM ----------

    I mean I'll lol you,re right! Never type when you're tired.
     
    #156 Mr Hubahuba, Jan 12, 2014
  17. blueskies

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    Thank you so much guys for your comments and advice, you're the best! :slight_smile:

    Martin fell off a scaffolding at work today and hurt his back :frowning2: He called me at work and told me and I got really scared and asked him if he's alright and he said he had to go to the ER, just in case but that it wasn't anything serious. Nothing was broken and it turns out he fell from pretty high up so how he didn't get seriously hurt, I'll never know (I'm obviously relieved he wasn't hurt though!). So yeah, I've taken care of him all day today since he's not supposed to move around that much. He's pretty pissed though because he can't work and he probably won't be able to go to London, either. I feel so sorry for him because he'd really looked forward to this trip :frowning2:

    Aquaman

    Yeah the fight (if you want to call it that, since it wasn't big at all) didn't really worry me much. I mean I've argued with him lots and lots of times before. Our fights never get really bad anyways - he's normally the one that does most of the arguing. I rarely, like almost never, argue back when we fight so it dies out pretty quickly. And this was probably our typical argument - me doing something that pisses him off, him getting grumpy, me apologizing and him getting even more grumpy, lol.

    Lol no I'll try :wink: But seriously though, I'm really excited about that. I've never really met any gay people before so I'm really looking forward to it. I can tell he isn't exactly thrilled I'll be going there, though so I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it.
     
    #157 blueskies, Jan 13, 2014
  18. Aquaman

    Aquaman Guest


    If he doesn't seem too excited with you going to a gay bar, then maybe you shouldn't go. I am sure you won't be missing much, and instead you'd be making him jealous. Just take care of him, or go somewhere else with your friend that doesn't involve other gay guys... How would you feel if he were the one that wanted to do that? We human beings are very stubborn, and he'll probably say "if you want to go then go" when in reality he doesn't want you to. Oh, the humanity!
     
    #158 Aquaman, Jan 13, 2014
  19. WhiteShadows

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    I hope Martin gets better soon. It's nice to hear that things are generally ok though. You are both so cute :slight_smile:
    (*hug*)
     
    #159 WhiteShadows, Jan 13, 2014
  20. blueskies

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    Well I mean if he ens up not going to London now I definitely won't be going anywhere because a) then I would stay home and take care of him if he's still in pain by then and b) I wouldn't go out anywhere without him if he's home.

    I know I probably shouldn't do it since he doesn't want me to. The thing is, he keeps going out with people he knows that I'm not really friends with (like the guys from his work/his football club) without me pretty often and I've heard them speak both IRL and on Facebook about how girls keep hitting on him whenever he's out somewhere (which is true) and that really hurts. I don't think he would cheat on me, it's not like I'm afraid of that but he's my boyfriend and I don't want other people hitting on him. I know I'm making this about me but he must know that whenever he goes out somewhere, girls will hit on him and if he knows that I don't understand why he keeps going out. Somehow it's like he's okay with being hit on by other people even though he's with me and I would be lying if I said that didn't hurt. A lot.

    Like if he doesn't want me to go out I obviously won't do it. I don't think I would miss much by not going to a gay club but at the same time, going there would mean a lot to me. I still haven't explored that side of me, if that makes sense. I'm still unsure about my sexuality, like everything's a complete mess in my head at the moment, and I'm not going to lie, being gay still worries me quite a bit. I know it sounds weird but I would like trying to go to a gay club just to see if I fit in, like if being there feels right for me. I've accepted that I'm in love with a guy and I'm out to my family but for some reason not being able to put a label on myself is really stressing me out. I don't know who a part of me is and I feel really lonely because I literally have no one to talk to about this. It's not like I can talk to Martin because I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on him, you know?

    Oh god, I didn't mean to whine this much. Sorry!

    ---------- Post added 14th Jan 2014 at 08:38 AM ----------
    Aaaaw thanks :grin: I'm so happy we're finally fine.
     
    #160 blueskies, Jan 13, 2014
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