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I think I might have ruined things forever...my life is such a mess

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by blueskies, Nov 7, 2013.

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  1. sandshoes

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    This is the best love story I've read in as long as I can remember, and the best part is that it's true! I'm so happy for you two!

    Skönt att höra att det finns hopp även i jobbiga situationer. Jag hoppas att jag kommer kunna känna likadant för en annan person någon gång. Åh, så glad att jag hittade den här tråden!

    Ha det så bra och lycka till med allting!
     
  2. mav96213

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    Blueskies,

    I just tripped onto your thread, and I want to say thank you for sharing your life with us. I've really enjoyed reading your story and going on the "journey" with you through this thread. You've had some excellent advice by some very caring people, my hats off to them! I think it really boils down to this in a nut shell, it's not a gay thing or a straight thing, it's really about two people who've connected in a deep way and the result is love. It's that simple, love is love, and the "mechanics" of it or how we share that love between two people don't really matter. It just "happens" that the two of you are men, so you "share" your love for each other differently, that's all. Love is a strong, powerful, emotional feeling; it's in the mind and intertwines itself with your soul. That feeling later is expressed physically, so no one "should" care how it's expressed, just that you're happy with the other person. I wish the "world" would get over the homophobia, and I think in time it will (it's come a long way in the last 10 years or so!); as someone already pointed out, if you were on a desert island and developed these feelings, and there wasn't "society issues" to deal with, you'd just fall in love without all the mixed emotions. Hang in there, I believe things will continue to get easier (there will be some rough spots, but together you work through them) and "love" will overcome any obstacles you run into.

    Really glad I was able to experience your story, very happy for you both!

    I saw a movie the other day that had an interesting point that you might find compelling. The move was called "Strapped", and the part near that end was awesome. It was when the main actor discovered how strong of an emotion there was when he "allowed" himself to kiss, I mean really kiss another guy, to "let himself go", that it was far more powerful than any "other" kind of sexual thing he'd ever done. It was such a strong point, especially when you're in love, that I thought it was worth mentioning.
     
    #82 mav96213, Dec 3, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2013
  3. blueskies

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    Yay thanks :grin:

    Jag har läst igenom hela tråden flera gånger och kan fortfarande inte riktigt förstå att allt detta har hänt mig, det känns så overkligt. Du kommer säkert att känna lika dant för någon en dag :slight_smile:

    Tack detsamma :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 3rd Dec 2013 at 05:52 PM ----------

    Mav: thank you so much for your comment. I've realized this is first and foremost about love, and not about being gay or straight. I think I've stopped caring that he's a guy - I mean I'm so in love it physically hurts and it just feels so right, it's simply just perfect. And because of that, I don't care what people might say about us. I love him and that's all that matters to me.

    I agree with that guy in the movie; kissing is much more powerful that having sex in my opinion. well we haven't had penetrative sex yet so I can't tell for sure that I'm always going to feel this way but when he kisses me blows me away in a way sexual things can't.
     
  4. scanner007

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    Originally posted by mav96213:
    gee...I wonder who posted that? He must be an insightful individual.

    Originally posted by Scanner007
    oh yeah ok I remember now :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Strapped. Hot kiss. - YouTube

    ok yeah that clip there is pretty hot. Ima halfta find dis movie Strapped....WOW!
     
    #84 scanner007, Dec 3, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2013
  5. AKTodd

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    Congratulations! Really great to hear that things are going so well :slight_smile:

    Keep up the good work and good luck on dodging sleeping boyfriend kicks!

    Todd
     
  6. blueskies

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    LOL Scanner

    Thanks Todd :grin: I apparently punched him last night when I was asleep so I'm finally getting some sort of revenge :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. blueskies

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    I've got some news for you guys :grin:

    Me, Martin and Maria are going to have dinner together on Wednesday and I've convinced him that we should come out to her then. He's really freaked out about it though :/ I mean he's okay with us coming out to her but he's convinced that she'll hate us :/ I would be lying if I said it wasn't freaking me out too but I know deep inside me that she won't care. I mean, she's pretty much got it figured out that I have feelings for him already anyways. He's also more or less admitted that he's afraid that she'll think he's gay (his sexuality seems to be a much more deeply rooted issue than I ever thought possible :/). But at least we get to come out to somebody! I'm tired of hiding.

    Speaking of coming out, Christmas is coming up and I'll be spending it with my parents and my brothers. I know I'll be asked by either my mom or my brother(s) if I'm seeing someone and I sort of feel like it's the right time to tell someone (preferably one of my brothers, but my mom would work too). I've got a couple of questions regarding this:

    1. How should I tell them that I'm seeing a guy without even mentioning my sexual orientation? I'd like to talk as little as possible about my orientation since I'm still unsure about it. I mean I assume they're going to start asking me if I'm gay and so, how do I avoid this type of questions?

    2. I talked to Martin about coming out (in general, to people other than Maria) and he doesn't want anyone to know about us dating. at this moment in time, I'm okay with that. Considering what he said, do you guys think it's wrong of me to tell someone that I'm in a relationship with a guy if I don't mention that it's him specifically? I promised him not to out us; do you guys think I'm breaking that promise if I tell someone I've got a boyfriend?
     
    #87 blueskies, Dec 16, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2013
  8. WhiteShadows

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    Awww (*hug*)
    I think Maria will have a positive reaction. Hopefully that will give Martin some more confidence about the whole thing.

    Are your family accepting of lgbt people? Will they respond well to you telling them?
    I can't really give any advice :s

    Really, I think you should just ask Martin if it's ok for you to tell your family that you're seeing a guy (but without mentioning his name). If he doesn't want you to tell them, then I would just say "I'm seeing someone" to your family without mentioning gender.

    Good luck!! (*hug*)
     
  9. AKTodd

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    Congratulations! I'm sure dinner will go great:slight_smile: Which will hopefully go a step or three toward helping Martin accept that people won't hate you, which in turn will hopefully make him feel much better all around.

    Did you ever get a chance to talk to him about what being 'gay' means to him and why he reacts so strongly to it?

    On a related note, Maria may very well assume that you and Martin are gay simply because most people make that assumption when considering two people of the same sex being in an intimate relationship. For the sake of his composure you might mention this to Martin ahead of time and/or be prepared to respond to this assumption going into the conversation. One way to address this (both with Martin and with Maria) would be to explain the concept of a demisexual - as I understand it this is someone who must have an emotional connection with someone in order to be sexually attracted to them. There are folks here who know a lot more about that than I do and perhaps they'll weigh in.

    Another option would be to simply say that labels aren't important and the two of you are simply happy to be together and that's all that matters.

    I think the issue will be less about YOU not talking about your orientation and more about your family members talking (or asking) about it. As with Maria, they will probably make the assumption that you are gay. As with Maria, your best bet might simply be to say you aren't concerned with labels and are simply letting this relationship develop. Right now you are very happy and that's all that matters and you'd really appreciate it if that could be all they care about at this point as well. Or something like that. You certainly know how to talk to your family better than I:wink:

    I would wait until after your dinner with Maria and then talk to Martin about it. If dinner goes well then he may feel quite a bit better (you will too, I suspect since you mentioned being nervous) and more comfortable with the idea. But I do think you should respect his wishes on this either way. I know you really want to share this wonderful thing with your loved ones. But one of your loved ones (three guesses who) is feeling a bit fragile right now. With time and each successful coming out (not to mention more time with you) he'll get more comfortable with it all. No promises, but eventually he may even be the one suggesting people to come out to.

    Hang in there and, if at all possible, on the night before your dinner with Maria, make Martin lay down and give him a nice, long back rub (or even a full body massage). You said he's in construction, he'll probably really appreciate that. After which cuddle with him and help him sleep (he may have some trouble with that). And on the night of your dinner with Maria, but before she arrives, give Martin a big BIG hug and tell him you love him and are there for him no matter what. He's going to be suffering from giant nuclear mutant butterflies in his stomach (that means he'll be majorly nervous if that expression doesn't make sense in Sweden) and will need all the love and reassurance he can get.

    Hope this helps and best to you both,

    Todd
     
  10. Accfdude

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    How did it go?
     
  11. blueskies

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    Thanks for your brilliant input, guys :slight_smile:

    White Shadows:

    My older (half) brother's best friend since he was a toddler is gay so I don't think he'd care. My mom's always been really supportive of gay rights, so I don't think she'd care either. Or at least I hope so. I have no idea how my other brother and my dad would react though. Not going to lie, I'm really afraid of telling them but a part of me knows that fear is pretty irrational.

    Yeah I should probably ask him before I say anything!

    AKTodd:

    I hope so too. I'm not *that* bothered by what people might think anymore, but he surely seems to be and I agree that it'll be good for him to see that people won't hate him.

    Unfortunately I've never gotten around to talk about why being gay is so scary to him. He clearly doesn't want to talk about that, or his sexuality at all. he always changes the subject whenever I try. My guess would be that he's afraid of not being like everyone else, and being gay would mean to him that he isn't like everyone else. He cares a lot about what people think of him, which might be the reason why not being straight is so scary to him.

    I think I'm somehow going to bring it up that labels don't matter and that we're simply in love with each other when talking to Maria :slight_smile:

    I think that sounds good - if everything goes well with Maria, maybe he'll see that coming out isn't so bad. I won't try to pressure him into anything though, and if he's not ready for me to come out just yet, I won't do it. I would never do anything that he doesn't want me to do. I know we've only been together for a month but I feel like I want to show everyone that we're together and that we're in love (I realize this sounds really weird). It's like I keep forgetting that we haven't been together for very long at all because it feels like we've been together for years haha. I know I'm moving forward too quickly and I realize I need to slow down.

    Oh, that's a really good idea! I haven't seen him since Saturday and he'll be coming over to my place tonight. I'll cook and he'll spend the night. I've massaged his back before, both before and after we started dating, and he really liked it then so I think he's going to be so happy if I do that to him tonight. He actually texted me saying he misses sleeping next to me/cuddling with me so I think we're definitely going to be doing that tonight :slight_smile: That expression makes perfect sense to me :slight_smile: I know he's going to be really tense tomorrow and I know I'll need to calm him down.

    Thanks for your help guys! I'll let you know how everything went!
     
  12. NoClue

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    Cuddling sounds good! As long as he doesnt kick :icon_wink

    I think Maria will be ok with all this. You all are friends and nothing can change that. Maybe she knows somewhat already which will probably be easier to tell her. And since she knows you both before you guys became boyfriends, just say this is the first time we felt like this about another guy, maybe we're gay, maybe not, but we just like each other and thats all that matters.

    Good luck with your parents/family. I hope its all positive things!

    And lastly, if someone asks about you and who you're dating, its ok to say you have a boyfriend. If they ask who, just say it's a new relationship and you want to keep it private for now. I'm sure they'll understand.

    You're right, hopefully if all goes well with Maria, Martin will see it's ok and be more confident to come out.

    Good luck and keep us posted! :icon_bigg

    Just noticed you commented on my thread. Great timing!
     
  13. mav96213

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    I hope you have an update for us soon, I'm wondering how everything went with dinner...
     
  14. blueskies

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    Sorry for making you wait for so long! Work is crazy right now.

    On Tuesday night, I followed AKTodd's advice and gave Martin a nice, long massage. He liked it and actually fell asleep. He didn't seem that nervous, but he enjoyed cuddling with me and fell asleep almost immediately when we went to bed.

    On Wednesday, he was really nervous. He usually talks a lot but he was very quiet so I knew he was nervous. We went to the restaurant where we were supposed to meet Maria and we were a bit early so we waited outside. He seemed really, really tense and when I asked him if he was scared, he whispered that he didn't feel like he could do this. And then, again, I followed AKTodd's advice and gave him the longest hug and told him that everything was going to be okay and that I'd always be there for him no matter what and that I love him. He just nodded and didn't really say anything. Maria came and we got some food, which we brought back to her place. So we ate there and talked about all kinds of random things.

    I asked him if he wanted to tell her but he just shook his head and said he couldn't do it (he was pretty pale and looked really scared). I tried to hold his hand under the table but he just pulled his away :/ Anyways, so I started talking. I surprisingly enough wasn't that nervous. Anyway, I basically told her "you might have guessed something's up, but I don't think you know everything so there's something we need to tell you. We've been together since November. We're in love, and I'm happier than I've ever been." At first she didn't react at all and I got really scared, but then she smiled the biggest smile and said she was so happy for us and that we make a cute couple :slight_smile: She was surprised, but not in a bad way. She told us she'd suspected I had feelings for Martin for almost a year (due to the way I'd been acting around him) but she had no idea he felt anything for me. We then told her a very simplified version of how we became a couple.

    Martin's phone rang and while he went and answered his phone, Maria said she'd pretty much known I wasn't straight for years. I asked her how she'd known and she said I'd given off some vibes. She said it wasn't that obvious, but she'd suspected it pretty much since we dated because I never seemed attracted to her (which I now realize I wasn't).

    When me and Martin walked home, he told me he loves me. That's the first time he's ever used the l-word so that was pretty big for me :grin:

    Anyways, everything went really well and I'm so glad we decided to come out to her. I feel relieved now that it's not a complete secret anymore.

    I haven't talked to Martin about coming out to my family yet; I'm planning on doing that tonight since he'll be going away on Saturday to celebrate Christmas with his family.
     
    #94 blueskies, Dec 19, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2013
  15. AKTodd

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    Congratulations! Really happy for the both of you :grin:

    You sound like you're feeling pretty good (and you should be). How is Martin doing? Did Maria's positive reaction lower his tension level?

    Todd
     
  16. blueskies

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    He seems to be doing really well, too :grin: He was so happy when we got back home and he did seem less tense. Now I'm just waiting for him to come back from the gym then I'm going to ask him if it's okay for me to come out over the holidays.
     
  17. mav96213

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    I'm really glad to hear that it went well with Maria, so cool! I hope this first "positive" response helps Martin to relax a bit, and also helps him with on his own personal "acceptance". Being able to tell yourself that it's "OK" to love someone of the same gender is sometimes a really difficult thing (so remember, give him a lot of time and understanding as he travels down that road). Also, I know you really want to tell your family, but don't be too surprised if Martin is not all that comfortable with it yet. Telling family (even yours) may be a really big deal for him, one he "may" not be ready for. I could be wrong, but just don't be surprised if he's not ready. Be patient and give him lots of time.

    I'm so happy for the both of you; it's nice to hear about success stories....
     
  18. DrkRayne

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    OMG OMG I feel like a fangirl!!!!!

    I've been following this thread for a while and its just like AWESOME!!! I love this story! So freaking cute!
    I'm so happy for your guys!!!!! eek!! okay okay :slight_smile:
     
  19. NoClue

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    :icon_bigg glad everything went well! I had a feeling Maria wouldn't react negatively to the news and I'm sure it's such a relief to have someone you both can be totally comfortable around.

    Keep us posted!!!
     
  20. WhiteShadows

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    :grin:
    I'm really glad he's been able to experience a positive reaction from someone. I think it will help him feel safer about who he is :slight_smile:

    (*hug*)
     
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