I need help, I'm so confused.

Hmm. Depends on what you can already do, and what you like to do.

It's hard sometimes to find exercises that don't make you dysphoric. I don't run because boobs....and swimming is fine but the swimsuits are a nightmare situation.

For me, I walk and ride my bike, if it's warm enough I ride to a nearby playground and I swing and they have this weird obstacle course I do sometimes. I'm short and so I can sometimes do the monkey bars too.

I started doing this as anger management. I'm a very angry person, who doesn't want to express that to people, so I go and run around like a spaz for an hour, and then I come back feeling mellow and happy.

 

Weightlifting isn't too good anyway. In my opinion, it can get dangerous, and guys who do it and don't work on their legs look ridiculous anyway.

Swim suits are awful. Really just terrible.

I get in aggressive "out of my way or die" moods. And then I just need to get out and walk around or do some form of exercise.

Start off slow then. If you want to not do too much, then you could try going for a set time. Depending on what you're doing.

---------- Post added 21st Apr 2015 at 04:10 PM ----------

Hiking is pretty good. So is childcare.

 

Haha, it's okay,I was kidding. Though it does involve a lot of running and lifting. Most of my friends don't like kids.

Ugh, the gym...the evil changing rooms of doom where old ladies walk around wearing not enough, and the old men who think it's perfectly okay for them to wear shorts that are way too short.

---------- Post added 21st Apr 2015 at 04:33 PM ----------

I may not be the best person to give advice about exercise though, I pretty much just run around like a crazed wild animal until I calm down or get hungry and then I go home.

^Honesty^

---------- Post added 21st Apr 2015 at 04:56 PM ----------

Sorry, I have to go now.

Good luck with your schoolwork Jayson.

 

From what I read, taking e blockers are not cheap.

Wow you guys post a lot, and I have no idea where to jump in. High school was 5 years ago for me, and even that is fuzzy. I was great at history and English, enjoyed those classes a lot. Science was enjoyable a lot but I'm not all that great at it, mostly because my Math skills are below par. I remember at 16 I wanted to get a job and my mom refused saying that I needed to focus on my school work since I was failing just about everything. Around that time I was going through a huge depression. I'm not sure what caused the depression either. I figured it was because of abusive stuff I went through at my dads, but now I'm pretty sure that isn't it. I just remember hating everyone, everything, and myself the most. I had actually planned on getting a job and dropping out of high school, but my friends talked me out of it. I didn't plan on college, I didn't see the point. My school had a horrible education and I was certain I was to stupid for college. Then after I graduated I decided I wanted to go to major in creative writing, but my grades were to low to get into the local Uni. I have completely screwed up in the education department, and on to that I have had no luck in finding a job.

I really don't exercise at all, I'm so self-conscious. I actually love to run but I don't because I'm rather top heavy, I will walk occasionally and been meaning to start back up again. I love swimming but absolutely hate the swim suites. They show to much and and..I just hate them >__< My plan is investing in some boy swim trunks and a t-shirt to swim in.

I'm think of following this for exercising. This person also has fitness guide for losing weight as he says getting down to 15% body weight before transition helps give a androgynous body that helps one pass as male easier.

Kids get on my nerve as well, I have a 6 year old nephew. He loves me and I love him, but all that screaming/whining/crying just get on my nerves. I didn't plan on having kids before, but after he was born I really swore to never have kids.

Does anyone have an estimate of how much exactly it would cost to transition? Th money part is having me quite depressed.

 

My dad was that way. I HAD to get straight A's, which I never did. My grades were always average. So due to that he called me the disappointment and the retard of his family. He always had this idea in his head that his daughter would be smart, pretty, popular, and pretty much a cheerleader. I was none of those things.

I'm currently a DD. IT IS HORRIBLE. I hate them so much -__-.

America isn't known for helping it's students to much when it comes to education after high school. I can apply for a Pell Grant, and that should cover me getting a certificate in something. But I have friends going to 4 year Uni and are currently setting in $27,000 ( 18049.27 pounds I think) debt from loans and scholar ships.

My nephew loves me to because I will wrestle with him and play tag and soccer. He reminds me of how I was when I was kid lol. I use to pick up bugs and chase girls with them because I thought it was funny how they were scared of bugs. Though these days I am terrified of bugs as well. My nephew has actually been telling my brother that he wants to wear a dress, and my brother gets this look of disapproval on his face. Though to be honest I think my nephew is just going through a phase.

That actually does help. This person's insurance covered some of theirs, lucky person, and it was back in 2008 so the prices might be different. Hormones not as expensive as I thought. Thanks for the link
what I found about transitioning in the UK. Might help you

I actually looked online to see if my insurance was on the list of companies that offers to cover SRS, and it was, though I still not sure if I am covered. I will have to talk to my mom about it, since I have CIGNA through her till I am 25 (just two more years)
I do want bottom surgery but I think that is something that will have to wait a while and I should just focus on hormones and top surgery for now.

 

This might sound like a strange and random question but have you ever felt jealously towards transgender people? Before you were out. Like just before you started seriously questioning yourself

I mean before I was 14 and knew what what transgender-ism (not a word I know) was I thought they were just cross-dressers because you would see drag queens on tv. No one ever told me or explained to me what it was, and I don't think they really knew either. I use to be jealous of them because they were brave enough to dress and act like they wanted.

Then I realize what they were. I wouldn't say I was jealous at all. I guess the first reaction was confused. sort of "You can become the opposite sex?" and I was just left thinking about how many times I had wanted that, but I always thought that girls wanted to be boys at some point. I mean by this point I was having dreams were I was a guy, steamy dreams and dreams were I was doing regular things, but I had never really day dreamed as myself as a guy, I didn't think it was possible to become a guy. Then I was wondering if I was trans, which left me wondering how a person knew if they were a boy or a girl. I had never really felt 'girlish' in my life but did that mean I was a guy.

After that I just sorted feel into my depressed genderless phase. I didn't like myself and I didn't like my body. I had moments where I just wanted to destroy what was in the mirror and start from scratch, and always I knew I would restart as a boy. I wasn't really aware of LGBT issues at the time. I heard things hear or there but for the most part I was clueless.

Then when I started questioning myself again I started following a lot of LGBT pages on facebook, and I would read about trans issues. At the time I was still thinking "I can't really be trans. So I like looking like a boy...that doesn't mean anything. Plenty of girls dress and act like boys and you don't see them opting for a sex change." Which kind of had me thinking about, if they weren't thinking about then why was I? Why had I become so obsessed with this, with answering that one question. I actually put it out of my mind for a little bit. Kind of went through a short phase were I just slept a lot, nothing really interested me. I wasn't happy with the reflection in the mirror so much either. I would look at how my face had a boyish quality, how I was 5'9 and this to tall for a girl, how I was big boned and big breasted. I felt like my body started out female and at some point realized it was making a mistake and tried to back track, a little to late I might add. It confused me how the features I had suddenly fallen in love with months earlier were suddenly the things I hated again. I wasn't girl enough anymore. I tried putting on some of my more girlish shirts and pants, the ones I bought after losing weight and feeling confident that I was good looking for once. I then realized they were cargo capris and tee-shirts that happen to fit tight. They were girly by a boy's standards, but tomboy-ish by other standards. I didn't like how low the V-neck went, how much of my boobs they showed off. I hated bringing attraction to my boobs. So I threw them back in the closet and wore my plain old uni-sex t-shirts. Around this time I would find the questions "Should I of been a boy?" "am I a boy?" "am I transgendered?" popping up in my head a lot. I didn't know how to answer the questions. I was brought up a girl, everyone say me as a girl, I always tried to act like a girl and fit in. How was I suppose to know what a boy feels like? Don't they feel like everyone else? Like human? The only thing that separated girls and boys is the appearance and the societies views of what a boy and girl should act like. Would I rather be a boy than a girl? Do I feel like I should been born a boy? Yes to both those questions. If I could wake up and be the opposite sex would I take the chance?....I don't know. If I was worked into gradually then yes. I'm not the kind of person to like sudden change. If I sudden wake up and I am a biological boy the I might freak out at first, but worked into it...Yeah that would be great.
I remember during this time of questioning I use to feel so jealous of trans people I read about. They seemed so sure. They seemed like they had always known. They knew what it was like to be a boy or a girl, and I didn't. I only know that I have always wished to be a boy. I felt so jealous that they knew with certainty that they were born into the wrong body.
I wonder if any of these thoughts make me less trans. After all, who would be jealous of a trans person. All the money they have to spend to reach their goal. How badly they can be treated...Who would want that life......Is it wrong that I do...Not for the hardship, but because then I can be a boy...I have forgotten for how long I have viewed myself as a gay guy, much longer than I have accepted myself as trans. At first I had meant the gay guy thing as a joke, but at some point I realized it was the truth. I felt like I gay guy. I get frustrated with the fact that even though I feel so certain at times, I still get so confused.
sorry I needed to ramble and get this off my head. It was bothering me and keeping me awake

 

Jumping back in.

Nope, no falling grades for me. My current lowest grade is a 93%, so I should be good. Just pressure, mostly from myself. But my mother doesn't go crazy praising me either, last year I got a perfect score on my science final, and I was excited, and I told her and she said "okay....good". Thank you mother.

I have scholarships and depending what I choose to go into, I may qualify to get a grant as well. My mother knows a lot about financial aid.

I'm a large D. And it's especially bad because I have a pretty small frame. This is my worst point of dysphoria. Other "girls" weren't a C cup at 14 or so, and so people would make comments. :***: :tantrum:

Top surgery is something I wanted before it was even something I knew was a real thing. I just knew I wanted the damn things gone.

Little kids and old people just corner me wherever I go, so, I just learned to like it. And I'm good at getting babies to sleep for some reason, so parents suddenly don't care that I wear what are obviously men's clothes.

 

I feel ya there. I remember wow most girl's in 4th grade were still rather flat chested I had noticeable bumps and some boys in the hallway would always yell out "got milk" which both pissed me off and made me feel ashamed. By time I was 14 I was a large C and by time I was 15 I had crossed into a D. I remember my aunt telling my mom I would make some guy very happy ... That made me feel even more awkward because all I could think of at that time was getting rid of them.
I also wanted to get a hysto the minute that I learned what it was. I could not, and still can not, imagine having a period for the majority of my life.
I always thought all girls thought like this.

I go on youtube and I watch videos of FtMs and get excited because I could look like that one day. Half the time I feel like a young teenage boy just waiting to hit puberty. But then afterwards I will be laying on the couch and start having doubts again. Why does there always have to doubts

 

That would be like a 7 year phase right? I am of the mind that you are not going through a phase. At 16 I was the same way. I hated myself and everything so much. This might rub the wrong way, but as a teenage your hormones are all over the place, you will be more emotional and temperamental than someone older, this applies to both girls and boys. Now that being said, that does not mean you are going through a phase. Gender is something a person has usually established by the time they are 5. I think the reason why so many transgender people start feeling off around the ages of 7-9 is because that is when puberty starts and the body starts developing past that ambiguous stage. It is at that point that we begin to realize that there is something wrong with us.
Some do grow out of it, or learn to accept the role assigned to them. Others continue to feel out of phase their whole life but just live with it. And then some transition.

I was told my whole life that I would wake up one day and my 'tomboy' ways would be gone and I would love being female. I am 23 and am still waiting for that to happen. I can honestly say that I do not like 1 thing about being female. If I could be reborn I would so be a boy. I also understand that to an extent I do feel like a girl to a degree, mostly because I've experience girl things like lugging around sacks of fat called boobs, and having periods. I do like some girl things, but I still feel like the largest part of me should are male.

As far as God goes, I am thoroughly nonreligious. There might be a god, there might not. But I don't think you are being punished for being born. people aren't born to simply be punished. Instead of thinking of all the things you hate about yourself find some things you like about yourself, could be as simple as the color of your eyes. Or think about the fact that you can at some point in your life change how your body looks to better fit how you feel on the inside. This is what I do when I start feeling down.

 

Believe me, I understand the whole to many bad things happening. High school was a fit of me being depressed, being bullied, not having any friends till 10th grade, and just hating for myself for reasons I couldn't understand. Then things actually start going well and BOOM I start having to pee every 5 minutes which makes it hard to sit through a 90 minute class. That started six years of medical issues. I had a caffeine sensitivity, an over active bladder, gallstones that required my gallbladder removed when I was 18. Would spend 3 years in pain every time I ate after that, the worst part of it being that everyone saying most of the pain was in my head and that I needed to suck it up. It took landing in the hospital to make them realize how bad it was. Thankfully my doctor diagnosed me with Celiac Disease as well as Rheumatoid Arthritis. I had to go on a gluten free diet. I find it funny that me questioning my gender happened these last few months when my health is actually doing really well. It is that I have either always felt this way about myself and my ill health helped me not to think about it to much, or I really am crazy and just looking for something to be wrong.

I did not go to prom. I thought about it going. Look at some dresses, I thought they were real pretty dresses, and I really wanted people to think I was attractive as well, but I just really hated the thought of wearing a dress. To be honest the thought of becoming a girly girl was always something i went BLAGH at. I hated being associated with anything girly girl. It took me in till November to cut my hair short. I had my hair cut to my shoulders when I was 12 but my dad got so pissed at me that he locked me in my room for two days, my brother had to sneak me in a sandwich in the middle of the night. I got it cut short again in 9th grade when i was in JROTC, but the lady who cut it did it in such a girly fashion that I just wanted to hide under a hood, I also thought it made my head a look really small.
I only wanted to wear makeup as kid because I thought that if I didn't then it meant I was weird. All the other girls in my class wore make up and I felt like I was missing out. I felt like there was a class that thought people how to be girly and that I had somehow missed out on it. But when my mom finally bought me a starter makeup kit I ended up using it to paint on black eyes and fake scratches xD
I was told how my aunt use to be a tomboy. She actually use to sit on the toilet backwards so that she could pretend she was peeing standing up and she would fight with the neighborhood boys and ride her bike all over the countryside as well as climb trees. I remember I wanted to be just like that, but I never achieved that level of tomboy-ness. She did grew out it when was a teenager though.
My aunt and uncle keeping saying they can hook me up with a nice man, and I always end up feeling awkward because I usually feel so much like a gay man that I'm certain that having a thing with a straight guy just can't happen. I also feel uncomfortable dating anyone I haven't had time to get to know as a friend first.

Hmm, you don't have to transition right now. You can go to Uni first. For now you can just experiment with hair and clothing. You don't have to tell them that you are trans but you can at least explain to your parents that they need to stop pressuring you into being a girly girl. It's not who you are and it hurts you when they try to make you that way. I know it might be difficult but it might be best to wait to make any plans for transitioning in till you are 18 and of legal age.

 

I hope you don't mind my butting in, but I was reading this thread and can't help but be amazed by how exactly the things you each talk about match up with myself—just, in the reverse direction, `cause I'm MtF—but that just makes it more inspiring to me, that the experience is the same even thought you guys are guys. Pardon me, but I never made a connection with someone else before, so I'm a bit excited about this. I'm sure you all know the whole there's people like me! I'm not alone! feeling. It somehow only just occurred to me today that I could go look for a forum to join...

Personally, I just cannot understand what people interested in men see in them; I feel like men are just repulsive. Granted, yeah, I love people like my father and such, but I fail to enjoy associating with other boys. And I wish I were born a girl for the very same kinds of reason you wish to be boys. We're different, but also the same—I feel like I completely understand what you're saying here. And even the things not specifically related to gender, like the pressure to get straight-A's in school and the mum who drunkenly tells you how she REALLY feels about you—all of it, I've gone through it, too.
And the doubts, oh how those plague me. I long to transition, but I'm frustrated by the prospect of totally changing my relationships with my friends and family and the costs and things, like you said, Jayson. It sucks to be torn like this.

I just felt like I needed to put that out there. Different perspective, same outlook.

 

I don't mind at all, that's kind of the point of EC, to connect people, because it helps so much to not feel alone.

It's great to find those people that you can really relate to.

I feel the same way about women! Just don't see why people like that. It may have something to do with the years of self-loathing for my own female body, but I don't know. I mean, I don't dislike women, I'm friends with some, just don't see it.

Doubt is one of the worst parts. I let it consume me for a while once. Never again.

Welcome to EC!

 

HEY READ THIS

This little article has made me feel so much better. So glad someone could put into words how I feel.

And hey new person I'm not the owner of this thread but I'm glad you stopped by New friends are always nice no matter what gender they are.

I was going to say I can kind of understand why someone would want to be girl but then I realized my train of thought had to do with "Not all the clothing is that bad." it preplexes me why someone would actively seek out being a woman, but if that is who you feel you are then I can totally 100% accept that.

I use to considered myself agender as a child because I didn't recognize gender within myself, but now I kind of realize that I was more gender blind than anything else. I didn't hang out with people due to their gender but to their hobbies and interest. It just so happen that most of my interest were boyish with a dash of girl mixed in.......where was I going with this?

The way I look at my doubts...They are there, they are plaguing me night and day, weaving their way into my dreams. I've already told my best friend and she is really supportive. I've also told my mother. But I'm afraid of how the rest of my family will take it. That they'll spit out the dreaded "it's just a phase." Or as my brother put it "some people say they are trans just because they want to be different." Which makes me want to smack him. Or "You're to feminine to be a guy." which just crushes my spirits, because I can be one hell of a cute girly boy at times...But in the end I can feel it deep down that I will transition at some point in my life, and I rather be in when I am in my 20s. I stand the chance of having more to lose if I wait later on in life. If I had known earlier in life maybe I could of prepared for when I hit 18 and could of started HRT. I have my doubts, but I am certain my doubts won't stop me. I would have a livable future if I don't transition but I can't see it being a happy one because I will always be plagued by the big what if. What sucks worse than doubts about the future are the regrets of the tomorrow we choose not to take. I've let fear of others judgement stop me from doing so much and I'm finally putting my foot time. I don't want to lose my family so all I can do is hope they accept me.

 

Well thank you for welcoming me! :^)

I'd like to smack him too for that comment, but I'm not a violent person, so that doesn't come naturally to me . . . plus I don't know him, eh-heh. Still, violent or not, ignorant comments like that tick me off. You can want to be an individual and that's all jolly good, but that's something that happens in the mind. The need to be in a different body is something deeper, something from the heart, and that is not a product of wanting to be unique. They are two completely different things. And even with people who want to transition for reasons other than the dysphoria, I have faith that only the most miniscule percentage (if any) of them are shallow enough to claim to be trans just to be "different."

Yeah, gender-blind... I feel like that's who I naturally was as a little kid, but the people who surrounded me just forced the binary standards upon me. I never liked hanging out with the boys, always gravitated more toward the girls, and bullies singled me out for it. The "sitting in a tree" song and all of that nonsense. Then there was my mother, who for fifteen years was always trying to get me to come clean about who my "girlfriend" was. And I would always insist that they were just friends who were girls, and she would frown and say I should make friends with the boys. Most of my life, I was pushed into this boy mold, and I think that really hindered my social development. Because the more time I spent with boys, I more I came to dislike them and the more insecure I got about myself.

I guess I could try to explain my perspective more, but I feel like it wouldn't make much difference to you, because we go opposite directions. The important thing I think is what you already said, CadutiMorte, which is that we totally accept each other. I can't say I understand your reasons, but I can say that I sympathize with them.

 

I am a naturally violent person xD I don't know if that is the boy in me or just some other thing.
I'm surprised that he says that, he picked on a lot as well at school for being the smart kid. He would sleep in class and still get straight A's and a lot of people picked on him for it. But then my brother is the type of person who likes to be an asshole and enjoys pissing people off.
No one wants to be 'different' at least not in this way, though every one would like to make a difference.

Omg the "sitting in a tree" song. I hated that thing so much.

I've always gravitated towards the male side of things, and you have always gravitate towards the female side of things. And plenty of people do this and are not trans. So I always ask myself, why can't I be like them? Why can't I like the more masculine things in life and still be female? And the answer is simple: Because I don't want to. I do not like feeling like a masculine female, not even a slightly masculine female. And that is how society views me. I get so anxious when I have to go out into the public. I feel like I am always being watched and judged, and that makes me all to aware of the parts of my body that I hate.
The fact of the matter is I feel like a very effeminate guy. I like feeling like that, I want society to view me like that. When I hang out with my friends who are girls I want to be seen as the gay best friends. I want to appear as an attractive male, and yeah I might have days where I feel rather feminine or girl, but I still want to be seen as a guy.

And I can only assume that it is the same for you. You know there is nothing wrong with being a male who likes hanging with girls and doing girl things. But that isn't how you feel or want to be viewed, right?

As for being pushed into molds...I understand all to well. I keep expecting someone to say "Well, you're this way because you were forced to act like a girl." but I think that the fact that I had to 'act like a girl' should say a lot about. Most cis gender people don't have to act like their birth gender, they just are.

I'm probably not making to much sense :/

Sooo, shall we call you by female pronouns? not trying to be rude just want to get it straight.