I need help, I'm so confused.

I don't think I'm going to last much longer in the closet.

My mother is one of those "there is a problem, what are possible solutions?" people, and so I think I'll come out to her and try to get her to order me a binder. Not today, but soon. I'm nervous, but I have to tell her at some point.

Sorry, this is off-topic, but I had to tell someone.

 

No, I haven't shopped with her in a long time, but she was never mean about it, but she just assumed that I would wear women's clothes.

The few times more recently I've needed to get pants for pictures, I just marched over to the men's section and picked a pair out, and she didn't act weird about it.

She's come this far, I'm hoping she'll do okay when I tell her.

---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2015 at 01:14 PM ----------

Fingers crossed. But I do have a plan in case my family freaks out.


I hope in the future, no teenager will have to have a plan like that.

 

We can do it. because we can't let our lousy hand ruin our whole lives.

Bye.

---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2015 at 01:41 PM ----------

Surgery for me, is not something I want to think about at the moment. I know that I want to pursue that in the end, but right now I don't want to think about it too much, because it is currently unattainable.

I just cannot go another summer having to wear a girls swimsuit. Cannot do it. Have to tell her before we go to the waterpark this summer. Feeling oddly calm about it right now.

 

Thinking it over, I probably won't transition right now, though maybe in the future.
For now it is simply enough to know there is a reason for how I am. My dysphoria isn't all that bad and I think wearing boy's clothes will help.
Even though I feel like a boy I don't mind being seen as a girl either

 

I haven't checked out of the conversation! I just got home from school, and my school has this awfully spotty internet connection and an awful block when it is connected, so I couldn't return to the site all day.

The clothes conversation interests me, because in the area that I live, and indeed a lot of the surrounding towns, it's a completely normal thing for a girl to wear boys clothes. I see lots of people I don't know doing, but also my sister wears a lot of clothes I give to her, and I even have a friend who wears boys boxers. (Never see a boy wearing girls clothes though, which frustrates me) You should all move to Connecticut! xD

If you're interested in binding, I've heard there is a way to do it by wearing a sports bra backwards... maybe I can find a link to share... here's one. Okay, so you actually need two, but maybe this is a feasible alternative to buying the actual binder? Just an idea.

And nice work with the badge idea!! I was grinning at my computer as I read that—good idea! I don't have that kind of system at my school that I could use to play off as a joke. I kind of just rely on strangers who unintentionally say things that make me start beaming. I was at a writing seminar once and when the guy running it asked me my name, I for some reason hesitated slightly. He caught it and immediately joked about whether I was sure that I knew my own name. Carrying the joke onward, he declared that I look like an Erica, and by sheer serendipity, that became my name for the day, and I felt fantastic about it. The most frequent instance, though, is when a girl comes up to me and compliments my hair (which I keep long) and tells me that I would be a pretty girl. That gives me the best feeling ever, to have a total stranger say that to me. Just thinking about it now has me grinning ridiculously xD

And there was some post way back on page three... oh, the pronouns! Well, on various websites, I started selecting the female option for gender rather than male, but I've never actually used the feminine before when it comes to communication irl. I've thought about it before, but I always end up forgetting when the opportunity comes up to use it. I'm just so accustomed to using the masculine my whole life that I don't notice. But I definitely notice when I'm referred to as 'she' and I get a positive feeling from it rather than a neutral-ish one . . . short answer, it'd please me much more to be referred to as 'she'~

 

I think maybe I'm just afraid. I kind of want to explore every avenue before jumping head first into transitioning. Clothes are the obvious way to start, but even then I have a problem....I do love some female clothes I truly do, but I also have this mad love for male clothes, especially the suits. I mean look at this. I love that I want to rock that.
But then I see things like this and think, "oh that is cute, I would wear that." But then I remember even though I am female I don't have the body type to pull that look off. Especially not the short shorts, to much cellulite, to much flabby skin left from weight lose. And then I see a similar outfit this angle and I don't like it...at all. The way the shirt fits over the boobs, the fit of the jeans.
Gender isn't the clothes we wear. I know that, which is why I decided to say fuck society and wear whatever I feel like wearing. Those girl jeans with that boy shirt and hat, or boy shorts and a girl top, still that boy hat (I have a things for fedoras). I plan to start doing this and see where it goes, but then I think about my body. I get jealous of girls who have naturally small hips and boobs. There are days where I imagine myself small bones and thin, really small breast and really small hips. I can fit into cute out fits, or wear boys clothes and pull off any looks. And other days I find myself thinking of myself like this. I would love to have a body like this.
I just sit there thinking, am i boy or am I girl? and in the end would it even matter?
I know people call this gender fluid, but I have no idea how to deal with it.
guess i'm just weird, and I seem to be plaguing everyone with my problems.

 

Hmm, I know it's not the same, but I will occasionally have a random urge to wear things like a frilly short skirt. For no apparent reason, and those are usually the days I feel more masculine.

I too am currently at "fuck society".

 

"Fuck society" seems a healthy attitude to have honestly.
For some people societies binary roles are good enough, but for others it can be demoralizing and just pointless and stupid.
I have no adopted the attitude that I will just do whatever for now, and if I find I need to transition I will
first order of business, hitting the gym.

 

I'm going to do whatever I want, just like I pretty much always have.

I've been writing stuff down, and I'm going to come out to my mother soon.

Wish me luck.

 

Ugh! I posted this large reply yesterday and it disappeared! X^(

Maybe I can quickly remember and summarize what I wrote...

If you're interested in binding, I've heard of a method using two sports bras. Found instructions here. Maybe this is a feasible alternative to buying real binders?

Pronouns... I've used the masculine all my life and am just accustomed to it, but it does please me when people refer to me with feminine pronouns~

And yesterday morning I think there was a conversation going on about wearing boys clothes in general... I thought it was interesting, because where I live, and in all of the surrounding towns, it's completely normal for girls to wear boys clothes (though never the other way around -_-). My sister does, I see lots of strangers doing it, and I even have a female friend who wears boys boxers. Maybe you should all move to CT!

Love the badge idea! We don't have a system like that at my school that I can use to play off a gender switch as a joke, though in the past I once for some reason hesitated when a teacher asked me my name, and before I could speak, he right away said, "You don't know you're own name? Well, I think you look like an Erica." And that was my name for the day ;^)

And I'm sorry if you thought I'd checked out of the thread—I haven't! It's just that my internet at home and school is extremely spotty and at school, we also have an internet block that randomly turns on and off when you least expect it. I'm still here!

 

Okay, good to hear from you again.

Yeah, for me I don't know if that kind of environment would help though, because it's not unheard of for girls to wear guy's clothes, and no one usually says anything. But I don't want people to think I'm a girl in guy's clothes.

But that would be better in general, gender roles like that hurt cis people too.

Just hurts more if you're not cis.

 

Yeah, I live in an area where it isn't uncommon for young girls and teenagers to wear boy's clothing. It's the South girls here are all a little bit tomboyish, people just call it being country because most people are expected to like to hunt and things like that. But once they hit adulthood most are expected to trade in boy's clothes for girl clothes.

I actually don't own any sports bras and never have. Growing up my dad refused to let me wear them, still have no idea why. I just remember the first time I saw someone wearing one. This little race in town and some women ran buy in one, and I got all excited because they were running without a shirt on and I wanted to that too. It always upset me that my brothers could go around with theirs shirts off and I couldn't. So I told my dad I wanted a sports bra so I could do that too and he told me only whores ran around like that. My dad was kind of obsessed with tell me that I would grow up to be either a whore or a lesbian, or both.
I also remembered at one time I wanted to wear boxers and my dad said no because it was only for boys. Then after I had moved in with my mom I saw they made little boxer shorts for girls and I wanted to buy some, but then I stopped myself because I thought people would think it meant I wanted to be a boy. All through middle school and high school I was obsessed with the thought that people would think I was trying to be a boy, though this only started after I fist learned about transgender-ism. I would wear one piece of boy's closing and then just go around thinking to myself "i'm not trying to be a boy, i'm not trying to be a boy." I'm trying to decided if I truly thought that or if I was just in denial. Problem is my bad memory doesn't help.

I remember when we had to fill out these little papers for classes at the beginning of the school year, The basic stuff our teachers wanted to know. And there was a spot label 'Name you wish to be called.' And I just hovered over it for a few minutes. I had no idea I could choose I name other than Stacy, so I was running through names in my head. I knew there was a girl named Alex in my class and I had loved how she had a boy(ish) name and had been jealous of her. I thought it was such a cool name...But I was't a boy so I was sure I couldn't use that. So I thought about Nikki, since I was called that a lot while growing up (my middle name is Nicole), but in the end I just left the spot blank.

Right now I think genderfluid is describing me best, and I feel bad because I keep flopping around the gender spectrum.

 

Personally, I wish I started transitioning earlier, like, while I was still in my early teens. I wish I knew all of this stuff earlier. I'm a bit jealous of younger people getting it together or even knowing this stuff. I never heard of the words transgender or even heard of what gay meant until I was 19...

 

I feel ya there Cedar.
I wasn't really aware what any of it was till I was in my early teens, and didn't have a full grasp on transgender till I was in my twenties. I wish I had started exploring this in my teens

 

I agree. Well, I guess I am still a teen, but it would have been so much better if I had known about these things back when I was an early teen, like back when I'd just entered high school rather than now when I'm about to leave it. Maybe then it would've been easier to come out, as opposed to having already built this façade around myself which I now need to deconstruct.

 

I didn't feel like posting this anywhere else, but it is very likely I will come out to my mother today or tomorrow.