I need help, I'm so confused.

I mean, I have a few memories of what could possibly be considered as dysphoria, but I don't ever remember thinking "I should have been born a boy" or anything, like many transpeople can recall. This was something I used to internally re-closet myself multiple times.

"you can't even remember anything like that, see? You're not trans, you're not genderfluid, you're just a girl who's confused and really hates their body for some unknown reason. No queer here. Nope"

 

Yeah, I understand that. I am still dealing with that right now. Everyone has a different story though. I've been re-closeting myself since I was 14 and first found out, but then I had that moment where I looked in the mirror and felt, and looked, so much like a boy that I couldn't ignore it any longer.
Am I one of the only ones to have a problem speaking about my tran-ness out loud, besides Jayson. I know he says he does.
Since I told her my mom has tried to talk to me about it, to learn more, and I just sort of freeze and feel like a deer caught in the headlights. Though I find it funny that her first question was about my sexual orientation, and I had to assure that I still very much attracted to men.

 

I don't feel entirely comfortable talking about it either, but while I'm not out to hardly anyone yet, I think it'd be uncomfortable because I feel like I won't be able to answer their questions. Because I have such a poor early memory, and because it going to bring up everytime I was made to do something because that's what "girls" were supposed to do.

For me, I identified as a gay guy before I identified as trans. I'm still wondering as to my reasoning behind that.

Learning about the early women's right's movement stuff, I thought that women should be treated equally, but I didn't feel personally upset about that, because I wasn't one of them.

Learning about the early gay right's stuff, I was very personally upset, and I felt a connection. "That's what I am", sort of thing.

 

Yes, yes, yes to all of that.
So many times that I did something because 'girls' were suppose to, even though I knew my family wouldn't of made me.

I also identified as a gay guy before I did as trans. It was as close to saying how I internally felt as I was going to allow myself. When I told my brother about how I felt like a gay guy he said that I was just one of those girls that was obsessed over gay people. Kinda pissed me off, but I also wondered if he was right and used that as another reason to keep myself in denial I guess. I would get very upset over wrongs committed to gay people, i felt like I myself was being insulted even though I was a 'straight girl'. It was really the most confusing thing for me.

I think women should be treated equal as well, but I never really got personally upset over it either. When I was told I couldn't do something because I was a girl I think I got more upset that they saw me as a girl. (pulling this from what few memories I have). I always hated being associated with girly things like pink, or dolls (even though I played with them), and just emotional crying. In elementary school I was the tough kid that started a fight when being bullied instead of crying like some of the girls in my class did. But then I moved to a new school and kind of became the quite kid who sat in the back of the class and read. I didn't really cared if people picked on me unless they picked on because of my boobs, which actually happened a lot. Its like they knew my one weakness, the part about myself that I hated the most.

 

I thought I was one of those girls too, until I realized that I wanted to be part of a gay couple. And I started reading gay fanporn, :icon_redf and if I accidentally clicked on a straight story, I'd be freaked out and completely turned off. Just seeing the word "breasts" would do it. ....And I cannot believe that I just admitted that.

I can remember, when I was little, maybe 6 or 7, I went to the dentist, and they had different colored dentist chairs. The hygienist told me to sit in the pink chair, I was always a perfect angel at the dentists office, and I freaked out and basically screamed at her that I hated pink, and marched myself over to the blue chair and sat down.

 

Yeah, that age sucks anyway, but is like 1000x worse if you're trans.

 

Yep. So much schoolwork, maintaining a social life of some sort, figuring out my gender identity, dealing with dysphoria, dealing with emotional issues that may actually be unrelated, figuring out how to tell my family and friends, having a job, oh, and visiting colleges.


.....no pressure. None at all.

 

Not to mention the frequent bouts of self-doubt as to whether I'm really trans or not.


Life may be good, but it sure as hell ain't easy.

 

I have to get straight A's as well, to maintain my GPA and make sure I can keep all of my scholarships. My mother expects nothing less from me. I don't normally get bad grades, but it's still hard, especially because I work sporadic hours that frequently get called in last minute.

Oh, I call that "The weekend". Kidding, I call it "an all-nighter".

Where I am it's a little before 3 in the afternoon right now. The sun is out, but it's still chilly.

---------- Post added 21st Apr 2015 at 03:00 PM ----------

Yes. I used to tell myself I wouldn't even go to college because I wasn't smart enough.


I'm really nice to myself.

 

Yeah, I'm supposed to be doing my Biology lab. Technically I am, but I'm also posting here.

Homework sucks.

 

:dry: I hate having to write stuff, more than I hate taking any sort of test. Especially writing for my Lit class. My Literature teacher is pure evil.

 

My Literature class quizzes and everything that's not worth major points:

"what is the title of the book you read?"

Anything worth a significant amount of points:

"Ignore the book completely, based off this tiny paragraph about a grocery store, how would you say the author feels about their mother?"

---------- Post added 21st Apr 2015 at 03:29 PM ----------

I love to write, just not for school. I freeze up.

Independent fiction writing just for myself I can do.