I need help, I'm so confused.

Hey new friend, welcome, I love meeting people on here that I can connect with. I'm sorry to just ignore the previous posts, but what I may have had to add has been said already so I'm just gonna move on.

I did something crazy at school today.

You see I'm the Deputy Head Girl of my high school and one of my best friends is the Deputy Head Boy and I got him to switch badges with me as a joke, because he is really camp and people always joke that we each got the wrong badge. So while I was wearing it some of my friends noticed and I told them that I was Jayson and that my friend was Zara, and that they all should call me Jayson or Jay for the rest of the day. I don't know why I did it, I just felt gutsy and seriously I think it was the best decision I've had. It felt so natural. Sometimes people forgot the name or forgot about the trade and would call me Paige again, but my other friends would correct them and it just felt so good. I know it wasn't real and everyone thought it was a joke, but I just felt so happy as everyone was calling me by my name and it was so great. I can't begin to articulate how good I felt. I haven't traded my badge back yet so I might see if I can do it again tomorrow, though I'm kinda scared of risking it if I'm honest. But if you have that opportunity (though I don't know if you will, I only had it because I have a uniform and we have badges) I would really recommend trying it. You can play it off as a joke and experience what life could be like to some degree if you transitioned. Ah I'm smiling like an idiot at my screen, I probably look like a right nutter.

(!)(!)(!):icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg (!)(!)(!):eusa_danc:eusa_danc:eusa_danc

 

I feel so good right now and that's a shame, maybe you should try going somewhere where no one knows you and just tell people you're called Graham?

And that's brilliant! This has basically descended into that thread, lets be real. And I've been told I do gross boy things by my little sister before now. I'm happy for you man!

Ever since I posted this thread, and finally started referring to myself as male mentally, and today people referring to me as male out loud, I've felt happier. I'm still stressed because of work, but I'm so much happier.

 

I also don't have a binder. They're so expensive, and I was considering ace bandages, but apparently that's a big no no. I really want to try one to see if I'm comfortable with them. I don't know how I feel about changing my name properly. Paige is hardly a unisex name, but at the same time the idea of changing my name seems so, I don't know, final? Like I still have loads of doubts and stuff, and the idea of changing my name scares me. Maybe I should see a therapist :lol:

Yeah It has, but it's great. I think having somewhere to just talk is brilliant, which is why I like this website so much.

And yeah. Sometimes I forget and confuse myself though. It's hard, because I still have the general "but you're a girl" thought running through my mind when I do mentally call myself Jay. It's a working progress.

 

That's a good idea, if you still like your birth name and it doesn't give you dysphoria then it may make it easier on friends and family if they don't have to adjust to a new name as well as a new son/brother or male friend. And I won't I've read that they're bad, though I don't really get why they're so much worse than binders. Both of them compress your chest so I don't really see the problem.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what is your birth name? And I only recently heard about the trans community (like the last year or so) and I didn't even know it was a thing for girls. I thought only boys became girls because that's all I'd ever heard of. And I haven't been brave enough to ever try using a males toilet. I don't think I'm ready if I'm honest. Not with my hair the way it is.

 

Oh... Ok so not a chance of ace bandages then. I suppose same goes for duct tape then? I just wish binders were cheaper. I mean I'm 16 and I don't work so £35 isn't cheap. I don't wanna ask my parents, because my mum would probably be awkward about it and my step-dad would flip.

 

Yeah I see what you mean. It has become rather feminine, but if you're ok with it then you might as well keep it, unless it makes you dysphoric or upsets you. And still, I wouldn't have gone in even if it was a single, for fear that someone I knew saw me.

And yeah I thought so, I get why that's a no.

 

Yeah, I get that. I didn't know Tracy could be a guys name. And yeah it makes sense. And I could imagine. Getting it on and off would be a nightmare. Also that's a good idea, but I'd be so nervous that I wouldn't think of it like that.

For my cup size they range from £30-50 depending on type and level of compression. That isn't cheap for a broke teenage boy y'know?

Also, one of my biggest sources of dysphoria is I still like things that are considered girly. I still wanna do dancing for example, and I'm a musician and an actor. I'm good at writing which is also considered a feminine trait. I'm trying to make myself less effeminate, but I still want to do those things and it stresses me out. I feel like I'm not man enough, so therefore I'm not actually trans and then there's just a horrible spiraling self-doubt and hatred session. It's also another reason why I'm finding it hard to fully accept myself as a male.

 

I wish this was easier. That I could live somewhere were I was fully accepted. I feel so isolated and lonely.

---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2015 at 05:54 PM ----------

And it did. I felt great even though I still had a nagging thing at the back of my head saying "they don't take this seriously jay, they think its a joke" which was annoying.

 

Yeah I guess. It's amazing how quickly I've adapted to calling myself Jay. I though it'd take longer than this. I've only been doing it for what 2 days now? It just feels comfortable.