I need help, I'm so confused.

Best of luck to you! I hope she responds positively to it!

 

God I hope so. We'll see soon enough.

 

No. I started to earlier, but I just froze and couldn't even talk.

It went about like this: "hey.......mom......" *stares awkwardly in her direction*

Mom: "you been working on your paper"? *looking concerned because I'm acting weird*

I shook my head.

Mom: "You get distracted?"

"You could say that.
"I'm gonna sit down" I basically collapse on the couch, and by this point my heart is absolutely pounding, keep in mind that my heart rate is already just naturally faster than most people's, always has been, and it's just like *I WANT OUTTA HERE! RUN! RUN! RUN! GET OUT! DON'T DO IT!!!*
Mom: "You need some help?"

"....y-yes." (so much more than you know, and not just with the paper)



I thought I was ready. I was all calm before. But when I was trying to tell her, there was this intense wave of self-doubt. It was like I both physically couldn't talk and even if I could've, I felt like no matter what I said would've been wrong.

"Did that really happen? Was that real, or did you just imagine that? Was that a dream? are you sure?"


I'll do it before this summer, I've got to. I cannot wear a women's swimsuit another summer. I'll die.


But today is not the day. At least not so far. :| Oh well.

Maybe I should write her a letter or something like that, maybe that would be better.

For now I'm just going to calm down and try again another time.

I wish I didn't have to come out. But trying to get people to guess doesn't work, I've tried.

 

Writing it might be a good idea. That's how I plan to come out. It's the only way I think I'll be able to. I've always been better at expressing my thoughts through writing than through speaking in general, plus I want to be an author... my plan is that I'm writing a story where one of the main characters is meant to be a representation of myself, and I'm setting it up to slowly reveal how the characters feel and then at the end of the story draw the line connecting me to them, and I'll show this story to the people I want to tell. It's kinda indirect but it's the best I can muster.
Not everyone's a writer though... maybe just a simple handwritten letter would suit you better, Queero?

 

As a writer myself, that was my original plan. Write a story with a main character who for all intense and purposes was male and everyone saw him as such and he saw him as such as well, and then at the end I would put in the part where he use to be a shebody at one time, and then state his original name.

but in the end I just wrote a letter and messaged it to her in facebook

 

On days when I feel alright being girl I wonder if that is just me trying to convince myself that I am fine the way I am.
And I try to imagine myself as a guy, but then I wonder about what if I do decide to transition and just end up feeling like a girl who looks like a guy. Its all rather confusing

 

I'm a writer as well, actually. Mostly for me, some people like it. But that's not really the way I want to go about it for myself, personally.

Sorry for taking so long to reply, I've just been working and trying to not freak out/feel the feels again.

Right now, everything's just kind of....not really anything.

I was kind of panicked the other day, because my friend apparently told her mother about me, how much I don't know.

But I realized that there is no harm in that. As long as her mother doesn't tell everyone. If I discover later I'm something else, then I can just tell people that I was questioning then, and that now I'm ___.

And currently, I don't know what gender I feel. 'Cept I felt good when I looked almost flat-chested today in the mirror, and I felt like people perceived me as male(-ish) today, and it felt good, but not like OH YEAH! good, more like "oh, okay..." good.

 

Half the time when I talk to you I feel as though I am talking to myself xD It feels good to know that I am not alone in my feelings.
I've noticed that my more femme days are decreasing though I still have a lot of 'blagh' days and then I have days where I want to dress as guy.

I don't know how I would feel if someone actually took my a guy. It has only happened once and at the time I was beginning to question but at the same time to afraid to look into it. Was at the store and the lady goes "Here you go, son." And I was one step away from correcting her when I went 'wait, lets follow this and sees where it goes."

I think for some trans people who never had to much social dysphoria it might take time to get use to being called he, idk I haven't gotten around to asking people to call me by male pronouns yet. I'm scared I'll seem crazy.

And take as much time as you need to to post

 

Really? Nobody's ever said that before. Usually people don't get me, even when it's nothing to do with identity, just in general.

It's really only few and far between, because I don't yet have a binder and I have monstrous boobs. But I am also a master of disguise, and there's this one shirt that is magical and makes me appear to be pretty much flat. Magic. No other possible explanation.

No, they didn't use any pronouns, they didn't even talk to me. But I felt like they saw me as male-ish because I was with my female ace friend, and I pulled my voice lower, and I was wearing the magic shirt, and I was doing my walk, and I felt like people were watching us, like they thought we were together or something. This was at her church group. very awkward place for a possibly trans gay UU. Very awkward. They were talking about how you should convert your friends, and my friend doesn't want to convert me, but still, just no. I respect their beliefs, but I just think we should all respect that not every one is going to be the same as you, and that doesn't make them wrong. But they did give me chips. So hey, free chips. :icon_wink

And the cashier at goodwill put "men's" on my receipt, this may not seem like anything special, but the cashier will put men's or women's pretty much based off their perception of you. You could be buying men's cargo shorts, that are very obvious, but if the cashier perceives you as a girl, they will put women's on the receipt. :dry:

Or sometimes, if they perceive you as a child, you will get the kid's price on clothes. :icon_bigg

So yeah.

I probably will talk to her soon, and it will likely be completely fine, but yeah. It's hard.

 

I can understand the feels, I've been trying to talk to my mum about it but lately she has been using more female pronouns whenever she can or uses my birth name often. It slightly bothers me but I'm not at that stage where I'm 100% mentally saying, "Mum, I'm a guy, GAWD!" So it makes me wonder, does she understand? It worries me that this is what her reaction is, if she does. I've been thinking of writing a letter to her since I tend to express more in writing than in vocalizing. I'm very quiet when it comes to talking. I'm not much of a writer but it's better than me possibly getting stuck as I'm trying to talk.

 

Does anyone else ever wonder if they are crazy?

God, I hate this. When I am alone and just thinking to myself I am so that I am a guy. I just still there trying to imagine what I would look like as a guy. I get internally giddy and excited and just want to start the transitioning right away.

But the minute I try to talk to my mom about it I freeze. It doesn't help that she always has her back to me as she is playing her facebook games. She sent me a message on facebook saying she understands and that she isn't ignoring me, but I just feel that I can tell her and it will get me no where. I mean she already said I would have to pay for therapy and HRT and surgeries myself, but I have no job. I also want to go buy more guy clothing and some other stuff, but I would need her to take me (only one car in this family) and
And then I start feeling like i will be stuck as girl forever and I feel myself getting depressed.
Like I can't even look in the mirror and see a female anymore, I just see this boy, and I want to make him a man ;__: but is that the same as seeing myself as a male?

sorry i need it off my chest

 

I do wonder if I'm crazy, all the time.

When I look in my internal mirror, I see a scared, confused little boy.

I don't know what I will do now, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

And yeah, I think it is the same. You're seeing yourself as male, but in a small way. That's something.

 

In my internal mirror I just tend to be a fog xD
I was sitting there last night thinking "I wish I looked like Matt Bomer"

I don't think i can ever go back to being female, I don't even know how I managed it for 23 years.

 

I wonder if I'm crazy too. Part of this reason is that my mother yelled at me in the car two summers ago questioning my sanity and whether I had "problems." She doesn't remember, or she acts like it never happened, but I remember it vividly. And I thought, "Oh. So that's what you really think about me. Okay. So be it." And I said, "No, of course there's nothing wrong with me." And ever since, I've wondered whether there really is something wrong with me, and then I realized that I'm a girl, not a boy, and that infernal seed she planted in the back of my mind has just been blooming into a flower of evil. Always questioning. Always questioning myself. Some days I'm sure, some days I'm not, and some days I'm extremely sure but I'm just too tired to try to be feminine. Ugh.

 

Kind of like when I told my dad I was a tomboy and would grow up to be a boy. He said only dykes say that and that if I keep up with that thinking I would go to hell blah blah. I was like six or seven at the time. I never called myself a tomboy after that and tried to be his version of a girl but I guess I never was good enough. The last thing in can remember him telling me before I moved in with my mom was that I would grow up to be a whore or a lesbian.

 

Gee, then I'm sure glad for you that you got away from that negative kind of voice

 

My dad was mentally and sexually abusive to his children. So his ass went to jail and I & brothers moved in with my mom, because my dad's family insisted we were lairs and called us fat cows anytime they saw us. It was a bad situation all all round. Funny enough I don't feel as though anything my dad did (abusive wise) is what resulted in me questioning my gender now.

My dad pretty much had it figured up into his head how I was suppose to act, think pretty blonde cheerleader with the brains and and the hot boyfriend. Instead he got a potato that wanted to play baseball and soccer (wasn't allowed to) and got kicked out of gymnastics cause she sucked. He never had to say it but he made it clear that I was always the disappointment to him. He forced me into the girl box, and I feel it is mostly because of him that I have always been afraid to step outside of it. His family was all about appearances, everything I did was to make him look good, and I feel that I am still living my life try to live up to people's standards.

Queero, you made me think of something:
When I was 14 I think I really did see myself as a boy, I just never really realized it (please tell me that makes sense?) My body was that of boy's in my head, just thinned framed, but when it came to a face all I ever really saw was a blur, I'm still that way today. I can't really picture my face mentally. Then came that moment when I realized that my mental image and my body didn't match up. I suppose I figured I had to change my mental image, the thing is I have never got it right. I can see myself as a girl, but it always a shorter thinner cute kind of girl who is clearly very feminine. That isn't who I really am. When I try to think of myself how I really look, I keep going back to the image I had at 14.
Is it weird to say that I feel like I pushed away my inner me and never let it developed. That I have convinced myself that I was female and could only be that, so I did my best to feel the role and when I realized that I couldn't I feel into an agender state of being? Because, while I remember the 14 year old me, I was convinced I could not be transgender. I remember thinking (around 16) that I couldn't be as lucky as that. That I don't know to my most internal core of being that I was male and thus I was transgender. Though I thought my body thought I must be a boy to some degree because when I looked in the mirror I saw very boyish features. though no one else seemed to.
Now, when I look in the mirror I can see though boyish features, and instead of hating them as I did when I was trying to simple fit in, I have embraced them. They make me like myself. I pushed him away once and I know that even if I try I can't push him away again (I know because I tried). He is here, he always way, and he is ready to grow up. He knows he won't be like every guy out there, he will be he. He also knows that when a woman complains about her boobs or her period he will understand with out a doubt what they are going through. I will still probably still hang out with mostly girls, hey I'm gay xD I'm that gay best friend that all girl's want. I'll give ya fashion advice, go to the spa with ya, let you put makeup on me, but at the end of the day I know I am a man. I will most likely feel out of place around super masculine men, but as long as I have a common interest with someone I can be friends with anyone. Thank god for video games and anime.

sorry long post, but I feel better ...though still worried about if I will ever feel man enough.

---------- Post added 28th Apr 2015 at 12:39 AM ----------

btw, I don't think you are crazy.
I think your mother just doesn't understand what you are going through
But don't worry, we do We know you are perfectly sane and the rest of the world is is closed minded and bigoted.

 

I'm going with my aunt today and I don't want to shave my legs, but I feel I have to or face her wrath. I think leg shaving is something I really won't be able to give up easily, I'm just so use to it plus my leg looks ultra hairy and messy when I don't. Sometimes I think it is the coolest damn thing and other times I don't.

on the pus side, I found an old beanie and I plan to wear the hell out of it

sorry for the randomness. I just like talking to ya'll.

 

Not shaving was one of the early battles with my mother. I didn't see why I should have to shave, because I don't have very much hair anyway. Plus, "only girls shaved like that".

Good luck.

 

I tried wearing my beanie but my aunt said to take it off because I looked stupid with it on when it is hot outside. So I took it off.

I tried to evulate how I felt while walking around. I realize I really wanted people to see me as male at then but at the same time I wasn't to upset that they didn't since my boobs are noticeable. Though I'm 23 I felt like an awkward teenage boy. I kind of feel like I need to watch boys and see how they act, which is stupid I know.
At the same time I had the constant feeling of being a gay guy, or I felt like I was just me. It hard to explain.

On the plus side I asked my friend to use male pronouns