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I need help, I'm so confused.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Nightshade, Apr 19, 2015.

  1. Nightshade

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    I've never been one for talking about my feelings so this is hard. But to cut to the chase, I was born a female and for as long as I remember have acted male. I don't know who I am anymore. I've always been androgynous and I've never been that happy as a female. I wake up some mornings thinking "I can do this, I can live as a woman, that's what I am" and then other mornings I wake up really happy because in my dreams I was a strong, powerful man, who had been born male and didn't have to worry. I then crash back down into the realisation that I am female. I already feel out of place in my village (I'm one of the only black people, I'm an atheist, and I am attracted to women, even though at this point I'm not even sure if that makes me gay or not) I don't know whether it's work risking transsexuallity treatment when I don't even know who I am. Plus I don't want to put myself or my family at risk. I don't even know if this is what I want, and its making me feel sick to talk about if I'm honest, I don't like opening up about my feelings if I'm truthful, I've never been good at that. I just want to wake up in the morning and not be confused as to who I am. Right now my emotional state is basically :bang::bang::bang:

    I don't know anymore. I could say more, but I've typed for long enough. If there are any male to females or even just anyone who's identity doesn't match their genetics, who could maybe help me figure this out, I'd really appreciate it.

    Bye from Paige (who likes the name Jayson better)
     
  2. Im Hazel

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    I find it very difficult to talk about it too. In time, your emotions should settle. If you can't bring yourself to talk to your parents about it, you could talk to your parents and ask if you can see a counsellor / therapist about something else (say you have depression or anxiety or something). If that is not practical, your school might have a counsellor, or at least someone you can talk to confidentially. It sounds like you have some kind of gender identity issue. I would say that you very-well might be a transexual, but I can't be sure. Are you comfortable with male pronouns? You say you prefer a male name, so that is probably a good indicator. As I say, I can't really tell, but it sounds like you could be trans.
     
  3. Nightshade

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    I don't know where to begin with talking to people, I don't feel comfortable with actually physically talking, which is why I'm here on this site. I've felt dysphoric for a while now, I never really know. And well when strangers mis-gender me as male I feel OK with that, but when people I know or who know me call me male I get uncomfortable. When people call me male in general though I feel slightly uncomfortable because I'm not male and that reminds me that I'm not male. It's kind of like a "I'm not male, you can see I'm not, why would you mess with me like that?" reaction, especially to people I know. I like the name Jayson, and online often do use that as my name. I also frequently have dreams where I am a man called Jayson and in those dreams I absolutely love the way I have imagined myself to be. Tall, strong and muscular, short hair, beard, it's nice. But then at the same time, sometimes I wake up and think "I am a woman" and will get the urge to dress up nicely and wear make up, though I never follow through completely 'cause usually after putting something feminine on or wearing make up I feel uncomfortable and take it off again. I really don't know anymore. I recently did a test meant for MtF pre-op trans people and the result I got was "feminine male" which confused me more. The test thinks that you're a male when you start so to get "feminine male" was really confusing. The description was basically "You're a man who may have some issues with expressing themselves, and who has some qualities that are generally considered feminine, but you aren't transsexual so we recommend seeing a counselor to become more comfortable in your skin". However, because I am technically female, this just confused me, because if it's applied to me then I don't know whether it would be that I'm a "masculine female" or whether I would be a FtM trans person.

    Sorry for the essay response.
     
    #3 Nightshade, Apr 19, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2015
  4. Im Hazel

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    Firstly, you can not be MtF, because that only applies to people who were born male. You are taking the wrong test. Also, those things aren't very good. Try a FtM one instead. I understand why you would find being read as male wierd, but I don't know what that would mean outside of what you said. Seeing a counsellor is good advice, but if you don't want to, I don't really know. I think you can talk to some over the internet, but if you didn't get your parents to pay for it, that could be a problem. You need to think about this, and become comfortable enough to talk to someone. I can always talk to you, but I am not actually that experienced with this whole concept, so I am in no position to make a judgement about your case. But if you get dysphoria, then something is probably awry somewhere. You could well be transgender or androgynous. Read up a bit on this stuff (if you haven't already). That helped me.
     
  5. Matto_Corvo

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    I feel very much like you do, and like you I am uncomfortable about talking about my feelings out loud. That why this website is such an awesome place. I can't give you a definite answer if you are trans or not, that is something only you can decide in the end. But I can tell you that you are not alone in how you are feeling.
    As confusing as it sounds I do have days where I wake up and feel that I can live this female life. Then I have days where I wake up and want nothing more than to be a male. I dress and prep myself to present male, but then someone/something during the day will remind me that I am female, and that that is how people view me. It's an unsettling feeling of the world settling around you. I equate it to the same feeling prisoners must feel when they hear the door of their cell slam shut for the first time. "This hell is life." As much as I wake on days feeling I could live female, I realize I prefer the male me I had in my head.
    Male pronouns are also a sort of grey area for me. When someone I don't know calls me male I am fine with it, though I have been condition to think of myself as female due my body, so I have an urge to correct them. When someone I know does it I do feel uncomfortable but would laugh it off. After finally starting to realize that I am a non-binary trans I recognize that I am uncomfortable with it because I actually want to be called by male pronouns but -gestures at body- I am clearly female and I fear people will think me crazy.
    As Jack says, that fact that you prefer a male name is a good indicator. And like Jack I can't tell you if you are trans or not, that is something only you can decide in the end.

    As for the test you took, I took it too and got Androgyne. The thing to remember is that that test was designed for MtF, so take all answers with a grain of salt. There really isn't a good one for FtM that I know of.

    If you don't want to talk to a councilor (though it is a good idea) then find people, other AFAB (assigned female at birth) people who don't identify with their biological sex to talk to. It is better than holding it in. You can talk to me if you want, though I am still kind of questioning myself as well.
    Sorry that this is long and that I couldn't be more helpful.
     
  6. Nightshade

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    Thanks, both of you, for this. One thing that I hate and always have/will hate(d) is not knowing or understanding things. I hate this dysphoric feeling. I don't know who I am and that unsettles me a lot. Caduti, the way you described how you feel towards male pronouns is exactly what I feel. I dislike being called male by people I know, because I feel like they're being sarcastic and cruel, because clearly I am not male. I appreciate what both you and Jack are saying, and I'm not looking for a diagnosis from either of you, I just want to understand. I do like being called Jayson, though usually its by people online, I've never actually heard anyone call me Jayson, because I haven't really told anyone. I may take you guys up on your offer to talk, because frankly right now I need someone who I can relate to. I want to understand this. I'm trying to find a FtM test to take, but the ones available all seem childish and I don't like them. I also want to start hitting the gym, but I'm scared someone will see me and question it; through research I've found that I'll have to train like a guy to start looking more like a guy, which sounds obvious enough, but as I am a female biologically and am not on t then can be dangerous for my body. I've also been looking at binding, though I'm not sure, it looks uncomfortable. I just wish there was a way to know whether or not I am. In all of my daydreams and general dreams recently, I have been male. It's confusing and aggravating. I don't really want to involve my parents in this yet, until I know for sure. I don't think they would react badly, but I can't be certain, so why risk it? I have silly daydreams where I am being knighted by the Queen or some nonsense - usually when I am severally lacking entertainment - and I am always knighted as a Sir. It's confusing and with my exams only 3 weeks away, this is not the opportune time for this. I want it to go away if I'm honest. It feels like it did when I first realised I am attracted to girls; I hated that feeling then and I hate it now.

    Thanks for reading my waffle.
    Jayson (I think I may use this name on here for now until I figured this out. Just to try it out and see how I actually feel about it.)
     
  7. Matto_Corvo

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    Yeah, from what I have seen the good tests are for MtF.
    Well, Jayson, if you need someone to talk to just shoot me a PM ^__^
    And you can call me Alex, since that seems to be the name I call myself online.
     
  8. Nightshade

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    Just out of curiosity, what things tipped you guys off in regards to not being comfortable in your biological gender? I, for one, have always been tomboyish. I never wear dresses and haven't since I could dress myself, and as a child whenever I would role-play games with other kids I would always be the soldier boy (I never joined in when the other girls played mummies, it bored me). I never felt weird about playing soldier boy until other kids said stuff like "but you're a girl" and that would then make me feel weird. Have either of you had similar experiences?

    Jayson
     
  9. Queero

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    Yes. I loved playing games of pretend with girls, but if there was ever a guy character or role to be played it was always me. If we were pretending to be a wolf pack I was told to be the alpha male, if we were playing a game that involved a couple I was the boyfriend/husband. To my friends, it was just the natural, obvious choice, because they all acted like girls. And I was only 'technically a girl' (my own thoughts as a child. Yeah. :lol:slight_smile:

    There was a really helpful thread on here I will find and post back with, about "How you figured it out".
     
  10. Nightshade

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    Thanks I appreciate that. I don't know why I didn't think about the fact that there would most likely be a thread on here that could help me. And "technically a girl" sounds familiar, haha. I didn't play girl games, I couldn't really fit in with the girls groups, I usually played football (soccer) with the boys. It was better. Most of my friends are female now though, but that was more due to the fact that the boys got weird about me being a girl, so I had to branch out. Most of my female friends are my friends because of similar interests like books, but honestly most of the time I can't relate to them, especially when they talk about really girly things. I don't know if that means anything though.
     
  11. Queero

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  12. Nightshade

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    A lot of the FtM stories on there sound familiar; I can relate. I think I need to do more research, but thanks for that.
     
  13. Queero

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    You're welcome. Feel free to post on my wall if you want to ask me anything. I'm on here most days.
    Another thing that helped me was youtube channels, specifically ones like "TheRealAlexBertie" and, of course, EC.

    I also want to say that you shouldn't feel like you aren't valid if your experiences don't match other people's. I struggled with that for a while. {read as : I still do}

    By the way, I like Jayson.

    My name's Graham.
     
  14. Nightshade

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    I like Graham, that's a nice name :slight_smile: And this may be a stupid question, but does the fact that I still wanna shave like arms and legs and armpits invalidate the masculinity I feel? I don't want to come across as idiotic, but all of the guys I know don't shave those areas and even though I have been trying to fully explore my male side to see how it fits with me and to see if it is me, that's one thing that I can't seem to get over. I don't know I just feel cleaner when I shave if that makes sense? But as far as I know based off of who I know only women shave their arms, legs and armpits, the men I know don't.

    Edit: I actually don't know what EC is haha..
     
    #14 Nightshade, Apr 20, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2015
  15. Queero

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    Thank you. Took forever to find :slight_smile:.

    I don't know. I don't shave really anything, but it runs in my family to have almost no body hair. I've never shaved my legs, and I've only shaved my armpits a few times before I gave that up.

    Well, a lot of guys will shave or wax if they are uncomfortable with their body hair. I know guys who do this, not usually legs, but the thing is that guys don't talk about shaving or waxing their body hair, not that I've ever heard anyway. Legs guys will do if they swim or run, armpits should be required shaving for gymnasts, just saying.
     
  16. Nightshade

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    Ah ok, cause I don't know. I kinda wanna shave still, but at the same time I want to slowly increase my masculinity and see where I'm comfortable. I don't know, for now I'll leave it.

    ---------- Post added 20th Apr 2015 at 10:13 PM ----------

    Oh and what is EC?
     
  17. Queero

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    Oh, EmptyClosets. It's the abbreviation people use. EC. It confused me too at first, but I thought that "bf" stood for best friend for longer than I'd like to admit.

    That sounds like a good plan, if you still want to shave, then by all means, shave.
     
  18. Matto_Corvo

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    I actually have a very bad memory so my childhood is kind of a blur and I'm still trying to figure out when exactly I knew.
    This is where I posted my story thus far
    To be honest I thought all girls hated their boobs and periods to the point that they wished for some medical thing to pop up so that they could be removed. And I wasn't really uncomfortable as being called female till I hit puberty, then I grew uncomfortable with the way my body was changing. I was just so ashamed of having boobs. Socially I was a very awkward person and kept to myself and had a co-ed group of friends. I constantly find it amusing that one friend now identifies as non-binary transgender and the other as trans woman. I was a girl so I didn't feel I fit with the boys, but even though I was a girl I never felt I fit with the girls. It was to much drama, to much talk about clothes and makeup, the only thing I had in common with them was boys and shaving.
    On that note, i still shave my legs, arms, and pits as well. I feel cleaner and like the way my legs looked shaved, and I love the feel of clean bed sheets over freshly shaven legs xD. I also grow facial hair due to hormone problems as a teenager and I shave that as well. It's itchy if I let it grow out, plus I know everyone looks at me and sees a female so I feel really awkward if people saw the facial hair. It also the only reason that I wear makeup, to cover up that I grow facial hair. I constantly worry if this invalidates me in some way.
    I've been trying to increase my masculinity as well. I've cut my hair short (love it), and been wearing boys clothes, though by that I mean one pair of shorts since that is all I've been able to afford so far. I usually go clothes shopping with my aunt and she would frown on me shopping form the men's section.
    sorry i'm rambling.
     
  19. Queero

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    CaudtiMorte, that's one of my biggest insecurities, I don't have many very solid memories of my childhood, and I feel as though I should have. I have some little snippets that stand out in my head, but I don't have much in terms of general memories.
     
  20. Matto_Corvo

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    I understand. I feel like, if I don't have the memories then how can I know for sure. So I try to remind myself that it is how I feel now and not my past that matters.
    I also feel insecure because of the times I hated my maleish features and wanted so very much to fit in with other girls, I hated feeling different. Was always sure someone would just know that I felt that way and would pick on me for it, even if I didn't know why i felt different.