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This has NEVER happened before..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sugarskull, Jul 7, 2014.

  1. HTBO

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    This is my advice to find out if you're gay and it's what I did. You need first of all to listen to yourself. Chances are you already know the answer to this, you just need to find it in you. What I did was I became completely open with myself and I paid attention to my surroundings. I didn't begin looking at every woman I saw to see if there was an attraction, but I observed where my attention was drawn. For example, I was on the metro and there are advertisements at every stop, and I remember one with a woman with very little clothes on and my head turned. It probably wasn't the first time that happened, but the first time I noticed it happened. Once you begin to let go of any inhibitions you will begin to see who turns your head. When watching tv, especially intimate scenes, who are you watching? Can you picture yourself in a relationship long term with a woman? Not necessarily your trigger, but any woman. These are the types of things I did and I began to notice that I was attracted to women, apparantly a lot of them :slight_smile: I didn't realize that when I did see someone I found attractive I used to tell myself not to think like that and repressed it, however, once I realized I was doing this, I discovered I did it all the time. I had trained myself to think this way and then retrained myself to stop doing that. Now I don't even notice men, just the ladies. Try flirting with some women and see how it makes you feel. Even if they are straight, they will probably think you are being friendly. Just don't flirt too much in case you develop a crush and that's a whole new issue. Don't want more complications :wink: This doesn't work for everyone, but it did for me. I also began looking back over my life, and when I did that I discovered there had been signs everywhere from the time I was in puberty. I always say I don't do well with hints, and I guess I needed something that would be very obvious to make me begin questioning. As I said, I honestly believe you know the answer, and that even though there are many of us who took longer to figure this out on some level we knew something wasn't right. Just trust your instincts and listen to what your body tells you.

    And if you are a lesbian and your trigger doesn't work out, you will find someone else. I know when my ex and I separated, I didn't want another relationship, there were so many possibilities and I was free. I didn't think I'd meet someone who would make me feel the way my trigger did. I also didn't think I was capable of falling in love the way 'normal' people seem to do and that I was emotionally distant and wasn't romantic. Then, I met someone and this all changed. For the first time ever I have fallen in love and I actually am romantic and not emotionally distant at all. She is so much better than my trigger crush and I don't care anymore about all of the different possibilties. You may feel like you don't want anything now, but that may change when you meet someone who makes you feel a way you never imagined was possible, and maybe it will be your trigger, but maybe not.
     
  2. DancingGirl

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    Wow ladies, so much go on with everyone. I don't even know where to begin. I do have to say that if any of you are thinking of counseling should do it. I have only had one session and so many things are already so much more clear.
    This has nothing to do with my session, but I am still doing a good job of not wanting to be around my trigger crush. I have been able to see who she really is and I don't want to be with that person. I have decided that if divorce is in my future that I want to be alone for a while after. Since I don't really have a crush anymore not sure if I will have alot to share here, but I will check in on you wonderful ladies and let you know how my counseling is going. I will also keep you posted on my coming out/figuring out with my husband process. Take care gals.
     
  3. HTBO

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    DancingGirl, with or without a crush you are still part of our group and always will be. I agree, counseling is very helpful. I've been doing it for about 2 months and I always look forward to my next session. It helps a lot and I don't know why I didn't do it earlier. Keep us updated.
     
  4. DancingGirl

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    I really wish now that I had gone so much sooner. I really felt lucky to find the gal I did she is super. She has a way of guiding me along. We covered alot in that first session. Truly wonderful.
     
  5. waterfall

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    How did you find the right counselor? I think if you get the wrong one it can be as detrimental, as having a good one can be therapeutic. Does that make sense? I am having a glass of wine so I probably shouldn't be posting but I really want to go to counseling. I'm at an impasse and I can't figure it out on my own! :help:

    DancingGirl : I don't have a crush now either! We can be in the no crush, in between crushes, I am certainly not ready to be involved with anyone because I can't even figure out my own self club!
    I know I'm flagged…going to say goodnight.
     
    #305 waterfall, Oct 2, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 2, 2014
  6. HTBO

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    Maybe look up some different counselors and see if anything clicks. I know for me, I went at my university and I was lucky. I ended up with a gay counselor and he is absolutely wonderful. There are various counselors at my school and they all have write-ups about the approaches they use. Maybe by researching different counselors you will find someone who uses an approach which will work for you. Not all counselors are the same. If you go to one and you don't feel a connection or comfortable, then try a different one. It is definitely worth going and I also think that it's important that you want to be there and are ready to be open about how you feel. I hope you can find a good one.
     
  7. DancingGirl

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    I searched and searched for mine. I just Googled counselors and started reading their profile on the sites. A lot of good practices will have al lost of problems and then a list of the counselors that specializes in that area so I chose one under the gay ans lesbian header. Then under the anxiety header then under the relationship header. When I found one that was under all of them I went to her profile. She was holistic and did hypnotherapy. She had a kind face. And what she said in her profile really spoke to my heart. I know sounds linda cheesy, but it did. The right one is out there. It took me two years to go. Don't wait. You will be so glad you went. Good luck.
     
  8. waterfall

    waterfall Guest

    Thanks ladies! I will do that this week! I know I need to go, so there is no need to put it off any longer….
     
  9. DancingGirl

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    Great! You will be so glad you did it. I only had one session and I knew it was what I needed. Be prepared to be honest. Take advantage of it. Keep us posted:slight_smile:
     
  10. JB1973

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    My trigger said I should get counselling. You're all saying counselling is good. I've really not wanted to do it because I'm exhausted with having problems of one sort or another (usually marriage related) but because of all your posts, I've now reached out to an old counsellor I had years ago for a health related issue. She was amazing and made such a difference in my life at a very difficult time. She may not specialise in sexuality (although does in marriage and relationships, which is not exactly what I need but...) but I'm confident that an initial meeting with her, someone I trust to guide me in the right direction if she can't help, is at least a start in the right direction.

    I have also looked on the internet (thanks DancingGirl) for ones who specialise in sexuality and LGB issues and have 3 or 4 lined up in case my old counsellor isn't specialist enough.

    Shit, I HATE having problems!!!!:tantrum:They are just sooooo tiring to deal with lol!
     
  11. DancingGirl

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    I am right there with you. I feel so exhaust all the time. I sleep fine so I know thats not it. Just so many feelings and then my husband works 12hrs a day 7 days a week. So all the house responsible is mine. I think going to counseling will help sort some of it out.
    I am glad you are reaching out to a counselor again. Mine had alot of good things to day about relationships and deciding if my feelings towards women stemmed from my current unhappiness in my marriage or if I may actually be gay. She has already talked about some things that turned on a light bulb for me. I still am unsure but definately some things to consider.
     
  12. bi2me

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    Possibly off topic, but here goes:

    So I got to talk to my best friend/girl I've liked since high school (but didn't realize it until we saw each other on vacation over the summer - read earlier posts if you need details) on Thursday night for 2 hours on FaceTime. We "Face Wined," and it was really, really great.

    I feel like she is the only person I can be completely honest with... sometimes more than my husband since he's here in the trenches with me and she isn't. I think she was being as honest as I was too. I probably got a bit more real about how I feel about some things than I should have, but I don't think it was an issue - probably the glass of wine talking...

    While I totally know that she and I cannot be together (for a LOT of reasons, including being married, I have kids and she never wanted any, we live in different cities, etc.), it's nice that we've connected and are able to be friends again. I think we both missed each other for a long time without knowing it. I'm hoping she and her husband can come visit us over the holidays at least for a day, and I'm really hoping she and I can meet up in the spring when another friend and I are in NYC. Bad part about that is that I'm having some totally not going to happen fantasies about the NYC trip... I guess as long as they stay in my head I have nothing to worry about, right?
     
  13. sugarskull

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    If anyone sees this...we should give progress reports. LOL
     
  14. bi2me

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    Where's your update sugarskull? I'm still here!

    My update: my bff and I are back to being besties (after years of not talking), but long distance. I'm at least a bit over my massive crush, but I will have more details after I see her at the end of May on a girls' trip. It took a few months of ramping up from talking/texting once in a while to texting most days and trying to talk at least weekly. We are often in different time zones, and since I have kids andshe's traveling for work almost every week, it can be hard to really talk.

    We are working on being really honest with each other and not hiding parts of ourselves (see more below), but I still haven't pinned her down on how she really feels about me/our hs relationship. The last thing she told me a week ago is that it's "hard... To figure out"

    I did get to see her around New Year's Eve. We had some of my hs friends over and we ended up in a pretty tipsy cuddle on the couch. We also try really hard not to get in the way of our relationship with our spouses - no need to breed any resentment or jealousy there.

    My biggest thing, is that I'm working really hard to make some new friends after realizing that I tend to hide who I really am and as a consequence don't have many friends. Going slowly (like molasses up hill in January) on actually coming out, but I'm trying hard to put my opinions, thoughts, etc. out there. Started a book club which has been great for this. No small talk - yay! And a group of us started a moms' dinner, which U.S. more small talkie, but I'm managing.

    I'm also reading Sex at Dawn which is nonfiction and looks at the relatively short history of human monogamy and prehistoric mating patterns. No, I'm not cheating (which is what another good friend asked me), but I am questioning the role I thought monogamy had to play in my life.

    Next...
     
  15. stella99

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    Hi guys,
    Still working with my crush and still haven't crossed that line yet...... Things have moved on just in the past few weeks actually. We are good friends now and lean on each other for support for things in our personnal lives. She now knows my marriage is almost over and i know she is not in a relationship. Still analysing every word but I think the floodgates are about to open. I see a difference in her since she found out about my marriage...Don't think I'm ever going to lose her completely, whatever happens. Its been a long 18 months......
     
  16. bi2me

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    Hi Stella, keep us posted! How are things going with your transition from being married?
     
  17. stella99

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    I cannot believe I can actually officially say that I told someone I am gay! But I did! I actually did it. And, even better, it was the woman I have been crushing on for the past 18 months!!!! She seemed genuinely surprised but supportive and the first thing she asked was ' how did you come to realise?' Given it was her that sent the thunderbolt I felt it was too much to divulge in the one conversation so put that question off until after a bottle of wine......but , at least she now knows. Given that I am married with 2grown up children I was desperate for her to know the real me before it was too late and my chance was gone forever.
    I would have been so annoyed with myself but I am proud that I have actually taken control and done something positive about my situation. Crushing on some one for 18 months has not been fun (well not all of the time) and I have almost made myself I'll. Only time will tell how she reacts but I know (on good authority) that she is gay so the ball is in her court. I couldn't have lived with myself if she had disappeared from my life and I hadn't said anything. I knew I was going to have to tell her one day and I did. Whew.. Still can't believe it.
    So, there you go. Watch this space . we have always had a very flirty working relationship so it will be interesting to see what happens now. I guess I will finally find out if all the analysing of every look, touch, smile was actually accurate. I'll be astounded if it wasn't. We flirt constantly just know so let's see how it goes now.......
     
  18. Snever2late

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    Yay!!! I'm so glad people are updating, what a great idea! I needed a kick in the butt to get back on here, so thank you Sugarskull!!

    Hey Everyone! So a lot has changed for me since I was last on here I guess.

    My "trigger crush" is gone, done, completely over it. God, it was so painful at the time, but I really thank her for making me open my eyes to who I am and what I am willing to do to get it. But I made the choice to stop all communication with her, including quitting the part time job she worked at with me.

    Since then, my (soon-to-be) ex-husband (Really, I promise, the divorce papers are all filled out and waiting for a notary), moved out at the end of December. What a relief!! My son doesn't even ask about him at all, and he rarely sees him or contributes financially, but I am so happy to not have to deal with him. He is dating someone else now, and I just moved in with the most amazing woman, who is the most incredibly kind, caring, compassionate and generous woman. My son is in love, and so am I. I don't know how I got so lucky. We have been together for almost 6 months, and everything feels right.

    I came out to my coworkers, close family(parents, sisters, a few cousins), most friends, and am just out and open in the community. I honestly could care less now what anyone who I come in contact with who disagrees with my lifestyle choices think. I am healing, I am happy, and I have really connected with myself as a woman in ways I never thought possible before.

    I want more updates!!! I've missed you all. I hope I'll be back for a while!
     
  19. bi2me

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    Snever2late: Yay! I'm so glad you are doing well and happy! Congratulations on making some really major steps for yourself. :slight_smile:
     
  20. stella99

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    Wow Snever2late. Well done you! Can I ask where you met your partner? That's where I want to be in a years time. I'm not so blinkered that I think I'll ride into the sunset with my trigger crush and live happily ever after. Not saying I don't want that!!!!!but I'm realistic.
    Next step is to let her know It was her that caused the reaction in me. No blame, just a fact. I don't need to be apologetic. And I've now got the confidence to do that.
    I'm still in shock that I've told her. Some clever people on here (HTBO I salute you) said there will come a time when its more painful not to do anything and I finally got there. It was the pain of losing her and her never knowing about me the pushed me over the edge. The thought of her slipping through my fingers as a result of me not having the guts too make a move was finally too much. Do I wish I had told her everything in the one go? Yes - then I would know the answer to my future now, either way. No - we still have to work together so I've given her the chance to take control and not put her in a really awkward position.
    Watch this space.....