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This has NEVER happened before..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sugarskull, Jul 7, 2014.

  1. HTBO

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    Snever2late I'm so sorry. Between your trigger crush and your husband outing you and finding the divorce papers, you have not had much luck. You can try and look at it in a positive way. You may not have been ready to have so many people know, but it's out there now and you can't change it.
    And the trigger crush is hard. It's difficult to have such strong feelings for someone you can't have, especially when you believed there was a possibility. I know it doesn't matter what I say, it won't make you feel better or take away the pain. It will get easier with time and you will find someone who loves you the way you love her and will look at this as part of the journey to find her. Try to do something good for yourself, you deserve it.
     
  2. waterfall

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    I don't even know what to say! It is hard for me to imagine how someone could be that cruel to someone he supposedly loves. This should certainly make future decisions easier for you to make, without feeling guilty about anything!
    I am so sorry for you but the longer you live in the closet, the more dark and lonely that closet becomes. Even though you weren't ready, maybe on some level he did you an unintentional favor.
    We are all here for you! (&&&)
     
  3. Camusgirl

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    Snever2late I am so sorry to hear what has been happening. I can only imagine how you must be feeling and I hope you have people around you that you can lean on. And like Waterfall said, it does make certain future decisions easier. JB1973-I hope drinks with your trigger crush goes well!
     
  4. Mocha

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    Hi everyone's! I've been missing in action for a bit, trying to sort my self out! Hasn't worked though lol. Great to hear everyone else's stories in the meantime though. So..... massive update here..... I've told him!
    So a few weeks ago we were talking anyway about splitting up, for various reasons and I told him straight what I didn't like that he was doing etc, everything apart from the being gay bit. So he's been trying so hard to be perfect and doing exactly what I asked him to and he's become again like the man he was when we were first together. What I've realised is, that although I've always had feelings for women which I didn't recognise, it's only been this last year that I've found him awful to live with because of his behaviour and that distance from him has allowed me to recognise and then acknowledge the feelings I have for women. As well as my gorgeous trigger crush that is!! So despite him doing everything right the last few weeks, I can't mentally get myself back into the relationship and it's not what I want because of course I am completely gay lol! But I feel so guilty!

    Anyway we talked on thurs night and he was blaming himself for a lot of things, like why I am and was for a long time so unaffectionate and emotionless with him and I couldn't let him think that so I told him it's probably because I have feelings for women. It was so so so hard to actually get that out, but I'm pleased that I did. He had so many questions, all sexual really, like did I like to look at naked women, did I want to have sex with a woman etc. then he said he found it a turn on that I liked women and he would consider us having an open relationship! So I just let him talk and the next day he presented me with solutions to our problems - we have an open marriage, I have a girlfriend on the side, but can't sleep with another man and I have to agree to sex with him a couple of times a week to fulfil his needs. I truly couldn't believe it because I didn't think he would want an open marriage, but also that he just thought it was all about sex and completely forgot about why we were talking about splitting up in the first place!
    So, the next night I told him that no I didn't want that, if I was to have a relationship with a woman, I'd want a proper relationship, that I never have and never will do casual relationships and pointed out quite forcefully actually that the reason we had got to this point was not because I like women, but because of other reasons, mainly on his side! And fortunately I think he got it!!
    We are in a bit of limbo at the moment as had a busy weekend and no chance to talk, but we seem to be drifting further apart for sure. And the other thing is that I've bloody gone and met someone, just to complicate matters! Nothing's happened, but it could as I know she feels the same. We have so much in common and can talk and talk but we just seem to sit looking into each other's eyes, the connection is amazing! I don't even know where she came from, I just met her randomly the other week and then we went out shopping and now text each other day long! I don't want to complicate things just yet and we both know we have an amazing connection so we are just going to hang out and wait till I sort my life out! But I hate how this might cloud my vision of my marriage, though I know deep down we aren't gonna go the distance. The thing is I just need to tell him it's completely over, but I'm so scared to do it and the implications it brings for me and my kids!
    Sorry for the enormous post, I had to just get it all out!
     
  5. Really

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    Mocha, Mocha! Well done! Sounds like you handled it very well and you will be able to make your husband understand completely, in the end.

    And! You've met someone?! Woohoo! But really - what do you mean it was random? Crashed into her cart at the grocery store? Backed into her car? If you don't mind sharing, I'd be interested as it gives me hope.
     
  6. Snever2late

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    Thank you all for your support, I admit that EC and having a couple of people close have helped. The girl in question is actually trying to be there for me and support me emotionally, while still maintaining it's over. I find that incredibly confusing. She says she doesn't want to lose me in her life. While I feel that, if that were true, she would have chosen to stay with me, part of me wants to keep that possibility open for the future. Also I just genuinely like her and have a good time with her at work and whatnot. I told her we can only talk during daylight hours for now. Nothing good happens after dark. Well, not anymore...

    The being outed thing has kind of died down. I have to admit that it was a little freeing. Invasive and cruel, but it felt good to kind of have it out there. I'm not ready though, so I've just been ignoring when people ask me about it. It's really not anyone's business...unless I make it so, lol.

    I'm interested as well, Mocha, and really happy for you that you were able to stand your ground and tell him what you want. For some reason men seem to focus on the sexual part, while ignoring the emotional aspect...for me that's the biggest draw! I can't be physical with someone I don't have an emotional connection with, so if that's missing...

    Good luck telling him, and just remember that you made the decision before you met this girl. Try to keep the two things separate, don't let what you're going through with your husband taint the possibilities with this new woman. I'm going through some of the same things as well and I'll be thinking of you!
     
    #286 Snever2late, Sep 29, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2014
  7. waterfall

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    We would all like to know! :icon_wink
     
  8. stella99

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  9. bi2me

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    Snever2late - Thank you for sharing that post. That really struck a chord with me.

    I'm so sorry for the way your husband treated you. I'm sure he was very upset, but in my mind, that's not a way to treat anyone you love(d). Sending you virtual hugs, and I'll be following your story in the next few months and hoping it gets easier for you.
     
  10. JB1973

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    OMG! It's been a few days since I've been able to get on here and I can't believe what's happened Snever2late. I FEEL SO MUCH FOR YOU... How awful - what a fucking shit (sorry people, but...) to do that. I don't care how much he's 'hurt' you just don't do that to someone. I hope like some people have said here, the worst bit is over and any other decisions you have to make come easier. I can't remember, do you have children too?

    Snever2late, absofuckinglutely! (Sorry again for the profanity, but I'm still in shock with what I've just read).

    Thank you so much! I've been psyching myself up for the last week (when I decided I had to tell her). I've played out how I'll do it and what' I'll say like 100 times in my head - even to where we will sit and stuff - does that sound crazy?! I just don't want to mess it up. I REALLY hope she feels the same way. But if she does, then I'm also going to have to talk to my husband... He wants to know if we'll ever have sex again. That's where I'm at with him. He used to be very controlling and although like Mocha's husband, he's now being perfect all the bloody time, I think it's too late. I am still not sure if I'm gay and I'm hoping my chat with my trigger crush (on Thursday!!) will sort things out. Although my husband has said he wants to stay together even if we never had sex anymore (that's the latest btw), I'm not sure he will find room for 3 in the marriage. It's really complicated because i have two teenage kids from a previous marriage and a 2 year old with him - what a screwed up situation.

    Even if my trigger crush doesn't feel the same way (which means I will probably lose her friendship as well, as so many others have done so here), I will still talk to my husband and tell him that I've been attracted to another woman and have been questioning my sexuality. I think it's time to come clean now, even though it's going to be really hard, because like Snever2late, I'm only just trying to establish in my own head what I think, let alone tell anyone else about it.

    Sorry for the ramble, but you guys are really important to me and have helped me make decisions which I otherwise would not be making. Thank you.(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)
     
  11. Snever2late

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    Thank you JB1973, I appreciate the support. We do have a 1 1/2 year old son, which complicates matters. My minds made up, but it's just doing something about it that's the problem. In a strange twist, S has really been there for me, and won't stop texting me and complaining about her girlfriend. Part of me wants to tell her to get lost, but there's still that part of me...

    I'm excited for you, I hope it all goes well! I feel very connected with what you're going through and wish the best for you :slight_smile: And even if it doesn't work out the way you (and we all) hope it will, you're making a powerful step towards figuring hings out and that's important.
     
  12. Frkldbklvr45

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    Wow!. I just read all 15 pages of posts at one sitting. my mind is blowing. I could literally see my thoughts in most posts here. so much running through my head. Off to process. :slight_smile:
    thank you all for being so open in your experience
     
  13. Mocha

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    Well I didn't mean random as such, I just meant that she kind of just came into my life unexpectedly out of nowhere lol! A friend of a friend who is bisexual knows about me and she suggested that I talk to a friend of hers who is a lesbian as she came out a bit later and she thought it would be good for me to talk to someone like that. Anyway me and her started emailing each other and we just hit it off so well, so we decided to meet up for coffee and we just had this instant amazing connection! We just kept looking into each other's eyes, it was so intense. I have no idea how I controlled myself lol! So we kept emailing, then texting, now talking on the phone and we've met up a couple of times since then. She knows my situation exactly and has said that because she's never felt anything as intense as she does with me, she will wait for me until I sort my life out and we can move forward from there.
    I have to say though, that I do still see my trigger crush and I still think she's fantastic, but this is so much better! I think because it's reciprocated and because I'm starting to get to know her well, I find her more and more beautiful inside and out every day. I've completely fallen for her, in case you hadn't guessed lol! So there's definitely hope, as I truly never even expected to meet someone and definitely not someone who would take me on! As in, I've got four young kids, don't work at moment as I'm home with them, my belly from the pregnancies looks horrendous and I'm still half in the closet. So I find it amazing that this woman is prepared to take on all that because of the connection we have made. It's incredible!
     
  14. HTBO

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    Mocha, I know exactly what you mean. It's very different from trigger crush and so much better, isn't it? I don't even think of my trigger crush, or anyone else actually. To find someone you have that connection with is something I had never thought would happen and to have completely fallen for her is something I never thought I could do but I'm happy I did because it's a feeling I wouldn't change for anything.

    JB1973, good luck tomorrow with your discussion. Hope all goes well. Kids does make it more complicated but not an impossible situation. Everything will work out.

    Snever2late, happy to hear that the being outed situation has calmed down. Guess you can see it as he did the hard part for you? It's so much more difficult when you're not ready. My ex pressured me into telling my family before I was ready and I avoided them for months after, and it took 5 months to force myself to even see them. They were great about it, but I wasn't ready. I can't imagine if he'd done what your husband did. I would still be hiding in a corner somewhere. As for your friend, that's difficult situation. If she doesn't intend on leaving her gf and told you this, yet continues to complain about her, then I would suggest protecting yourself. Either put some distance between the two of you for a bit to give yourself time to accept it's over in that regards between the two of you, or at least ask her not to complain about her gf because it's too difficult. If she cares about you she will accept and respect either request. You need to look out for yourself
     
  15. DancingGirl

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    I need to go back and read all the new postings to this wonderful thread but I just wanted to announce that I started counseling last night and it was amazing. I shared alot and think this will be what I need to get to a place where I can tell my husband how I feel.
    You all are an amazing bunch of people.
     
  16. HTBO

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    I'm happy to hear that DancingGirl. Counseling really does help, especially if you are willing to be open and to listen to suggestions. You will get there :slight_smile:
     
  17. Snever2late

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    HTBO- You're absolutely right. I work with my friend, and even though things have been tumultuous, those conversations have been almost exclusively through text. We're still fun and a little flirty at work, but that's how we've always been. I really want to be able to have a healthy friendship with her, because she's such an incredible person and really that connection is so rare and I want to be able to keep that in my life. But I'm trying to maintain a personal distance from her. I went through and deleted all of the messages and pictures and whatnot from before on my phone, and that was really cathartic. When I feel like I'm going to start talking to her as more than a friend, I delete all of her contact info from my phone. She always ends up contacting me, and then I keep it on friendly terms. And yes, he did the hard part by outing me, and honestly I guess I'm just at a point where I'm comfortable with myself enough that I don't particularly care anymore. I don't have that many really close friends, and if other people want to judge me or have a problem with what makes me happy I guess I just have to cut them out of my life, because I don't need that.

    DancingGirl, that's so great! My husband has been wanting to try couples counseling, but I feel like it's a little pointless. I have thought about going to counseling individually however, I think I'm a little depressed with everything going on. I also found and LGBT support group nearby that I'm going to try to go to... I'm glad you're getting the support you need, and hope it brings you to a place where you are able to open and be honest about who you are and how you feel!
     
  18. JB1973

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    Can't stay on here long tonight but just wanted to say hi to DancingGirl - nice to see you back (seems ages since you've been on here!) and good luck with the counselling. Speak to you all again soon xx
     
  19. OOC73

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    Hiya,

    Just made my way through this thread and wanted to thank you all for your honesty. It helps a great deal to realise that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling and that whilst I don't currently have a "trigger crush" (great descriptive expression though!) as I don't exactly have much of a social circle to source one from, it's not unusual to be in my situation and that the possibilities are out there.

    Hope to contribute more over time :slight_smile: many bells have been rung by reading this. Just need to take it all in now!

    Also, outing someone you are supposed to love? That'd be what I would call "a bit of a sh1ts trick" - it wasn't his call and he shouldn't have done it. Hugs to you for having had that happen. Xx
     
  20. JB1973

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    Well I told her. I was going to tell her after work but we saw each other at lunch time so I told her then. Her first words were something like 'oh no' or words to that effect. Not good. I said either I'd completely screwed up the friendship or she felt the same way. She didn't come down on either side but said a lot about things not working between us because the situation (with me being married and having a young child etc.) is too complicated and also because she's a lot older than me. I said I hadn't thought about anything between us more than just how I feel i.e. not looking to moving in together or anything!! Anyway, I said that the coffee we had planned after work, she could cancel if that's what she wanted and she said no, she wanted to have coffee.

    During the afternoon though, I had some clarity for the first time regarding her. I realised that I don't want a relationship with her - in fact, after my history, I don't want a relationship with anyone. What I did want was to be friends with benefits if you know what I mean. When we met for coffee after work, I told her this. She's had one of these friendships before and said how it was a nightmare because the other person wanted more from her than she wanted to give. I said then of course it was never going to work. However, when two people want the same thing, then those kinds of friendships can work - and that I've had them with men before. And so it went on. I also said that I have known for a long time that my marriage wasn't right and said about 2 years ago to myself and a friend that if this one failed that I would not ever get married again. I'm really quite happy to be on my own and hence only needing a friend with benefits.

    She needs to process everything. She said she would write a long email as that's how she normally deals with things. I said I was going to speak to my husband but wanted to speak to her first to see if I can get some clarity. She said just because I like her, doesn't necessarily mean I'm gay and I agreed, that I'm just questioning everything but that I'd never felt like this towards another woman or done anything with another woman. She said I SHOULDN'T tell him about my questions regarding my sexuality until I know more. This upset my balance though because which ever way my conversation with her went, I was going to tell him my sexuality was in question. Now I'm not going to mention that until I know more.

    What I did get from her though was an admission that she is attracted towards me and it's not one-sided on my part. She also said if she was 20 years younger that she'd "jump my bones"!!!!

    I guess I just have to be patient and see what time does to her thought process.

    I went home and told my husband that I definitely never wanted sex again (I said it was partly to do with too much water under the bridge and how that part of me was not there anymore) but that I also didn't want a divorce. I said things were not so bad between us and apart from sex, everything else in our marriage is good i.e. we can rely on each other, talk to each other about everything, are on the same wavelength intellectually and on everything, are best friends etc. He was probing loads and trying to figure out how I could feel like not splitting up and yet not want sex, or more specifically, to be intimate. Due to my trigger saying not to mention anything to do with sexuality until I figure if I'm properly gay or just attracted to her, I didn't mention anything about that. However, at least I've got the ball rolling. It would be tragic if we split up because I genuinely could live with him but I'm not sure he could cope with that - particularly if I do turn out to be gay and this isn't just a one off, because it would mean me having intimacy with someone else which he, I don't think, would be able to tolerate.

    So I've done the really hard bit of telling my trigger how I felt (shit, I was soooo nervous) but feel like I've only told my husband half the story. I'm due to have dinner with my trigger on Monday night anyway (a pre-arranged date) which will still go ahead. By then, she would have had the weekend to think about things and should hopefully know more in her own mind where she stands. After dinner on Monday, I think I will have to tell my husband the rest of the story because even if I still don't know if I'm gay or if this is just a one-off, I think it only fair he knows. I can wait till then though because I'm keen to know what my trigger concludes.

    I'll keep you updated. Thanks for listening and sorry this is such a long post.

    Just adding in a question, how DO I figure out if I'm gay or if it's just her?
     
    #300 JB1973, Oct 2, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2014