So much anxiety.....

I'll try music. I bet I can find something happy.

I dont know which T Swift hairstyle is current. Could you post a picture of it?

You are ok, CG. It's not like all gay guys are the same and want one type of person and all straight girls are the same and want only one kind of person. People are attracted differently, not just based on gender. You just havent had the right person at the right time yet. You are good and good enough. The right person will appreciate you.

 

You can ask them about their experience. I tend to not trust the people who list *all* the topics as their "specialty".

---------- Post added 1st Oct 2016 at 09:34 AM ----------

If your school has an lgbt center, they might know someone they recommend. Worth an email.

---------- Post added 1st Oct 2016 at 09:36 AM ----------

And, that hairstyle is cute and could be reasonably androgynous if needed, depending on your style. There are youtube videos about styling that might help you figure out if you can make your hair type do that.

 

Yeah, fancy hair takes work. Have you ever blow dried your hair while combing/brushing to see how curly it still is then? .... I think I want you to pretend you are at a 7th grade sleepover and just play with hair and whatever. Makeover night.

---------- Post added 2nd Oct 2016 at 09:57 AM ----------

I am struggling with procrastination/poor productivity. Need to do something.

Positive thing. The menstrual cup is the best invention ever. Love. It.

 

Cool. Could you remind us in your signature maybe?

Yeah, most hair fixing starts with blow drying. Which, you know, I only do like once per month, lol. That plus some kind of product I don't understand, and you're good.

 

I love pinterist a lot. I have several hidden boards where I think about who I think is hot or queen clothing styles or whatever. I wonder if you would enjoy putting together one or more boards of styles you like. You already have a hairstyle to pin.

 

Good luck on your test today, Sav.

I took a phone call then got randomly sad and stuck for like an hour. I can.... stand up and take my zoloft.... I think... Did that. I can put on real pants.... Did that. I can brush my teeth.... did that. I can make a sandwich for lunch.... Did that. I can load the dishwasher... ok, did that, though half of the last load needed to be rewashed. Thanks, sweet potato soup pot, for spreading orange grime. Ok, I can... gather up my stuff to walk to the office.... out the door! Being a person! Only 92 minutes after I intended! Sigh. I think I should pop on here later today and process some.

---------- Post added 4th Oct 2016 at 10:35 AM ----------

Because my shirt is too short and my dress pants are too long, I'm wearing my pants belted Taylor Swift high on my waist. I'm going to be missing my pockets by 4-6 inches all day....

 

Ugh, Nair smells like a hair salon in 1989. I've never used veet. Anything I care about I wax or tweeze or trim. Let me know if you want my lessons learned on the waxing.

 

Boo. One of the supervisors wants to meet with me. Arg. In trouble.

Last night I had a dream that my old boss from my last job called and re-fired me from that job.

I don't think this boss will fire me. Might put me on a corrective action plan, though.

 

Ok. Met with the supervisor. She's not my direct supervisor. She's more like the fix-the-problems supervisor for when something is too involved for my direct supervisor to handle. That's me. The slowest gazelle. I was super sad when one of our coworkers left a couple months ago, because she was previously occupying that slot and the fix-the-problems supervisor's attention. Now that would be me.

Good thing, she is trying to be helpful. And because it affects our whole office culture, she is concerned for my friendship-relationships in addition to my coworker-relationships with the people who are here. She really wants to help.

One thing that's clear, if I quit going to my therapist, then at some level my job may be at risk. Like, I almost emailed her yesterday in order to say I'm not going to come again, at least not for several months, because of my financial situation. Well, credit card debt be dammed, I need some therapy, and I will find some way or other for my therapist checks to not bounce, if I want to not have supervisors recommending that perhaps I should be obtaining my paycheck elsewhere.

We kept circling around. I feel very broken. Basically I have a shit ton of therapist friends and coworkers who know me varying degrees of well who are kind of saying they don't understand what my problem is. It's kinda like, no one including me can conceptualize my case. When fix-the-problems supervisor finally left to go home, I was like, shit, I probably have a personality disorder, because no matter how much I dig, I can't get to the bottom of my shit. I read through the personaliity disorder criteria. I was like, shit, I have like three of them. I thought, enneagram stuff kind of deals with aspects of personality disorder, but without labeling things as an incurable disorder. Instead, enneagram stuff tries to actually show you how to get better on your path, whether it's spiritual or psychological or practical. Looked up some ennagram type nine stuff. At the lowest level of functioning, the article said that type nines are sometimes dx with schizoid or dependent personaility disorders. Went to a psych website to read again about dependent personality disorder symptoms. Yup, those sound like my recent problems. Back to the enneagram type 9 article. Read from the bottom up on the descriptions of levels of health for this personality. I can think of times of my life that I have been everywhere from level 3 (pretty damn good) to level 9 (the bottom, doing really, really shitty). Ok. So, I'm not stuck forever at the bottom of level 8 or 9 because I have a bad personality. I am not stuck this way based on who I am. But, this may mean that I can't find a *thing* to pin my problems, feelings, negative thoughts on. There may always be a *thing* around that is causing the flavor of the week problem, but it's kind of a mirage. There really may be no *thing*, rather, like, a gravity well of thinking that my personality may be especially drawn to, and I have to call it out, recognize that it's unhealthy, choose to avoid those patters of thinking and patters of doing. Largely, when I start thinking that I'm unloved, unloveable, unwanted, deeply broken, incompetant, incapable, a bad person, etc etc etc etc, I should not look for the reason. I should recognize it, realize that's wrong, and tell myself the very different truth.

Ok. So, I'm still kind of enneagram new, but it's pretty damn helpful. I shall rephrase and retype this list of things from Dr. Internet which I should try in order to grow as a person and also feel less like shit.
-Think about what I want. What are my values and goals. Don't just go to Wendy's because my friend is going to Wendy's if I really have strong feelings about going to Moe's instead. Learn to speak up for myself and ask my client's mom to not smoke around me because I have asthma and am recovering from freaking pneumonia rather than just accepting it because I don't want to inconvenience others, in order to keep them liking me.
-Keep working on being more mindful, in the moment, prestent. Notice when I'm doing things to avoid or numb out. Minimize those things. At least have just one instead of like 3 at once, lol.
-Notice my negative feelings and impulses. Be kind to them. Validate them. Find a way to express them appropriately, deal with them, tell them the more positive side of the truth, give my own feelings a hug.
-Be brave enough to examine the unhealthy patterns in my relationships and life. Work through these things. Learn from them.
-Exercise, preferably without numb-out distractions. Connect with my body. Don't just be busy or in motion. Connect. .... And since my skin's real dry today, I should get some lotion to help me connect with my body, too.
-Notice when my attention is going to others and what they need. Bring my attention back to myself and what I need. This will actually help me be a better helper.
-When I feel resistance/inertia/stuck/passive about something, validate to myself that I would not feel this way if something weren't important to me. Treat that stuck feeling with kindness, validate my values, take one step at a time.
-Keep reminding myself that I am important and have value.
-Explore what my values and priorities are, what my goals are, what I really want, not what I *should* want or what others want or (gasp) what others think I *should* want. Figure out what is in my center of gravity instead of letting my center wander around to everyone else, looking for a home.

Damn, this new bluetooth keyboard is so damn loud especially on this hollow plastic table. Returning focus to my needs.

So, things I'm doing well recently. I'm working well on mindfulness and meditation, on noticing my attention, on redirecting my attention, on having fewer distractions at a time. That's pretty good. And, it's cool that I have all these little kids Iwork with who can benefit from exactly the same things I'm working on, so I can also teach it.

Next action steps for tonight. Email my therapist. Write lots of documentation tonight to help me have money to be able to go see my therapist. Type, draw, mess with index cards, whatever about my own goals, priorities, values. Especially priorities. I did a lot of values work this weekend, which was helpful and bears revisiting in the future. But the word priorities is resonating with me today, for many reasons.

Ok. Like, I seriously want comfort food. And for me that means sushi, like half a gallon berry rain flavor gatorade, baked lays chips in the yellow bag, and ice cream, such as cookies and cream flavor. I should be cheap and eat a sandwich or something at home. But, I do have muffin mix. I could totally make the wildberry muffins. That would be awesome. Oh, and Istill have bubble tea stuff and the blender is clean. I can totally make bubble tea tonight. That will help me feel good.

 

I'm sorry, friend. I cried so much yesterday, too, though for very different reasons. I wish I had advice to make you feel better. Maybe we can at least imagine sitting on the couch with loads of chocolate and popcorn and Dr Pepper and watching TV together, just knowing you aren't by yourself.

Lately I've been watching the first season of Avatar The Last Airbender for the first time on Amazon. It's happy. I wish I had a flying 6 legged bison or whatever that thing is. What show would you suggest we watch for Chocolatefest 2016?

Last night I messaged with a few different friends and of course got crying again. The last girl i talked to was especially helpful. She thought that whichever coworker-friends were talking to this supervisor are not actually such good friends really, and that they are kind of scapegoating me, possibly gaslighting me a little bit and making me feel crazier than I am. She thinks that because I'm the lone extrovert in this giant group of introverts, they are pathologizing my need to have company, and they are finding me emotionally draining because their own stress plus introversion is making it hard to be around someone who is stressed and wants them around. She thinks that if they were ready to be my friend no matter what, they would suck it up occasionally and come eat a sandwich with me anyway. She's the best. So thankful for her.

One of the other people I messages yesterday was so confused by the whole thing, saying that I'm one of the least draining people she knows, she doesn't feel that way that the other people were talking about, and she has been too out of the loop of office drama to hear others complain about it.

So, yes, I have a problem getting my paperwork done. And, yes I am kind of depressed and want/need to continue practicing loving myself and being kind to myself. But I can let this shit go of coworker-friends thinking I'm super inexplicably broken. The gap that we couldn't understand in this situation is probably their unacknowledged stress and bias, not my secret problems. I will not let their shit make me feel crazier than I am. I can accept that those friends are a certain kind of friends, and maybe not the kind of friends I need to rely on regularly.