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So much anxiety.....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Katchoo, Sep 7, 2016.

  1. Katchoo

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    Lol, this is a thread for people. You're fine.
     
  2. BrookeVL

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    I know. I was just being a dweeb. Trying to think of which direction I want to take this speech for my stupid speech class. Not loving it. I may have t o work on it tomorrow after class, which will probably work better anyway. And I should write some more journals for English.

    Too much work causing anxiety again.
     
    #102 BrookeVL, Sep 22, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2016
  3. Katchoo

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    So, I've been feeling pretty shitty the last couple days. Sleep problems had definitely been part of it. This may be ridiculous, but I think I'm having some degree of Klonopin withdrawl. The nausea, headaches, fatigue, sweating, chills, hand tremors, irregular sleep patterns, feeling in a fog, and dark thoughts... all kind of fit. I wasn't talking a high dose. I've had it about 3 weeks. Just wondering if that's why I feel like shit. I would like to not have a headache and go more than 3 hours without nausea or stomach pain.

    So, in the future, I will choose to avoid benzos. Should probably hand the rest of this bottle to someone.
     
    #103 Katchoo, Sep 23, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016
  4. BrookeVL

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    I'd say that sounds like a good idea. If it doesn't work for you/makes you feel worse, why take it?
     
  5. Katchoo

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    Well, taking it makes me feel better. But, I do t want to have to have it to feel ok,
     
  6. BrookeVL

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    It sounded to me like it makes you feel better in the moment, but later you feel sick? I suppose it's a matter of if it's worth the trade off.

    I really don't want to go to work tonight(It's a short shift, 3 to close, but still), I'd much rather stay home and get some academics accomplished. But I guess I'll have to go, cause money.

    I guess I'll see what I can get done between then and now....
     
  7. Katchoo

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    Hey, sorry I haven't posted here in a hot minute. When I find myself waiting around, I start to post, and it so ehow makes the thing im waiting on hurry up by murphys law. Good trick.

    So, I have this vague desire to write B back, finally. But I feel like the second letter will set the tone for any future correspondence. And i dont know what i want that to e to be. So I don't know what to talk about. Maybe just goats.

    That would be pretty weird, but as I said in the first letter, I have to embrace the awkwardness.

    I'll let you know if I write/send it,
     
  8. BrookeVL

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    I really don't want to do this speech. It's terrible. I worked hard on it, but it still sucks. I'm pretty sure it's more persuasive than informative, but I'm over even giving a shit. I need a transition between my body and conclusion, but I don't feel like the speech needs one. But it's required. I hate this class.

    ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2016 at 10:24 PM ----------

    Oh, and I still need to put together power points. That's easy though.
     
  9. Katchoo

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    We can do it.

    I'm watching last night's debate on youtube. It's kind of hilarious and frightening. So obvious who wins this.
     
  10. BrookeVL

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    That debate...I watched about ten minutes. Couldn't bring myself to watch more. Ugh.

    I think I'm going to start doing Pilates. A girl in my math recommended one. And she's cute as heck(far too young for me though, 18). She was like "Here, do this until you can get to the gym again." Sounds good, I need to do something physical again.
     
  11. Katchoo

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    Cool. Pilates can be intense. You may be able to find some videos for free on youtube or from several apps, etc.

    I'm looking forward to trying curvyyoga.com. They have a few free videos. A minor financial goal is to be able to afford $20 per month by January when they reopen enrollment to their online streaming service.
     
  12. BrookeVL

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    This one has some free stuff, which is nice.

    Today I feel really okay. As in, I'm fine being a guy. Actually that's been the past few days. I'll go with it for now.
     
  13. Katchoo

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    I wrote a letter and printed it last night. I'll read it again tonight and decide if I want to mail it or not. Really, I think I threw away the envelope from her, so I'll have to google stalk her address again. Whoops.
     
  14. Katchoo

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    CG, I'm really glad you can have some days that aren't consumed with dysphoria. :slight_smile:

    I don't know if this will work for trans dysphoria or not, but research says that overall body image improves when you focus on what you can train your body to do rather than on what your body looks like. So, stuff like pilates, yoga, sports, etc might be helpful in that regard?
     
  15. BrookeVL

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    That's what I'm thinking. Yoga and pilates are fun, so I'm thinking maybe physical activity will help. I felt great a few months ago when I was still going to the gym...

    Also, this girl. We saw each other again, today when she came to pick up her phone. Definitely felt a connection. A strong one at that. She's 19,(I didn't know this when I asked her out), but it doesn't seem like the age difference is an issue. We're both looking at it like "We're adults who like each other, so what."

    It's weird, but she made me feel like a man(I know, cliché). Right now I feel like a man who has issues with his gender, but still definitely a man. It's funny, cause a few days ago I was like "I should find a way to get on HRT." now I'm just like, "I'm cool being a hairless dude."

    I still identify with "Savannah" a little bit though, so who knows.

    ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2016 at 11:46 PM ----------

    Also, I'm wondering when a good time to have the "I like dudes and dated one once" conversation is. Maybe I should hold off on that one a while?
     
  16. I'm gay

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    I've been feeling a lot of anxiety today. I don't know why. There's nothing really going on today that should cause these feelings, but I've been really feeling down today.

    Maybe tomorrow will be better.
     
  17. BrookeVL

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    I texted her and she hasn't gotten back to me. Anxiety ensues.

    Also, feeling really girly right now.
     
  18. Katchoo

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    Why the hell did I think it was a good idea to watch The Witch after midnight? (Available to stream free on amazon prime.) Lol, maybe I would rather be nervous about fiction than reality. Or practice calming myself down by trying to stay calm while the devil-goat trots around the barnyard.

    So glad my friends' goats were all disbudded as babies so they don't have horns.

    We are going to be ok.

    I dont have work obligations till like noon, so I may just turn on all the lights and do something productive until I think I can lay still without hearing the Choir Of Hell in my head. Arg, weird movie soundtrack.
     
    #118 Katchoo, Sep 29, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2016
  19. Katchoo

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    So, friends, looking for some help on a long term problem.

    I do not like showing. I resist it real hard. I find it weird that even though i love water, have an aquarium in almost every room and on the back porch, but hate the shower. Sometimes a bath is ok, but that's for relaxing, not getting clean. I feel like I need a shower after a barh.

    In college, when I was busy closeting in myself, I had depression/anxiety/eating disorder/self harm. I had panic attacks in the shower and hurt myself in the shower more than anywhere else. I wonder if I did it there in part because of the privacy. And I hated my body, so interacting with it was bad.

    I feel like I need something to try to change this association or make it seem like a different situation or distract myself or something. I put some computer speakers on a shelf in the bathroom so I can play podcasts on my phone and actually hear them over the water, and that helps a little. I wonder if I could come up with some kind of visualization routine or something. Any ideas?
     
    #119 Katchoo, Sep 30, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2016
  20. BrookeVL

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    I should really be doing power points for my speech. I slept through my 8am class today. She's not texting me back. Apparently she has a boyfriend as was just playing games with me. Why do women do this? Is there something wrong with me? I'm not gay enough for guys, and not straight enough for girls maybe?

    ---------- Post added 30th Sep 2016 at 01:59 PM ----------

    Try singing. Perhaps just concentrating on another activity is all you need to not think about that. Put music on those speakers and sing along.