So much anxiety.....

*Hugs* I'm sorry this hurts so much, Sav. I really wish I had magic words to fix it. I'm so sorry.

Coming out day is Tuesday. Maybe I can use that as motivation to co e out to grandparents and or talk to dad again.

Im kind of sad I cant be in Texas for my nephew's second birthday party today.

Yesterday was pretty good. I did t do my documentation. But, otherwise, I felt like I made yesterday pretty good. I ca do a similar thing today.

Day is starting right when im laying in bed and my little bitty whity cat is laying on my back, snoring tiny, adorable cat snores into my ear.

 

I didn't make it to my friend's shower today. I was nervous about meeting new people. Also, turns out it was like an hour and a half away.

I'm nervous/excited about Pride tomorrow. A straight friend might meet me there if she can find a baby sitter, but maybe not. I'm looking at the website for the lesbian bar where some stuff is happening, and I'm so excited and nervous, like, I've barely gone to regular bars, much less one full of women who like women. Trying to decide whether or not to drink tomorrow, and whether or not to take my own.... probably yes. Since I missed Dragoncon (stupid pneumonia) I kinda want to make up for it. ... Hoping I can be cute. Hoping I can be brave. Wishing a friend was going. Silly excuses like, I have a wedding to plan. I've spent the last month doing stuff for my best friend's wedding and I need to stay home, I have to attend a wedding.... one of these at least better be a gay wedding comma dammit. Aaah, hand flappy antsy.

So, I distressed some old jeans some more so there are more holes to see the socks through, and I have some rainbow arm warmers. I want to find a necklace or something. I wish my closeted self had invested in more rainbow stuff.... once my closeted self did by this rainbowish beach towel at big lots. I really liked having it, even though in my own head I referred to it as my Gay Shame towel, since at the time I felt like I had no Gay Pride. The towel is totally going with me to Trans Yoga in the morning at the park.

Aaaaaaahhhh, this is real!

There's a Gaymers area with board games. I should probably hang out there to meet people rather than trying to act cooler than I am at the bar. I will at least visit the bar.... But, lesbians etc playing nerdy games sound more my speed and more approachable.

---------- Post added 8th Oct 2016 at 08:41 PM ----------

Also, why do I get hungry like every 2 hours?! Blarg, tummy, stop being so needy.

 

Oh, I just noticed you changed your profile gender, Sav. Good for you! You are out to a few more people about gender now though. You're doing better than your profile says.

Did you manage to call the counseling center or whatever on Friday?

You know I dont want to miss pride when I wake up at 550 without an alarm. Super sleepy, but no going back to sleep. I'm nervous excited.

 

Or I did fall back asleep. I thi k I needed rest more than ypga. Still gotta go....

 

Reporting live from Atlanta pride!

I didn't make it to the yoga in the park as planned, but I really lucked out with the parade. I found a spot about 5 minutes before the front of the parade got to our area. After 2 hours of parade, I jumped ship and went exploring. Im finally sitting down to eat something. There are a few more things I want to find, but I don't think I'll stay too late. I'm pretty nervous about post pride public transit out to the last stop on the Marta line.

During the parade, I smiled til my cheeks hurt and my gums were dry. Facial muscles I didn't know were involved in smiling got sore. It was so encouraging to see so many companies and people and politicians etc who were happy to come be in a parade to say they support us, and also to see the companies' employees in the parade being out and silly and happy while representing their employers. So cool.

Coming from the Marta stop, the first bit of the parade route we encountered was full of protesters. Shame signs and angry religion through a bull horn does not seem likely to win converts, especially when not 30 yards away there was all this joy and acceptance and love. There was this one guy with a small amplification system who kept walking around in the crowd, satin things like, "God delivered me from a lifestyle of fornication. He delivered me from drugs and alcohol...." I wanted to be like, well, I hope he delivers you from being an asshole, cuz we're trying to enjoy a parade here.

I've been too shy to try to make friends. I've spoken a little bit to a few people. If I can find the place in the park with the board games, maybe I can make a friend there.

I'm kind of jealous of the people wearing their flags like capes. I never really wanted a big flag until I realized I could wear it like a cape.... Even the little flags are cool. Like, you don't actually need a pride specific outfit if you are holding a flag in your hand.

Ok. Later, friends.

 

Sav, I kind of think the "too sure" question might be a good one to ask the gender identity thread. It seemed like you were disappointed that you didnt get much response to your first thread over there, but this question would be a good one to try again on.

---------- Post added 10th Oct 2016 at 01:12 PM ----------

One of the weird moments at pride yesterday.... Like an hour and a half into watching the parade, I mentally pulled back, not quite dissociated but definitely like observing myself in the experience, and in my head I was like, "Is this real? Am I here? Am I really gay? Did I make all this up?" Sometimes it's really weird that I feel like ive just invented all this somehow. Probably not?

---------- Post added 10th Oct 2016 at 01:23 PM ----------

Pride was interesting for noticing my own reactions and feeling about thing. A good bit, I was noticing ambivalence about accepting my tribe because of the damn internalized homophobia. Most of my life ive been taught to think that lgbt people are gross, and sometimes i have thought that of other people to try to avoid thinking it about myself. But, i know that these are my people, and sometimes they were extremely affirming and nomalizing. Sometimes I wanted to shout that they were my people, and other times I found myself judgier than I wanted to be. But, yeah, my reactions were all over the map. Kind of helpful to observe in myself. Kind of assess where I am. I don't think I'm *supposed to* be at any other point right now. Just good to have a point on the time line, maybe that I will see progress from in the future.

Also I observed hat the shame feelings were smaller but the fear feelings insisted on attention frequently, especially on marta or walking a few blocks away from the park. There were times when I would try to tone down my pride-ness by removing rainbow accessories, and I didnt like having to do that. When accessorized, though, I assumed that all the road rage yelling was at me, and I worried that someone would try to run me over in the crosswalk.

And, sometimes I would see people being affectionate publicly, and something in my head would scream, "That's not safe!" Oddly, people walking around in rainbow boxer briefs and rainbow feathered wings didn't set off that alarm, lol. I guess because I relate more to wanting to show public affection to a girl and less to a desire to walk around gayly nearly naked.

 

Struggling with the productivity but feeling hopeful that it will get better.

 

Aw! You look so cute as Ana!

 

Still debating about facebook posting before midnight (half an hour). I think I would just privacy edit my uncle out, so he wouldnt be an asshole to my mom.

I think I would share this video and just be like, I really do love a good flannel. Happy Coming Out Day.

https://youtu.be/SQvVALhvxjY

I did reply to someone else's post in a way at was subtly self outing, but few people will see that.

---------- Post added 11th Oct 2016 at 11:34 PM ----------

I'm worried about all the Christian people from my previous u er religious life. And my church people who supported me through years of celebacy. It's beeen right at a year since I contacted my old mentor in any meaningful way. I worry about letting her down after she helped me with devotion for like 5 years. "Helped" is loose, I guess. She extended support, even if iy was unintentionally harmful. She totally meant to help.