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So much anxiety.....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Katchoo, Sep 7, 2016.

  1. BrookeVL

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    Oh yes, we can talk about pretty girls too! I started last season of Once Upon a Time, we should watch that.

    I'm better than last night. I'm uncomfortable with my body, but that's pretty much normal now. I wish I would stop getting erections for no apparent reason. Once every few weeks, just to keep the nerves viable would be fine. I know hormones will take care of that, but that will be a while before I can even get on them.

    I'm looking at clothes now, which is making me feel better. Too bad I have no money....

    At least you have two co-workers on your side Katch!

    ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2016 at 12:10 PM ----------

    Oh yes, we can talk about pretty girls too! I started last season of Once Upon a Time, we should watch that.

    I'm better than last night. I'm uncomfortable with my body, but that's pretty much normal now. I wish I would stop getting erections for no apparent reason. Once every few weeks, just to keep the nerves viable would be fine. I know hormones will take care of that, but that will be a while before I can even get on them.

    I'm looking at clothes now, which is making me feel better. Too bad I have no money....

    At least you have two co-workers on your side Katch!
     
  2. Katchoo

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    I watched a few seasons of Once. Not sure where I left off. I'll start it again someday. Are you saying there's an extra pretty girl this season?

    I'm glad you're feeling a little better. If you spend some time really thinking about your style instead of just buying random stuff, I bet you'll save money long term. Maybe if you dig through the sofa cushions, you can go to the thrift shop with that Macklemore song in your head.

    I've been at home all day trying to catch up on paperwork. Yay for pj workday. I need to go to the office in a few minutes for an appointment and some other things. I feel nervous. I feel like I need to go b over the top cheesy on my positive self talk to feel ok.

    Gotta put on real pants. Sigh. It will be ok.
     
    #142 Katchoo, Oct 5, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2016
  3. BrookeVL

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    Well, I have a hard on for the Evil Queen, Regina. lol I mean I wish I didn't LITERALLY have one...you know.

    I was feeling better, now I feel like crying again. I'm giving myself until New Years, Jan. 1 I come out. F the consequences, I don't know if I can make it that long.

    Yeah. I'm probably just going to go with the basics. Undies obviously, a couple pairs of jeans, a skirt, a few pairs of leggings(I love those things, can't wait to wear them as pants), a dress, and whatever tops look cute. I'm imagining a fairly similar version of my own style, just femmed up.

    As far as makeup, I'm thinking just enough to give my face a feminine look, though I'm lucky, I don't think I have a hyper masculine face, and I know E will change it a bit anyway....God I can't wait for my hair to grow out. And I need to shave again. My friend at work wants me to bring back the beard. Ha! Nope.

    And making this post makes me want to cry less....sigh.
     
  4. Katchoo

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    I feel sad that is been over 48 hours since my best friend has contacted me at all or responded to me at all. I got too pushy about something and it hurt her. Based on the other stuff going on, she b won't be v in a good emotional space for like 3vweeks. Because of the other things. I'm very sad to consider 3 weeks without talking to my friend, and that 3 weeks of a silent grudge will probably be more than the friendship can recover from.

    Tonight when I saw a different friend, S, I said the most awkward, stupid things. And she looked so annoyed and pissed. And then she and the other girl who really dislikes me, L, got up and left with the lamest excuses ever. I know this drama is only on part with 4th grade lunch tables. But, I do feel sad about it. Also, I feel sad that this process, including me trying to speak up for myself and like have opinions, is telling me that a lot of my friends were probably never particularly good friends.
     
  5. BrookeVL

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    Hey, I'm your friend, no matter what. They'll come around, did you try apologizing?

    If I get kicked out, I'll move to Georgia and we can go shopping!
     
  6. BrookeVL

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    Another crying fit tonight. And I mean sobbing, but trying to keep the volume down so no one hears. I hate this.
     
  7. Katchoo

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    Im so sorry! You mentioned once that your school has free counseling? Would you be willing to look up their conact info today? Even if all they do is help with some coping skills, it might be worth it. But they will probably do better than that.
     
    #147 Katchoo, Oct 6, 2016
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  8. looking for me

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    regarding the clothes, have you tried looking at the bulletin boards at school for clothing swaps? (I think I remember you're in University) as well, is there an LGBT center/group at your school? they may have contact info for a trans* support group in your area or on campus. Pflag is usually a good resource for this stuff as well, works for me anyway. sometimes thrift shops have bag days, all you can stuff in a certain size bag for a set low price. if you fold it right you can get a lot in a small space.
     
  9. BrookeVL

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    Yeah, I was just thinking that I should go see the counsellor one day next week, or sooner if I can get in.


    No one really posts things on the bulletin boards, I've looked and all I see are things about tutoring center, academic honesty, and reporting suspicious/bad/destructive behavior. (So basically what the school posts) We don't have an LGBT center(this is a small community college), but we have a GSA, but I'm not sure how trans friendly they are.

    Remember though, I can't really wear most of this stuff anyway yet. At least not without raising suspicion.
     
    #149 BrookeVL, Oct 6, 2016
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  10. looking for me

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    does the GSA have an email or website? make a burner account and contact/feel them out that way? and thrift shops might be the way to go, especially now that you need that "Halloween" costume.....:icon_wink
     
  11. BrookeVL

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    They do. But it worries me they don't mention trans students in their description. Only gay and lesbian. I actually think I'd be more comfortable on the internet, just having it gift wrapped(Oh, must be for his GF or something). Old Navy has a few super cute dresses on clearance starting at $10 and going down from there. And the leggings from AE....
     
  12. BrookeVL

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    I came home in between classes, and I'm starting to cry again. I pretty much failed my history test because I couldn't focus long enough to write anything for the essay portion, and I was woefully unprepared anyway. I made coffee, that should help.

    So I came home to cry, basically. I need to find a therapist stat. It's now staring to interfere with my life in a negative way. I have to be strong, no matter what. I can't let my life turn into cry, school/work, cry again, sleep, coffee, more crying.....

    I feel like my family won't be able to accept this. If I was just transgender but straight, or gay but still cis, I feel like they'd be somewhat accepting. But "I'm transgender, and still like women, therefore a lesbian" seems like that' TOO much "abominations in one. I can't let myself think like that though.....
     
  13. Katchoo

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    I speak here as a therapist, so, bias up front.

    Though I would prefer you have a therapist who understands gender issues, you need someone stat, and you're worried about money. So, it would make sense to me that you use this free or nearly free resource for the time being, with the understanding that at some point you will be referred out to a specialist. Helping you cope with this anxiety and pain is something that any decent therapist should be able to do, and that's probably the first thing you need. I guess, think of the school therapist as like your starter therapist who can help you find a specialist as one of your therapy goals. That way you won't get overwhelmed so much looking for a gender therapist, because you will have a helper. It's a first step, and nice that it's not an overwhelmingly large first step.

    ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2016 at 04:13 PM ----------

    Also, let us recall that my mom, who is legit crazy and also has major issues with black people and white people marrying each other, was shockingly OK when I come out. Other than planning for safety, which is prudent for everyone, don't borrow trouble. It might go better than you expect.
     
  14. BrookeVL

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    I know. I'm going to look into it after math, which I'm about to head off to now.

    And the thought that they would accept me(I'm not expecting them to be thrilled) as their daughter is just about the only thing that keeps me going. I had a dream last night where I came out, and my mom's only response was "No shit, Sherlock. Now why did it take you almost 30 years to figure it out and tell us?"

    Perhaps not all at once. Leave sexuality out of it for now.
     
  15. Katchoo

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    Today, moving and getting things done has been fairly impossible. It's that emotionally unplugged version of anxiety. Again, I had a phone call in the morning and then froze. I need to figure out and solve the phone then freeze pattern. But, yeah, even getting started fixing food didn't happen until I had been hungry for like 2 hours. No wonder the pneumonia pounds have stayed off.

    I really need a shower. I can.... pick out clean clothes and turn the water on to warm up.
     
  16. BrookeVL

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    Awww, You can do it Katchoo. I believe in you!
     
  17. Katchoo

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    I have decided that I am going to have a good day no matter what. I'm going to have good sessions. I'm going to do my documentation. I am going to spend a few minutes at least in the hammock (unless it rains, in which case I'll do something else nice for mysel that I really enjoy. I will make it a good day, regardless of how I feel, regardless of what happens.

    I need to power through emailing my therapist back. She emailed me this morning more or less saying she was going to close my case if Idon't contact her. Last night I thinkk I found a way to open the conversation with her of expressing my conflicting situation, and maybe we could open up a dialogue about it and find a creative solution.

    I need to manage my anxiety today regarding a court hearing for some foster kids I've been working with for three years. There are lots of reasons that today could be especially terrible or wonderful (or both) in that case, and I have no idea what's going to happen, and they decided to not subpoena like any of the service providers, so we have no access to the process. Ikind of feel like the judge is shaking a yahtzee cup full of children's lives. Breathe....

    Ok. Going to email the therapist now, and then i can be proud of myself for doing a hard thing.

    ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2016 at 09:58 AM ----------

    I emailed her! Yay!
     
    #157 Katchoo, Oct 7, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2016
  18. BrookeVL

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    I've also decided I'm going to have a good day. Dysphoria is quite mild today, and very manageable. My penis only feels weird, and I'm only mildly disappointed when I see my reflection. I need to shave, I think I can manage to look at myself long enough to do it.

    I came out to some friends in our private chat last night. That's helped immensely, and they are all accepting. I even cried happy tears when they started calling me Savannah...

    So today; do some school work, shave, pay bills, go to work, get some things from the store on my way home, hopefully don't cry in bed.

    ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2016 at 10:08 AM ----------

    Also, I'm considering ordering some makeup from Amazon. What's good yet cheap?
     
  19. Katchoo

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    Atlanta Pride is this weekend. My friend, who has been completely ignoring me for three days, bailed because of some other things she has going on... not that I could coordinate a road trip with her anyway... I'm kind of ambivalent about going by myself. I messaged another friend just now (the one who looks irritated every time I've openned my mouth in the last two month) to ask if either she would like to go together or if she has advice about what to see, where to park, etc.

    Part of me really wonders if instead I should go to the wedding shower of S, my friend who is turning out to be a real diamond. She will have a lot of her good friends there, and she says she could introduce me, which would help me to maybe make some new friendships instead of continuing to persue the ones that are dying. I know there's Pride stuff on Saturday and Sunday, but I don't really know enough about it to know which day is like the most important or the best or whatever. I'm also kinda worried about getting lost, lol. I'm not very good at anything inside the perimeter of Atlanta. There are at least 30 square miles where I keep saying, "This is kinda near the Ikea, right?" Which is not a very helpful navigational tool. Please, universe, make pride near a Marta stop.... that I can figure out...

    So, I think the best solution is probably to go to my friend's shower and to go to Pride for a while on the other day.

    What do people wear at Pride? Like, Ifeel like I'm supposed to wear an outfit. And, I don't know if there will be urban rednecks on the marta who want to kill me for wearing thigh high rainbow socks?

    Now I just want to go to the store Rainbow and see if they have any cheap, awesome clothes I could use for a "pride costume". They had a skirt a while back that would have been great with the socks, and I regret not nabbing it.

    ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2016 at 10:28 AM ----------

    Sav, I am not the person to ask about ordering makup online, unless it's like stage makeup or body paint. I can give you a recommendation if you want your entire body to be green, but not if you actually want to match your skin tone.

    I really struggle with colors, differentiating between close colors, matching colors, remembering colors. So, getting the right shade of foundation is always pretty hard from me. I've learned to start with the second palest shade, lol. I wonder if you have any make up wearing friends who could help you figure that out in person? That way you don't buy foundation that makes you look orange or whatever.

    I know there are some youtube videos about contouring and stuff that some trans women do to make their face have a softer shape. You could try watching those?

    Everybody struggles with the makeup until they've had a lot of practice. Everybody has accidentally done their makeup to look like a discount sex worker. If you accidentally look more like a drag queen than you intended, no worries. That's what soap and water are for. Just try again.

    Oh, and I'm soooooooo proud of you for telling your friends. :slight_smile: Great job! And I'm so glad for you that they are supportive. :grin: So, so, so, so, so proud. You're doing great.
     
  20. BrookeVL

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    If I was near Atlanta, I'd go to PRIDE with you! I think you should go to that shower. I imagine Sunday is the big day at PRIDE, being the last night and all. And thigh high rainbow socks sound awesome! I imagine that with a PRIDE related t-shirt and a black skirt or short denim shorts(blue ones). Add converse, and BAM! PRIDE outfit!

    Yeah, I'm not expecting the first few times to look good. lol. Ideally I'd like to wear just eyeliner and some light eyeshadow and nothing else. I might need to soften things up though. And apparently there's even a technique that hides stubble....AWESOME! I'm looking at videos. I found one girl who's super cute and funny, Chelci Madonna, but she's also Cis, so maybe not well versed on trans makeup. Same with Ingrid Nilsen. I found a couple of trans girls who I like though, so we'll see.