So much anxiety.....

All the feelz.

Still recovering from illness. Meds making me shakey and tired and sad and anxious. Money stress from barely working. My boss wants me to go back to the doc, but i think theu will charge a lot of money and not do anything. The last doc just treated me like a head case even though my lungs sounded like pop rocks. Stressed about prepping for an insurance audit. Sad that cute girl hasnt texted me back in a couple days. Nervous about getting a reply letter in the mail from B. Extra nervous because my therapist is out of the country til October, so I feel no guaruntee that I will get to talk things put with anyone. I tried to schedule with a friend today, and it didn't work out.

I know I'm whining. I just need to whine for a bit. I also need to write a little for work, like one or two pages. Not that bad. Find pretty music. Write the things.

Tomorrow I plan to only see one client, so I can rest more. This client family, though, has been leaving a sociopathic homicidal child unattended with a chain saw, etc. So, that's also stressful.

Breathe. Find pretty music. Write a couple pages.

 

Lol, yes, a group of anxious gays would be oddly encouraging.

I finished the writing for phase one of the audit. Still so much to do. I was behind, then i get sick and got more behind. Now, podcast, snuggle a kitty, sleep..... i think i can do that....

 

Today im trying to rest more, do some basic house tasks, do some basic work tasks. Just be well and tred water. And read a comic book.

 

I texted cute girl. Hope she responds. I like her a lot.

I keep wanting to message my dad about the gay stuff. I know he loves me. I don't know how he's feeling about this stuff. Maybe I'll just message him about his car or something first instead of being like "Are you sure it's OK with you that I like ladies?!?!?"

Ok. Self care. I can.

 

Car problems. No money. Cant make money because of being sick and car problems. Cute girl hasnt texted back. I keep wanting the anxiety meds the doc prescribed, but they are really addictive, so im worried. Im asking friends to spend time with me, as I am running on extrovert fumes and super super lonely. No one can hang ojt til like next week. Im getting my pillow snotty. I am very, very sad.

 

I took the morning off work and just rested. Im still sad, but at least I dont have various fluids coming out my face right now. I need a plan for feeling happier.

Take medicine even though I dont want to.
Wash my face.
Brush my hair.
Wear clothes I like.
Walk to the office and ask for help with the car,
Ask my landlord to hold the rent check if she hasnt already deposited it.
Have friend help me jump the car.
If needed, have friend help me get to the auto parts store.
Be happy that is fixed and spend some minutes in the hammock.
Go to the office and do enough writing to feel a little proud of myself.
Call my 430 appointment and ask for zero smokong to happen while im there.
Go enjoy delightful foster children who live by the lake at 430.
Invite a friend for dinner.
With or without friend, have delicious soup and spicy grilled cheese.
Watch The Fosters or the new season of TrasParent if that's out.
Sleep a lot.

Ok. Sounds like a plan. I can do this.

 

Maybe if I get my car fixed I could text her with weekend plans? Idk.

 

I do want to slow down. Not sure which things I can neglect without serious problems.

Today I learned how to change my car battery. With post-pneumonia fatigue, it was real hard. But, I did it.

Cute girl texted back! Just a little. Sounds like she also has had a shitty week. Cant tell if she wants to hang out again or not.

 

I'm glad she texted back. Even if a romantic thing doesnt happen, we have all the right interests to be good friends.... you know, except the me wanting to kiss her bit. I dont know if she has the kissing interest. That might get in the way.

Im resisting sleep. Last night I had lots of stressful dreams. Probably not wanting to go back to defending myself from zombies with an ice cream scoop, or trying to escape a herd of very agressive donkeys, or giving a whole company flu shots with no training and only one syringe. None of those. I want the not stress dreams.

I havent been doing Buddhify meditations as much the last couple weeks. Maybe I can play one of the bedtime ones to try to relax here in bed. Sleepy. I can do the good sleep.

 

Maybe? I dont know. It's really hard to be patient to wait and see.

I managed to do like an hour of chores this morning! Then I had to nap for like 3h30m, lol. Better but not well. I'll see what I can get done today. I'm having that anxiety stomach feeling from all the things on the list undone. Maybe I can make a sandwich or something and get back on it.