I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Today we signed up our kids for the same summer camp so we can drop them off together in the morning and then get coffee and take the dogs to the park together every day.

 

To be clear, I'm still not expecting anything to "work out" in the sense of her feeling the same way about me. At some point, that might make me sad, but right now, what makes me soooo happy is that a person like this just wants to be around me, and I am so much more sure of myself that I can actually roll with that and enjoy just being in her presence! My friendships over the years with beautiful women have been just excruciatingly awkward. I never understood what was going on... why I felt so tortured. But this time, I know! And because I know, it's not torture at all! It's just awesome to feel this way about someone with no shame. I'm OK with keeping it like this for a while and just basking in it.

 

Haha! It's so funny, right?

 

I love sarcasm. No worries. This situation is kinda hilarious, for real, anyway.

 

Right?! It's like I just had to figure myself out, and now the kind of people I always wanted to draw to me are actually drawn to me! Probably because I exude more confidence and openness. Again, she may not be into me romantically, but it's just so thrilling anyway!

 

I sort of floated the idea of going out for a drink, but she didn't really take the bait, haha. Next weekend we will both be childless Saturday night, though, so I might get brave and ask before then. Depends how the week goes...

Thanks for what you said about the experience teaching me that I'm worth someone's time and attention, though. I think that's the big takeaway here. No matter what happens, I've been myself, been authentic, and this perfect (to me) woman is really into spending time with me. All my fears that I naturally put people like her off are melting away. It's so intoxicating!

 

OMG, good luck with that zumbaqueen! Def let me know what she responds.

Last night, we were texting all evening about this and that. She kept asking me what I was up to. We walked our dogs at the same time and texted about the weather. Gross, right? It's soooooo messing with my head. We texted each other good night.

This morning was HILARIOUS and excruciating. V texted me at 7:40 to say that H (the 3 year old) had a terrible night and was still asleep, so could I pick up C (my son's classmate) and walk her to school? You know I was on it. When we got there and we're waiting on her steps, she texted to say H woke up and insisted on going. She said she didn't want to make us late but it would be nice to walk together. So I said, hey it's just Kindergarten, no hurry, we will wait for you to come down.

Omg. It was so funny. They all came out and it was a total love fest between the kids and the dogs. As we started walking, J (my kid) and C took the front holding hands. I heard J telling her, "my dad doesn't live with us anymore. He lives on 8th St." Ha! H (she's so cute) got between me and V and held hands with both of us. We each had a dog too. We walked all the way to school like that, probably pissing everybody off because we were hogging the whole sidewalk. It was like we totally skipped the whole romance and went straight to the two mommy family. (I think I've mentioned there are LOTS of 2-mommy families in this neighborhood.) We look so perfect because I have the short dark hair, and she has the long blond hair. She has the beautiful girls, and I have the handsome boy. She has a brown dog, I have a black one. OMG so nauseating!

We tied up the dogs, took the kids in, H insisted that I pick her up and hold her the whole time. The teachers and all the other moms saw us walking into the school like that. Jeeze, I was freaking a little thinking, omg, everybody is going to think we are gay! We look so gay! HAHA! Then I'm like, wait, but I *AM* gay! Why am I freaking? OMG, what a disaster! V seemed totally non-plussed by the whole thing, and I was losing it internally wondering, does she really not get what is going on with me?! Does she get it and is just enjoying the attention, or what? I mean, like I've said before, I'm not so much of a creep that I wouldn't want to still be good friends if she is totally straight, but still...

When we said goodbye, I kind of awkwardly ran my hand along her arm, and now I feel like a loser.... like that was really weird.

I keep going back and forth between, "this is awesome that my dream woman likes me and wants to hang out with me, even if it is just as a friend," and "OMG, I'm such a loser... the cute blonde popular girl is going to figure out what a loser I am and won't want to be my friend anymore... I can't handle the rejection.... maybe I should just drop this friendship before I get in any deeper." Because, historically, that is exactly what I've done every time I've been friends with a cute blonde girl/woman. Eventually, I start being a bitch because I freak out. I am SO determined not to do that this time, but the instinct to run away is there. It's just that now, since I know what I was always so afraid of, I think I'll be able to keep this up and be a good friend to V even if it can't be more. (Unless the way I touched her arm makes her never want to talk to me again, haha.)