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I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

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  1. leb10

    leb10
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    A movie, huh? Sounds a little like a date? Can't wait to hear how it goes!
     
    #81 leb10, Jun 24, 2017
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  2. iliketolift1

    iliketolift1
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    This is the cutest thing, I'm grinning from ear to ear reading it. Hopefully everything turns out in your favour, although it has already seemed to!
     
    #82 iliketolift1, Jun 24, 2017
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  3. silverhalo

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    Good luck, I am sure you will be amazing.
     
    #83 silverhalo, Jun 24, 2017
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  4. RJay

    RJay
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    Yeah, right? Getting together at night with no kids around. YIKES. Will definitely feel different than the other times we've been together.

    I'm a wreck, people. Wish I could skip all these hours in between because I'm sure I'll be OK when I get there, but the butterflies in the meantime! OMG. I hope I can eat and drink water today. It would be a bad look to pass out on the way to the movie.
     
    #84 RJay, Jun 24, 2017
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  5. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    You just want the kiss of life
     
    #85 silverhalo, Jun 24, 2017
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  6. RJay

    RJay
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    Hush, you! :slight_smile:
     
    #86 RJay, Jun 24, 2017
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  7. IrishEyes

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    Have a fantastic time.
     
    #87 IrishEyes, Jun 24, 2017
  8. Cinnamon Bunny

    Cinnamon Bunny
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    Aww, this has been so cute and heart warming to read! Thank you for sharing!

    I think you're handling everything well and it looks like there is hope. I think taking things nice and slow honestly gives you the best chance that she'll develop feelings for you if she's into women.

    I can't help but think about my own best friend. How I was "straight" and didn't have feelings for her, until I was going through a rough patch and I was leaning on her a lot. Then a different friend asked if we were a couple, I rolled my eyes and reply in an annoyed tone, "Noo [insert name], we're just friends." Not long after that I developed feelings, months later I'm questioning my sexuality, a few months more and I'm wondering how to tell her my feelings!

    Maybe you could do some breathing exercising or meditations? I found this really helps me to calm down from emotionally high situations.
     
    #88 Cinnamon Bunny, Jun 24, 2017
  9. beagle

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    Hope everything goes well with you Rjay at the movies , As others have said i got caught up in your enthusiam and can't wait for the next chapter. You have a solid base for a relationship interms of a friendship. I still have the picture in head of you all hogging the sidewalk, walking hand in hand so romatic.:slight_smile:

    As cinnamon bunny suggested try some breathing exercise , there is the aquare method, picture a square with 1,2,3,4 on each side , breathe in for 1 , then out for 2 in for 3 and out for 4. Visialising the square helps also.
     
    #89 beagle, Jun 24, 2017
  10. I am here

    I am here
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    I need to know how it went?!?!? It all sounds super promising!
     
    #90 I am here, Jun 24, 2017
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  11. Moonsparkle

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    RJay--I'm picturing your walk to school like a movie--all of you strolling down the tree lined street, sun shining down, hand in hand. Ahhh--almost like the 'Wizard of Oz' prancing through the poppy fields scene!

    I too always have that feeling of, 'this person is surely going to figure out what a loser I am and not want to hang out with me.' As though there is this key to figuring out my loser status and once the person finds it they will bail, so maybe I should bail first before they unlock this info. Along lines of what Julien said though--this is JUST our inner dialogue, we feel that way, but feelings aren't facts (good therapy mantra I learned!). After all, I doubt either one of us are seen as 'losers' in real life...but it's tough to stop the repeat of that thought!

    Random observation--I'm not sure about you but for me good morning/night texts are generally reserved for 'more than friend' people. I don't normally text my regular friends good night. So IDK, this could be indicative of something more going on on her end too. Then to play the devils advocate side, maybe she is just one of these people who does this? Maybe she does just like the attention. But either way she really enjoys spending time with you, no doubt on that!

    As far as the 'awkward running hand along her arm'--I wouldn't stress. I think either she is not into you that 'special' way and therefore barely even noticed OR she is into you and noticed a lot. (Good way!)

    Now that your kids are chummy why not set up a casual, 'do you want to take them to the playground this afternoon' thing? This would be soooo natural, and not so loaded as asking her to go out for a drink! The playground could lead to ice cream afterwards, and then...oh wait, I'm getting way ahead of myself here:wink:. Keep us posted!

    And Zumbaqueen, keep us posted too! :slight_smile:
     
    #91 Moonsparkle, Jun 25, 2017
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  12. zumbaqueen

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    RJay I am incredibly excited for you, I hope all goes well! I can't wait to hear how it turns out for you. As far as me, the first time I met with my friend it was an awkward first date, at least for me-I wasn't sure if it was a date or if we were just getting together to talk. Now I'm considering it our first date because we have made plans for a second and we both now know there is a mutual attraction and if I consider our first meeting our first date then I should be more comfortable with the second right? LOL Our second date isn't until two weeks (difficult schedules right now) but I am so looking forward to it and yes the possibility of that first kiss with her. She's all I can think about.
     
    #92 zumbaqueen, Jun 25, 2017
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  13. Worker Bee

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    Rjay how was your evening? Hope everything went ok and in future you'll look back and consider it your first date
     
    #93 Worker Bee, Jun 25, 2017
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  14. leb10

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    I've been thinking about you today. Hope you're doing ok
     
    #94 leb10, Jun 25, 2017
  15. IrishEyes

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    Hope you're alright RJay.
     
    #95 IrishEyes, Jun 25, 2017
  16. tent71

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    Hey RJay I hope u are ok. I have been checking the post for updates.
     
    #96 tent71, Jun 25, 2017
  17. RJay

    RJay
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    OK guys... First of all, thank you sooooooo much for the support. It is so helpful, really!

    So, it was the most excruciating night of my life. We went to dinner, traveled together a long distance to the movies, watched the movie, and traveled a long distance back. The entire time, I was just beside myself. I have never in my life experienced such attraction to someone, and it was really intense and difficult to deal with. We talked so much more about our terrible experiences with our exes, the pain and loneliness of our current situations, etc. It is so incredible. But the whole time, I'm looking at her thinking it would be so easy to just try to kiss her. It was so hard to not do that! And at the movies, she cried at the least little emotional thing.. including during the previews! It's so cute that she is so super sensitive. Sigh...

    On the train ride home, I finally felt like I had to explicitly let her know I was gay, at the very least. I just couldn't handle the tension anymore. So, I managed to, somewhat awkwardly, segue into the story of how I finally decided I had to ask for a divorce. The way I told the story to her was with a bit of humor, but basically told her I had a day in which I flew into a rage at my husband and at myself for putting up with him for so long. Since I had already confessed to V that my ex was the only person I'd ever "been with", I told her that on that day in February, I sat in a cafe brooding over my past, my lack of experience, my total lack of interest in pursuing other men even though my marriage hadn't fulfilled me in the slightest. I told her that as I looked around at the people in the shop, I had a moment of reckoning in which I thought, "is it time to admit to myself that I'm just not attracted to men?" And then I told her that after having that thought, my next thought was, "wait... does that mean I'm attracted to women?" And I told her how I, for the first time, didn't push the thought immediately out of my mind, but rather I sat with it, thought about it, tried to picture myself living as a gay woman, being with another woman, and then finally just accepted that it was the undeniable truth. I was gay, always had been, and had just never had the imagination to really go there.

    OMG, telling her that story was the hardest thing I've ever done. Telling my mother and my sister was infinitely easier. And they are raging homophobes. But, to get that intimate and personal with somebody I am so attracted to and have been visualizing as a possible partner for weeks was REALLY HARD.

    Her reaction was completely and totally un-shocked. She hugged me and thanked me for telling her. She asked me for confirmation that I indeed had never slept with a woman. She asked me if I'd had any crushes on women in the past, and I said that in retrospect I had several, but I'd never been able to see it for what it was at the time it was happening. She said she wasn't shocked but also hadn't really thought about it because she knew I was just coming out of a 20 year relationship with a man.

    Then she shared that she had never been physically attracted to her husband either because he wasn't her type. So I asked her to please tell me what her type was, and she said she was more physically attracted to bigger men, taller than her, that made her feel more feminine and protected. She was so cutely embarrassed telling me that... she said she felt like it was really superficial criteria. I told her that, no, it's good to know what you want in a partner... that if you find yourself talking yourself into going with somebody -- as we both did with our exes -- that it couldn't last. I said there had to be a more visceral physical or emotional connection underlying a romance for it to really work out. She agreed.

    After that, she told me how excited she was for me that I figured this out, and that it will be fun to see how my ex will react when I wind up in a relationship with a woman and he finds out. Haha...

    So, I walked her home. We hugged, I thanked her for being so cool and listening to me, she thanked me for my openness, I told her she is just the most amazing person, she thanked me, and I left.

    I felt the hugest sense of relief for getting that out in the open, but I also felt a tremendous sense of loss. I mean, my fantasy scenario where she told me she was going through the same thing didn't happen, so my initial feeling was that there is no hope of something further here, and I'm going to have to deal with that. I slept for a few hours, woke up super early, still feeling really bad... and scared that in spite of her total coolness last night, she would now put distance between us.

    I've had a couple of conversations with other friends today about the situation, and they told me not to give up... just to keep doing what I'm doing... that V and I are now part of each other's daily lives, and there is still a possibility that a love could grow there... that maybe I opened the door a little last night and she might actually start thinking about it. I started thinking of the various gay couples I know of who started out like V and I -- one knowing they were gay, one assuming they couldn't be -- and actually got together after the "straight" woman went through a long process of coming to terms with the fact they were falling in love. These thoughts cheer me up. I'm not saying I'm sure this will happen. But, the possibility still being there does make me feel better about the prospect of just continuing to be myself and hoping she *at least* doesn't distance herself from me. As long as we continue to have the connection we have, there is hope for something to develop, and even if it doesn't, I can still enjoy the feeling of being in love and get so much out of our beautiful friendship.

    Trying to be brave... She hasn't texted today. It's really tough.
     
    #97 RJay, Jun 25, 2017
  18. IrishEyes

    IrishEyes
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    Well done RJay for telling her. I'm so sorry you didn't get the reply you wanted. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now...the sense of loss.
    Be kind to yourself and remember we are all here to support you.
     
    #98 IrishEyes, Jun 25, 2017
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  19. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Wow RJay,

    Your courage inspires me. That was a really good thing you did. Like I said previously today, the truth may hurt a little but it heals. Untruths fester and degrade your soul somehow. So I guess only time will tell if you and V become more than platonic. I know it sucks but you have to imagine being okay just being friends. I know you're holding maybe a small amount of hope that she may be able to have romantic love with a woman, but try not to let those thoughts invade your mind because it's too random. I know this is easier said than done but if you're able to truly be emotionally okay with just being friends, it will free your mind to date others. Then if by some small chance V does realize she is in love with you someday, it will just be icing on the cake...like bonus! I don't want you to give up finding love with an available (i.e. lesbian) person, even though I'm sure you cannot fathom loving anyone else right now. But you can. I'm so proud of you either way. You rock! *hugs* ♥♥♥
     
    #99 Rana, Jun 25, 2017
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  20. Worker Bee

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    Hang in there Rjay. Remember you've found an amazing new friend who you can talk to.

    Try not to dwell on the fact she hasn't replied. She might be super busy or she may be thinking over what she has learned and discovering that she may feel the same.

    I realise it's hard at the moment just give it some time. She may realise that she only thought she needed a big strong man to make her feel that way.
     
    #100 Worker Bee, Jun 25, 2017
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