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I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. Orchidea123

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    :thumbsup::bow_and_arrow::musical_score:
    Yea idsm. Love how you phrased this.
    Although, Rjay is in charge, wishing her best outcome..
     
    #641 Orchidea123, Aug 19, 2017
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  2. OED27x

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    You know, I think not revealing all the feelings is one of the things I don't like and feel comfortable with about my hetero relationships. I'm like an open book. I think that does scare people sometimes. I wasn't always like rhat! I just feel most authentic like that. AND I think that's what really attracted me to my catalyst. We were like completely intensely into feelings.
    This guy that likes me now (soccer coach) he's into sharing every detail of feelings with me, but I don't have that same attraction with him.
     
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  3. YeahpIdk

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    I haven't been too active on here in some time because of life stuff, but reading this, booooy am I brought back to the reason I landed on Empty Closets in the first place. In fact, Soundofmusic and I go way back as part of an EC crew of ladies here who were awoken by the dreaded and lovely Trigger Crush: what we call the ladies we fell in love with who made us realize we were not straight. Many of our stories didn't end too well.

    Mine happened to come about with a woman/non-binary who was openly gay. I am the reverse cliche of the "straight" who falls for their gay friend and then realizes they're gay.

    You are on cloud nine right now. I know how amazing that is...I'm almost a little envious because, even though it hurt really badly, it sure was a lot of fun! Best time of my entire love life thus far. The feelings, the highs...the incredible lows.

    I feel like no one can tell you to slow down a little. And I also don't want to be a downer because who knows, this chick may be into you. But there are some people who do truly just love attention. Especially from a pretty, androgynous/masculine, gay lady. And especially when they're going through emotional turmoil, like ending a marriage.

    Us newly gays, baby gays, baby dykes, can get a little over excited - especially with the first one.

    I promise that I know how bursting at the seams you are right now, but the downfall can be devastating in an unhealthy way. And this type of relationship, where you're keeping all of these feelings to yourself, can also become seriously unhealthy.

    I'm not sure it's possible, but I'd find a way to imagine she's straight and doesn't want to be with you at all - then be pleasantly surprised if something happens. I only say this because, it's been a few months now, and things seem to be escalating: flirting more, sending pics, etc...but no one's making it clear they like each other, and you're pining away. Just be careful :slight_smile:
     
  4. Moonsparkle

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    So true! Maybe this is why we all love this thread so much--and are drawn to RJays honesty in expressing her emotions going through it all. Ahhh...the early days of the Trigger Crush...the intensity of it all, such an awakening!

    Just to offer a flip side perspective, I'm one of those whose trigger crush did end well. She felt the same, we had a beautiful, intoxicating relationship! For quite a while.

    Until we didn't.

    And we ended it.

    So even though I did 'get the girl' in the end I STILL got hurt really badly. She got hurt. This was a hurt I had NEVER experienced before (not even when I went through my divorce.)

    I guess my point is just that you can want something so bad, and even get it. But it doesn't mean it will be forever, and it doesn't mean that you won't ultimately still get hurt. :frowning2:

    I definitely don't want to sound like a negative nellie/debbie downer here either! And I certainly don't regret anything. Even though our relationship ending has caused me a lot of emotional pain and turmoil. We make it through pain, we all eventually do. And come out stronger.

    So to end this on a more positive note. I think of whatever the outcome with our 'trigger crush' --whether it morphs into a relationship or not, successful or not--it sure teaches us a lot about us! And that can't be a bad thing! :slight_smile:
     
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  5. OED27x

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    Echoing what Moonsparkle and Yeah say about that Trigger Crush. That Catalyst. So so many of us on here because of Her. Wow. But so many of us have come so far, right! Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. But, either way we end up growing and knowing so much more about ourselves.
    Rjay, you've got a village of women supporting you in this journey. :slight_smile:
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I truely believe this.

    IMG_0537.PNG
     
  7. RJay

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    You guys are making me cry. So nice to know how many people out there "get it". I truly appreciate all your perspectives, even the ones telling me to slow down. We shall see what happens. What I know is that something will have to give if and when V and I have another one of those "dates". Those evenings we have spent together with dinner and a movie and a long walk through the city at midnight with the protracted goodnight scene at her door... Ugh, I don't think I'll get through another one of those without getting everything out there. It's just too hard. And I doubt that no matter how much I plan what I'm going to do it will go down as I've pictured it. I hate the unpredictability of this situation so so so much.

    For the very first time in my life, I know what I want, and it's standing right in front of me. It's so difficult!
     
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  8. JKCLC

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    I'm sitting here grinning like an idiot because of all this. I don't normally come into this forum, but I'm so happy I did, because this is awesome. I really hope things work out the way you're hoping they do! I read so many LGBT romance books that I feel like this could have been the first few chapters in any of them, lolol.

    I agree that I wouldn't make any declaration of feelings towards HER, but I would definitely slip in that I had realized in the last months of my failing marriage that I was attracted to women. That way, she wouldn't feel pressured to say, "I like you back," but she will at least have the opportunity to say something back if she was wanting to??? If that makes sense?? I mean, the worst that could happen is that it will just be one more thing for her to know about you, and since she seems to want to get to know you so well, that's a positive thing.
     
  9. RJay

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    Oh I told her I'm gay a couple of months ago the first time we went to the movies together. She is well aware that I'm *only* attracted to women and that I've come out to all my family and friends.
     
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  10. Moonsparkle

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    @silverhalo -Thank you so much for sharing the Reason/Season 'explanation'. I have read the short version of the quote, but never read this longer one. I'll be printing it. And re-reading it often.

    ESPECIALLY the protracted goodnight scenes at her door. Those have got to be the hardest moments by far to get through!
     
  11. RJay

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    OMG, you know it. Last time when I went for the second kiss on the cheek, I almost went for it. :flushed:
     
  12. idsm

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    Am I the only one that cannot grasp the meaning of the reason/season/lifetime and most other similar quotes?
    I've read it three times already and although I understand the words, I just don't get it. I try to apply this to the people in my life and I cannot see which category everyone fits in. I cannot see a reason behind it or a proof -if you will- of why this quote is valid. I mean, aren't there any other categories? Who knows? And if someone does how can they know?

    I'm afraid I am either too dense or too much of a rationalist... :S
     
  13. silverhalo

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    Haha I don't think you are too dense I think often with these things it depends on the way your mind works. For me I sometimes, well actually often struggle with the ending of friendships, I spend ages looking back over what happened, trying to keep in contact and wondering what I did wrong, and I don't mean friendships that ended in a arguement and someone saying that's it I never want to speak to you again, I mean ones which just drifted away. So I think this quote reasonates with me because it helps to put my mind at rest that actually I haven't done anything wrong, nobody has it has just drifted apart and perhaps served their purpose or I have served mine. I'm not saying I list my friends out and spend time wondering what category to put them in, I just think if I'm having a hard time with someone it helps me. I mean maybe it's not at all true but it's a comfort blanket to my mind and I am ok with that. It was just some previous posts about how even if RJay doesn't get the girl she will look back and see how much she gained from the experience made me think of this quote, and Moonsparkle who did get the girl, and got hurt but still wouldn't change anything about it.
    I think maybe you just don't have a crazy mind like mine, but that's a good thing trust me.
     
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  14. Rana

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    I agree with this method. Yes, you have to eventually tell her everything you feel, and yes, it sucks to have to wait but there is some practical aspects also to consider just as idsm has state above. You should do it in a sane way that doesn't scare her or isn't rushed. Only you will know when that is. Good point, idsm! :thumbsup::heart_eyes:
     
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  15. Moonsparkle

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    @idsm --Haha, no I don't think you are too dense about the Reason/Season quote either. I think I sort of have the 'comfy blanket' feeling that Silverhalo has about this quote (and all inspirational- type quotes.) It just makes me feel better about relationships in my life. I think some people are just more in need of (me=craving) 'explanations' like this to make sense of relationships. I was thinking about my ex-gf as I read it, and it was comforting to me to slip her into the reason and a bit of the season category. Like my mind was like, 'oh, okay, see, this whole thing had a purpose, she had a purpose in my life, maybe it was never meant to last a lifetime etc etc.'

    I agree that this quote can be tough to apply to all relationships in your life, but the more significant/beautiful/heart-wrenching/soul-touching they have been, the easier it is. For other 'relationships'--- for instance that with the annoying, back-stabbing, general pain in the a$% coworker-- it doesn't apply. As far as I can see there's no reason or season for THAT person in our life, can't really sugar-coat or beautifully explain the misery they bring with the reason/season quote! :wink:

    I do think Rana and idsm have a good point here. And I think I would be on board with exactly this line of thinking IF things seemed to be moving forward little by little from V's end. But at this point it's been a while, that this has been the status quo. V is cool with these LOOOONG hugs, with RJay playing with her hair, touching and playing with her hands, wiping her tears away (and I think kissing her face while doing so, that really happened right?). And V certainly isn't stopping ANY of this. At the same time she isn't reciprocating. If she had started reacting (playing with RJays fingers too), even a bit I would be on the 'WHOA let's hold off on making any moves' team. But right now she has had this consistent non-reaction reaction to such things. And that could be for a few reasons and at this point who knows what those are. I know I'd be pulling away if I didn't want something, but who knows what V's thoughts are.

    At any rate, I don't think it will be V who changes this dynamic. It's going to be RJay who needs to confess or make a bigger move to get an answer. I know I couldn't deal with the status quo much longer!

    My concern would be that holding off on admitting her feelings after being in this 'thing' for a while now could just lead to a whole lot more of this same stuff. And then next thing you know it's Halloween, then Christmas, and RJay is no closer to knowing V's feelings.
     
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  16. RJay

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    Yes. It sure did. That was one of the many times I thought, "ok, surely I crossed a line there, and she will have nothing more to do with me!" And then... She keeps texting me and asking me out to the movies. ?????????