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I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. Really

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    Hey RJay, well done on your coming out to V. That can't have been easy. I just had one thought since you said she hasn't texted today. I know one concern some people have is that the person you come out to will think you have the hots for them and it will weird them out. I'm not saying she is thinking this but if you wanted to try to head this off at the pass, so to speak, my suggestion is to text her saying how relieved you are to have gotten that off your chest and how great she responded (or something to that effect) and then add that you forgot to say if she knew any nice gay women to let you know. What do you think?
     
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  2. silverhalo

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    Hey that's so good and so bad all at the same time. I agree with trying not to dwell on the small chance she might figure out she feels the same. Maybe trying to peruse other avenues of finding available women might help you in getting over your crush whilst still keeping the friendship.
    Another note have you text her today?
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    As others have said, I really admire your courage. You've handled this whole thing so well.
     
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  4. zumbaqueen

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    I'm really glad you told her, at least she knows you for you now. Part of this whole process is not being afraid to be yourself. Even though your fantasy has ended, at least you know. As you know my original coming out was because I fell in love with my straight best friend. And you also know that I am now starting a relationship with a woman who is attracted to me. It will come. Good job!
     
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  5. idsm

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    Wow, indeed! Α huuuge attagirl for telling her! Like, seriously that was very brave.
    I can hardly imagine what you're going through right now. But hey, at the very least, you got yourself an ally!
    (As a closeted gay woman in a rather homophobic environment, I promise you this is more than something...)


    If I had a superpower I would LOVE to read minds. Wouldn't it be awesome to know what is she thinking?
    Like an "I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!" thread written by V, from her point of view!
     
    #105 idsm, Jun 25, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2017
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  6. leb10

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    RJ, that was so brave of you to tell her. I'm glad she was supportive but I bet it feels disorienting to loose that closeness. Just remember what a big step this all is and how strong you are. Seriously. I think your attitude is so inspirational. Hang in there!
     
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  7. RJay

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    Nah... I don't care if she knows how I feel about her. I mean, now that she can't pretend not to know I'm gay, I figure it's just obvious I'm into her. There's no way to deny it. She's either flattered and OK with it, neutral and OK with it, or she's creeped out by it. Nothing I can do. I would never try to cover it up or deny it. Though I'll do my best to not throw myself at her and make things super awkward. I wouldn't try to make her uncomfortable on purpose, of course. But I won't play games to pretend I'm not in love with her. That would go against the whole point of being unapologetically myself.
     
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  8. RJay

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    Yeah, I texted her a little followup to a conversation we were having about an incident with her ex. Tried to be just casual and text something that we might have texted about anyway regardless of the way the conversation went last night. But she hasn't responded yet.
     
  9. tent71

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    Hang in there RJay. I never knew how Anna felt for over year. Until she told me. U never know what happening in others mind until they are ready. Just be there and be her friend and show that u care. I think this lady is thinking about some things she may about herself and is just now starting to see. I could be wrong. But hang in there u are doing fine. Very proud of u.
     
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  10. silverhalo

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    Well don't panic just yet be patient. Be proud of yourself.
     
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  11. RJay

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    I'm trying to keep it together, but today is the first time I cried over this situation. Just the thought that she will be freaked and I'll lose out on all the daily contact sent me into a spiral. As I've said previously, I feel like seeing her (and her kids) gives me life! Sure, it's torture when I'm all stuck in my head and she isn't in front of me. But when she is in front of me, the joy is so intoxicating. It's like I'm addicted.
     
  12. RJay

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    She texted me back telling me all about her day, asking me about mine, etc. It included an anecdote about how earlier she ran into a guy she had dated for a few months last year. That's all she said about it, but I take it as a subtle hint to remember that she's straight.
     
  13. Searching1

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    I agree Rjay that is was so incredibly brave of you to come out to her! I know that must have not been easy and you were tortured by the tension. I would still text her and continue being friends with her if you can. The fact that she is also going through a divorce probably leaves her wondering if she still had you as a friend to lean on. I would just keep being yourself if you can with her! I'm so sorry for the crappy situation. Kudos to you for being honest and brave ❤️
     
  14. idsm

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    Rjay, after a bit of snooping on your previous threads/posts (sorrynotsorry) I found out you are a pianist, but unfortunately stopped performing due to lack of inspiration. Do you think you could channel all these intense feelings into your playing? I am not an artist myself, but perhaps that could help you cope (regardless the outcome of your interactions with V)? And who knows, maybe you can even go back to performing? Just a thought.

    Take care and keep us posted. :slight_smile:
     
  15. I am here

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    I'm so happy you found a way to tell her, as others have said, that was really brave!
    I'm sorry the fantasy of her feeling the same didn't pan out, as much as you braced yourself for that possibilty, it's hard not to get caught up in the fantasy.
    I guess from here, you continue on with the great friendship you've developed, as long as that's something you can deal with?
    I know it must be so hard right now and you can't imagine feeling the way you do about V with anybody else, but there are plenty of women out there. Take your time, feel how you feel, it's important to mourn the loss of a potential love, and then when you're ready, open yourself up to the possibilty of finding someone else.
     
  16. Moonsparkle

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    Rjay--you told her (good for you!) and it may be hard to see now but it is just another step along the journey. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable to her---you showed your authentic self to someone who has become very important to you. This is all good stuff--really good stuff. Even if you are having mixed emotions about it now (the relief as well as the sense of loss.) Keep in mind too that you don't REALLY know what she is thinking about this now. We make up all kinds of assumptions in our heads ('maybe she wont want to be my friend anymore')--but often our assumptions are not what's going on at all.

    I'm sad you mentioned you have been crying about this, but at the same time it is so cleansing and healthy to feel all the emotions--even the sadness. What is your favorite Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Chunky Monkey? Cherry Garcia? Salted Caramel Core (yum!)?----well now is one of those times to run not walk to your nearest grocery store. Buy a pint and curl up with Ben and Jerry on your couch and have a good cry!

    If she did send you that text about seeing the guy she used to date as a reminder that she is straight, well much like you can't 'help' being gay she can't help being straight. Hard to see now because I know how much you really like this woman, but you two CAN still be great friends (as long as you don't find it too difficult to do right now.) After all you two bonded over a ton of stuff, the divorces, the kids, your similar feelings about your exes. There is a foundation that's real there. If it helps at all if you scan back through the late in life threads you will see many experiences so similar to what you are going through now. This woman came into your life for a reason. Maybe even just to awaken your sense of emotional connection with someone or as a reminder of your ability to have feelings of passion. (Those feelings were missing in my marriage DEFINITELY, and it sounds like they were missing in yours too.)

    Hang in there. You WILL get through this--and I'll reiterate what the others have said...I'm really proud of you! :slight_smile:

    **You may want to add a little bit of senseless /waste of time reality TV to your Ben and Jerry's. I would recommend '90 Day Fiance'--wow! I'm watching it now--what a hot mess of a show and people! I promise you will be laughing at the ridiculousness of it all--good distraction for times like these!
     
  17. RJay

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    You guys are the best. Thank you so much for the understanding and support!
     
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  18. beenthrdonetht

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    OMG, that was a pretty subtle hint. If it was. In any case, you did the right thing. You just became stronger.
     
  19. Orchidea123

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    Reading your thread was amazing - one of the best if not the best threads. Many paragraphs made me think 'omg, this can actually happen in real world'..

    You are Lucky to meet someone you connect with so well, regardless of any romantic or physical attraction. If this is a true friendship (time will tell), then cherish it. Even if you feel that you coming out to her is tied directly to your feelings towards her - she may suspect it, but not know this for sure.

    So, maybe try to work really hard to pretend that this was just an info related to you and has nothing to do with her. That means, no more hints and no more orientation info for now. Keep the focus on kids, camp, exes, divorse, etc.

    If she was hinting on being straight, you act as if it has nothing to do with you or your friendship. She may very well have been looking for your support in her endeavor to meet someone. This may not be easy to do, but this friendship seems to be special. I really hope you both keep each other close by.

    I've always been straight. Couple years ago she stepped into my life and turned all upside down. I confessed about my attraction and its been a long time of slow recovery and space, for both. Now I just love knowing her and seeing her. I truly enjoy the little moments. Nothing like your situation though - we are Not dating or having a friendship. It's been more of a distant observation of each other ( from what I can tell). But she slowly has been opening up and even doing little things for me here and there. I feel so lucky to just know she exists and I get to see her.
    In your case, keep it cool, be true to yourself, never doubt yourself and how special of a person you are, and if this is a true friendship, focus on personal aspects of it, not romantic or physical.
    You both are going through divorces, busy with kids - no reason to hurry ( LOL easier said than done).
     
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  20. silverhalo

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    Aww RJay I'm sorry you have been upset but it's ok to grieve a little for what you thought might be. Don't forget she isn't the only woman like that in the world or even near you, laybe she is another step on your journey and she has helped you realise how you can feel and all those thing so when the gay version of her rocks up in your life you are ready for her.
     
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