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I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. RJay

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    I've been sharing in some of your threads about how madly in love I am right now, but it's so bad I feel the need to start my own thread about it, so you can all give me sympathy.

    Since figuring out I'm gay in February, I haven't actually had any experiences yet, but there have been lots of fireworks in my mind. My husband just moved out 2 weeks ago. He was my first and only partner in any sense, and we were together for 19 years. But we haven't touched each other in about 6 years. I'm 43. So, the sum of my experience in terms of romance/sex/etc. is a crappy sex life with my husband from age 24 to 37.

    Anyhow... some of you know the story, but here it goes in excruciating detail, just because I can't keep it to myself. I'm absolutely bursting with all these *feelings*! All I want to do is talk about this woman. And see her. And talk to her. And and and...

    This all starts about one month ago. I drop off my kid at school every morning. I tie my dog up to a fence in front of the school and run in to deliver my kid to his class. For a while, I had been noticing another dog who was also usually tied out front, but this dog would bark and bark and bark until her owner returned. So, one morning, I decided to sit and pet the dog to keep her calm until her owner was back. After a few minutes, a beautiful, waif-like blonde blue-eyed woman, we'll call her "V", appeared. She was super flustered. "Oh my goodness, it's so nice of you to pet my dog! Was she barking like a lunatic? I feel so bad that she does that, but my morning routine is just so difficult, I can't think of another way to manage it without tying her up like that. I hope you don't think I'm a terrible person!" I reassured her that she was not a terrible person, and that we are all just doing our best to keep things running smoothly in our lives... that her dog was absolutely fine and that I loved petting her and keeping her calm. I told her to just breathe! She told me that people had been really angry with her sometimes for leaving her dog outside like that barking, and she thought I was going to yell at her. I was just totally calm and reassured her that it was all OK.

    So then, I started sitting with our dogs every morning, and when V would come out from school, she'd sit and talk to me a bit. She told me she recognized me. She knew whose mom I was. Our kids were in the same class! After about a week of this, we were discussing our weekend plans and figured out that we were both in the process of divorcing our kids' dads.

    Since that moment, we connected on such a deep level. She started texting me all the time about this and that... usually having to do with the divorce. I started texting her all the time too. Plus, we'd see each other every morning and chit chat a bit. We've talked a lot about the difficulties of transitioning to single motherhood... all the expectations placed on us... how hard it is to keep it all together and not lose one's identity. You know, heavy stuff! We got together for coffee twice, and I started noticing that I was only living for the moments I could spend with her. It hit me so hard, so quickly! Next thing I knew I was being so gallant towards her, opening doors, getting her coffee, complimenting her appearance. WHAT?!

    One day we were texting back and forth, and she says she want me to bring my son for a weekend in August to her parents' beach house where she will be with her daughters. I was like.... O..... K..... And her texts are always so sweet. She is so forthcoming with appreciation and kindness. Says stuff like, "I'm so glad we connected and can share so much about the transition we are both going through," "I could talk to you for hours, it never seems like we have enough time," "thanks for the coffee, can't wait to reciprocate," etc.

    I've realized that she is exactly the type of girl I have always been desperate to get attention from. Part of my epiphany was realizing that in high school, I always longed for attention from the cute, athletic blonde girls. I used to look at them and wish they would notice me, talk to me, just give me the time of day. I felt like such an oaf... so unlike them... such an outsider. It never occurred to me to think I wanted to be *with* them, but now I see it! V has been so sweet and earnest and eager to connect.

    I've been so desperate to experience romantic love and passion, and into my life she waltzes straight out of central casting! It's like she was engineered in a lab to fulfill everything I've ever wanted. But, I haven't been able to say point-blank that I'm into women, never mind make a move on her. My therapist said I shouldn't make any declarations of anything, not even that I'm gay, because it's bound to not be an issue as long as it just comes out casually. (As if I could be casual about anything.) I think she is trying to protect me from rejection because I'm so new at this. She wants me to just live with how I'm feeling, enjoy it if possible, and NOT say anything. But then she added the caveat, "unless you are planning on actually 'doing something.'" I was like, "do something? I'm not going to 'do something'! How the hell am I going to 'do something'?" And she said, "right. I really don't think you are." But now I feel like saying, "what was that about doing something?"

    I thought I wouldn't see V yesterday, but she told me her mom was watching her kids in the evening so she could go to a party. I didn't know what time the party was at, and I didn't know what block V lives on, but right around 8pm, I decided to walk my dog and go up the street I *thought* she lived on. I thought I might just get lucky and see her heading out. I'm a stalker!

    Anyway, sure enough, I'm walking along, and I see a woman with long blonde hair sitting on some building's front steps railing. I was approaching from behind, and I thought to myself, "it would be so crazy if that were V." I passed, turned around, and sure enough, it was her. She looked really sad and overwrought sitting there smoking a cigarette -- sexy as hell. I called out to her and walked up to her and her face totally lit up when she saw me. She told me she was feeling really guilty about leaving the kids because they begged her not to go, and her mother was babysitting and being difficult about it, and she was just sitting there having a moment, getting herself together... not even feeling like going out anymore. I apologized for intruding on her moment, and she was all like, "nononono! You aren't intruding. I'm embarrassed you caught me smoking." I told her not to be embarrassed, because we all have to do whatever it takes to keep it together. I told her that she deserved to go have some fun, and that we can't just live our lives for our children... that we have to figure out some ways to make ourselves happy.

    She asked me to walk her to the party, and I did. And we talked about how hard it is to figure out and pursue our own identity and our own happiness separate from our disastrous marriages and now from being moms. At some point we were talking about our decisions to have kids, and she was talking about how she felt she had to have kids before leaving her husband because she wouldn't have had time to meet someone else before the window closed on that. I told her I thought she was like 10 years younger than me, though. (Which is truly what I thought!) She was like, "WHAT? I'm 40 years old!" I said I thought she was like 32 or 33, and she said, "oh, well, you are my best friend now!" Then she took my arm and leaned into me and we walked liked that for a while. I said something super corny like, "keep me around, and I'll flatter you all the time" LOL!!! Like, wait, was that me who just said that?

    I told her I had just seen Wonder Woman earlier in the day, and when she asked me what I thought, I was all... "A drop dead gorgeous woman who believes in the redemptive power of love kicks a bunch of bad guys' butts? It was awesome!" Then I said, "oh and there was some handsome actor in there too, but who cares? She was everything." V kind of just chuckled at that.

    When we got there, she said she'd rather go somewhere with me instead, but had to go in. And she said that seeing me was the best thing that happened all day and it really helped her to snap out of her funk. Oh brother... You can see how, given that I've fallen for this woman like a ton of bricks, all that is really messing with my head!

    So, I stayed awake all night just pining for her. Now I'm freaking that I acted a little too gay last night. But, I will see her in the morning as usual, and she promised we'd have coffee one morning this week. So, I'm just trying to keep it together and not lose my mind.

    So there's the story. I guess I will update this as the plot continues to thicken. I really don't know what her story is, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. This could be just a good friendship to her. I wouldn't want to lose that if it's all we can have, because that would be better than nothing!
     
  2. RJay

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    We just texted back and forth a bunch. We are meeting in an hour for a walk in the park. Oh brother.
     
  3. IrishEyes

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    Good luck RJay.
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    I hope it goes well. Let us know.
     
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  5. Really

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    Don't get too excited. She probably picks her nose in bed.
     
  6. idsm

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    Oh, come on! It's too early for that thought!
    If she turns out to be interested those mental images will stick and ruin it for everyone! Including us!!

    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
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  7. RJay

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    HAHA! SHE WOULD NEVER! She is perfect, I tell you! Perfect!

    So we went for another walk. It was awesome. Much more relaxed than last night. I was pretty suave if I may say so. Asked her lots of questions about her life, found out lots about her college experience and career. We talked about the trajectories of our respective marriages... how it all unfolded. Man oh man can women ever communicate! All that plus my side of the conversation in 45 minutes! I worked in lots of compliments that she seemed totally sweetly flattered by. After the walk we were chatting on her steps, because she asked me to stay until after the girls' dad dropped them off. She used me as a buffer and then poured on the gratitude afterwards for helping her deal with seeing him. She said he behaved well because of my presence. I was like, hey I'll protect you from him any time! HAHA. He seemed a little taken aback about how the girls mobbed me with hugs and basically ignored him once they saw me. And when I said goodbye, I didn't invade V's personal space, but she gave me a hug and thanked me. I'm proud of myself for keeping it together so well. Yay me!

    There has been another flurry of texting since we said goodbye in which we have expressed lots of mutual admiration. I'm walking on air because she really truly likes me. Ha! I was such a wreck last night, and now I'm like, "this is awesome! Whether she likes me *like that* or not, this is such a rush!" What a roller coaster. Since I got to see her yesterday (due to my stalkerish behavior) and today (because she apparently likes stalkers, haha), that means I've seen her seven days in a row, plus I'll see her the next five days too, and on Friday we'll spend lots of time together at the kids' school for Kindergarten graduation. Aww, sweet, right? Our kids even love each other. Our dogs even love each other!

    I feel like an addict getting a hit.
     
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  8. IrishEyes

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    Glad it went well RJay. I'm guessing you'll have sweet dreams tonight :zzz::heart_eyes:
     
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  9. RJay

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    Who knows if I'll ever sleep again! LOL...

    We discovered that we were both fluent in French in college but have both gotten really rusty. Maybe we should practice with each other... just walk around the neighborhood speaking French badly and freaking everybody out. Haha! Can you stand it? How cute are we? If this actually worked out, we would nauseate the whole world.
     
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  10. Really

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    un couple de très jolis petits cochons
     
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  11. RJay

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    :smile:
     
  12. silverhalo

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    I think it's awesome although I can promise you she will have some flaws but don't worry they won't matter. If I had the power to find out or make her gay I would be I love love love ❤️ stories like this. I really hope she likes you back and isn't just a really chatty straight girl haha.
    There is no way I would have been patient enough not to work in I'm gay by now but then I've been out a while back when I was first coming out I don't know what I would have done. You definitely have to keep us updated.
     
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  13. Rana

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    Oh RJay,
    What can I say other than I hope it really works out. I'm sort of in a similar situation though not nearly as intense as yours. Nevertheless it's a little scary to me.
    It's hard to be objective when you've got such a crush on someone, but just out of curiosity, if you had to "objectively" analyze the situation, do you think "V" has any clue at all about your sexual orientation?
    I hope she does and feels mutual.
    Sending you good thoughts!
    ❤️
     
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  14. RJay

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    Thanks, silverhalo and Rana! I've been working in all kinds of hints that she seems to get... what I said about Wonder Woman, for example. And how I compliment her appearance. Like I texted her the other day to say she that though she always looks great, she looked "extra" that morning. And yesterday, I told her how I never wanted a wedding with my husband and we eloped to city hall because I couldn't bear the idea of wearing a pretty dress, etc. Right around the time I met her, I cut my hair really short, like a guy, and started wearing black jeans and Doc Martens shoes almost exclusively. I definitely look like I am probably gay. And I can't help think she just knows what's up with me. This day and age and where we live, I just think it's something you always consider is a possibility when you meet someone... especially a woman who presents herself as I do. So, yeah, objectively speaking, if she has any sense at all (which she does!) she has to know that it's at least a 90% probability that I am attracted to women and probably her.

    I laughed at the "just a chatty straight girl" thing. I mean, that's definitely the vibe I got from her initially. BUT, the way she looks in my eyes and smiles really sweetly and earnestly whenever she sees me or we say goodbye, I don't know... She's pretty deep... not flaky. Her smiles seem to stop time. She never talks about any other boyfriends she had besides the husband. In fact she said that when she met him, she thought it was a miracle that he was so into her, so she felt like she was almost obligated to not pass up the opportunity. She didn't say she fell in love with him.

    It's entirely possible her feelings for me are platonic, but she *really* likes me. I've never had someone react to me this way, so instantly, so it's just KILLING ME. Like I said above, having a pretty blonde want to walk with me, talk to me, and generally be around me is like my high school dreams come true. It's intoxicating! Walking with her yesterday while she was looking so awesome made me feel like I was on top of the world.

    Oh, and she texted me to say goodnight last night, even. I gave her her own text tone, so when I hear a message from he come in, I get such a dopamine hit. :heart_eyes:
     
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  15. Imjustjulien

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    Hi RJay, read from start to finish with great delight for you, your updates and everyones comments.

    So happy for you...! Absolutely gorgeous. May it be beautiful in whatever way it unfold and develops....

    Keep smiling...how could you not...yay
     
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  16. tent71

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    All right RJay I hope it works for you!!!!!!!!
     
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  17. RJay

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    Thanks guys. Right now I'm just so happy that all my flirting and complimenting hasn't scared her away. I could keep it just like this for a while. I think I am over the *OMG I'M FREAKING OUT* stage and into the *this is kinda fun* stage.

    So V and I talked so much yesterday and again so much this morning (GAH SHE LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL THIS MORNING) about how getting out of these marriages and being in our 40s means we have to really open ourselves up to figuring out who we really are, what we really need, etc. I feel like it's going to be extremely easy one of these days to just say something as simple as that I wouldn't limit myself to just looking at men for my next relationship. I mean, that kind of says it all without making a big, uncomfortable declaration. It was so cute this morning, she was telling me that her 3 year old daughter, H, met some young woman in her mom's neighborhood, and it was like she fell in love. V said, "yeah, it was like love at first sight. Like a real *crush*, you know how kids do that and it's genderless." OMG, I *almost* said that it doesn't just happen to kids, but I couldn't quite.

    Oh and this 3 year old, H, who has the most angelic face of any child alive, was so funny going on and on this morning. She sits on my lap and puts her arms around my neck. She blurted out, "my mom said you are her friend now!" HAHA! I said, "yes, H, your mom and I are really good friends. Do you like that?" She said yes enthusiastically, and V looked pretty embarrassed. Intriguing! They talk about me when I'm not there!

    Oh and V told me she liked my hair (I got it trimmed nice and tight yesterday), and H said, "why is it so short?!" I said, "because I like to keep it short. It is more *me*. It matches how I feel about myself." V sort of laughed and said that she only cuts her hair every 6 months or so and she doesn't know why she can't get to the salon more often. I said, "because you don't need to! You have beautiful long blonde hair and you are really working that look amazingly." She chuckled and seemed pleased.

    So funny that Saturday night I was such a mess. Yesterday and today, I'm just like, "this is a blast!" I feel so comfortable. I think it's because I really was worried on Saturday night that I laid it on too thick and she was going to know that I kind of stalked her. But since she contacted me yesterday sooooooo many times and asked to see me, that just allayed all my fears. So, now I feel a lot better. Still no clue what's going on in the depths of her mind, but one way or another, it's clear she really likes me, and that is just what I need right now.
     
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  18. Imjustjulien

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    Rjay, I just read this on IG, next to a black and white photo of a quite gorgeously cute guy, discreetly yet unashameably naked, whose look, demeaner and whole preacence caught my eye, and the words brought your present and wondeeful experience to mind:

    "If nothing was ever going on, then why has everything changed (Because you were there)"
     
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  19. Rana

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    RJay,
    Her willingness to keep contacting you is a good sign. Also, the way you described yourself and the type of compliments you gave V, it would be hard to imagine that she doesn't have a clue as to what's going on.
    Seems like she likes you.
    Sending you good thoughts!
    ❤️
     
  20. signmypapyrus

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    Aw, this was so sweet and endearing to read. :slight_smile: What a beautiful beginning to something. I wish you the best of luck in this potential relationship and look forward to hearing more!