Confused

Found this which might help you https://www.liveabout.com/come-out-to-your-husband-2171076

 

Do you make any attempt to communicate with him? Is he feeling OK especially with the cancer situation?

 

It all sounds so constrained / limiting on both you and on your husband. You seem to know why but he doesn't. Do you think there will come a time when the two of you can and will lay your cards on the table with each other?

 

Well, you are doing your best in complex circumstances. I can tell you are thinking of others, but do also be thoughtful of yourself. I mean, don't drive yourself into illness. Be considerate of yourself, too.

 

Does having nothing in common have anything to do with you having feelings for this woman ? Ie does she have more in common with you such as work, having children, same out of school activities ? Is he always at work or working at home, leaving no free time for you both ?

 

Sorry for prying, I'm kind of interested in your situation, i seriously think i'm going to train as a marriage counsellor but you're feeling low, you and your husband don't seem to have anything in common, yet you work with someone who you have similarities with, you feel like your husband is ignoring you and you are suffering from depression, it seems like you're looking for a thrill, a way to feel happy away from the drudgery of everyday life. In essence an affair, exciting, secretive and a way to feel rebellious and something you're in control of. Shoot me down if i'm wrong.

happy days always

 

But are you looking to be happy with your husband or with this woman ? sorry for prying

 

Hi Dodds,

I read a few of your posts and I felt kind of sad for you and your situation (I don't want to say that I feel sorry for you-all sounds so patronising, and the last thing that you want to hear).
But anyway, I'm from the UK too, so hello, fellow Brit!
I have a couple of similarities to you. I'm a bi-gay married guy with a young daughter. I've told my wife when we first met that I am bisexual, and again a few years later. She thinks I'm not normal I'm sure. I've been with her 10 years. We both loved and worked together in the middle east during that time, but she lost her job and went back to the UK 18 months ago. I stayed in the middle east due to well paid work. She was going to come back with my daughter after 1 year but decided she wanted to stay in the UK. So iiwill be going back to join her for good, later this year. I had been having one off sex meets with guys long before I met her, but started up again when I found out in 2013 that she had been having an affair with her boss in her job. Things have been patchy and difficult with her since. Sex has been rare, like you mentioned in your post with your husband. But I have had secret gay partners these last 5 years. I've kind of got on with that part of my life in order to fulfil some needs and desires. I do not feel good about it, but many things made it what it is. Anyway, my current partner is a lovely guy, very understanding, and all for me going back home to be with my wife and try once more to be a loving husband and a good father. Although I love him, and the sex is very satisfying, I am going to do my best to put my family first.
I wanted to let you know that I have judgemental parents too. I could never come out to them. They are retired, opinionated and quite bigoted. In some ways, not nice people. My wife is less so, but of a similar frame of mind. She uses emotional blackmail on me to get her own way a lot of the time. The last time I had sex with her was Xmas. She visited me with my daughter for 5 days, 2 weeks ago but no sex occurred. No desire really. She does not turn me on. But my boyfriend, he turns me on straight away. But hey, there's more to life than just being turned on, right? The thing is, I've had more gay sex these last 5 years than straight sex. The last 18 months, a lot more. And over the period between Xmas and now, at least once every week or 2. But I want to do my best to try and change it, break the cycle. I will just have to play it by ear.
But like you, I have many fears. What if I am gay, what if society, past friends, family, work colleagues...what if they all contributed to socially conditioning me to acting and thinking straight, and only now I have "woken up" to the real "me"?
I'm not that scared of being alone, and I think that in any event, I have a lot to offer another person, whether it is a guy or girl. But my career is in construction, a male dominated environment where everyone seems to know each other, and where being bi/gay/trans/queer or even questioning and curious, results in you being shunned, mocked or ridiculed if you are "outed" by someone. So all things considered, I need to stay in the closet and try to make things work with my wife, mainly for my young daughter's sake. She has not had a daddy day to day for 18 months, and before that she was too young to know me. So I owe it to her. I also know what it's like not to have a father figure from a young age. My mum chucked my father out of the family home when I was 5 because I told her innocently, in front of him, that he was "touching my willy". Never saw him again and never wanted to. Thats nearly 40 years ago now. So you can imagine, I became introverted and a mummy's boy, shy and retiring, and not knowing how to have a healthy relationship with a father figure, my mum became like a father, more strict, etc. And remembering the tough time I had growing up, I do not want my daughter going through the same thing. And if she told me one day in the future that she was gay, I would give her a big cuddle and tell her I'm happy for her, and for her to go and find her Miss Right.
Anyway, I'm experiencing a gay life to some extent at the moment, so at least I know how it feels. I gave myself that chance. I'm not convinced that I would be comfortable with a 24/7 gay relationship, though. Sometimes I think that if my wife had not become a more argumentative person and took care of her looks like she did when we first met, and was more adventurous and open to things in the bedroom, we would have been a lot happier and I would not have gone so far down the gay road. Sometimes I think I would be happier in a new relationship with a beautiful, sexy, funny and intelligent bisexual woman. But hey, we have to play the cards we are dealt, right?
I was diagnosed early last year with rheumatoid arthritis after almost being paralysed one morning and feeling like I was near deaths death's door for weeks. I'm getting better now, but it's been a life changer, and was brought on by stress. I've got it for life now and have to take medication and regular blood tests. Was it due to depression? Living on my own in a foreign country? No friends or family nearby? Knowing my daughter was growing up without a daddy? Fearing I was gay? Worrying about my future life? Worrying about my marriage? It may have been none, some, or all of those things.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. Just to say that I feel your pain and share it. That each of us has awful things to occasionally encounter in life. And that we always have a choice. I'm always willing to be around as a friend for you if you need one.
Take care x