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Confused

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dodds, Mar 2, 2018.

  1. Dodds

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    Hi all om new to this. I am 38 year old woman been wit my husband for 15 year have 2 children. Bout 6 month ago o admitted to myself i am gay. I don't know how i can leave my husband or kids i don't have a support team around me. Our sex life has never beem great and now i know why. Any advise be good
     
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  2. PatrickUK

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    This is a difficult situation for you and I can understand your reluctance to break up the family or leave your husband. You love your kids and I'm guessing you might still love your husband (the father of your kids) even if there is no spark there anymore. So what do you do?

    At some point you will need to be honest with your husband because your silence really condemns both of you to an unfulfilled marriage, when you could really be looking to pastures new. He deserves the truth and so do you actually. It's a difficult conversation to have though and if you go about it in the wrong way it could result in a lot of pain and friction, so I would advise you to speak to a relationship counsellor on a one to one basis, in the first instance. Once they understand where you are at and what you want to do, they may invite you to attend with your husband in order to facilitate a way forward. That doesn't mean bringing you both back together, because that's just not possible now you have accepted you are gay, but it will give you the opportunity to decide what sort of relationship you want (hopefully a close friendship) and how to protect the interests of your kids.

    You list your location as Newcastle - if that's Newcastle UK, I would recommend Relate. You can find their website through an internet search and read through all of the information first before making the call.
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I'm in a similar position to you - long-term relationship with a man and we have a daughter. It's such a difficult situation to process. Try to break it down in smaller steps. Taken together it can feel like an impossible situation.

    Are you in a position to leave your husband? Is there anything you can do to make it feel possible?

    Would seeing a therapist be possible for you? I've been seeing one for just over a month and (I think) it's helping.

    Take care :slight_smile:
     
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  4. Dodds

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    Thanks no im not in a position where i can leave him i dont have any family to go stay wit and do It have the money to be able to get my own place
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    OK, I've been there. When I first joined EC, I was a stay-at-home parent so didn't have a way to support myself financially. I imagine that you're feeling quite trapped, I know that I did.

    I spent a year career training in order to get myself into a position where I could be financially independent. What can you do to help yourself?

    How's your relationship with your husband? Would he be understanding and supportive if you were to discuss your feelings with him?
     
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  6. Drizzle

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    Hi Dodds! I'm a woman about your age and I've known for a year that I'm bi. There's been a lot of processing involved. In my own situation, which is different from yours, I want to stay with my husband. I'm sorry about the practical obstacles that you will face in separating. Apart from the bigger issue of breaking up, there are other things that might help you to feel more supported and happier as a gay woman. I was wondering, do you feel comfortable talking to your husband about your sexuality? Depending on what your relationship is like, might he be supportive of you? And, do you know many gay people? Personally, I would like to have more contact with gay people, and I've gone to a couple of meetups to begin that. I'm also beginning to come out to people, so that my friends will know I'm bi even though I'm in a relationship with a man. That has come to seem important to me over the last few months.
     
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  7. Dodds

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    I dont think i would be able to tell he comes form a family who don't think its correct to be gay. I think he would go mad if i told him I'm feeling like that. I don't know any other people who are gay ive told a friend who has been supportive she recommed this site for me. Give me a chance to talk to others in my situation
     
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  8. LostInDaydreams

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    I'm glad you have a friend who you've been able to talk to and is supportive. I hope you find EC supportive also.

    You've said you don't have family you could go to, but do you have any family you could talk to about your situation?
     
  9. Dodds

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    I dont have any family . My family are my husband amd kids
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    Sorry, that's a really difficult situation.

    Would you be able to see a therapist or find a support group?
     
  11. Dodds

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    Im in therapy for my depression and anxiety. I was hoping to find Sumthing on line to hlep me
     
  12. LostInDaydreams

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    EC is a good place to meet people who are in a similar situation. It's always reassuring to know that you're not alone. Just ask questions, post about what's on your mind, or read through older posts to find things you can relate to.
     
  13. CuriousG74

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    Sorry for asking but did you come out as gay because the sex life wasn't great or was it something you've known for a while ?
     
  14. Dodds

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    It is Sumthing ive known for a while but didn't want to admit to it
     
  15. CuriousG74

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    You say you've admitted it to yourself, but have you told anyone else? Was it someone or something that made you think this way ? Are you and husband happy in other ways despite the barren bedroom action? Also could it be your depression making you think the way you do because there's no action?

    I notice you said you have no family, that must be hard to deal with when you feel you have no one to confide in :frowning2:

    Are you planning on telling your husband at any time ? You mention his family are thinkers that being gay is wrong, but what does your husband actually think ? He may think differently.

    As Patrick pointed out, the longer you keep it to yourself, you're condemning both of you to a life of misery.

    Take care
     
  16. Dodds

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    Ive told 1 person. No me and my husband have a lot of problems but he now thinks everything is ok . I have started having feelings for sum1 nothing will happen shes stright .
     
  17. CuriousG74

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    Do you think maybe these problems have been the catalyst? He's also going to think everything is OK if he's no wiser. You may have to sit him down and explain the situation, but prepare for initial anger, followed by lots of tears. You will have to say it isn't him (I don't want to say at fault or to blame), but that you are taking yourself down a different path. Hope this makes sense.
     
  18. Dodds

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    I know its difficult to explain im no where near ready to tell him. Im not ready to change everyone's life just cos i have feelings for others.
     
  19. LostInDaydreams

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    It's not insignificant. It's not the same has having a crush on another man. It's about who you are. Carrying on as you are will also have implications on their lives.
     
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  20. Dodds

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    I know i just got to find a way to get threw it its took me all my life to come to terms wot who i am .ive been wit him 15 years im not ready to cum out