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Am I gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jake83, Jul 31, 2006.

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  1. jake83

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    This post is dedicated to all those guys who are in a closet so dark, they don't know where they are.

    What a question to ask ourselves, right? It's not "I don't want to be gay" -- that much, we know. "I want to have kids someday" -- that much, we know. But no matter how strong those thoughts make themselves, something always has to make itself known. It has to butt in when you don't want it to. It has to build up late at night, a thought that gives you pleasure and guilt. Confusion and clarity. It is you versus you. And that never feels very good.

    At my boyfriends birthday party last night, I was talking to my twin brother. A quick recap: He came out, then went back in the closet. I came out, and he decided he was straight. Last night, he asked me: "I bet you're wondering what I'm going to do". He's never really talked about that time where he came so close to recognizing who he was. His decision? "I'm hoping to find a girl who will understand who I am, and be ok with it."

    Of course, this decision isn't viable. It can't work. But for me, it symbolised how we try and try to do anything but admit we are gay. We can think up grand schemes, long term plans, complex dualisms, and so much more. We can confront ourselves and delude ourselves at the same time. We can confuse ourselves with brilliant paradoxes, that leave us stagnent and stationary.

    I recognise the space my brother is in, because I was there too. When I came out, through my own way, all my anxiety and complex paradoxes floated away -- I simply didn't need them anymore.

    But I couldn't try and convince my brother of this. He has his own "brilliant plan", his own way of dealing with his feelings. We all start by trying to do this. You might be reading this after doing the same kind of thing.

    All I can say to you is, allow yourself a safe space of thought. You have to come out to youself, before you can come out to anyone else. You have to break it all down to the most simple level, and seperate what is attraction and what is ideology. You have to know that everything you think about what being gay is about, is wrong. You'll find your own path; and it doesn't have to look like anything you've seen before. Just be true to yourself, and take it in steps.

    It's all very complex right now, yes. And in your mind, it could be this way forever. But as long as you try to juggle these things, and rope in these poor women into your confusion, you're right. But, writing to you from somewhere down the path you know is availiable, I can say that it's good. It's complete. It's over. I'm gay -- now, I can get on with my life. And prove that I'm so much more than just a sexuality.

    You'll get there in time. I just need to let you know -- it's not as bad as you think. Please don't allow the "getting a wife/family" thought to battle it out with "I'm gay??". What I've learnt is that we don't get to make those choices. You can't pick which you would prefer, and go with it. Because if you decide that socially, you'll get where you want to be with the "wife and kids", and that "being gay" will be too much of a set back, you're normal. But there is one problem: you still don't get to make that choice. If you decide to have the wife and kids, you won't be a happy straight guy. You'll be battling the same things you're battling now, except it will be even more complex. You need to know that as long as you enjoy the idea of being with another guy, you'll be in a living hell as you delude someone you love (the girl). You need to know that being with a guy that you love (yes, it can happen) doesn't come with that fear. You need to know that whatever you do, it affects no one else but you, and the girl you might want to "try out". There may be moments when you are real with yourself. Take notice of the things that take you away from that, and evaluate them. Break the cycle. Move forward.

    I don't know what will happen with my twin brother ultimately. I know he is gay. He's chosen, so far, at 23, to try and find a girl who will be ok with it. I told him of a couple I knew who were gay & lesbian that did that, and he started with "it's not like that" before he couldn't be bothered with it. He knew that I knew. That made him uncomfortable, because he chose not to know himself.

    We've all been there. We've all been caught between what we are and what we want to be. We've all seen how we can change ourselves in other ways, so why not our sexuality? I used to think, if anyone can do it, I can. And I tried, and slept with some of the most beautiful girls this world has ever known. It only made me feel guilty in the end, because although I recognised thier beauty, I felt like I was depriving them of the true connection that they deserved.

    You'll get somewhere, in the end. Look ahead, and see how you feel about it. But don't think of the simplicity of "wife/family" and "I'm gay". Get real with yourself, and realise the nuances of truth and feeling that you will experience in both avenues. Away from everything else, that's what matters day to day. Don't put yourself (and potentially others) in hell to live up to some external concept.

    Am I gay? The answer: Yes, but I don't want to be. Now, consider this: What part of that answer can you change?
     
    Lyman, SoSoSteve, Joelle b and 7 others like this.
  2. Triplume

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    This is amazing; it really is. I recently had to help a friend answer this very question, and I wish I'd read this sooner because some of the things you say really hit home. Your words capture exactly what I wanted to tell him.

    Really, thanks so much for writing this. I think this benefits everyone, whether they're out or not.

    <3.
     
  3. TriBi

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    Yes - I missed this first time around too...

    ...extraordinarily perceptive...
     
  4. Will1975

    Will1975 Guest

    Very good post. I can relate to the whole story. I have experienced a failed marriage and all the guilt that goes along with it. And I myself have been looking for a way to be a happy straight gay guy. I must agree it doesn't work. I am not out yet, but posts like this definitly help.

    Yes I am gay, and I want to learn to enjoy it...
     
  5. ampthejazz

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    This is an excellent post.

    Good luck to your brother. I hope he figures something out.
     
  6. tired_of_lying411

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    This is amazing! It should be on the mandatory reading list for all gay people!
    It's the perfect summary of gay life from acknowledgment to coming out, written in retrospect. Perfection.
    It's the exact description of what's been going on in my head for the past four years.

    And the grammar/use of words -- Impeccable! :eusa_clap
     
  7. Sam

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    you know I used to be in such denial about who I was and even though in my heart I knew I didn't want to admit it to myself I was so unhappy about it that I buried it deep inside and then when I was finally ready to let go of my denial and admit to myself this is who you are now deal with it I was still unhappy I eventually accepted myself but it was a confusing and hard road and until that person is ready to face that road to acceptance they are not going to they are just going to be in denial. It took me years to finally accept myself and I hope anybody that is having a hard time accepting themselves can finally start trying to go down that road to accepting themselves I hope your brother can soon I know its hard and I know we are all here for each other and I wish the best to anyone who is confused

    Sam

    great post!
     
  8. ampthejazz

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    I'm thinking this should be a sticky.
     
  9. Paul_UK

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    OK, it's stuck. :slight_smile:
     
  10. tired_of_lying411

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  11. hagardner04

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    I must say that is a very profound post. And I believe its something that will hit home to alot of people on here. Like I told a friend once, "It's not like I've chosen to be gay. Who in their right mind would chose a lifestlye that attract so much condemnation, and ridicule?" I too, have desperately tried to be straight. I've had serious relationships with men, but I just never felt whole and always felt guilty for leading them astray. Anyways, once it sunk in that I was in fact gay regardless if I chose to be or not, I'm now learning to accept it and make the most out of it.
     
  12. Zaurak

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    So true, so many questioning people feel like they had their future stolen, like somehow they were culled into a life of secrecy and misery, yet you have also shown that it is better to live a life that makes you happy that to live a lie that deprives you of it. It may make you scared but the existence of fear is a hell of a lot better than the absence of happiness.
     
  13. Jim1454

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    Wow! I'm awestruck with the depth and insight of the original post here - from someone that is 23 years old. I wish I'd had the insight that he does at that age. Instead, I find myself grappling with this question now at 36. What a lot of heart ache I could have avoided for myself and others had I been more aware of my own feelings and orientation...

    My story? Its far from over, but here it is so far... Never felt connected to anyone. Always felt a little different and alone. Hadn't had a serious relationship with a woman until I met my wife, but never imagined that I should be with a man. Got married - not because it was the thing to do, but because I had never considered any other options, and because I loved my wife. Had two kids - beautiful little girls - now 3 and 6. Found myself more and more attracted to men - ultimately found myself in the grips of a destructive addiction to sex which often lead to empty, anonymous meetings with other men. Thankfully I've sought the help of a therapist and Sexaholics Anonymous '12 Step' groups. However, not before it cost me my marriage and a great deal of emotional pain for my wife.

    Denial, whether it is conscious or unconscious, is a disaster waiting to happen I'm afraid.

    I've just found this forum, and look forward to sharing with others that are in a situation similar to mine. Thanks!
     
    Shadow N likes this.
  14. dfgnan21

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    WOW!! That is the most helpful thing I've read... thank you so much for putting it into words so beautifully. Really helped! :icon_smil
     
  15. geoking66

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    That's such a great post. I think that everyone can relate to that somehow.
     
  16. SpikySpice

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    Amzing post. :eusa_clap

    This really help me a lot to know who I really am and what I really want :thumbsup:

    Now I learn that you always have to accept the true, if you try to change it, you get into huge troubles

    And one more thig is just ignore people, because they are not the ones who can control you

    Thanks alot for posting this post
     


  17. I agree that this is quintessential and valuable. There are a few small parts i want to argue. I agree that you shouldn't let the wife/family battle with the i'm gay. Myself i strongly don't want either. I operate fiercely independently so being gay or straight has no implication on me whatsoever( I prattle on and on in my other post). Next is the part about delusions and paradoxes. It's true that these leave anxiety on people who don't feel right putting on a facade, but what about the people who feel comfortable in secrecy? I think there are some people (at least i hope im not the only one:icon_eek: ) who don't feel like keeping it locked up in Pandora's Box stops them from living. I also agree that you shouldn't do things that don't feel right in your mind and not to live up to external pressures. The part about not being able to make that choice. I say to that au contraire. maybe my need for control is kicking in but i think you can. I agree when you say you cant force yourself to be happy when it isnt there but i think you can find a happy medium between those. Finally the last line is where i'll end. People who are stubborn like myself wont want to change that answer. Again that message had important and valuable details in it and was well written. I just wanted to contest a few bits of it for me and anyone else who feels that way.


    All comments welcome:icon_bigg
     
  18. kevinx519

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    wow. this is a great post! it reminds me of how when i first recognized i was gay, that i could somehow marry a woman and have kids. it captures all the same feelings i've had and im so glad i've read this post earlier on in my life. this is life knowledge that ill make sure to keep with myself as long as i can. kudos for the post. =)
     
  19. CelebrityHead

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    Excellent post, Jake! Like everyone's already said, it hit home, we can all relate to it.
    Oh and perfect writing! :thumbsup:
     
  20. downboyup

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    i've had both relationships with men (2 -3 years at a time) and also a 7 year marriage. i am now a single dad with a beautiful 11 year old daughter. i do not regret being married. i sought it out as i really wanted a family. it was she that ended it - not me. i never cheated, nor did i regret not being able to sleep with men whilst married. i gave it my all, and also a lot of love.

    i am not sure what i will seek in the future, but just wanted to say in my instance having a predominantly gay life before marriage, that no one got hurt because of this and we are able to move on. For me the purpose of raising a child did not necessarily have to conflict with sexual desire.

    I recently tried to have a relationship with a straight single father. We lived as a family and 'domestic partners' for some time and i love him greatly, he knows this, but just wasnt 100% interested. now that was frustrating and harder to handle than my marriage was!!! i was a fool.

    good luck to any married men out there who are gay. and please remember when it comes to choice of sexuality over family that being a part of a family is important too and if you can somehow combine the two then well done.

    if there are any single men out there with kids who want to form a family - let me know - i'm available!
    :slight_smile:
     
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