So much anxiety.....

Damn. Sorry I was so :***: up. I don't get drunk often either. I also tend to feel sick quickly, last night was no exception. The morning after is worse. You feel basically the same, but you're now sober, so you know how sick you actually feel. I'm a pretty random drunk. I have no filter, so I say the weirdest crap that pops into my head. According to my friends who have seen it, it's actually pretty funny. I'm funny when drunk.

I haven't really thought about gender identity today. Maybe cause I'm too sick to do anything but think about how sick I am. Damn hangovers. Though my genitals still feel weird and not totally right. Like I can live with them, but I don't know.

I'm glad she got back to you. I'm not happy her response seems the way it does. I didn't really expect "I loved you too, if you would have told we could have been together, I'm leaving my husband" not really at least. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I hoped maybe. But I knew her reaction probably would be nothing of the sort.

If it makes you feel better, I'd totally take a shot at dating you, if I was closer and had the right parts. You'll make a lucky girl very happy some day.

 

So I listened to that Invisibilia episode you recommended. Wow. A lot of that is what I'm going through. Except for the shifting around part. I'm pretty static, in feeling more female, right now, at least. Though looking back I don't know that I'd say I'd ever truly felt male. It goes away sometimes and I'll feel more "neutral" for a bit, but still pretty much female. Sometimes it'll just get less intense to where I can push it back and ignore it.

Is the writing on the wall here?

 

I know I'm okay. So are you. You're right, I came to that conclusion earlier. It's not like I'd be in a position to actually do anything right now any way. I'll just settle for hair removal and some basic grooming. I think I'll get a compression jock(or whatever they're called) to hide "it." Not like anyone will know, but it'll make me feel better. And no, I can not currently say the p-word, not referring to my own. Other people's, yeah, I still like that body part after all. I'll do some stuff that's subtle, and not permanent.

I've always identified with the word "lesbian" subconsciously. Which is weird, because I did quite enjoy being withm my ex, and would like to be with a guy again. Though maybe as a woman? Though I'd be more drawn to other women, tbh.

I bought a new body wash, this time from the "women's" section (gendering soap never really made any sense. It gets you clean and makes sure you don't smell offensive.). It smells pretty, though not too girly. I like smelling pretty. Maybe i'll get brave and go for deodorant next time. I can always just say "It's for my girlfriend" I suppose.

We'll be fine Katchoo. I'm feeling better overall, how about you?

 

Also, this song is me right now. Kinda explains what's going on internally, even though it has nothing to do with that. Kinda funny how that works, huh?
[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9kXstb9FF4[/YOUTUBE]

Here's the lyric video incase you need it, though he's a pretty clear singer.

[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wpv-vGScrvU[/YOUTUBE]

---------- Post added 16th Sep 2016 at 11:37 PM ----------

Hah! Mansplaining soap.

I've been over there, but I'm waiting until I can properly gather coherent thoughts to actually make a post. lol

 

I'll try it tomorrow. Right now I'm trying not to procrastinate homework that's due in the morning. Even though I really can't, because it's talking about myself, and I don't even really know who myself is right now, how am I supposed to tell anyone. Also I need to be there at 9, and also need to take care of the dog before I leave, so I should probably just go to bed. I hate this class.

 

I sadly need more than that. Part of my problem is the stuff he wants. I need to draw a visual aid. I can't draw for :***:.

 

Yeah, I know it's not art. I'll do it for next week.

Today was a better day for me too. I'd love to wear a bikini, I don't know why some girls don't. I wasn't all depressed today, which is a plus. Still some dysphoria stuff, but I think the not being CIS thing has sunk in, and I've accepted it somewhat. I'll figure out the rest later, in time.

I randomly thought about what I'd want my name to be if I was a girl/transitioning. I really like the name Savanna(Yes, with 2 n's). So that's my "girl name." Whatever that means, that I've picked a name already, who knows. Like, "Slow down dude, you aren't even totally sure whether or not you're actually trans yet."

 

Funny, I found myself referring to myself as "Savanna" in my head. I'm talking automatically, not even thinking. Not all the time, but I'd say 70-75% of the time today. I'd like to figure out a way to dress up and take on that persona for a bit(even if it's just an hour or two while I'm home alone). See how that makes me feel. Yeah, who knows, I could do that and be like "Ew, back to me, this isn't working." Though I imagine being a tomboy, she's definitely NOT a girlie girl(okay, maybe a bit, but mostly not). I may be taking this too far at this stage.:lol:

 

given the time of year you could go to somewhere like good will and get a dress or skirt and say it's for Halloween, if that makes you feel better. and try it on at home when you are alone. see how it feels. if it doesn't work out your not out a lot and if it does Savannah has a start to her wardrobe. y'all win either way.

 

I think I will have to do this. I think a skirt is in order. Maybe a top too.

 

there you go, iddy biddy steps.

 

I asked a cute girl out in person, yesterday. And got a positive reaction. I'm waiting for her to text me to set up the details, but we've agreed to do something. It'll probably be a week(we're fixing her cell phone, that's how I met her). Really weird, I've never done that before, had the guts to ask ANYONE out in person like that! Now I just wish we'd get the phone fixed so she can text me....

So I felt like a BAMF yesterday. All kinds of good emotions, and the dysphoric feelings were mostly gone. Turns out they just got pushed back. Everything's coming back now, which makes me nervous. I finally get a cute girl to go out with me for the first time in a long time, and this. I'm not certain a first date would come to this, (but me and my ex porked on the third date, so soon), but I'm worried I might not be able to perform. I can get erections without too much trouble, but I hate them. I'm hoping dysphoria doesn't cause me to not be able to....

Not to mention the problems it might cause down the road if it works out.....