So much anxiety.....

This may or may not work, CG, but it sounds like your brain needs to tell that one story before it lets you tell any others. I think it would be productive to type out the story your brain wants to tell, maybe post it here if you want. That might free up your brain for something else.

 

Ok. I like you hanging out on my threads, though.

Only took an hour, but I made food!

Trying to attach a lunch picture, but it's not working. Might be for the best, since so many people find such pictures annoying. I'm just excited to be able to do basic self care.

 

Oh! It did attach! Just upside down, lol.

 

It will take you a while to drive to Georgia, but I make grilled cheese for any visitor who wants it.

 

I feel like I need to write something, but I don't knwhat....


This year, I have managed to open myself up to really liking three girls and trying to make it work. No luck yet it seems, but.... at the same time, when I was trying to date guys, it was tough to even make myself go out with one per year. And that was like pulling teeth. Trying to date girls so far is like.... It's hard in that it's dissapointing that it isn't working, but it's exciting to actually want it instead of feeling like I'm forcing something I'm not sure I even want. Like, the fact that I can even feel dissappointed is such progress, so much better. ...... I have trouble thinking about more than one person at a time. Like, I feel like I'm wasting my time doing any dating apps or messaging anyone if someone else is on my mind.... Seems weird that my brain goes straight to exclusive even when I don't want it to.... It will be ok. ... Being patient is hard. Not knowing is hard. But, there's hope. Like, really, there will be someone, I think. It's so much easier to find ladies that I have things in common with and whose company I enjoy. Even though there are so few lesbians compared to straight men, I feel like coming out has upped my chances of finding a long term relationship by about a million percent. ... ... Not sure if that's the root of what's on my mind. I need to do one work thing and read a comic and go to bed.... It's been a productive day....

 

Medium productive day so far. I had a helpful conversation with my coworker/friend who was kind of pissed with me the other day. Getting some paperwork done while rewatching Transparent (new season in 2 weeks!). Anxiety tummy hurts. Wonder if I have meds that would help. Considering taking another of those anxiety pills. There's some irony in worrying about getting addicted to anti anxiety pills. But, I might need it today. I should talk to someone, but I don't know who or what I need to say. I think maybe it would help to have some company later. Other people are doing paperwork tonight, too. Maybe I can ask to do paperwork together? That would be a helpful thing.

 

Lol, none that would work out.

I just managed to calm down after crying for like an hour and a half. All my coworker/friends (who are kind of all of my friends) are stressed out with this audit tomorrow, so it's a really terrible time for me to be having a melt down. I've felt really depressed and anxiety ridden, and I'm crying every day several times per day. I tried to reach out and ask for what I needed, just some social time with someone tomorrow. (I also asked for today, and that didn't work.) My best friend snapped at me (on messenger) really hard, said that I need to focus on clients like everyone else, that everyone is stressed, that no one wants to be around me lately, that I need to rely on a different group for my social support.. It really hurt. I started sobbing and couldn't stop. I really wanted to hurt myself. I hit the table a couple of times but managed to use coping skills of ice, a good play list, and a mindless video game. I'm feeling mostly better. I've noticed that my friend has been pulled away from me for the last week or so, but Iwas hoping she was just busy or it was just in my head. I've been with her through her shit. Can she only handle me when Ihave my shit together? .... You really think that having almost exclusively licensed therapists for friends, I would have an easier time finding support. But, at the same time, maybe we want to not feel like we are working when we are with our friends. ... I really have had a lot of thoughts about serious self harm lately. I've not done anything, but I've been thinking a lot about it. I want to tell my friends, but I'm scared to. I don't want them to take me to the ER. I just want them to hear me and I guess bear witness to my pain and know that I'm serious when I say I need someone to sit in the room with me.

Ok. Plan.

Keep doing work with calm playlists on. Keep checking in with the one friend who is also up and working and being as supportive as her crunched schedule allows. Go to her little daughter's softball game tomorrow night to hang out with her and her nice mom. Cry if Ineed to cry. Know that I don't have to feel perfect to keep working.

The more of this work stuff Iget written tonight, the better Iwill feel. It will help.

 

I had most of a reply to this typed up on my phone, then it died. Whoops.

As to the reasons behind my depressed state....

A lot of it is recovering from pneumonia. Coping is way harder when you're sick, or still exhausted from recently being sick. I frankly was having trouble coping about 4 days before the illness got obvious. When I'm exhausted, I cry. I live about a block from the office, and sometimes even just that has been so tiring that I find myself crying when I get to the office, which I'm sure further contributes to all of my coworkers thinking that I'm positively insane. I feel like a four year old, crying for being tired, but that's really a big part of it.

Other stressors. Trying to date. Which spurred the need to deal with that letter to B. And now I keep awkwardly checking my mailbox, not sure whether or not to expect a reply, not sure what kind of reply it might be if I do get one. Money is terrible right now. I maxed my credit cards, and now I'm being forced to actually live on what I make in addition to paying the recently quadrupled minimum payments. (Apparently when you max the card is when they start really demanding money from you.) So, yeah, that's really stressful and bad. And part of what has made the illness more stressful. My work is a little like freelance. If I can't bill, I don't get paid. No paid sick leave.

Another big stressor has just been being alone while sick. I'm not the most outgoing extrovert, but I definitely need some good contact with people to feel ok. I was quarantined and by myself totally for 5 days. I think I had about 40 seconds of face to face contact on day 2 when a friend dropped off some Gatorade and 15 seconds on day 5 when someone brought two cans of soup. And when friends said they would stop by with supplies (I lost my thermometer and ran out of milk) and didn't, I was crushed. I was so glad my dad came for two days. But, for this whole week, maybe because of illness, maybe because I'm getting on everyone's nerves, maybe because they are all stressed with their own shit, people will just not hang out or even chit chat at the office. Well, one friend gave me a little chit chat on Wednesday for 5 or 10 minutes and then brought her fast food over for about 15 minutes on Saturday. So, it's not 100% dire.... I also was wondering all week if my best friend was intentionally avoiding me on fb messenger, one of the main ways we communicate, and intentionally avoiding my invites to hang out. Then tonight she snapped at me saying, "Also you know that people are considering it difficult to be around you lately. You don't need to be relying on this group of people [including her] to meet all of your social needs right now." Well, shit. My best friend only wants to hang out with me when I'm fine and she isn't, and if I'm not fine, she won't? Arg. **** you. Sorry I've not lived in the area for a decade like you have and don't have all my college friends down the road to hang out with like you do. Cue "Sweet As Whole" by Sara Bareilles.

But, I'm really, really lonely. As an adult, I've never been sick for more than like 2 days at a time before. It's a different experience, having to take care of yourself for days on end when even watching TV sounds too hard and tiring. I would stay hungry for hours, just because getting up and making food was too difficult......

Sorry I'm being so whiney.... I think at some level, I'm trying to convince myself I was really sick, that I didn't just make it up. One of my fears is that doctors will think I'm just making it up and coworkers will just think i'm lazy. And, then the doctor really did act like I was just making it up, ignoring the damn pop rocks sound coming out of my mouth and saying that my asthma was being aggravated by anxiety. While, true.... I'm glad he did a CYA and gave me antibiotics and other meds, too. I'm just a little nervous about the Addiction Starter Pack of benzos he prescribed. Stressors I don't need include addiction to benzos.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm going to just keep working into the wee hours since my first appointment isn't until 3. I can sleep wonky and avoid crying in front of people at the office for no goddamn reason and embarrassing myself.

Good thing: Doing work at my desk tonight that's next to my tank of African cichlids. They so pretty.

Other stressor.... Major life changes like coming out continue to be difficult about 6 months in.

---------- Post added 12th Sep 2016 at 02:22 AM ----------

Thank you.(*hug*)

 

I did so many things! If I got them in before they finalized payroll, I hopefully doubled my paycheck in addition to fixing things for the audit starting today. We'll see how all that goes. If that money comes through, it will help me feel a lot better.

Downside, with the pressure to get as much as possible done by 9am, and with the world's slowest laptop (hey, it was $20), I didn't sleep. At all. Glad I only have a 3 and a 4 today. Gonna nap for a couple hours.

 

I am getting through, a little at a time. It will be ok. Or at least ok-ish.

When you say you don't think you'll make it, what do you mean by that? Sounds bad no matter what, but I don't know if you mean you think you will fail out of school or kill yourself or be homeless or what. Share what you can, even if in code. We will think good thoughts in your general direction. If things get bad, call up the Trevor project.

 

Thanks for telling us, CG. I'm proud of you for typing it out.

I occasionally have questioned my gender. It helps me to sometimes hang out on the board about gender. They're really nice over there, good to talk to about things. I think that some people feel kind of gender fluid, that some days people feel more like one or more like the other. However you feel is ok. You will figure it out.

For me, I guess I've landed on that most of the time I feel like a woman and like that, but sometimes I feel somewhere in the middle. And sometimes I wish I could present more masculine. I bought a binder, but it was the wrong size, and I haven't tried to trade it. And sometimes I want to pack, lol. I don't know that I want to identify as genderqueer to other people, but sometimes I identify to myself that way. I think there's a spectrum-ish of things, and I kind of know where my range is on one end, but Idon't stay all the way on the end, if that makes sense.

You're going to figure it out. I wonder if coming out would free you up to take a smaller class load next semester. Part of how I'm surviving is that I just have a smaller caseload than my coworkers, functionally working part time. It's ok to downsize other things. This stuff takes up a lot of our brains. That's normal and ok and we can be proud that we're dealing with our stuff now.