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Married and not out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bwhopper, Jul 24, 2011.

  1. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    thank you and there is definately a constant theme about seeing a therapist, which i will do in the fall. for now, this is my therapy! i am amazed and impressed that all of you take the time to read and respond. it is phenominally helpful to me. and i do realize that nothing will change with my situation unless i open up. i realize things wont change with me but they may with my situaion if i want to endure the discomfort and pain it will cause to get there. i dont think i am depressed, i just feel dishonest and like i am carrying a heavy weight inside.
     
  2. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    But it does sound like I am not the only one who has been in this situation!
     
  3. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    the other thing i realize after reading through the thread, is that once i am out to my wife, i will most likely be out to my office and friends, family, etc. So, it is not a simply quiet conversation. it will be a broader comming out and will have bigger implications. that said, it will probably feel like a relief, but i am not looking forward to it and am still debating what is the better course of action. staying in the closet is definately the easiest.
     
  4. Lexington

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    >>>it will probably feel like a relief, but i am not looking forward to it and am still debating what is the better course of action

    A lot of people compare it to pulling a splinter out. The build-up can be a lot worse than the actual action. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    thank you! so if it is like a splinter, if you leave it in it will get infected and much worse and requiring more a more complex remedy. is the analogy still valid?
     
  6. maverick

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    I can't elaborate on the other good advice given here much except to say that whatever you do, please don't go on the downlow (i.e. stay married to your wife and experiment with men on the sly). It might be easy to try and rationalize behavior like this, like, "I can learn whether or not I'm really gay, and my wife never has to know," or, "I can remain romantically/emotionally attached to my marriage and still get some man-cake on the side."

    Nuh-huh. Don' go there. Doing so would be monstrously unfair to your wife.

    Since you already report feeling a heavy psychological burden from hiding this immense secret from your spouse, I can only imagine it will get worse the longer you keep it.

    In my opinion, your wife deserves to have a husband who finds her sexually attractive. Sexual companionship is a major component of marriage. You also deserve to have a significant other whom you can share reciprocated physical intimacy with.

    ^ This.

    One thing to keep in mind: Coming out after marriage is potentially going to be as hard on your wife as it is for you. She will probably question her value as a wife and her worth as a woman. If you do end up telling her, please treat her gently and be understanding if she is initially angry, irrational, etc...it will probably be embarrassing for her even if she suspects, and even if she realizes that it fundamentally isn't her fault.
     
  7. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    Thank you and sound advice. Not a single person has said that this is easy, painless or simple. It is all the opposite: difficult, painful and complicated. And I have nobody but myself to blame for not listening to myself earlier in life. But that is water over the dam. The question remains what now? I do no intend to be on the "down low" as I know that is gas on a fire. The burden is mine and the corse I chart going forward is also my choice. I may not have choices on what I am and may have made differen choices if I knew then what I know now, but this is about looking forward and not backward and being honest.
     
  8. Sam R

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    Hi mate. I just wanted to throw in my two pence worth by telling you my story.

    I had been having random meets with guys for years but did it, forgot about the
    then carried on with my straight life. I got married, carried on doing it, sneaking away and then totally forgetting. I never felt guilt or anything.

    All of that was until a few months ago when i started to get stressed and depressed for no reason. At that point the horror of what I had done started to hit me, resulting in me blurting out the truth to my wife, my soulmate, best friend and someone who I love dearly.

    The reason I am telling you my story is because I would hate what has happened to me to happen to you. Of course you and I are different as you are conciously aware of your situation but use that to your advantage.

    Start seeing a therapist ASAP. It will help you sort through what you want. You may be able to choose a life with your wife but be gay, you may not. Either way you need to find out what you actually want. Only you and you alone can make your decision, and I would hate for it to be made for you by your mind being so stressed out that you blurt it out.

    I do not mean to scare you by what I am saying, I just want you to see that you have choices, you just have to explore them. Their is going to be pain involved for someone be it you or your wife whatever happens. No amount of advice from anyone will ever resolve your worries mate, only you can.

    Go and see someone if not already, it will put you ahead of the game so to speak so you can make some level of decision that you feel is right.

    I wish you the best of luck, get some support buddy.
     
  9. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    Thank you. The feedback is so helpful. I have followed a few people who have just come out and wow. Not going to be fun or easy. I just wish I didn't feel so wrong living with such a secret. It eats at me and feels dishonest. I just don't know that it will feel better for anyone else other than me to be out.
     
  10. feelindown

    feelindown Guest

    bwhopper, this is bigmac, i'm i have read your ongoing thread from start to finish. i thought maybe you had already told your wife. but it appears you continue to ask the same question over again. the reality is you like dudes. you have the speedos and calvin klein undies to prove it. look, you are obviously not happy with your current marriage, you are on this blog day in and day out talking about this, so the reality is, this is not someting that is just going to go away. sit down with wifey and tell her what the deal is. you do not even sound like you want to be with her anymore and that your true wish is to be with a man. so yea, get counselling if you feel like it will help, but to me you sound like you already have made your decision but you are just scared to do it. if you wanted to work things out with the missus, you would have ended the thread a long time ago, and focused on women and not dudes. so apparently, you want a dude. and she is not one, so deal with it. you are not moving forward. get teh counseling, tell the wife, and start on a hunt for a dude. good luck with that. dont think for a second that finding that special male mate is a walk in dream world. be prepared for what you are stepping into. it's hard for anyone to find a partner and it's harder for gay people with all the secrecey shame, condemnation, sex, blah blah blah. good luck.
     
  11. ukmick

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    hello, I can totally relate to you, Iam 32, live with gf and got 2 year old son and I have been sleeping with men properly since 2005,when I get the chance, so Im having a confused time aswell. your not alone. I understand the guilt feelings you have aswell. hope It works out well for you.
     
  12. feelindown

    feelindown Guest

    hey ukmick. i have a question for you. i know this is a bit unrelated to your thread but a lot of poeple on here are always wondering (myself at times as well) how you can tell if a guy that looks and acts straight is gay if he has a girlfriend or a kid. there's so many straight or "is he gay or straight" crushes going on. maybe you can help people and tell us the signs to know or what to look for. i am assuming you are masculine and you are hooking up with guys still although you have a gf and kid. so let's say a guy was interested in you but wasn't sure if you were gay or not, how would he be able to know you were interested???? give us the details.
     
  13. ukmick

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    its somethin im not sure about and yet to learn, as ive only met guys online.
     
  14. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    The advice on here is consistent: get a counselor, move on and quit living a lie. I get it. And I get that it isn't easy or pain free. Thes dialog has helped me thing through slot of things and I do appreciate the dialog.
     
  15. Jim1454

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    Ultimately, this is what you'll want to do. There's no point being out to some people and not others - in my opinion. You'll want to live one life that is totally integrated.

    But maybe not right away.

    Coming out is a big deal, and a 'big bang' approach is scary. At least it was for me. So I did it slowly, over time. This was only possible because my wife was so understanding and supportive. She let me go at my own pace. She didn't tell anyone, and instead drew strength and support from her therapist. So I came out to her in November and we separated in April, but I didn't tell my best friends why until August. I told my parents in October, my sister in November, but then I didn't tell my kids for another year and 5 months. And only after THAT did I come out to extended family and then work. And that all worked for me. So you can do it at your own pace.
     
  16. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    Every time I get close, I do get car about all the schrapnel with mutual friends. Like I said, if I only realized then what I do now, life would not be so complicated. But I am where I am and I put me here.
     
  17. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    There is a big part of me that just wants to be out as a big relief, a weight off my shoulders, and being oper and honest and not hiding the truth. The reluctance comes when I realize I will hurt people who think I am heterosexual and how all the relationships and friendships will be different. What about work and family etc? I feel like I will be starting from scratch with a trail of rubble because I wasn't honest with my life. Oh well. It is certainly easier to stay in the closet but just think it is dishonest. Too bad it won't just go away.
     
  18. BradThePug

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    I don't know if this will help you much, but sometimes people do not react the way that you expect them. I know that some people that I thought would hate me were some of the most accepting.
     
  19. Jim1454

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    We all have this worry, and we're (almost) always wrong.

    There isn't a trail of rubble anywhere. You haven't 'hurt' people because they assumed you were heterosexual and it turns out you weren't. (How can they be angry if it's taken this long for you to even come out to yourself?!?) Your relationships won't (necessarily) change.

    We didn't have that many common friends, but there is one couple that I went to university with that we spent lots of time together as couples and families. They were totally supportive of me, and after my wife and I separated we would still sometimes visit with Mark and Linda together - just like old times. Since, Mark and Linda have now attended both our weddings - they're still friends with both of us, and now with our new spouses. (Although I'm sure they like my husband better than my ex wife's husband! :grin:)

    But I was right where you are now. Terrified of how all this was going to play out. But it went WAY better than I imagined it would.

    And to your last point - no, it's not going to go away. Now that you've come to this realization and you're being honest with yourself, you can't close that door and pretend you've never opened it. You can only move forward from here - not back.
     
  20. greg

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    Hi Jim, Hi all, its been along time since I logged on however I still occasionaly read some of the posts. bwhopper I also know how you feel as I was also married with kids. Re Your comment: "It is certainly easier to stay in the closet but just think it is dishonest.". It is now not easier to stay in the closet. Why? Because you think that it is dishonest. You, like I, where dishonest with ourselves and you have now stated that you are dishonest with your wife. This will eat you up and in the end you will be more agitated and depressed with your situation. You are at the start of a journey where you will find your inner strength to combat your demons, no one knows what the future holds but this a chance to help detirmine your future. Little steps and deep breaths, and most important see a counselor and learn to be honest with he/she. Life is what you make of it, sometimes we have to do some hard work with ourselves but in the end its your life, make the most of it. The hardest part is finding that inner strength.
    Use your inner strength wisely it you will be rewarded, you will learn a lot of things about yourself and that is rewarding. I will keep watching with interest to see how it pans out and offer advice that you may like to use or reject. Regards Greg from Australia.