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Married and not out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bwhopper, Jul 24, 2011.

  1. 55

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    I read an awesome book this weekend that I think might be of value to you. It's called Finally Out by Loren Olson, MD. He's a psychiatrist who came out in his 40s. I got it on Amazon. I could see myself on every page. Please consider at least reading the reviews on Amazon.

    Hang in there. I'm following in your footsteps. Stay brave and keep posting!
     
  2. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    Thank you and I'll look for the book. I'm not sure what being brave is in my case but you comment is greatly appreciated.
     
  3. Ianthe

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    This is the hard part. You will get through this part, and your life will be more fulfilling than it has ever been.

    Are you and your wife still seeing a counselor? Have you found a support group?

    Who else did you come out to? You said you "shocked" some more people.

    I know it's difficult right now. But this hard time is necessary in order to reach a better time on the other side. It's going to be all right.
     
  4. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    Yes seeing separate counselors and found a support group but have not been able to make any meetings. I have come out to a few friends, one had no idea and two others thought I was gay all along and were not surprised. What do you think the better time on the other side looks like?
     
  5. Jim1454

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    It looks like what I'm experiencing right now. I don't have secrets from people. I'm out to my ex wife, my family, my kids, my friends, my coworkers. And they're all fine with it. So I'm able to be the authentic me - without worrying about what people might think if they were to know the truth.

    I met someone 6 months or so after my wife and I decided to separate, and that friendship grew into a relationship 6 months after that, and this past summer we got married. So NOW I'm living the life that I was REALLY meant to live. One that allows me to express my sexual orientation openly and completely with my husband.

    NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think I would get here when I first came to terms with the fact that I was gay. But here I am. THAT is what the 'better time' looks like.
     
  6. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    Thank you for sharing what it meant for you. I have to say, at this point, that looks like a long way off, but the freedom of being open and honest is very appealing. Although I can't say I'm happy at the moment, but I am coming to terms with the facts.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    It didn't all happen over night. It has taken a few years. But the effort was well worth it.
     
  8. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    I did change my status on this site from "curious" to "gay".
     
  9. Ianthe

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    Congratulations! Self-acknowledgement like that is a really big deal.

    Regarding what "the other side" looks like, I mostly meant what Jim said. Most importantly, all of your relationships feel more genuine because you know that the important people in your life love and accept you for who you really are.
     
  10. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    I do know my being gay will not change so I decided to not hide it even on this site. Why should I say curious when I know that I am gay? If I stated I am not going to lie about it, then this seems like a good place to start. I am not curious. I am gay.
     
  11. Ianthe

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    :eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap
     
  12. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    It didn't seam like a major leap, but I guess it is.
     
  13. EM68

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    It is a major leap. Congrats!! :eusa_clap
     
  14. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    Ok, maybe it was a step. Now the next step, even though I'm not sure if I'm headed in the right direction!
     
  15. Sam R

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    Hey,

    I can only agree with what the previous post from Greg says.

    As you probably know I have come out to my wife already, and now, eight months on it gets just a little bit easier all the time.

    I do not want to urge you to do anything, your life is for your choices. All I can say is that depression forced me to come out to my wife. It was not a conscious choice I made to tell her, instead depression forced it out of me. Am I happy now, no, do I know what my future holds, no, is everyday easy, no. That inner strength however keeps pushing me on, even when all I think is that life is not worth living something keeps me pushing on, going back to work, seeing friends and occasionally glimpsing a future with me at the centre of it, with me happy all over.

    I tell you this not to tell you to come out but so you know you are not alone even though it feels like it. The fact that you have spent so long posting tells me you are the sort of dude that cares hugely about the people around you, and that is a beautiful type of person to be. The only problem with that is that if you care about others before yourself then by default you will always end up not being authentic with who you are.

    Your demons will be with you forever if you do not meet them face to face, and do the graft that is required to knock them down and move through them. I make it sound easy, it is not. Every day they sit on my shoulder, trying to deprive me of my future happiness, but that fighting spirit that we all have in us somewhere carries us on.

    Get a therapist and explore what is stopping you doing what you clearly want to do. It will not be that you are gay, it will be some other fear of being alone, unstable or something else. In my case I have found out that my fear of being alone and rejected is what stopped me realising what I knew when I was a teenager. Knowing it does not fix it, but it does explain why, and it gives you something to work with to try and change.

    Good luck and keep letting us know what happens. You will take action whenever you are ready and you will know when that is. My only health warning for you is that making the choice to do it consciously will be very healthy for your state of mind, as opposed to depression forcing you to let out what must come out.

    All the best.
     
  16. jimL

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    I think that Sam made a good point when he said that you are a good person and that you think about others before yourself. That is exactly what my councelor has been saying to me. She says that I am always making decisions based on how I think others will perceive me. She keeps asking me when I am going to start doing things for me. That kinda stopped me in my tracts. Maybe we are alot alike. I don't know. But I know there is a lot of good and bad in wondering what others think about us. Maybe that's why the both of us married and stayed in the closet for so many years. I feel your pain. It's just so difficult. Good luck and be good to yourself.
     
  17. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    Extremely insightful comments. Thank you and I am sorry you have had to go through the depressing episode. I do not think depression is my state of being, luckily. And the one thing about marriage is that you did make a commitment to put someone else ahead of you as a priority. That is the delima with the situation. The question becomes easier to answer if you can see coming out to your wife as something she is entitled to know and not telling is unfair and dishonest to her. Painful as it is, it is then not just about you, but disclosing who you have discovered that you are. And you are right, it is not fun or easy as the truth sometimes hurts. This would be easy if it was only about me. Then I would be out to everyone.