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Married and not out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bwhopper, Jul 24, 2011.

  1. jimL

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    Hi there, older married guy here. I started the coming out process this last June. I came out to my brother first. A week later I came out to my wife. It was truly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life!!!! EC helped me get though the process....I'm not sure I could have made it without all the wonderful advice. One of the common suggestions was to seek counseling. I carried through with that but only had one session before I told my brother....I just couldn't wait any longer. I had this huge depressing weight on my shoulders just as you have and I needed to get rid of it.

    My concern is that you don't let anyone "push" you into doing this until YOU are ready (Like a previous post might have suggested). Only you will know when it's time. It took me several decades to make that decision. like you, I had thought that my wife suspected, and in the end she said that she did, she said the signs were there but she chose to ignore them. I was lucky in that she has been truly wonderful! It has been difficult but she has fully accepted it.

    It will be very hard for the both of you. It will be difficult at times. And, your absolutely right its not just coming out to your wife it's all the others. I am out to over 30 family and friends at this point and all but a couple were very stressful.....but it is getting easier. It is getting better. For me it took about three months before I started feeling better......and damn I am feeling better now than I have felt for many many years. So good luck with however you decide to more forward with this, I'll be thinking about you and hoping it's goes well.

    Also, I am still in counseling and it has helped a lot. I think a couple more sessions and I will be on my own. I will get better no matter what!

    P.S. After work tonight I'm going to have a beer with a co-worker he thinks were just going to have a beer, hehe. Guess I'm going to surprise him!
     
    #61 jimL, Sep 16, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2011
  2. scottsulli

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    I am exactly where the original poster is. I know I'm gay now, although I still question myself some days but don't have the guts to come out to my wife. I have set a date to tell her though. 28 oct. Am seeing a therapist although this can't overcome the essential terror of telling my wife. What I fear most is her anger at me. We get on great which makes telling her all the more difficult.
     
  3. stilllovelyafte

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    Scott - in a similar boat. I'm working up the courage to try and set a date or something similar. I guess I feel that I'm too unsure to let the cat out of the bag yet. I know I need to inject some more honesty into my life, but I sort of hopes things would unfold more organically.
     
  4. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    thank you. the comments are very helpful

    ---------- Post added 24th Sep 2011 at 02:51 AM ----------

    it is helpful to know that i am not alone and that others have faced the same situation. i also think that there are a lot more people in this situation than the world knows. but i do think it will deminish generation by generation. Families, work places, churches, etc are all mch morer tollerent and accepting now than they were twenty years ago. this will make it easier for people to accept themselves and perhaps not be in the closet at all. for me, the private conversation at home brings the most anxiety. i dont have much concern about co-workers and not all that much with close friends. but i do know being out will change lots of relationships and some are more mature than others.
     
  5. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    for now, i am really spending time thinking about where i will end up being out versus staying where i am. maybe my current situation is better that the alternative.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Perhaps. Is your current situation great? Are you and your wife close? Do you have a healthy sex life? Are you emotionally close?

    All the while I had a 'terrible' secret that I was keeping from my wife, I grew distant. Now I don't have any secrets from my spouse. And it feels great.

    In the end, life is what you make it. So if you're not willing to go out on a limb in making your new life great, then perhaps you are better off sticking with the 'so so' life that you've got going for you now. Only you know.
     
  7. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    when the moment is right for discussion, i will have the conversation. and, i will not lie if asked by anyone. and, my wife will hear it from me, not someone else.
     
  8. Jim1454

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    Quite often the 'right moment' never presents itself. You might need to bring it up yourself.
     
  9. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    maybe i do need to set a timeline and have the discussion. the common wisdom is that remaining in the closet will continue to erode marriage no matter what. and the difficulty that may follow may be offset by a huge burden being lifted and being able to be open and honest.
     
  10. s5m1

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    That is my view on this. Once you realize that you are gay, I think staying in the marriage is a recipe for unhappiness for both you and your wife.

    I don't remember - are you seeing a therapist yet? If not, I think you should start with one to help you sort through your feelings on coming out to your wife. A good therapist will also provide important support if you do decide to come out to your wife.
     
  11. bwhopper

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    I have found a therapist and scheduled a meeting.
     
  12. jimL

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    Cool! That is a huge step. I think you will find it very helpful just to talk about it.
     
  13. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    Well, even with counseling, I may have come out anyway as my wife borrowed my computer and had the entire history. Including various gay married sights. I'm not sure it is such a bad thing as it is allowing her to digest it a bit slower. But she indicated that she knows that I have been to some "pretty interesting sites about marriage". The good thing is that reading them will help as well. I know more conversation is to come, but the initial one has been had without speaking.
     
  14. jimL

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    That was always my worst nightmare, my wife finding something on the computer or one of my dvd's. I must say though, I was being a lot less careful before I came out (last year). I think I wanted her to find something. Is that the case with you.....just curious. I think you are right, it will give her something to think about. I take it as a good sign that she didn't totally freak out and start asking a lot of questions. The questions may come soon, so prepare yourself to answer them. And just be honest. She deserves it!
     
  15. Jim1454

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    It would seem to me that 'the cat is out of the bag' here. You might as well start the conversation. (Well - talking to a therapist first might be helpful.)
     
  16. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    The cat is definitely out of the bag and it feels better already. The conversation is coming in more depth for sure and that may not feel good. I was not careful on the history and that was intentional. The fact that she didn't freak out just means she may have known already.
     
  17. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    I should probably change the headline of this thread now. We have had the conversation after my wife put if all together (the things I like, what I wear, website history, how I am with her physically, gym membership, etc). The cat is out of the bag and on the couch! And I am, I guess, out of the closet (barely). And a friend at work knows and now my brother, who is out also. I did find a therapist who says I am doing what needs to be done, as difficult and painful as it is. It does suck. We are working through the "now what." issues. But I did now lie and there were lots of questions like "did you always know." did you marry me to hide it? And so on. I feel terrible that the choices I have made are causing pain to others that I would rather endure myself. I also know my mother has puti it together, but we have not discussed directly. My brother says deal with home first. At any rate, the painful process has moved forward. Not fun. I really do wish I could change this about me.
     
  18. Jim1454

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    Hi there. I know 'congratulations' doesn't sound quite right given your situation and your mood, but it IS good that you've taken the steps that you have. As painful as they have been.

    Wishing you could change this about you is a waste of your thoughts and energy though. You can't change the fact that you're gay. You can't change anything about how you've dealt with it in the past. Not a single thing. All you can do is change how you're going to deal with it today. And you're doing that. Good for you.

    Hopefully your wife will understand how difficult this has been for you over the years, and what has motivated you to do what you have done in the past.

    Keep us posted as to how things are going.
     
  19. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    While I have been coming to terms with things for awhile, my wife has not. She has lot of questions even about what role she has played. Did you know when we got married? What made you realize all of this now? Etc. She needs to digest and determine what it means for the relationship.
     
  20. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    I have to say, it has not been fun lately. I still feel awful and humiliated but know it won't change, no matter how bad things are. I do know it won't go away and I have been honest about that fact. I just wish I could make things a bit more comfortable, but know that will not be the case and I just need to get used to it. I have shocked a few more people as well.