Married and not out

As prestated, I'm younger, so I might have trouble understanding you partially, but the more i read, the more i begin to understand. I'm sure your parents would want you to be happy, and I'm proof positive that your brother would accept you, but that's a given. I see the unfairness of your position. From both sides. You feel guilty because you haven't told her and because you're afraid of hurting her, but in reality (as i have read every one of these posts), you still want to stay with her, at least for now, as i understand it? You should just tell her, in my opinion, but you also say you do love her, or at least care for her, even though you aren't... stimulated by her? (apology for any indelicacy, which, i swear, is not intended) So I suggest that in case it does come up naturally, you prepare answers, good, well-thought-through and even rehearsed answers (think of it as improv in a drama club, only you know the topic already), because if you can put your feet into her shoes and her position, you can guess everything she'll want to know, right? So, since you said you might tell her naturally if it comes up, prepare yourself before any further notice... I know it's all been said, but restating it can't hurt, eh? We seem to keep getting deeper and deeper into it... Which is good.

 

I do? Is that a compliment or sarcasm? (fingers crossed for the compliment but hey, who knows) I have a lot of relatives and close family friends who are gay/bi/lesbian/trans so I know a lot about this kinda thing. I agree. I'm having a minor issue with my mum (forgot to mention it earlier), and i feel better when i talk about it too, so i understand that from there.

And to be honest, she probably has an inkling suspicion in my opinion if you think she does, even though I obviously don't know her. What kind of questions did she ask if you don't mind me asking? They weren't blatant, I take it?

((and as for the it won't go away part? I know... I tried to make it go away too... but I realize lately more than ever that i am excessively more like a guy than I ever was a girl, and I always have been if I look back and think about it... even if it wasn't so obvious at the time... But enough about me, this thread is yours))

 

Well, thank you *smiling like crazy now* me teaching a fourty-something-year-old... hmm...
Anyway, I can see how in certain contexts those can be considered a suspicious question, depending on how she asked it. ((btw, now i just have to ask what kind of athletic wear, even if it doesn't help the problem at hand.))

What do you think would potentially need to happen to open a conversation about it with her? (say, to bring it up naturally, because you can't expect her to just flat out ask like a random person on the street might. or... at least i don't think you would expect that... I wouldn't. and i don't even know her)

 

I was really hung up on having deceived people for so many years, particularly because I came out so late in life. I was pleasantly surprised when not a single person was mad about that. To the contrary, everyone was very understanding about the turmoil and pain I went through for so many years.

 

@s5m: you're more fit to be talking about this, i suppose. (as i'm only 16)

But, in response, i agree that any of those were exactly what i had in mind. i would be prepared just in case it feels right the next time you guys talk about any of them.

and i'm not judging you you have a right to your athletic clothing and Calvin Klein underwear. It's a totally free country and i have a totally straight cousin that wears underwear girlier than mine (he's a guy and there's lace all over them, don't ask how i know... bad... timing i guess.)

And as for that, the choices you made do reflect your life, as your inaction to do things to keep yourself out of this possition, but on the other paw, you didn't choose to make yourself that way, as you have said before and we all understand here. you need to do something before the pressure kills you.

 

Hmmm..., Well, I would think that if you ever get the basic whim to tell her and feel like you could get it out, I would get it over with, because I'll never do something the way I've planned to... but that's me... so I don't know... What appeals to you most in this light?

 

i'm writing this down

 

I'm sure you can figure it out and we're all rooting and praying for you.

 

I think it's good that you won't lie if it comes up. That was one of the first things my therapist told me. Almost 2 years ago, I was where you are at. I never imagined being able to come out to the family or to pursue this path. But with the help of my therapist, I've been able to keep peace between everyone and start to move on with my life.

So find someone to talk to and let them help you develop a plan of attack. My therapist advised me on when, what, and how to tell my wife. She also helped us both figure out how to proceed from there. It's very scary in the beginning, but once you get through it, you'll find that it wasn't anything to really fear.

 

Just wanted to check in on this thread and I have to say I am so inspired and happy to see how much more positive your posts have become. You're still struggling, I see that, but you seem more at peace, is that so?

My wall is ways free if you need advice/or to vent.

---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2011 at 04:19 PM ----------

I just realized that there's something I could share with you that might help you. I don't know why I never thought to share this before, but I'm going to tell you what happened when my first long-term boyfriend came out to me as gay. Obviously our situation was not exactly the same as yours, because we were only together for a year, but it was a very trying year. I was with him throughout his cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy. We had plans to get married after graduation, and we had frozen his sperm in case chemotherapy rendered him sterile. Then one day, I got an email from him telling me he was gay. I was devastated. In my mind I had obviously not been enough for him (this is stupid, but even my being bi couldn't give me any appropriate perspective, I was just hurt). Then I felt angry, feeling as though I had wasted a year or my life.

I know this seems discouraging but stay with me here.

I called him and told him that I understood, but that I didn't want to talk to him for a little bit. He was very upset and asked me why. I said, "because I love you, but I'm angry, and I know it's not your fault and that there isn't anything wrong with you or me, but if I talk to you now my anger will get the better of me and I'll say something I don't mean. So just give me some time and we'll talk soon."

Two weeks later I went to see him, and we cried and hugged and he told me he loved me and I was his best friend. I said he same thing. We are best friends to this day.

I guess I wanted to share this so that you know that even if your wife does react badly initially, it's a natural feeling, and things can get better. You love your wife and you're committed to her, and that doesn't have to change. By telling her you may end up gaining one of he best friends you will ever have .

I agree with everyone that suggested therapy. It has helped me exponentially. I just want to suggest that you do some research and be aware that it may take your seeing a couple different therapists before you find the right one. After you tell your wife, it may even be beneficial for you to have a few sessions together.

Good luck, and I'm thinking of you.

 

I understand your comments about the commitment you made when you married your wife. I struggled with those same feelings. I did not believe in divorce. To me, marriage was a lifelong commitment, and I was not going to walk away from it. And, I loved my wife too. Yet, I could not escape the feelings I had inside. While I loved her, I also knew that I was gay – deep down inside.

This internal struggle was eating me up, and I was sinking ever deeper into depression. The gay feelings were getting stronger and stronger, the more I tried to fight them off. I saw no way out. I committed to marriage, but I longed to be with a man.

Eventually, my marriage fell apart. I can’t say how much was because I was gay and how much was because of other serious issues in the marriage. Regardless, we both knew it was time to end it. I don’t know if I could have gone on living much longer with the depression and hopelessness I felt.

Once the divorce was final and we had re-established a relationship with each other, I came out to my ex-wife. We talked for a very long time, and she was very supportive, but there was one question she asked that will always stay with me, “Why did you marry me if I never had a chance?” I have thought about that question ever since.

I guess the point of this is to ask you whether your commitment to marriage is allowing your wife to fully experience her marriage? If you are gay, is it fair to her to remain together? Clearly, this is a hard question, and likely one that she should be included in. However, I don’t think you should focus on it right now. I would spend your energy coming to terms with being gay and leave this for another day – after you have had some significant time with a therapist.

As you know from my prior posts, there can be a pot of gold at the end of all of this. Your life, and hers, can be very fulfilling. Both my ex-wife and I are now in loving relationships. We are both far happier, and, as a result, able to be far better parents to our kids. We are also modeling for our kids healthy relationships with our new significant others. Our children will, hopefully, grow up having learned how to have healthy relationships, rather than unhappy and dysfunctional ones. In some ways, we have held true to the commitments we made to each other when we were married - we did what was best for each other and our children.