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Married and not out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bwhopper, Jul 24, 2011.

  1. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    My wife is totally open to the gay community and we have a few gay couple friends. My brother is gay and out and I have not yet talked to him, but it does lend credibility to the hereditary argument of being born gay. My parents are very accepting of him, but he is not married. I was with another man back in high school. He put the moves on me saying it would be no different than if he were a woman. After a month of messing around, I called it off because I was scared. I went on to date many women and to get married. But I do know what turns me on and can't help it and think it unfair to think of something else when I should be thinking of her.
     
  2. CharmanderGato

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    As prestated, I'm younger, so I might have trouble understanding you partially, but the more i read, the more i begin to understand. I'm sure your parents would want you to be happy, and I'm proof positive that your brother would accept you, but that's a given. I see the unfairness of your position. From both sides. You feel guilty because you haven't told her and because you're afraid of hurting her, but in reality (as i have read every one of these posts), you still want to stay with her, at least for now, as i understand it? You should just tell her, in my opinion, but you also say you do love her, or at least care for her, even though you aren't... stimulated by her? (apology for any indelicacy, which, i swear, is not intended) So I suggest that in case it does come up naturally, you prepare answers, good, well-thought-through and even rehearsed answers (think of it as improv in a drama club, only you know the topic already), because if you can put your feet into her shoes and her position, you can guess everything she'll want to know, right? So, since you said you might tell her naturally if it comes up, prepare yourself before any further notice... I know it's all been said, but restating it can't hurt, eh? We seem to keep getting deeper and deeper into it... Which is good.
     
  3. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    You have a lot of wisdom to pass along for just 16 years! And if she already suspects, as I think she does based of a few questions over the years, she may actually be relieved. it would be so much easier if I could just make it all go away. But my being here is the realization that it won't go away and I can't change it and life isn't always easy. It does feel good to at least talk about it.
     
  4. CharmanderGato

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    I do? Is that a compliment or sarcasm? (fingers crossed for the compliment but hey, who knows) I have a lot of relatives and close family friends who are gay/bi/lesbian/trans so I know a lot about this kinda thing. I agree. I'm having a minor issue with my mum (forgot to mention it earlier), and i feel better when i talk about it too, so i understand that from there.

    And to be honest, she probably has an inkling suspicion in my opinion if you think she does, even though I obviously don't know her. What kind of questions did she ask if you don't mind me asking? They weren't blatant, I take it?

    ((and as for the it won't go away part? I know... I tried to make it go away too... but I realize lately more than ever that i am excessively more like a guy than I ever was a girl, and I always have been if I look back and think about it... even if it wasn't so obvious at the time... But enough about me, this thread is yours))
     
  5. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    This thread is ours and yes I was complementing you as you are teaching me about myself. She asked questions about why I was always buying new underwear (for me and not her) and some of the athletic cloths I wear.
     
  6. CharmanderGato

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    Well, thank you *smiling like crazy now* me teaching a fourty-something-year-old... hmm... :slight_smile:
    Anyway, I can see how in certain contexts those can be considered a suspicious question, depending on how she asked it. ((btw, now i just have to ask what kind of athletic wear, even if it doesn't help the problem at hand.))

    What do you think would potentially need to happen to open a conversation about it with her? (say, to bring it up naturally, because you can't expect her to just flat out ask like a random person on the street might. or... at least i don't think you would expect that... I wouldn't. and i don't even know her)
     
  7. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    I'm not sure how it would come up naturally, perhaps in a conversation about my brother, our gay friends, gay marriage, our sex life (or lack thereof)? And I tend to wear the tight kind of running pants in winter and a speedo for swimming laps, but not at a pool or beach. I do believe that in sports, function and effectiveness should prevail with respect to clothing and equipment. And I do like Calvin Klein underwear! What can I say?
     
  8. s5m1

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    I was really hung up on having deceived people for so many years, particularly because I came out so late in life. I was pleasantly surprised when not a single person was mad about that. To the contrary, everyone was very understanding about the turmoil and pain I went through for so many years.
     
  9. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    I don't worry much about acceptance but do worry about commitment and living with choices I have made. It does feel like it is eating away at me and the pressure is building. I'm not sure why, but it dominates much of my thought when I wish it didn't.
     
  10. CharmanderGato

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    @s5m: you're more fit to be talking about this, i suppose. (as i'm only 16)

    But, in response, i agree that any of those were exactly what i had in mind. i would be prepared just in case it feels right the next time you guys talk about any of them.

    and i'm not judging you :slight_smile: you have a right to your athletic clothing and Calvin Klein underwear. It's a totally free country and i have a totally straight cousin that wears underwear girlier than mine (he's a guy and there's lace all over them, don't ask how i know... bad... timing i guess.)

    And as for that, the choices you made do reflect your life, as your inaction to do things to keep yourself out of this possition, but on the other paw, you didn't choose to make yourself that way, as you have said before and we all understand here. you need to do something before the pressure kills you.
     
  11. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    The issue now exactly what the something is? what should I do is my basic question.
     
  12. CharmanderGato

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    Hmmm..., Well, I would think that if you ever get the basic whim to tell her and feel like you could get it out, I would get it over with, because I'll never do something the way I've planned to... but that's me... so I don't know... What appeals to you most in this light?
     
  13. PeterCottonTail

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    i'm writing this down
     
  14. Chip

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    First, welcome to EC if it hasn't been said before. :slight_smile:

    Second, get yourself a copy of Joe Kort's "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love". You can find it used on bookfinder.com, or new in the large print edition (regular is out of print) on Amazon. That book, which is really poorly named, has a ton of really wonderful info for gay men coming out later in life, including several chapters on the special issues of heterosexually married gay men and how to work specifically with those issues.

    Third, you will probably want to find a therapist, preferably one with experience with gay men coming out of hetero marriages. That will be invaluable in helping you process your own feelings and understand the changes and how to handle them.

    If you are seeing, or considering seeing other men, I strongly recommend that you come out to your wife and get matters out in the open before you pursue any hookups or activity with other men; the best way you can handle things with your wife will be to show her that you can act with integrity and that you are trustworthy. As hard as that may be, it will make all the difference in how things move forward than doing it any other way.

    Please continue with questions, concerns, and other issues that arise for you; I'm sure there will be many, and that's fine. Also, the advisor team are here and available if you want to talk to any of us over PM rather than in the public forums, so feel free to make use of that if you so desire.

    And... remember to breathe and take it slow. It will get easier :slight_smile:
     
  15. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    thank you all. it does sound like the common advise is that i need to tell my wife, but not before speaking to a professional therapist. and that the feelings will not go away because that is how you are no matter what but you can go on in the closet. thic conversation has helped a ton and i hope to keep it alive. it doesnt make it easy and im not sure how i take the next step. i do wish it would go away but i know in my heart that it will not and i need to face facts.

    ---------- Post added 31st Jul 2011 at 02:40 AM ----------

    the other thing is that i really love my wife and am committed to her. i just wish i were sexually attracted to her.
     
  16. CharmanderGato

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    I'm sure you can figure it out and we're all rooting and praying for you. :slight_smile:
     
  17. bwhopper

    bwhopper Guest

    the bottom line is that while i feel a constant drive to be open and honest, that i have to live with commitments and decisions of the past, which i am not saying i regret, that is just where i was at the time. i can go one in my current situation with little consequence other than my own fufillment of who i really am, now that i have acknowledged and accepted the reality that i cant change that about me and it wont go away. so if the issue comes up and the moment is right, i wont lie, but i wont jump up with a sign either and volunteer to further complicate my life. it is what it is and the decisions i have made have put me where i am. i did not listen to what was going on with me earlier in life.
     
  18. KneeDragger

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    I think it's good that you won't lie if it comes up. That was one of the first things my therapist told me. Almost 2 years ago, I was where you are at. I never imagined being able to come out to the family or to pursue this path. But with the help of my therapist, I've been able to keep peace between everyone and start to move on with my life.

    So find someone to talk to and let them help you develop a plan of attack. My therapist advised me on when, what, and how to tell my wife. She also helped us both figure out how to proceed from there. It's very scary in the beginning, but once you get through it, you'll find that it wasn't anything to really fear.
     
  19. Melusine

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    Just wanted to check in on this thread and I have to say I am so inspired and happy to see how much more positive your posts have become. You're still struggling, I see that, but you seem more at peace, is that so?

    My wall is ways free if you need advice/or to vent.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2011 at 04:19 PM ----------

    I just realized that there's something I could share with you that might help you. I don't know why I never thought to share this before, but I'm going to tell you what happened when my first long-term boyfriend came out to me as gay. Obviously our situation was not exactly the same as yours, because we were only together for a year, but it was a very trying year. I was with him throughout his cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy. We had plans to get married after graduation, and we had frozen his sperm in case chemotherapy rendered him sterile. Then one day, I got an email from him telling me he was gay. I was devastated. In my mind I had obviously not been enough for him (this is stupid, but even my being bi couldn't give me any appropriate perspective, I was just hurt). Then I felt angry, feeling as though I had wasted a year or my life.

    I know this seems discouraging but stay with me here.

    I called him and told him that I understood, but that I didn't want to talk to him for a little bit. He was very upset and asked me why. I said, "because I love you, but I'm angry, and I know it's not your fault and that there isn't anything wrong with you or me, but if I talk to you now my anger will get the better of me and I'll say something I don't mean. So just give me some time and we'll talk soon."

    Two weeks later I went to see him, and we cried and hugged and he told me he loved me and I was his best friend. I said he same thing. We are best friends to this day.

    I guess I wanted to share this so that you know that even if your wife does react badly initially, it's a natural feeling, and things can get better. You love your wife and you're committed to her, and that doesn't have to change. By telling her you may end up gaining one of he best friends you will ever have :slight_smile:.

    I agree with everyone that suggested therapy. It has helped me exponentially. I just want to suggest that you do some research and be aware that it may take your seeing a couple different therapists before you find the right one. After you tell your wife, it may even be beneficial for you to have a few sessions together.

    Good luck, and I'm thinking of you.
     
  20. s5m1

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    I understand your comments about the commitment you made when you married your wife. I struggled with those same feelings. I did not believe in divorce. To me, marriage was a lifelong commitment, and I was not going to walk away from it. And, I loved my wife too. Yet, I could not escape the feelings I had inside. While I loved her, I also knew that I was gay – deep down inside.

    This internal struggle was eating me up, and I was sinking ever deeper into depression. The gay feelings were getting stronger and stronger, the more I tried to fight them off. I saw no way out. I committed to marriage, but I longed to be with a man.

    Eventually, my marriage fell apart. I can’t say how much was because I was gay and how much was because of other serious issues in the marriage. Regardless, we both knew it was time to end it. I don’t know if I could have gone on living much longer with the depression and hopelessness I felt.

    Once the divorce was final and we had re-established a relationship with each other, I came out to my ex-wife. We talked for a very long time, and she was very supportive, but there was one question she asked that will always stay with me, “Why did you marry me if I never had a chance?” I have thought about that question ever since.

    I guess the point of this is to ask you whether your commitment to marriage is allowing your wife to fully experience her marriage? If you are gay, is it fair to her to remain together? Clearly, this is a hard question, and likely one that she should be included in. However, I don’t think you should focus on it right now. I would spend your energy coming to terms with being gay and leave this for another day – after you have had some significant time with a therapist.

    As you know from my prior posts, there can be a pot of gold at the end of all of this. Your life, and hers, can be very fulfilling. Both my ex-wife and I are now in loving relationships. We are both far happier, and, as a result, able to be far better parents to our kids. We are also modeling for our kids healthy relationships with our new significant others. Our children will, hopefully, grow up having learned how to have healthy relationships, rather than unhappy and dysfunctional ones. In some ways, we have held true to the commitments we made to each other when we were married - we did what was best for each other and our children.