I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

RJay, stop over thinking things and second guessing her motives haha. She mentioned it back in June and then brought it up again, so I don't think she feels obligated to invite you, at the very least she enjoys your friendship, you are going to have to work on accepting this.
So let me get this straight they are leaving on Thursday and the she I see coming back minus the kids on Friday and leaving again Sunday morning??

 

Giving you some tough love right now: Stop second guessing her intentions! I know it's hard, especially when the situation is so uncertain. But why would you be a burden to her? I think you need to work on some self-love, hard as it may be. You're obviously amazing and I think it's pretty obvious she thinks so too (romantically or not).

 

I hope you get to see her Saturday.

 

Ha ok so I appa entry have no idea what day it is haha sorry.
Yes offer to pack the car or offer her a child free dinner for two .

 

Just the thing I say to people who are a burden on my life haha

 

When she says stuff like that how can you not think that she is feeling something for you.

 

See?!

 

Subtle

 

I've read this entire thread, twice. Your story has all the staying power of what my Mom would have called "a good gripper." I really feel for you and what you're going through, but I'm afraid that this is not going to work out the way you hope. I agree with your friend who "thinks V is just really vulnerable and lonely and has latched onto me because of all the positive attention I give her. She thinks I'm in too deep and need to back away because this is a person who has boundary issues and may be using me though it could be completely unconsciously." V herself told you: "She thinks she wants to get her emotional needs met with her friends and her kids and have an occasional fling with whatever guy she can hook up with." What that says to me is that she's comfortable with 'emotional lesbianism,' but would turn to men to meet her physical needs. She also told you that she's in recovery from alcohol dependence: "She wound up telling me all about how she feels she has a pattern of getting into friendships really deep and then failing at them, AND she admitted something I was already pretty sure about which is that she's in recovery with AA because of alcohol." Why the conjunction of those two ideas, failing at deep friendships and alcohol abuse? My wild-ass guess is that in the past, one or two of her "deep friendships," aided by alcohol, has gone some place she wasn't comfortable. Then she pulled away and blamed herself for the "failure" of the friendship. I also agree with your brother's opinion: "she may have low self esteem issues and may not imagine that you could have feelings for her, but she is not a stupid person, so I find that hard to believe." She may be so dependent on you or feel she needs you so much that she doesn't want to tell you right out that she isn't interested. Her bringing up a past boyfriend may have been as close as she felt she could get to telling you. Falling for straight women doesn't usually end up like Tig's romance, and I've known more than a few dykes who used faux romances with straight women to avoid the very real terror of dating or courting much more willing and available women.

 

Love this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!
I agree with all to some degree here and there. Love the NYC skyline pic with your son!
Regarding the texts: my friends do this all the time and we are All Platonic, I swear.
Here is a small text copy paste:

Super❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Here is another:
Oh. She even tried garlic bread ❤❤❤❤.

Here is one more:
❤❤ hugs. Will try to sleep.

One more(bunch of smiley hugs plus this):
Flight leaves shortly. ❤❤❤❤

I am Not a huggy crazily in your face type of friend but these I get constantly, sometimes several times /day.
BTW these are not teen texts - grown mom friends.

 

Looking back on this post, all these crazy hearts are just an exadurated way to communicate in order to keep texts fun and exciting.
What you have with V is a mutual understanding and the texts show it.
Hope my previous post was not too much of a show off (I tend to do it sometimes

 

Ok so can you put to bed your thoughts that she just feels obliged to invite you? Even if it isn't just as a friend she wants you to visit.

Ok I think there are a couple of things to look at here. Firstly I really don't think the things you do can make her that uncomfortable, I mean maybe she doesn't like you like that, or maybe she doesn't understand why she doesn't mind the things you do, but if someone did all of those things to me and I felt uncomfortbale there is absolutely no way I could just keep talking. I also think that fair enough the first once or twice you did it maybe she could have thought that if she ignored it then it would stop but if she thinks that now she is really naive.

I get where your therapist is coming from with the whole learning to just let things be and ride them out and she must know what she is talking about but I do feel for you RJay. You've been through so much with your marriage and divorce and figuring out your sexuality and you are finally in a place where you are free to find love with the right person for you and now you are caught up in this brain killer of a situation where it is absolutely impossible to know what exactly is going on. There is apart of my head (probably the romantic part) which wants to whole heartedly tell you if you sit it out long enough V will realise how she feels about you and you will both live happily ever after, or at least have a relationship. Then there is another part of my brain that is arguing that you could be her in a years times and we could still be having these conversations and V will still be not reciprocating but not putting you off either. Whether that be because she feels she needs that contact with someone but doesn't want a man in her life, or because she has feelings for you but she hasn't accepted that part of her and that has logiced it out that if she only goes that far it doesn't need make her gay. V is a very complex person (and I don't mean that in a bad way) she is recently divorced, she admitted to an alcohol issue etc etc, I think this makes her harder to read. There are a million reasons and things that could be going on in V's mind and we just don't know. So I guess the question is how long are you willing to be in this situation, I mean I'm not saying you shouldn't be here friend but I am wondering if you should check out some other dating avenues. I know it seems scary and why would you do that when you think you have the perfect woman in front of you, but I just wondered if meeting some other women and going on some dates or at least chatting to them would make what you have less intense, whilst potentially helping you realise that women will like you. I'm not saying completely give up on V, but it doesn't have to be her or nothing. You can keep seeing V and if she suddenly decides you are what she wants then you can ditch the other avenues but if she doesn't you won't have left all your eggs in one basket.

Are you going to follow your own advice??

I do agree it is most likely you are talking about different things here although always difficult to tell.

I will be interested to hear what the therapist and life coach have to say.

 

Hi Rjay,

I think you have a lot of insight re:V. And I think that you are reading the things V does and says, and doesn't do and say, probably correctly.

Really weird/coincidental that you mention this conversation you had with V about intuition. I have often referenced the site 'Baggage Reclaim' --posts are always on target, always make me say 'OMG yes!' Writer is just a woman who has lived for years with self esteem 'stuff', spent years not listening to her gut, in her relationships and other aspects of life. And so honestly, and refreshingly directly (and humorously!) shares what she has learned along the way. But just yesterday I was reading a post about listening to intuition, your gut, the 'whisper'. And I read something in it that really made an impact. I've kind of tossed it around in my mind a bit. Makes so much sense.

'If you're not listening to your gut---you're ignoring you, and you're ignoring reality--while potentially operating in a high bullshit environment.'
-Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim
Told you she was direct! But I love the way she puts things.

Bottom line is we don't know what will happen with V, since you two haven't spoken about it yet. Tig stories DO happen, but are no doubt a BIG exception.

I will throw this thought into the mix. I would not expect V to be the one to stop the dynamic going on between you. As she certainly is quite fine with lots of physical contact from you. She is gaining something from it. (Exactly what is still a question anything from she's into you but scared to show it to it filling another unrelated need...) People have to have incentive to stop dynamics in their life--- no incentive to stop them, they will continue. I am guessing that if the physical contact, the overall closeness of the you two is becoming too much for you (and I think it would be for me!) then you would have to be the one to stop it. I don't think she will, because I don't think she has a lot of incentive TO stop it.

I'm sorry you were crying and so upset last night, I know this is so hard. The emotions are just so pointed! High, low...I get it. And all of your tribe is here for you

 

If it were me, I couldn't take it anymore. I would just have to have a resolution, good or bad, so I could move on mentally. I'm seeing my lady friend on Saturday and I need to talk with her. I'm still not sure how she feels about me and the ambiguity is driving me nuts. I'm asking her and then depending on the answers I'll either continue my relationship with her or I need to move on. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.