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I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. Soundofmusic

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    I mean, likelier than not, this thing you both have going on won't last forever. At some point, either your feelings will overwhelm you, or she will admit to having feelings for you (which unfortunately is less likely just based on everything you've told us).

    You seem like such a genuinely good hearted, beautiful person capable of loving someone wholeheartedly and Id hate to see you get hurt. But I also think it's good that you're exploring how you feel about a woman, even if it's platonic. Your situation is sort of similar to mine (except in my case, the woman would toy with my feelings and then told me everything was in my head - she was cray lol). Point is that in my case, even though I got really hurt, I was still able to see how capable I am of truly loving a woman, and I wouldn't change that for the world.

    There's of course a chance things might end up in your favor. I have a friend who went through something very similar to what you're going through and after a year they ended up together and have now been together for about 5 years, but that's such an exception!

    What I'm trying to say is, don't hold out hope that this is going to turn into something else, but don't stop what you're doing either because this will teach you so much about who you are as a wlw and though it may hurt a lot now and in the near future, you'll be grateful it happened in the long run.
     
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  2. idsm

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    I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to be that bold right now. Don't forget to consider V's side. She's not stable right now to even consider dating. She's recovering from an addiction (and it's too easy for her to fall into another kind of addiction, eg. addiction to you, to the way you treat her, addiction to sex if you get there). She is going through a major life change, she has obviously self esteem problems and she seems to be breaking down a little too often. I think that if you go and straight tell her, she will reject you (not necessarily because she doesn't like you) and even if she doesn't reject you, what you will have will not be good/healthy for either of you. So, my advice would be to back off for a little while and go back to being her friend. In a few months you can see how it goes.
     
  3. beenthrdonetht

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    You should ask to braid her hair! OK on second thought you might just go crazy.
     
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  4. Soundofmusic

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    LMAO Hair braiding is so gay. I remember I always wanted to braid my crushes' hairs haha
     
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  5. Silverbirch

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    You are obsessed with kissing!

    :grin: :grin:
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Maybe...... I just want you all to have what I have ❤️
     
    #526 silverhalo, Aug 2, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2017
  7. RJay

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    Tough love from my therapist. I cried for a solid hour while she told me that I am deserving of someone who can meet my needs and doesn't just take from me. My mother is a narcissist and in every meaningful relationship in my life, I have gravitated towards narcissists who need so much from me and don't even come close to reciprocating. She didn't say that this is definitely what is going on with V but that since it is my pattern, I need to figure out how to identify what I want someone to give me so I can ask for it. I have no idea... I've never had a relationship, even platonic, in which anyone did anything for me. I've never asked for that or allowed it or even identified any needs I might have. This feels like a huge realization.
     
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  8. Silverbirch

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    Hi there

    Your last post, that sounds like the relationships I've had in my life where I've given a lot and in return I've received what I thought I deserved - zilch.

    I've been having therapy for almost a year and all I can say is that over that time I've realised this was the case, and also that in the future I won't be doing all the giving.

    V does appear to be perfectly happy allowing you to do things but to not reciprocate. I feel it would be more useful for you to have someone who would either say no to you when you start stroking her hair or touching her hands, or who would do the same to you. Either way is a position of movement, of knowledge. Right now you seem stuck in limbo not knowing what she is thinking or wanting. By now, with all you've been doing, the other person ought to have reacted one way or the other.
     
  9. RJay

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    Yeah, that's why I'm feeling all messed up. Who lets somebody stroke their hand across a table and doesn't pull her hand away but also doesn't react even a little bit? I think not seeing her much this month might help me a lot. Maybe it will help her too. And in the meantime I need to start figuring out what I want and need in a partner. It's not a good idea to get into something with absolutely no clue about what I require. I'll just be as lost as I've always been.
     
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  10. silverhalo

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    It sounds to me like you are so scared of rejection or someone leaving that you chose these people who have such great needs almost that they can't do without you and you don't ask for anything in return because that might give them a reason to leave.
     
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  11. RJay

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    Yep.
     
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  12. zumbaqueen

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    RJay, I really do hope for the best for you. Please take care of youself. Hugs.
     
    #532 zumbaqueen, Aug 2, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2017
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  13. silverhalo

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    You are worth so much more than that Rjay. You have so much to offer someone but it has to be mutual and even. You have to at least like yourself and believe that someone can love you for who you are and not just what you can do for them before someone can love you like that.
    I think partly the problem is that you have been so strong and tough and held it together on the outside for so long that you struggle to show weakness and vulnerability. It's ok to need someone, to ask for help and not be ok.
    You need to write a list of all your positive attributes Rjay, reasons people love Rjay. We will make sure you have them all.
     
  14. RJay

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    Thank you. You have good intuition and insight, @silverhalo .
     
  15. Moonsparkle

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    This sounds like a light bulb moment therapy session! I think when we are brought up with the lesson that we don't have a 'right' to have needs or to express them we just go on, right into adulthood, believing and living out in relationships the same 'teachings'. My mom was a narcissist also (among other issues!) and this is what I learned too.

    Light bulb moments in therapy ARE huge. And so happy you had one today that has you thinking about YOU and your needs.

    I do feel that whatever happens/doesn't with you and V, that all of your experiences with her have been important. It just seems in reading your posts that you are learning a whole lot about YOU. Realizing you are gay just in the past year, your relationship with V, going through your divorce--it's all new stuff. I bet years from now you will look back on this particular year and think, 'Wow! I learned a lot about me that year!!'

    Here's to light bulb therapy moments that spark us to think about us in a different and healthier way! And you are going to be thinking about your right to have needs AND start identifying them! Such good stuff! :slight_smile:
     
  16. Rana

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    Hi RJay,
    I do think some time apart will help, and meeting new people will help even more (like tremendously). I'm someone who either feels nothing or falls really really hard for someone (like, true misery/lovesick). I find that when I meet new people, even if I haven't met someone I like as much as that certain someone, I still feel better because every likable characteristic I see in a new person gives me hope that I can find someone else who I will love again. It really does wonders for your emotions to meet new people, even as only friendships. It makes you stronger. It won't make you fall out of love with V, but it will make it less painful, more harmonious (and easier to accept the only friends status if that is the case).
    I'm sending you a big hug. I know how you feel, friend (really). I know you will be happy in the end whether it's with V or someone who can love you back 100%. You deserve at least that much. ♥

    P.S. - Your courage in being open and honest on this journey with V has helped us all who have felt every ounce of emotion (good, bad, etc.) that you have. It let's us all see how we go through similar things as human beings and that it will be okay. This is not a small thing that you've done...your courage and vulnerability will help us all as we go through similar experiences. So thank you!
     
  17. Rvnt

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    This was the way it was with my former boss (it was a real informal small business). She never discouraged flirty comments and she kept it alive by throwing in a few flirty comments of her own. This went on for over a year. But I slowly got the realization that even if she is bi or lesbian, she just does not see herself having another relationship with anyone, and it would not fit within her life. It was just not going anywhere. I still work there occasionally, always happy to see her and catch up with the latest, and it is kind of funny how she wants to keep this flirty stuff going, and I do myself, but I just know for myself I cannot put any more energy on someone not clear about their sexuality. I am clear about mine, and I now want a potential life partner who has gone through some tough stuff to be clear about who she is, like I have. All in all, I am happy for the experience I had with her. I would not be as far along as I am now.

    Oh well, I am sure this is not what you asked to hear, but the above is my truth, its a new truth born of coming out even further, and just needed to put this in words. I cannot discourage you, keep going for her.
     
    #537 Rvnt, Aug 2, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2017
  18. Orchidea123

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    Rjay, you are on the right track. I agree with many and maybe I am wrong , however, V enjoys accepting your help and attention, and heck yeah, this would keep anyone from slipping down while divorcing her ex husb.
    You are very attentive, caring and loving with her and it comes from within you.
    That part is best to be reciprocated, in a happy relationship where love grows and both sides are content.

    So, how do you get someone to reciprocate? They probably have to be as giving by nature as you are, when they care. I am not saying V doesn't care. She probably does in some ways, but feels fine with being sorta 'spoiled' by you.

    What should you do? Restrain in hopes she'll wake up and start doing same things for you? Its an OK tactics, but sounds a bit like playing games.
    Maybe being a little 'selfish' for the sake of your own peace of mind, confidence and content is not too much off at all. It will keep you grounded.

    Her being away should help definitely. Maybe you get different perspective, plus use this time wisely.
    You are a FREE woman. Aren't there any women meetups in the area? I am not an expert in tjis, but maybe this will be a great chance to get to know one or two new people and get fresh look at new possibilities.
    I applaud your therapist for not just saying what you want to hear.
    You can rock it and I am sure there is that someone who will 'spoil' you as long as you let them:wink:
     
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  19. Really

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    I have to agree with this wholeheartedly. I have a couple a groups with whom I do one of my hobbies and while most of them are not really even proper friend material, they are super friendly and while my personality borders on the curmudgeonly, I find it almost a joy to be around them. The cheery greetings when we get together and the goofy conversations we have brighten any day I've been having. Good or bad, it's always better for having been with them.
     
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  20. RJay

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    Thanks to ALL of you for the support. It really does help tremendously.

    The life coach session I just had helped too. She might be even more helpful than the therapist, because she gave me lots of written homework. Writing down needs and desires, writing down my negative self-talk statements, stuff like that. These are things we will go over in the next session. Feels like taking positive steps. She was also super encouraging and sweet and reassuring. She thinks it's so perfectly understandable and natural how "crazy" I've gotten given where I am coming from. She wants me to be kind to myself. Which is what you are all saying too. Maybe I'll start to believe it someday soon!