I will beat "Gay" :)

Hi germanion,

Remember, this is NOT the end, it is the beginning. Way too early to assume anything or make decisions.

Can you afford or have access to counselling? If so ensure the counsellor is right for what you face. Last thing you need is a dogmatic fundamentalist moron (enough adjectives?) telling you what is right for you. You need a guide who helps you find yourself regardless of who you are.

I would see a counsellor ASAP. Maybe before you tell your gf. Not months down the road but in days or weeks.

I literally called councillors and asked their position on LGBT counselling. I also took the position that if I had to speak to a counsellor my opening statement had to be "I have an issue with my sexuality". To me anything else would be like going to a travel agent and forcing them to guess where I want to go. Wastes everybody's time.

This is not a negative time for you. It is a time of self discovery. Be optimistic and open.

 

Stop referring to yourself as a monster. There's nothing wrong with you, you're just struggling with your emotions at the moment, which is very normal of people coming to terms with their sexuality and the breaking of a relationship.

It is unfortunate that you had to let go of her, but remember that it is not strictly for her sake, but for your sake as well even if the current times may seem very dark for you. That you'd have to lie to yourself and those around you continuously to be able to be with someone you love is a very sad life when you could instead be truthful with yourself and be in a relationship with someone you don't have to hide from.

Which isn't to say that the future events you'll be faced with will necessarily be positive, but that at the end of the road you'll be happier with yourself after you've passed through all those obstacles.

 

(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
You were very brave to tell her, Germanion. I'm sorry that her reaction hurt you, and was not more supportive. But just because is angry and not supportive now does not mean that she will stay that way. This is big news. She needs time to process it, and it sounds like she was surprised so that means that she is only just now beginning to process it.

Are you familiar with the stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. It sounds like your girlfriend got through denial and into anger. And that is okay because those are two steps on the way to acceptance. Also, she is likely mourning the loss of your relationship. I know it is hard, but give her time and give her a little space. You may end up with your friend back as she lets this information settle in.

Would you like to maybe write her a letter explaining your feelings to her? Maybe about how you didn't mean to hurt her and that you cared for her as a person completely and that you still consider her a dear friend? It doesn't sound like your phone conversation lasted long enough for you to say everything that you wanted/needed to say and what you thought she needed to hear from you. You might feel better if you wrote that all down for her.

Hang in there, Germion. It gets better. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

Germanion -

You are not a monster. I know you feel you are in a dark place right now, but things are not as dark as they seem. The fact that you told her the truth shows how much you cared for her - as hard as things feel right now, just imagine lying to her, marrying her, and then revealing the truth years later? It hurts right now, but it would have hurt even more later. The loss of a relationship is always hard, and it is even harder under these circumstances.

By being brave you've given her the freedom she deserves, but you've also freed yourself. Yes, it's painful, but in the end - even if it doesn't seem so right now - it will have been worth it. Years down the road, you will not look back upon this moment with regret, even if you still look back on it with sadness - you know you've done the right thing.

Now, let us discuss her threats of telling your mother and family. Does she have any proof of her claims? None that I can see. You spoke through a phone conversation. My advice - if she does this - is simply to lie. There is no reason you have to confirm what she tells your mother or anyone else for that matter.

I know you would not want to do this, but if you are not ready to come out then you have options. There could be many reasons that your relationship ended, that in turn left her angry, and then caused her to spread malicious gossip about you. If your mother and family are as homophobic as you believe that they are, then denial will be the first stage they enter into if she tells them. If you deny it, then it makes it easier for them to remain in denial, and thus they will be more likely to believe you.

As frightening as her threats may seem, without proof, it becomes your word against hers. And who is your family more likely to believe? You or your ex-girlfriend who is angry and emotional after you called off the relationship?

I suggest you look into counseling if you don't have someone already. Having someone you can talk to during this time will help. Please keep us updated on how you're feeling, and know that you're not alone. The community is here to support you.

 

Hey,

You are one strong guy! You have heart and guts. Anybody, and I mean anybody would be lucky to have you in their life. Not many with your courage.

Next couple of days may be hard but this darkness will lift.

Why not find that old gay friend now, apologize and then talk yourself out to him. He may be the sounding board you need. Anybody you know who is gay should be able to relate.

It is no comfort to a young fellow like you coming from an older guy like me but I have looked my entire life for a guy with your passion and heart. You will find a new love. You did nothing wrong, a homophobic society has created this. Do you see one, ONE, healthy, sane societal role model you can relate to or sets a healthy role model for your sexuality? How many role models for straights? You did not create this society did.

Find somebody to talk to, somebody who can help you heal.

 

You are a man who is willing to listen to his heart and soul and know who he is!

Look at the dozens of us here on the journey. Men and women who grew up trying to meet the expectations of their family, school, church. Society. --- but simply realized that's NOT who we are!

I believe in God, higher power, who made me this way. For a purpose. To be in this world and give back, to love, be happy. And make a. Difference for he planet

You, friend, are finally on the journey and path meant for you,

I send my profound co tratukations, I send hugs, and please keep posting. You're not alone, and in the future you will meet and be happy with the man who is your soulmate.

 

Alright, you did what you think was the right thing to do. Keep us posted. Judging from what I read, you did loved her and my guess is that you still love her now. Now, it would be a good time to see if you truly are a heteroromantic homosexual, or just a homosexual. From reading your other posts, you don't seem to be interested into emotional connection with men at all which suggests me that you are one of both.

If you are a heteroromantic homosexual and you want to be back, it'd be nice to apologize, but explain that love and lust is not the same thing and you don't want to do anything with her much at a sexual level. You'd rather be with her for emotional company. This is all assuming you still want her.

 

First, you're a strong person, able to make tough decisions and stick to your guns, and that's very admirable. Another user said LGBT people were resilient; 'born from fire', and this certainly applies here as well. You've moving through the stages of coming out faster than many older posters, even, so give yourself some credit.

At the very least, you no longer have to worry over hiding a significant part of yourself to someone so close to you, someone you could have spent a lot more time hiding your true self from, maybe even for years, hurting her and yourself a lot worse down the line. That's on top of accepting the fact that you're gay, which, I think for most people are the hardest two steps.

You've lost a lot: breaking up hurts on both sides; coming out to yourself and others hurts on all sides. Give yourself time to grieve and to reach out if you need to. You have the rest of your life to figure things out and to enjoy, and EC isn't going anywhere. Every out and proud non-straight person on EC has probably gone through similar steps, so your story isn't out of the ordinary or an exception; they've been through it and are in a place to advise, sympathize, and encourage you.

You're doing just fine. :eusa_clap

 

How do you actually plan on beating it though? you can't just switch your feelings off? thats impossible, even if you do you won't be fully happy... Have you tried to accept your feelings?

 

^ he has since moved on from the original post

 

Hi,

Find that old friend and apologize for your treatment of him. If he accepts you pour out your heart to him if he is willing to listen.

Somebody real who can hug you is much better for you.

Find somebody to talk to you trust who may have insight.

Your old friend is a good example.

 

You are not alone, even if you don`t go see a psychiatrist. There are people here who care deeply, who has posted to let you know so. Hang on to that. We can relate, we can understand, we DO care. Per definition, if someone is there for you, then you are not alone, and we are (*hug*) It might not be the perfect scenario, because you deserve a friend who can be there to hug you in physical form, but you can find a friend like that, you can find real love, real acceptance both within and from others. So, hang on, no need to leave this forum, or think that you`ve asked for enough. We want you to stick around, get to know people, let us support you on your new path towards self-acceptance. It can be so rough, and we get that. You are not alone!

Please do post and tell us how you feel, every day if you need to. We`re here for you (*hug*)

 

Germanion -

I think everyone is very proud of you, because you've taken so many big steps and have done so well. Even though things are still hard right now, there is no doubt they're going to get better. For the first time in your life you're free, and you're beginning to discover who you are and what you want to do with yourself. You can start looking in the mirror and seeing yourself authentically, not as someone pretending to be someone else.

Although you may not need it, speaking to a therapist might be good for you. Especially one trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I've been seeing one for over a year, and it's helped me tremendously in getting my life back on track - even though I wasn't suffering from severe depression at the time.

Also, I recommend you talking to your friend and apologizing. Even if things don't go well, at least you've attempted to make amends for past deeds. And if things do go well (and they likely will), then you have someone to lean on for support. That's a huge thing, and worth the risk.

Of course, you still have everyone here at EC to stand behind you. You're not alone. There are so many people here who have been in your shoes and have felt as you do right now. Draw inspiration from the fact that so many have come out on the other side and are living happy and fulfilling lives, and know that you can do the same too even if things feel difficult right now.

 

Hi,

My advice regarding your friend...

Put your warm feelings aside for a minute. Expect the worst and hope for the best.

I would sincerely apologize from the heart, let him know it is a real apology. Let him also know it was your own internalized homophobia at being gay yourself that caused the outburst and he did not deserve it.

That is where I would start.

Expect the worst, hope for the best.

 

Hang with us until you have real world help.

The depression will pass.

It will always be there but it won't hurt. I lost a love after 15 years and I can still think about it 25 years later and I can feel the good of it with a tinge of regret at the loss, but no pain.

You are a smart, level headed guy so just give it time. Talking about it with supportive people will help the process. Process it, don't bury it.