I will beat "Gay" :)

I wish the girlfriend luck. House, kids, mortgage... Husband questioning his sexuality eternally.

Tough situation for her.

It is not like this is something new. All us married gay guys made the same exact mistake. We tried to warn how it affected our families.

He knows going in and it is his choice to make.

 

You cannot deny the truth about yourself.

Those who do become anxious, depressed, unhappy, suicidal.

You are in love with the idea of loving a woman. That's not the same as being in love.

All the best.

 

I do agree with Night Rain,skiff and Pete and i would also like to hear germanion's take on all of this...Like read and take it all in and tell us what he makes of everything...

 

I sacrificed my happiness to be with my kids father on/off since I was 19. And in the end, it only hurt him and myself more than it should have if I would have let him go sooner than later. I feel like a robbed him of the life he wanted because I used him to sort out my feelings.

I know it's hard, but things will be okay. It's going to take time, but please open up to your girlfriend. She could be very helpful in helping you get through this. I just think it is unfair to keep her in the dark.

 

If I were in love with a girl completely and totally and wanted to marry her, but she secretly knew she was straight and that she couldn't love me back the same way I would WANT her to tell me. Sure it would hurt at first because sometimes news does that, but I'd rather know than not know and base my life around a lie.

In that case being friends that are always there for each other and care about each other would be what I'd want. And I'd want her to go find someone compatible with her orientation that she could truly and fully love because if I loved her then I'd want her to be as happy as possible whether or not I was the one who could provide her happiness.

I wish you luck. I'm terribly sorry that you're going through this struggle right now. I understand why you're trying to make the decision that you are, but it isn't a fair decision for either you or your girlfriend.

(*hug*)

 

germanion, I need to ask.

What's your background? In what part of the country do you live?

What's keeping you from being who you truly are? Parents? family? Culture? Fear of being alone? Your own expectations?

I've spent my life trying to be the perfect straight guy. I fell SO in love (with women, more than once).

In the end, I broke a heart deeply. But in reality, I saved mine and I saved hers.

I think you're so scared to lose her, to be on your own. Its ok, even without her you'll be fine. Better than fine.

Reach out to us -- we're here for you.

 

Germanion,

You sound so much like me 21 years ago when I married my wife. I knew I could beat the gay. 21 Years later the gay has beaten me. The desires don't go away. They may disappear for while, but they will be back and it gets harder and harder to be who you really are.

I am still processing all of this, and have a long way to go, but coming out to my wife was the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the best thing I have ever done in my life.

If you really love your girlfriend, you at least owe her the honesty to tell her your desires, dilemmas, and what you want to do with your life with her. Marriage is the joining of two people that must fundamentally be based on honesty. She deserves to know you so she can be part if a mutual decision based on truth.

Growth sometimes is painful.

 

He may love her too much to be honest. Love, trust, fear rejection.

Sounds stupid huh? "I loved and trusted her too much to be truthful."

Denial is powerful.

 

OP, you can do whatever you'd like with your own happiness. But your gf doesn't deserve to be loved and wanted only partially. :/

 

Hi,

He has already told us it is not about what is best for his gf but rather his own needs, wants and desires. If the gf eventually gets steam rolled by his unresolved issues it is no skin of his nose.

I hope the OP is understanding what I am doing here.

I am not trying to piss you off but pointing out the fallacy you put forward.

This has NOTHING to do with your girlfriend and what is best for her, it is all about you, what you want. You imagine you want this so bad you will jeapardize the future of somebody you "love".

Guys in true love take a bullet for their partner, they do not put a gun to their partner's head and pretend it is a love note.

I am not saying what you are or what you are not. I am saying you cannot live in denial with unresolved issues on sexuality and make your partner truly happy.

If you cannot discuss your questioning sexuality with your gf you are grasping at pretense, a delusion, a fantasy. It is totally selfish.

Yeah, there is a degree of selfishness in love, but true love abandons that selfishness and sets their partner free to stay or go.

 

If you love her and are sexually attracted to her, you're not really gay now are you?
If you aren't sexually attracted to her, you're probably bi-romantic and there's nothing to deny or beat. Unless you can't live without sex.

If as others are assuming, but you haven't stated, you're not really in love with her or only want to be with her to deny you're gay, I would advise you to reconsider as you'll only hurt her and yourself.

 

i remember watching an episode of the Tyran Banks Show which featured an openly gay man was in a healthy relationship with a straight woman. they had all the sex too. with each other of course.

 

This is what I was about to say^ There are openly gay men in long-term monogamous relationships with straight women, whom they've decided to remain faithful to for any number of reasons. The difference is that these men *are* open to their spouses and kids, while you are not.

Can't you see that the closet is suffocating you? We're past the point of no return, it's obvious you're not straight, yet you want to go back and pretend you never started questioning your orientation. You're a man who deserves to be loved, to have a fulfilling sex life, and who deserves to be able to be honest with himself and society, without fear, shame, or denial, no matter what others might say.

I second what others have said: don't do this. If you feel miserable and suicidal now, it'll only get 10x worse if you wait years longer to confront it again, maybe during a shameful and painful affair. There is help, there is support, many who are totally out have had to face the same things you are experiencing now. It does get better, eventually, but it usually has to get worse, first.

Best of luck to you and your girlfriend.

 

^ I'm not the OP btw

 

I feel germanion's way too confused for us to make sense of it all... He should talk to someone with more experience/training... Just to put his thoughts and feelings in order...
You have said yourself you'd like to talk to someone,so do...:/

 

why not ditch your family?

sorry you're in such a dire situation (mine is not that different from yours *hugs*)

 

i hear ya. coming from a large (very large, home and abroad) family myself, having to base major life decisions by taking family into consideration is the norm - it's a cultural thing - i know that feeling of impeding doom, that feeling that living a honest life is not possible, there are no other options. not a day goes by i don't think about my unfortunate situation. i myself, like you, am starting to believe i'm "gayer" than i origionally thought. this could be due to the fact that i was raised to believe gays do not exist, really, it was like living in a system, there are "no gays" in my family, no one we know is "a gay". my true feelings were repressed, i've lied to myself. see, i have no problems being gay, i want to be happy, but i hate who i am around others, i hate ill judgement from others, i want to love my family. my family are the people i cared for most, but in recent times i've distanced myself on purpose, for my ultimate goal is to leave them, let them live in their world, and i'll live in mine. this is just as much for them as it is for me, it's not like i will happy without them, but this world is not perfect. where i come from (not the USSR) family is considered the pinnacle of life...sigh. oh what to do?