I don't think I can ever accept it...

I know I have a lot of work to do, I've spent years bashing myself and denying it, and I have tried in the past to 'come out' but usually just half heated attempts to have sex when I was drunk.... but I really feel like I have accepted myself in my heart this time.

I feel so alive! I feel like celebrating!

 

You have taken a positive step. I remember when I changed my sexual orientation to gay. It was an emotional high. To openly identify as gay on the forum for the first time publicly even in the protective environment of EC was intoxicating. I truly started to feel this was real, I was coming to terms with the fact I was gay! I actually started to feel gay and it felt great and more importantly normal.

 

OMG this describes it perfectly!

 

I have been away awhile, I got very busy with life and the idea of being gay or coming out kind of went on the back burner. I started convincing myself I wasn't gay again.
Yesterday, I was 'checking out' women but realized there's no use, I am not aroused, I am interested in their femininity because it awakes the feminine side of me,
But I felt a sense of hopeless sadness that I will never be aroused by women. Before I was able to 'trick' myself but I can't even do that anymore...

Today, again, it just struck me. I am gay.
It's not that I just want to have sex with a man, the genie is out of the bottle- I want to be romantic with a man, and I can easily envision that future.

But today I feel sad about it...

 

It's ok to feel sad about it, you are going to feel a bit of both. Realising you are gay is a big thing, starting to find acceptance and overcome the internalised homophobia will bring times of happiness but you also have to mourn the loss of what you thought you had and were and some of the simplicities that come with heterosexuality.
It's also only natural for life to take over sometimes, and in some ways that's definitely a good thing it means you are having periods of less intensity. Also not being able to trick yourself is great progress too.

 

Thank you.
I do realize that I have a shame and guilt about being gay, and I unintentionally stepped backwards when I got busy with work and other things. I do think the sense of sadness in a sense is acceptance, because I am facing the reality that I am not sexually or romantically attracted to women like I am to men.

Without the baggage of thinking about what others think, or how I have to come out, thinking about being with a man fills me with happiness and excitement...

I have a 'date' with an old girlfriend - I had tickets to a show - I really wanted to find a guy to take on a date - my heart raced at the thought, but maybe I can use this as an opportunity to come out to her...

 

I am gay. Why is that so hard to accept?
I can choose to deny it, but giving the evidence, it's crazy.
I can choose to hide it, but what will that bring me?
I can choose to embrace and accept these feelings. For whatever reason, I am attracted to men, not all men, but when I am attracted to a man, the desire for sex, romance, and intimacy is stronger than any feeling I have ever had for a woman. Unless there is some miraculous change in my sexuality, the only way I will ever experience or even have the chance of experiencing romance and lovemaking is with a man.....

 

I think there are probably different levels of acceptance ... at last that's how I feel. I accept my own sexual feelings and attractions and I have had boyfriends and sexual encounters. I don't struggle with accepting my sexual and romantic longings. What I really have a hard time accepting are the boxes that the gay community requires one to fit into (choose your label and your particular "thing"), and the assumptions that people make about you because of your label. These are my stumbling blocks that I can't really find a way around.

 

Amiready, you stated it perfectly. I was the same way when I first acknowledged I was gay. My first time with a man was so much more intense, sensual, and erotic. I had never experienced that level with a woman ever. I knew then that for me true happiness and fulfillment would be in a relationship with another man. Until then I never knew the difference between sex and lovemaking. Gay is so so much better for me.

 

Well if you can come out to her great if not then just continue working on it.

Think of it like learning to drive or something, when you first start, all of the processes take conscious thought, just like at the moment for you to think of yourself as gay and be accepting of that takes conscious thought and effort from you, but over time as with any process this will just become normal and automatic and even when you are busy thinking of a million other things it won't change.

 

If I could muster up the courage this would be a great time, she once speculated I was gay. She's not first on my list but this is a great opportunity.

I already notice that I am letting myself check out guys in public, I never did that before.

Although I look at women I feel increasingly indifferent, it's starting to sink in that what I feel about having sex and a relationship and even dating with a man is way more intense. Unconsciously, I said to myself 'Oh this must be how straight people feel about opposite sex relationships"

 

Great progress again. You are really doing a great job.

 

Yeah, me too! I'm starting to understand what people mean by their 'type' and discovering mine. Kinda pleasant, huh?

 

I also feel relief not having to get anxious if I look at a woman and don't get aroused or even have a desire to pursue her. Looking back dating women has often felt more like a chore.

 

My next steps:
1. Attend a gay meetup
2. come out to one close friend.
3. write an acceptance letter to myself.

I just signed up for some meetups, and I was so excited -in the past I tried to sign up for hetero ones and I never went, but I am excited and happy about some of these!

 

Good on you, @amiready ! Keep us posted!

 

This is exactly how I felt once I started to acknowledge my homosexuality. Relief that I no longer had any interest in women. Being married to one and then after my divorce dating one always seemed to be more of a pain than pleasure. Once I started to see men as sexy and desirable lost total interest in women and it was a relief !