I don't think I can ever accept it...

A rollercoaster ride is a good way to describe it!
Right now at least, I am having a 'mini moment' of acceptance:
1.it feels very good, freeing, warming to accept that I am gay - the more I think about it the better it feels
2. I acknowledge that I have deep passionate desire to be with a man romantically..

 

I was just thinking about your post, today,, I am starting to feel very gay again,I googled some pictures of men in close fitting attire, (not porn and I don't want to get hooked on that- but I wanted to see in the privacy of my home, what my feelings were,these were non sexual images, but might be called 'sexy' I just wanted to examine my feelings...most of the men i didn't find attractive, but the ones that I did, I just imagined what it would be like to be with them.. I was overwhelmed,

I realize I can just stay in my head but its so strong now that it makes me feel like my current life is a lie...if I somehow can push myself to take just one step in the real world, my gut tells me it will be like a damn bursting...

 

Great work

 

Thanks!
yesterday, I spend most of the day thinking how nice it would be to be with a man. Today, I went to a gym class with men and women. As I was changing in the locker room it just flashed in my head "face it you're gay'and I quietly said to myself "i'm gay' it felt very good. It may seem like a little thing but it was the first time outside the house I said or acknowledged it.
In class, for the first time I let myself look at a cute guy and I realized that I was 'trying' to look at women, yes I found them good looking, but with guy I could imagine intimacy and with the women I couldn't

Tonight, I have this feeling like I know it will take work to accept I am gay, but I want to do the work.
It may never happen, but letting myself dream about being with a man romantically makes me feel so wonderful..... why should I be scared of this feeling?

 

I don't think it is a little thing at all I think it's awesome. The first steps or movements forward are often the hardest. Imagine a massive boulder has been in its place for like 30 years, the weight of the boulder has caused the ground beneath it to dip a bit and things have grown up around the edges of it. To begin with it looks like an immovable object, but you've cleared some of what was around it and you are beginning to push against it, getting it moving is difficult, you might have a few times where you think you are getting somewhere only for it to roll back in it's dip but just don't give up. Once its moving your will get a bit of momentum and hopefully you won't need to push so hard against it. Sure you will come up against other little hurdles but you will get there.

It's scary because being gay comes with challenges and also because it's the unknown and almost all of us dislike change and the unknown.

 

This morning I woke up and my first thoughts were that I am happy to be gay. But part of me still doesn't believe I am gay, honestly and is still trying to fight it... or even accept that the feelings are real.
Before I might have had an excuse oh it's a fetish I picked up from porn.. but to be able to day dream about going on a date and looking across at a man I was attracted to, and realized a half hour has gone by and I have a smile on my face?! Why am i fighting this!

It' scary to realize what I feared so much is what makes me feel the most happy and free.
Somehow i feel that denying my sexuality has led me to loneliness because disconnecting from it means I try to interact with both sexes in the wrong way.

 

Today feels incredibly transforming, it's like acceptance is seeping into every part of my being and I am changing by the minute. When I think about being with a guy (not just sexually) I become incredibly happy...when the negative thoughts come up I almost immediately say, why am I fighting this? Right now I just wish I could hold onto this feeling.

 

I realize I have to do this.
Right now I feel incredibly good to admit that I am gay but it's got to start manifesting itself in the real world.

What I need to do:

• Continue with looking in the mirror and saying I am gay- don't force myself to like it, just accept it and it doesn't require anything beyond that.
  
• Think about how nice it would be to be with a guy but don't get hung up in a fantasy world.
• Write a coming out letter to myself. I need something physical.
• Come out to one friend who I think would understand. I don't have to come out to everyone just her. This is best done in person.

 

Amiready

I think this is great! They are concrete steps. You don't have to announce to the world. I don't do that. But, a few people know. Enough that I can be real. Once you just start living without considering it a secret, it makes a huge difference in your ability to accept what comes your way.

It's great that you are not making your sexuality dependent on a fantasy guy. That doesn't work very well.

 

I don't want to keep living in a fantasy world or closet, I want to take real world steps to accept my sexuality. I have denied this long enough..

 

HI Amiready-
Inspired by you, I looked in the mirror and said to my reflection, "You are gay". The weird part was that at first I couldn't do it. But then I did. The surprising part was that after I said "You are gay", I heard myself say out loud, almost like it was someone else saying it, "and you are beautiful". Wow! Where did that come from?

Maybe you could try that the next time you look in the mirror - add something positive. It could be, "and you are ok", "and I love you" -- whatever worksfor you.
Hugs-
=Sevn

 

Glad it helped, but I can't take credit it was the first thing people here recommended to me ! It's pretty hard to deny my sexuality when I have that sort of reaction!

 

Go ahead, take credit! No matter where it came from I got it because you passed it along. That's the power of the community.

 

Amiready,

I've been following this thread and I'm glad to see your progression in accepting yourself. I would like to suggest a small, and simple, way to continue to validate your feelings - change your "Sexual Orientation" status on your profile here to Gay instead of Questioning. Seeing it every day may help. It did for me.

 

I just did....I didn't think it would be a big deal but I started shaking when I was about to change it, and started tearing up when I pressed 'save'...
After I felt this sense of peace and happiness and warmth all at once... and almost immediately a super strong impulse to come out to someone...

It makes me wonder if doing a little thing like that has such a big impact, what will coming out do?

 

Woohoo, you are going to be so happy .

 

I am beginning to realize it's the not taking action, the ruminating and the denial that causes the anxiety..
It makes me so happy to see 'gay' next to my use name!

 

Yeah thinking about things to make sure we don't rush into them is great but sometimes if we hesitate too long our brain just starts overthinking everything.

 

Maybe that "little thing" is not so little! After "questionIng" for a long time, you've made a declaration to all of us on EC.
Hugs-
=Sevn

 

@Shell87 This is pretty much summing up what I am going through right now. I worry that it's just in my mind and all fantasy but the thoughts, attractions, and fantasies have been going pretty strong for over a year now. Married for 13 years and before meeting my husband I had strong friend crushes and started to question my sexuality but never explored. Now I am married with children and nervous to say something to my husband when I don't know what it is for sure and it doesn't help that I'm not feeling happy with him in general.