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I don't think I can ever accept it...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by lost2018, Aug 27, 2018.

  1. out2019

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    When I want to be gay I feel more feminine, I want to be feminine with a man.
     
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  2. out2019

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    Right now part of me is saying "who the hell am I fooling but me"...
    It's really weird, I feel really compelled to tell this close friend even though I dont accept it myself...
    ...
    the fantasies are beginning to feel more like a pleasurable ache now, if that makes any sense...
     
  3. out2019

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    If I accepted that I was gay...
    .... I was thinking about this, what advantages are there? it would just make life a lot more complicated... but its not like having a red spot on your elbow or something clear you can point to that exists...
     
    #63 out2019, Sep 4, 2018
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  4. out2019

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    I can make excuses but...
    Straight men don't:
    1. feel an incredible warm happy feeling when they say to themselves 'I am gay'.
    2. imagine having a boy friend
    3. have intense fantasies (far more intense than anything i have had about women ) about giving a guy a blow job....
    4. ...or laying back and spreading their legs...
    5. have trouble getting aroused by pictures of women (but think they are beautiful) but the right picture of guy can make me nearly ejaculate...
    6. ..and right now I am aching to have sex with guy..

    But I am trying to tell myself I am not gay?
     
  5. out2019

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    I just want to record this while I still feel it... i have been reading stories of coming out here, and feeling a good sort of 'jealous' and I found myself day dreaming about being with a man, and a I felt so happy - and it wasn't even sex...
     
  6. out2019

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    I just wanted to post one more thing before I go to bed tonight...
    I have been feeling so good just thinking about what it would be like to go out on a date with a guy.
    Sorry if this sounds crude, but normally I would masturbate, feel terrible for weeks and forget about it.
    So I don't want to tonight, I just want to hold this feeling a little bit longer.
    Tonight at least, I want to go to bed acknowledging my feelings for men...
     
  7. out2019

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    Sorry I couldn't sleep before I posted this:
    It's so obvious that I am gay.
    It's ok to acknowledge I am ashamed of it, scared of it but It's crazy to continue to deny it or make up excuses for how I feel.

    If I continue to deny it what happens? I continue to go through life unfulfilled... knowing that I long for physical and romantic.. yes romantic intimacy with a guy?

    I imagine kissing a guy and my heart starts to race I can't do that imagining kissing a woman.. how much clearer does it have to be?

    How long am I going to continue to lie to myself?

    I may regret this post in the morning but that doesn't make it not true.
     
    #67 out2019, Sep 4, 2018
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  8. out2019

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    Sorry for the multiple posts.. It's been a crazy night... I trying to get to sleep again, but felt compelled to go the bathroom mirror look at myself and say "I am gay"... a gentle smile came to my face and warm feeling..
    Tonight everything feels so clear, I know I am gay...
    I am really hoping I wake up tomorrow and do the same thing.
    Right now I just want so badly to permanently accept myself.
     
    #68 out2019, Sep 4, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2018
  9. silverhalo

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    This all sounds really good progress. Change isn't easy I agree, and coming out and sexual orientation discovery is definitely not easy. I'm not going to sit here and say to you it's all going to be a bed of roses but I do think that you will ultimately feel that the hard times were well worth it when you get to the other side.
     
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  10. silverhalo

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    Ok so it's more of a fear of letting go of your masculinity as that's what you have known and felt comfortable in the past.
     
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  11. silverhalo

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    You don't have to have everything figured out before you tell someone, it's completely personal to you. Some people like to tell someone as soon as they start questioning. Other like to leave it until they are sure, some people wait until they are in a relationship. It has to be what feels right for you.
     
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  12. out2019

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    Yes it definitely involves a big change, much more vulnerable.
    Part of me wants to tell her because I trust her and it seems it would make it real...

    it definitely was a crazy night I slept terribly but the first thing I did was go to the mirror and say "I am gay".
    I don''t feel as happy and elated as last night, but I said it..
     
  13. Contented

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    Aimready actually had a long term GF at the time. Before that was married to a woman. Once I came to terms with being gay, have never looked back, don’t miss it, wouldn’t go back if I could and would not be physically capable of being intimate with a woman any longer. That alone was the true indication my true sexuality had emerged.
     
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  14. silverhalo

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    There is nothing more like a rollercoaster than figuring out your sexuality. There will be massive ups and downs. I hope you sleep better tonight.
     
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  15. out2019

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    I slept better tonight,)

    A funny thing happened yesterday, an underwear catalog came in the mail (this was funny because I never get anything like this in the mail) , and it had a woman's section and men's section. I immediately realized that I was quickly going past the mens to look at the women's section to see if I could find a 'hot woman' to look at...then I said 'wait a minute'.. I have never 'let' myself do this before, but I looked at the men's section... and allowed myself to look at the men's section in 'that way'I immediately became very aroused... it was a minor thing but it made me realize how I might have self-edited out observations like that in the past.

    I went to sleep and the first thoughts I had this morning was "I am gay" , and it felt really good to acknowledge it.

    Right now I feel a desire to tell this woman whatever is going on with me, I feel the this is the next step.
     
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  16. silverhalo

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    Sounds like more positive updates.

    I say if you want to tell the woman and it feels right then go for it.
     
  17. Contented

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    Speaking as someone who has completely changed after embracing my homosexuality, I found myself distancing myself from my former ideas of masculinity. The more I became comfortable with the more feminine the better I felt. Finally saying out loud I am a gay feminine male was not only a release but a thrill as well. It was the real me after years of playing a role I never liked but felt like I had to play. Truth is you don’t have to. Being gay is every bit as normal and healthy as any straight person. I think more and more men of all ages are beginning to understand and embrace the fact that being gay in preferable to straight. Good luck on your journey.
     
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  18. Shell87

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    So pleased to see how far you have come since I last logged in!

    Good luck with the next step. Remember to never be discouraged by varying reactions to coming out. All that matters truly is self acceptance and living your life for you.
     
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  19. out2019

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    It feels right. My guess is she will be the first real life support and I have always joked with her that she knows me better than I do :slight_smile:

    It feels weird to let it go but it's happening pretty fast, it just feels so natural to embrace it. I don't have any desire to be transgender, but I realize I love feminine things.

    Thanks!


    I stepped back for a few days...the feelings went underground but never left, Tonight I started to think about what it would be like to come out. I am not thinking about outcomes - finding a guy - but just recognizing that I am gay, and I realized that when I try to forget about it my world becomes black and white, and dull and quiet, When I think about being gay and using that as the path to live out the rest of my life, everything feels very good, color and music ! it's scary, but i want to move forward... so here it goes.....:

    I am gay!
     
  20. silverhalo

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    That's because gay bring glitter and rainbows haha, I'm only joking but that is a great realisation. I'm so pleased with all the progress you are making and sure on your path ahead there will be bumps and hills you have to climb but it will lead to a beautiful place. Let us know how it goes when you tell your friend and if you need us we will be right here.