I don't think I can ever accept it...

Amiready, congrats on a huge step in your journey towards embracing your homosexuality. It is both scary and exciting to say for the first time out loud that your gay. That you prefer men as your choice of relationship partners on every level is overwhelming at first but it will become second nature to you. Enjoy the wonderful ride ahead towards the real you.

 

Thanks! I know embracing my sexuality is going to mean big changes, some of them scary. I know I need to do something outside my head to make it feel real and push myself a little. I think part of me still trying to keep it a secret. I am not nearly ready to tell anyone but her...

It's a little hard to process...today I found myself daydreaming about kissing a guy, I never let myself do that before and never did it about women (I couldn't figure out why but now it's beginning to make sense )
It's not just sex, or a blow job, I want to be with a man romantically!.
I resisted it before but when I just let myself think about it, I feel an incredible happiness inside...

 

Amiready, when you first realize that you are romantically interested in a man is incredible. At first I thought it was just sex but in a very period of time I realized I wanted it all with another man. The romance, sensuality, sex and everything that goes with a relationshipis mind blowing. When I found that with my BF I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. I love every aspect of being gay. Sex has never ever been better, our relationship is what I always dreamed of but had the wrong gender. Now that I am with a man it all makes sense. Go with it!

 

I haven't had sex with a man yet, and I am just beginning to realize how I feel about men romantically, and when try to imagine it with my current life, it just doesn't fit.
I can say 'I am gay' but I don 't know if I have really accepted it to myself yet....
I know this is going to be very hard and a little overwhelming where to begin...

 

Once you have sex with another man your vista will change dramatically. 2 years ago I would have never believed I’d be with a man in an openly gay relationship. After our first sexual experience I knew from then on I wanted to be in the arms of another man. To share sensual and erotic intimacy that only two men can. To wake up each day sharing the same bed as another man is an indescribable delight. Openly and honestly being the gay couple we are has been liberation beyond what I could ever imagined. It still feels like a dream to me, and I never want to wake from it. Continue down the path you are on, you will find your way. The path is not easy but well worth it!

 

Strangely enough, I had sex with a guy long before sex with a woman. I really like both but prefer women

 

I have been gone for awhile- the feeling- that I am 'gay' just went away. But tonight it came back out of nowhere. When I 'turned' off' I think I like women, I definitely seem to relate to women more. It feels friendly though. but during that time I don't feel any attraction to guys.
Right now I can't imagine a guy I would want to be with but I feel this deep impulse to be with a guy romantically and sexually but it just doesn't fit into my world....

 

Right now that sounds great, but it also feels like I can never get there.

 

@silverhalo
I guess it comes back to the original title of this post - I don't think I can ever except it, because I don't believe it.
It's great that all of you have found yourselves, but @Contented that kind of 'magic' just hasn't happened to me.
I don't feel gay right now and maybe I am just wrong, maybe it's just some weird fetish or fantasy.

 

Amiready

I admit I haven't been keeping up with your posts on a regular basis lately. But, I will offer this observation. You seem to have gone from "hmmm maybe I'm gay" to "wow, I'm gay and ready to go". This is amazing to progress through this so quickly. But, there are going to be times of self doubt and wondering if this is real. I think this is really common. I don't know anyone that doesn't go through this.

So. I would just add this. You know what you feel and what you desire. Now, it's time to just start living with that knowledge. It doesn't have to keep moving a the same pace you've set. It's OK to just let things develop at their own speed and not push it along. Take it a step at a time. Maybe even enjoy the process a bit.

 

It's ok to have doubts.

So let's look at what happened, from when you were last here and feeling more confident that you might be gay. What changed? When did the change begin? Was it gradual? Did you talk to anyone about it?

 

it doesn't feel true now.

it seems to only come up when my sex drive is very high. I have super intense fantasies when it's lower i have less intense fetish fantasies that involve women I don't find appealing in real life. Those are not nearly as intense
Then when it's really low I have no fantasies at all.

 

I think your mind is fighting itself and when your sex drive is high your natural attraction and desire overpowers your subconcious that wants to try and keep the gay under control and under wraps. When your sex drive is low your subconcious wins and sows more seeds of doubt by trying to make you think of women.

 

That could be, last night my sex drive was getting higher, this morning it's very high, I just wish I could just accept this desire...
When it's low I do just that - try to think of women, and forget that I can just imagine pleasuring a guy and get super excited. I can just imagine going on a date and feeling that spark but I can't keep a high sex drive all the time and it goes away

RIght now I just want to accept it, it seems crazy to not think I am gay when I fantasize about giving men blow jobs or even just holding their hands

 

Amiready

Can you get out and be "gay" with someone. My wife told me when I came out "You cannot not be gay and you cannot be gay alone". I don't think it works well to have this be a thing in your brain only. You don't have to give a guy a BJ...don't right now.

Can you go to a gay bar or, better yet, a LGBQT meetup group? They have a hiking group near me that I checked out. Somehow hang out with another gay man and have a chat?

A couple weeks after I came out, I met a guy on an app. Of course he wanted to hookup. But, he was also a mountain biker and we met, went for a ride and had a beer and chatted through the evening. I see him at LGBQT events and consider him a friend. He never once has made a pass at me but was a sounding board for awhile.

It sure seems like you need that.

 

That's what it feels like in my brain only. I guess I don't want to go beyond that...

 

I think you may go back and forth on this until you put this to a real world test. It is super scary to put yourself out there. But, you may not ever be able to move beyond this point. Looking in the mirror and saying "I'm gay" is a great first step. The next step is sharing that with someone.

What are the consequences to you of putting yourself into an LGBQT situation? Family, job, friends? Can you go to another town and try gay on for size?

 

I think you just have to keep working on it and when these feelings of being gay are lower try and not push yourself to think of women, don't push yourself to think about men either just be in yourself and enjoy a period of rest from sexuality and the questioning.

 

Of course there's some but my company is LGBQT friendly and I live in friendly city.

I know and now that i have 'unleashed' it, it's torture!

Right now if there were two 'magical' pools one that would cleanse all my gay thoughts, and another that would cleanse all my doubt about being gay... my heart races as I type this... I would jump in the gay one.
I don't know why at other times I have such trouble accepting it..it's just so obvious I have never had the high degree of desire for a woman like do about men...

 

You have come a long way, acceptance can come in stages and in my experience it is always a rollercoaster ride, the lows can be really low but the highs are amazing. You just have to enjoy the highs and try not to sabotage yourself in the lows and the lows over time should shrink and disappear.