I don't think I can ever accept it...

Nickw,
Your posts are always amazing to read. I can really identify with them. I go thru stages where I feel so GAY inside but then I see a beautiful women and I become excited about her. I've come to realize about myself that my feelings and attractions for men and women are GOOD. I accept them, I accept me for who I am. Both are so beautiful and its good to be horny. Being married, I can still remain faithful to my wife.

I don't have or can't have an open relationship with a man, my wife does not accept it at all. Having kids sets my priority to being present with my family. But, I can be open to the LGBT community with EC, my SA (12 step) meetings, and here at work. My work has a diversity LGBT group but not everybody knows my sexual preferences at work nor should they.

 

@FooFight54, are you fully open with your wife? I'm not, and I need to be. She has (in my opinion) a LOT of insecurity that gets expressed as anger, often the form of a personal assault. She's afraid that I'll continue to make revelation after revelation, ultimately saying I'm full-on gay and leaving her. So trying to talk and keep the dialog going is really difficult.

 

Sevn,
I'm opened to her somewhat - she knows I like both sexes. But, she resents it and resents being married to me knowing that I find men sexually attractive. I have told her that YES, I'm bisexual but I have and will remain faithful to her. She has a lot of similarities w/ your wife.

Yes, Sevn, I do feel you pain. But I also know we (me and my wife) are truly responsible for our own happiness. For close to 20 years, I thought I was responsible for HER happiness. It took SA group therapy to realize that she is in charge of her life.

But, NO, I'm NOT fully open about EC or my LBGT group here at work. She would lose it................

Hugs,
FooFight54

 

Hi everyone, I was the original poster. I got really scared and deleted my account...but read some things here and after a couple of glasses of wine I feel compelled to come back..

This is how I feel. It doesn't have anything in common with my real life. I have to admit they are more intense than my woman fantasies but that could just be escalation.

I read this before I deleted my account and my mind drifted, for a second, I imagined just being gay.. I started to feel very warm inside... but immediately it just felt like a fantasy.

At first I was little taken aback by your first statement... but for some reason your post intrigued me more than any other.
Ok here it goes:
1. I don't look at men. I look at women. I get excited when I see a beautiful woman. I sometimes wonder why I don't fantasize sexually about a really good looking woman I saw but that might be a confidence problem.
2. Once my fantasy is 'over' if you know what I mean, I feel disgusted and I don't get them for awhile.
3. I don't want to be gay. If I was really gay I would want to be.

 

Then why are there so many people with confused sexuality?

For some reason considering being 'bi' doesn't come up but I think you have touched on something - taboo breaking could be all it is, just a fantasy to violate something inside me, like rape fantasies women have but don't want in real life.

 

But were you attracted to women? did you have sex with them? If so why do you call yourself gay now?

 

Ok,
I have had a couple of glasses of wine, so maybe I am just tipsy, but I wanted to write this for some reason.
When my fantasies about being with a man hit, they are so vivid, it goes through my whole body, it feels way too powerful and I just stop and say woah!
But I am not attracted to any guys in real life. That's what creates so much confusion.

 

I felt this way for quite awhile...maybe ten years. I had been married for twenty years and started allowing myself to fantasize about men as my wife became less interested in sex.

I could never imagine having sex with any guy I met. Just couldn't feel it. One day, that all changed. I had been sorta flirting with a bartender and he propositioned me...I hadn't really considered him as lover...I was just messing around.

It floored me...rocked my world. This "optional" attraction was not optional at all....I wanted men...for real. I didn't have sex with him but he sure did turn me on after that.

I think that we use the "faceless" fantasy guy as a defense mechanism. "Look I can control these desire because they are not real". Well, for many of us they are real.

This isn't a bad thing...but, you probably aren't straight and that is cool...you may be gay, bi or bicurious.

Are you in a relationship?

 

Sorry I didn't mean to shock you, but I guess intrigue is good.

What if I was to say:
1. You look at women not men because that's what society has trained you to do. All your life, until now you have associated love and attraction with women so it's only natural you look at them. Do you ever see a man and think he is attractive? (Other than in your fantasies).
2. That's because of your internalised homophobia, you are ashamed of what you have done and how much you liked it. It's like you have scratched the itch and it's disappeared, but it always comes back right?
3. Does anyone want to be gay? I guess maybe there are a few people but I think they are few and far between. There is no denying that being gay comes with difficulties and stresses and struggles that being straight doesn't but we can't chose to be or not to be we just are and when you accept that and find peace with it internally and find a same sex person to be with the joy and feelings that can bring are way worth the struggle.

 

@amiready It is such a confusing time.

Unfortunately there are no black and white answers. I am lesbian but dam I can look at a guy and think, wow he's hot. I would never have a desire to take it further though.
Everyone has a type so every attractive woman out there wouldn't do it for me.

You say "after" the feeling goes away for a while but this sounds to be because you are " satisfying" that need.

I went around thinking in circles for 2 years wondering similar to yourself. I hope over time you can open your mind to the idea of being gay and at one point it won't seem as scary as it does now.

I have mentioned it previously in posts but I read Ash Hardells book The A,B,C's of LGBT. It really helped me figure things out as well as learning a lot about the LGBT+ community.

 

I did try to control it for a long time. I would masturbate and once I got aroused, I could think about having sex with a woman and finish off. But a few months ago I was doing that and I was so into it, and part of my 'fantasy' was that I would become gay if I finished just about a guy.After that I felt terrible and panicked and didn't masturbate for weeks and it came back even stronger.

no

Yes

Maybe sometimes I get a flash of 'he's cute'

I want to take it further but my fantasies and arousal don't.

Ok that makes sense.

 

This morning I woke up and the fantasies are even stronger... I also feel like I am either letting go or losing control, I don't know which...

The problem is the 'fantasies' I dress different, talk and act different - more feminine but definitely still a man its like another me, and the choice or what makes it seem not real is that its so different from who I am. Like I would have to totally change. but in some ways it feels more 'real' its an intimacy I have never experienced in real life..

 

I have been reading this thread and starting to think about some things in the past... having sex with girlfriends and having to think about gay sex..

I hesitate to type this but I feel I must... I have just been thinking about it.. I have spent a lot of mental time trying to convince myself I was attracted to women, or get anxious if I was not, and yes I do spend a lot of time convincing myself I am not gay.

That's the question is it just a fantasy? People can have fantasies about all sorts of things, especially things they don't want to do.

I tried just thinking, what if I was gay, what would it feel like? What if there were no friends, family, life, i could just do what i want with anyone, it just becomes overwhelming...so different from my world..

What makes you think I think I am gay?

 

What makes me think you are gay is experience. I'm not an expert or a therapist or anything but I've been on EC for a while and I've read a lot of threads and spoken to quite a few people in situations similar to your own. I also know what I went through when I started questioning my sexuality and whilst not as extreme as yours I had my own denial and fear etc of being gay. I would never tell you for sure you are gay, only you can know for sure.

I totally agree with your point about people sometimes having a fantasy that they don't really want to ever do in real life, so I can understand that but do you think those things are so intense and so reoccurring? Do you also think they are followed by the same shame?

 

I can second @silverhalo. From personal experience, I wouldn't say your fantasies are just fantasies. Most of us have been where you are now.

No one but you knows if you are gay, but I would say the chances of it just being a fantasy are slim.

 

I've questioned/wondered before but it's always fizzled out... that's why I posted 'i won't be able to ever accept it' but, I really don't think I am.

Yes.

I am not saying I am gay..but right now, I am thinking 'What if I was gay, what would it feel like to just accept it" my heart started to race .... 'what if i just accepted it"... it could just be a fantasy but it felt nice

 

I read this post on another thread...

I have this weird desire to tell this woman who I was making romantic overtures to (who was a long time freind older than me) that I am gay... it's weird because I haven't really accepted that I am gay.

Ok, but what have I posted that makes you think so?

 

What about my posts makes you say so? I know you can't tell me I am gay, but I am curious to know what gives this impression.

 

I am really curious... how did you get to this point.. to know you're a lesbian but also think a guy's hot but not take it further.. I always thought something was wrong some disconnect when I admired a hot woman, felt excited but not sexually aroused...
but I have never felt sexually aroused by a guy.....in real life..

 

Ok, while I still have the courage (fortified with a couple of glasses of wine)

I see a beautiful woman I try to like imagine having sex with her.. sometimes it works but it takes work..
i know they are beautiful but.. it just can't get sexually excited...

My internal fantasies about guys:
I can easily imagine gently and intimately pleasuring their privates with my mouth.. , but its more than that , I fee so free, so liberated... but it just feels so detached from my real life...